Great "Simpsons" Quotes

Duffman: That brown spot needs some H2O! Oh yeah!
Moe: Hey Duffman! How would you like a sticker on YOUR face?
Duffman: Duffman can't breath! Oh no!

Gotta love Hank's read.

Homer: Oh no. This is how faceless Joe lost his legs.

... What?

*Barney's stealing Moe's beer from the tap*
Barney: Uh-oh, my heart just stopped.
*Time passes*
Barney: Ah, there it goes.
*Resumes drinking*


Bart: Why would Duff publish a book?
Lisa: It was designed to settle fights in taverns.
Homer: Woo-hoo! She said "tavern"! I'm going to Moe's! [Runs off}
Marge: I never agreed to that rule!

I always loved that about the Simpsons. How one joke would instantly slide into another. Nowadays they simply rely on repeating the same joke over and over, or rely on puns.
 
From Bart's Girlfriend

Bart: I'm a soul man
Marge: I Don't want you playing something with such bizarre hair! *Looks at Doll* Awful awful hair.

^ And yours is so great? :p

another from that episode.

Bart: Gimme a minute
Jessica: *Smacks lips*

^Loved that part
 
Brush With Greatness

Burns: Somebody up there likes me, Smithers.
Smithers: Somebody down here likes you too, sir.
Burns: Shut. Up!

Treehouse of Horror VI

Marge: These monsters are destroying everything and everyone we care for! (to Bart and Lisa) And you kids should have jackets on.

Homer the Great

Plumber: Looks like you got a leak.
Marge: Could you start fixing it pretty soon? The basement is getting awfully flooded. And I think the cat's down there.
Plumber: Yeah, I probably won't be able to get the parts I need for two, three weeks and that's if I order them today, which I won't.

Gone Maggie Gone

(after Kent Brockman unsuccessfully tries to put together a viewing box for a solar eclipse live on the air)
Kent Brockman: Forget it! We'll do it next week!
Stage hand: The eclipse is today.
Kent Brockman: There's an eclipse when I SAY there's an eclipse!!! (storms off the set)

The PTA Disbands

Moe: When I call your name, say "present", or "here". No, say "present". Anita Bath? (classroom laughs) All right, settle down. Anita Bath here? (classroom laughs) Maya Buttreeks? (classroom laughs) Hey hey what are you laughing at? What? Ohhhhh, I get it, I get it. (beat) It's my big ears, isn't it, kids? ISN'T IT? Well children, I. Can't. Help that. (runs out crying)

Secrets of a Successful Marriage

(after Homer agrees to tell juicy gossip about another couple)
Homer: Now the wife of this couple has an interesting quirk in the bedroom. It seems she goes wild with desire when her husband nibbles on her elbow.
Krabappel: We need names!
Homer: Well... let's just call them Mr. X and Mrs. Y. So anyway, Mr. X says, "Marge, if this doesn't get your motor running, my name isn't Homer J. Simpson!"

Bart to the Future

Bart: You used to be cool.
Lisa: No I wasn't!

Lisa's Date With Density

"You kissed a girl! That is SO gay!"

Fear of Flying

Alan: I'm Alan, I'm your co-pilot.
Homer: Uh yeah, uh... as a change of pace, I'm gonna let you do most of the work. I think you're ready for it, Alan.
 
From Guess Who's Coming to Criricize Dinner?

Editor: "Some of your fellow critics wanted to meet you. This is
Garth Tralawney, TV critic."
Homer: "Why you, you made them cancel 'Platypus Man!'"
*grabs Garth's lapels ans shakes him*
Editor: "Homer! This is our theatre critic, Daphne Beaumont."
*Homer turns back to Garth and shakes him again*
Homer: "And the 'Cosby Mysteries!' That show had limitless
possibilities!"

From Sweet Seymour Skinner's Baadasssss Song

Chalmers: "Thank the Lor -- thank the Lord? That sounded like a prayer.
A prayer in a public school! God has no place within these walls,
just like facts have no place withinorganized religion.
Simpson, you get your wish: Flanders is history!"
Flanders: "Well, I really enjoyed my time here, Superintendent. May the
Lord bless and keep you."
Chalmers: "Yeah, take it outside, God-boy."
"
 
Barney sees himself drunk on tape and realizes what a fool he make of himself

Moe: "Hey Baney, you're looking kinda glum. Huh, you feeling glum? Huh glummy?"

Another when Apu and Manjula has octuplets, and is sharing his woes with Flanders. He responds:

Flanders: "Well, they sure can be a handful. Of joy!"
Apu: "Shut up."
Flanders: "They'll fill your lives with-"
Apu: "I said shut up!
Flanders: "Can't put a price on a miracle!"
Apu: "I can't believe you don't shut up!"
 
Bart: Please mom! My dream is to be a rockstar!
Homer: And my dream is to get rid of Bart! How many lives must you ruin!

Homer: Yvan Eht Nioj! You've gotta love that crazy chorus!
Lisa: What does it mean?
Homer: Eh, it doesn't mean anything. Like ramalama ding dong, or give peace a chance.
 
^ The above quote was from Waverly Hills 9-0-2-1-D'oh, in case anyone's curious.

Fear of Flying:

Homer: Come on, Marge, I want to shake off the dust of this one-horse town. I want to explore the world. I want to watch TV in a different time zone. I want to visit strange, exotic malls. I'm sick of eating hoagies. I want a grinder, a sub, a foot-long hero...I want to live, Marge! Won't you let me live? Won't you, please?!

^ I think the simpleton in all of us can relate to wanting to experience mundane regional differences like that.

The Last Temptation of Krust:

Kent Brockman: Hey, hey. I'm Kent Brockman the Clown, filling in for Krusty the Clown, who didn't come in today. He is presumed dead or on vacation. Today's top joke: It seems a local moron threw his clock out the window. We'll tell you why, right after this!

^ I love how unexcited his delivery is, and how nonchalant he is about Krusty possibly being dead.

The Trouble With Trillions:

Agent Johnson: We believe Burns still has that bill hidden somewhere in his house. But all we've ascertained from satellite photos is that it's not on the roof!

Homie the Clown:

Krusty: All right, now there can only be one Krusty in each territory, so I hope this works out. Tell me where you're from.
Man 1: Georgia.
Texan 1: Texas.
Texan 2: Uh... Brooklyn!
Man 2: Russia.
Man 3: New Hampshire.
Homer: Homer!

^ Someone wasn't listening.

Itchy & Scratchy: The Movie:

Homer: You know, when I was a boy, I really wanted a catcher's mitt, but my dad wouldn't get it for me. So I held my breath until I passed out and banged my head on the coffee table. The doctor thought I might have brain damage.
Bart: ...Dad, what's the point of this story?
Homer: I like stories.

Homer vs. Dignity:

Homer: (as Santa) Ho ho ho! Merry everyone!

^ Never give Homer a part in anything that requires memorization ever again.

Smoke on the Daughter:

Busby: Marge, you know what they say: Those who can't do-
Marge: Teach?
Busby: No, they go home. How can they teach if they can't do?! Get out!

^ Good twist. Busby is such an ass.

Brush With Greatness:

Marge: Mr. Burns, I've had enough of your "posing"; I can finish the portrait myself!
Burns: Thank goodness. Another day in this suburban nightmare and I would've needed half a white Valium.
 
Great "Simpsons" Quotes

E Pluribus Wiggum actually has quite a few funny lines in it, even though the plot isn't very strong:

(after Krusty not-so-subtly tries to steal his jokes)
Jon Stewart: I'll try to remember you the way you used to be.
Krusty: But I've always been terrible!

(after being asked what they thought about the smear ad)
Lenny: I thought every part was good, but overall I hated it.
Carl: I feel exactly the opposite, but the same.

^ Mixed signals...

Commentator: ...And Ron Lehar, a print journalist from The Washington Post.
Nelson: Haw-haw! Your medium is dying!
Skinner: Nelson!
Nelson: But it IS!
Skinner: There's being right, and there's being nice!

(after Homer tells all the candidates to leave his house)
Homer: You TOO, Fred Thompson.
Fred Thompson: But I was in Die Hard!
Homer: (derisively) Die Hard 2.

Moe: Who wants to abolish democracy forever? Show of hands.
Carl: I could really go for some kind of military thing like, uh, Juan Per?n. When he disappeared ya, you stayed disappeared.
Lenny: Plus, his wife was Madonna.

^ This reminds me of that Lewis Black joke about the Super Bowl after 9/11: "The Super Bowl this year was kind of interesting because they ran three and a half or four hours of "A Salute to America," brought to us by the NFL. So by the time they were kicking off, I was actually sick of freedom. I pined to be enslaved!"

Wiggum: Go ahead, Ralphie, you're invited to two parties: one with a donkey, and one with an elephant. Who do you like?
Ralph: Elmo?
Kent Brockman: Ah, Admiral Elmo Zumwalt, President Nixon's Chief of Naval Operations. So, Ralph's a Republican!

^ Love unexpected jokes like that.

I already mentioned the PATRIOT Act joke in a previous post, but I like that joke too.
 
This transpired when Bart suggests they do another film about their lives after Lisa did one:

Marge: "No more Simpsons movies! One is enough!";)

Bart: Tough break, Dad. I guess people just weren't ready for Poochie. Maybe in a few years.

Notice it's been a few years and STILL no Poochie.:evil:

Homer: Well, we didn't get any money, but Mr. Burns got what he wanted. Marge, I'm confused. Is this a happy ending or a sad ending?
Marge: It's an ending, that's enough.

Bart: I wanna go too!
Homer: No way. If something happens to me, you have to carry on the Simpson name.
Bart: Screw that, when I grow up I'm legally changing my name to Joe Kickass.
Homer: That is so cool. Okay you can come.

The irony in this is that he's never, ever going to grow up.:cool:
 
From Das Bus. Which in my opinion , has one on the best b-stories in the history of the show, Homer starting an Internet company. Homer's reading a book on how to start an Internet company when he comes across this gem:

Homer: "Hm, they have the internet on computers now."

Meanwhile, the kids are on a island.

Bart: "I'm glad we're stranded. We'll be like the Swiss Family Robinson. Except with more cursing. We're gonna live like kings. Damn hell ass kings!"
 
I can't believe no one's mentioned this yet:

Homer: What the hell are we going to do with 10,000 angel ashtrays?
Bart: I could take up smoking.
Homer: You damn well better.

This is pretty good too :D:

Homer: "How was jerk practice, boy? Did they teach you how to sing to trees? And build crappy furniture out of useless wooden logs? Huh? (chair collapses) D'oh! Stupid poetic justice."
Bart: "Actually, we were just planning the father-son river rafting trip."
Homer: "Heh heh, you don't have a son."
 
Homer is the conductor of a monorail that just lost it's brakes. Marge calls Homer to give him a way to stop the train.

Marge: "Homer, I have someone here who can help you."
Homer: "Batman?"
Marge: "No, it's a scientist."
Homer: "Batman's a scientist."
Marge: "It's not Batman!"
 
This is when Bart is trying to come up with a character of his own:

Marge: I like Little Dot. Could you rip her off? Who's gonna know?
Bart: I would know, Mom.
Marge: That little girl sure loved dots.

She sure did. :sweat:

Internet Man: Bart, meet the voice of Angry Dad.
Bart: Okay, lets hear it.
Voice Man: Well, I was thinking of something like.. :puts on exact Homer voice: I'm a big fat idiot!
Bart: Wow, I think we have our angry dad!
Voice Man: Woohoo! When do I get paid.
Internet Man: In 2012.
Voice Man: D'oh!

After "Angry Dad" reads an article saying he sucks:

Angry Dad: That's opinion, not news!

Homer: I'm a rage-aholic! I just can't live without rage-ahol!

Homer: Very well, I'm not going to be Angry Dad for one day longer. I'm giving up anger forever.
Marge: If you ask me, you should give up fatty foods!
Homer: I said anger!

Bart: Good idea, you can speak nerd to them!
Milhouse: I'm not a nerd, Bart. Nerds are smart.

Homer: Who knew that anger was saving my life.
Bart: Say it, don't spray it.
Homer: You're trying to make me angry! Thankyou.
Bart: You're not welcome.
Homer: Grr. I love you, boy.
Bart: Haha, you love a boy!
Homer: Stop it, now!
Bart: If you love me so much, why don't you marry me? Haha, that's a good one.
 
I've been watching season 20 lately,and thought this exchange between Marge and Bart was funny....

Marge: How did you get a cell phone?

Bart: Same way you got me....By accident,on a golf course...

:D Funny because it's true...I like when they actually reference the older episodes....
 
From Homer the Vigilante

Jimbo: I don't believe in nothin' no more, man! I'm goin' to law school.

Homer: Noooooo!!!!

(later in that episode)

Wiggum(?): No, no. Dig up, stupid!
 
Kent Brockman: "So, Homer. What made you go from sad drunk to mad monk?"
Homer: "Funny story Kent."
(yelling) "It's the end of the world! God loves you! He's gonna kill you!" (Rings bell)
 
Looks like me and ShadowBlinky are the only two responding to this thread anymore. Oh well.

Marge in Chains

Crowd: (chanting) We need a cure! We need a cure!
Hibbert: (laughs) Why, the only cure is bed rest. Anything I give you would be a placebo.
Woman: Where can we get these placebos?!
Man: Maybe there's some in this truck! (crowd riots)

A Star is Burns

Jay: How can you vote for Burns's movie?!
Krusty: Let's just say it moved me..... TO A BIGGER HOUSE! Oops, I said the quiet part loud, and the loud part quiet. Hoho boy...

Deep Space Homer

Controller: Some good news, gentlemen. We have quite a treat for you. We've been able to coax superstar James Taylor in here to Mission Control to wish you well and play you a little bit of his own brand of laid-back adult contemporary music.
Homer: Wow, former president James Taylor.
James Taylor: How ya doin', fellas?
Buzz: With all due respect, Mr. Taylor, this isn't the best time for your unique brand of bittersweet folk rock. We have a potentially critical situation here. I'm sure you'll understand.
James Taylor: Listen, Aldrin, I'm not as laid back as people think. Now here's the deal: I'm going to play, and you're going to float there and like it.

^ Many funny things about this bit: Homer thinking James Taylor is a former president, James's out-of-nowhere aggressive attitude, and the fact that they'd even play music in a critical situation like this.

Bart vs. Australia

Old Hitler: Eine minuten. Eine minuten. Das facken phone ist ein... nuisance phone!
Man: (biking past him) Buenos noches, mein fuehrer!
Old Hitler: Jah, jah.

Bart the Fink

Bob Newhart: Although, you know, though I started my career... several years before Krusty, so I could never really have learned anything... directly from him, still... I think, in a way, in a very meaningful way, that I... all-all of us, have, have learned... from him. And that is by being a clown on television for, for... for so many years. Even though many of us, we didn't watch his show. Uh, t-thank you. (smattering of applause)

^ Worst funeral speech ever. :D

The Cartridge Family

Prostitute: Lookin' for a good time, sailor?
Bart: I certainly am!
Marge: No you're not! (to prostitute) He's really not.

The Springfield Connection

Lisa: Mom, I know your intentions are good but aren't the police the protective force that maintains the status quo for the wealthy elite? Don't you think we ought to attack the roots of social problems instead of jamming people into overcrowded prisons?
Marge: ...Look Lisa, it's McGriff, the Crime Dog! (using hand puppet) Hello, Lisa, help me bite crime, woof woof!

The Dad Who Knew Too Little

(after Homer blinds Dexter Colt with a laser pointer)
Homer: How ironic: He's blind, after a lifetime of being able to see.

^ How is that ironic again?
 
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