Great "Simpsons" Quotes

"Sorry, I'm not allowed to divulge information about that customer's secret illegal account. ... Oh crap, I shouldn't have said it was a customer. Oh crap! I shouldn't have said it was a secret. Oh crap! I certainly shouldn't have said it was illegal! ... Oh, it's too hot today. "
 
Doll: Trust in yourself and you can achieve anything!
Lisa: All right. Now all we need is a name.
Bart: How about Blabbermouth, the jerky doll for jerks?
Lisa: How about Minerva, after the Roman goddess of wisdom?
Stacy: Ehh, not enough commercial appeal.
Bart: Wendy Windbag? Ugly Doris? Hortense the mule-faced doll!
Stacy: I think we should name her after Lisa. We'll call her Lisa
Lionheart.
Bart: No, Loudmouth Lisa! Stupid Lisa Garbage Face! I can't stand this any longer. Somebody please pay
attention to me! Hello, pay attention to me! Look at me! I'm
Bart, I'm Bart! Look at me, look at me, look at me!

Bart's suggestions and everyone ignoring them is stark-raving hilarious.:D
 
From Bart on the Road

Nelson slaps Milhouse
Milhouse: Ow Bart! Nelson hit me!
Bart:........He sure did.

At the end of the episode as the credits roll
Phone Rings
Marge: Oh hello Principal Skinner! No Bart has never been to Hong Kong, goodnight. (she hangs up, phone rings again)
Hello? Tennessee State Police? No my sons car was not crushed in Knoxville. I don't know where to begin telling you what's wrong with that.
(Marge hangs up, while Homer starts to hide under the covers, phone rings again)
Hello? No Bart is not available tomorrow to deliver a human kidney to amsterdam.
(Marge hangs up, Homer giggles under the covers)
Homer.........are you laughing at me?

:D
 
Bart Gets An Elephant

Homer: Maybe if we tied it down so it couldn't move it wouldn't get so hungry.
Lisa: You can't do that, Dad, it's cruel!
Homer: Oh, everything's cruel according to you. Keeping him chained up in the backyard is cruel. Pulling on his tail is cruel. Yelling in his ears is cruel. Everything is cruel. So, excuse me if I'm cruel!

You're excused :anime:

This Little Wiggy

Troy: Welcome to the Springfield Knowledgeum. I'm Troy McClure! You may remember me from such automated information kiosks as 'Welcome to Springfield Airport', and 'Where's Nordstrom?' While you're enjoying our hall of wonders, your car will be unfortunately be subject to repeated (voice fades out)
Homer: What'd he say? What about my car?

Security Guard: Why do I always shout first? Just gives them a chance to run away. Well, I'm an idiot.
 
My all-time favorite quote is from "Summer of 4 ft. 2", after Lisa's friends decorate the car with sea shells

Lisa: This is the greatest thing anyone has ever-

Homer: SWEET MERCIFUL CRAP! MY CAR!
 
Oh why not. It's been a while since my last gargantuan favorites post.

Itchy & Scratchy Land:

Homer: Nobody ruins my vacation but ME, and maybe the boy!

Mother Simpson: (Grampa is gold in this episode)

Mona: Oh, Abe, you've aged terribly.
Grampa: What do you expect? You left me to raise the boy on my own!
Mona: I had to leave! But you didn't have to tell Homer I was dead!
Grampa: It was either that, or tell him his mother was a wanted criminal! You were a rotten wife, and I never, ever forgive you! (beat) Can we have sex? Please?

Lisa: Grandma, have you ever thought about moving back to Springfield?
Homer: You could live with Grampa again. (everyone laughs)
Grampa: (stops laughing) Oh, I'm a living joke.

Grampa: All right, I admit it: I -am- the Lindbergh baby! Waa waa, goo goo! I miss my fly-fly da-da!
Agent: Are you trying to stall us? Or are you just senile?
Grampa: A little from column A, a little from column B!

Homie the Clown:

Homer: But wait, you can't kill me for being Krusty the Klown. I'm not him. I'm Homer Simpson!
Tony: The same Homer Simpson who crashed his car through the wall of our club?
Homer: Uh, actually, my name is Barney. Yeah, Barney Gumbel.
Legs: The same Barney Gumbel who keeps taking picture of my sister?
Homer: Uh, actually, my real name is, uh... think, Krusty, think! Joe Valachi!
Louie: The same Joe Valachi who squealed to the Senate Committee about Organized Crime?
Homer: Benedict Arnold!
Legs: The same Benedict Arnold who plotted to surrender West Point to the hated British?
Homer: D'oh!

^ Keep digging yourself in deeper, Homer.

A Star is Burns:

Lisa: Goodbye, Mr. Sherman. If I ever play Carnegie Hall, I'll give you a call.
Jay: And if you ever want to visit my show-
Bart: Nah, we're not going to be doing that.

^ Works as both a rude remark on Bart's part and a self-referential gag on the crossover aspect of this episode.

Mayored to the Mob:

Homer: And after Moe's, we went to Krusty Burger, and the mayor got some more change, and I ordered a double-double, but they gave me the double-double-double-double!

Also:

Fat Tony: I want the mayor dead. I want his wife dead. I want his cat and his dog, DEAD.
Louie: Wait wait wait, who was before the cat?
Fat Tony: (sighs) Just kill the mayor.
Louie: (leaves, but comes back) Y-you're not mad at me, are ya?

Maximum Homerdrive:

Marge: Is it safe to eat that much food, Dr. Hibbert?
Hibbert: You know, I wouldn't have thought so before I bought 12% of this restaurant, but now I feel a balanced diet can include the occasional eating contest.
 
Apu: I have come to make amends, sir. At first, I blamed you for squealing, but then I realized, it was _I_ who wronged _you_. So I have come to work off my debt. I am at your service.
Homer: You're...selling _what_, now?
Apu: I am selling only the concept of karmic realignment.
Homer: You can't sell that! Karma can only be portioned out by the cosmos. [slams the door]
Apu: He's got me there.

Another great "Homer says something smart" exchange.
 
From The Joy of Sect:
Homer: Wait, I'm confused about the movie.
So the cops knew that internal affairs were setting them up?

I used that quote when I had to babysit my cousins and was
forced to watch (shudders)High School Musical.
They didn't get the reference.;)
 
Great "Simpsons" Quotes

Homer goes to the sea captain's restaurant for his "all you can eat special." But Homer's stomach appearing to know no bounds, the sea captain has him thrown out before he could have all he can eat. So he goes to Lionel Hutz to sue the sea captain.

Hutz: "This is the most fraudulent case of false advertising I?ve seen since my suit against the film 'The Never Ending Story.'"
Homer: "Do you think I have a case?"
Hutz: "Mr. Simpson, I don't use the word 'hero' very often. But you... you are the greatest hero in American history."
Homer: "Whoo-hoo!"
 
An underrated classic from "Homer vs. Patty and Selma":

Bart: What a day, eh, Milhouse? The sun is out, birds are singing, bees are trying to have sex with them - as is my understanding...
 
Another day, another batch of favorite Simpsons quotes:

From Lisa the Skeptic:

"Attention: All honor students will be rewarded with a trip to an archaeological dig. (good kids cheer) Conversely, all detention students will be punished with a trip to an archaeological dig. (bad kids complain)"

From $pringfield:

"Now, at the risk of being unpopular, this reporter places the blame squarely on YOU, the viewers!"

From Bart's Inner Child:

"Marge: That video really opened my eyes. I can see that I'm just a passive-aggressive co-culprit. By nagging you when you do foolish things, I just enable your life script.
Homer: And that sends me into a shame spiral."

From Homer vs. Patty and Selma:

"Moe: Sure, Homer, I can loan you all the money you need. However, since you have no collateral, I'm going to have to break your legs in advance.
Homer: Gosh, Moe, I use these all the time. Couldn't you just bash my head in?
Moe: Hey hey, are you a loan shark? Do you know how finance works? (grabs a sledgehammer) Now let's do this thing."

From Homie the Clown:

"These Krusty brand balloons are three bucks each. But get a cheap one and what happens? It goes off, takes out the eyeballs of every kid in the room! What's that going to cost you? Hey, Bill, what did that cost us?"

^ Krusty's delivery here is largely why I laugh, in addition to the punchline that he's gone cheap before.

From Sideshow Bob's Last Gleaming:

"Whoa, let's not go nuts! Would it really be worth living in a world without television? I think the survivors would envy the dead!"

From The PTA Disbands:

"Posh. Shredded newspapers add much-needed roughage and essential inks."

^ I know I mention this line a lot, but it gets me every time. Just the thought of eating newspaper for sustenance is funny.

From And Maggie Makes Three:

"Moe: Hey Homer, way to get Marge pregnant!"
Homer: This is getting very abstract, but thank you! I do enjoy working at the bowling alley!"

From Homer Bad Man:

"This is hour 57 of our live, round-the-clock coverage outside the Simpson estate. Remember, by the way, to tune in at 8:00 for highlights of today's vigil, including when the garbage man came and when Marge Simpson put the cat out- possibly because it was harassed, we don't know. Of course, there's no way to see into the Simpson home without some kind of infrared heat-sensitive camera. So, let's turn it on. Now, this technology is new to me, but... I'm pretty sure that's Homer Simpson in the oven, rotating slowly. His body temperature has risen to over 400 degrees- he's literally stewing in his own juices."

^ One of the funniest Kent Brockman scenes ever. He's such a dolt.

From Children of a Lesser Clod:

"Kent: Arnie, please, how are the children?
Arnie: I can't see through METAL, Kent!"

From The Day the Violence Died:

"Krusty: I gave him a couple of blintzes to paint my fence, but he never did it!
Chester: Those blintzes were terrible.
Krusty: Paint my fence!
Chester: Make me! (fight ensues)" Then later....

"Grampa: I thought I recognized you. I gave you a plate of corn muffins back in 1947 to paint my chicken coop. And you never did it.
Chester: Those corn muffins were lousy.
Grampa: Paint my chicken coop!
Chester: Make me! (fight ensues)"

From Old Money:

Grampa's reply to Moe's plan on what to do with the money: "It's pretty stupid, but so far, you're the front runner."

^ That would've been hilarious if Grampa ended up going with Moe's plan.

From Eight Misbehavin':

"Kids are a blast, Apu. You can teach them to hate the things you hate. And they practically raise themselves, what with the internet and all."

^ Homer, the upper echelon of parenting.

From Das Bus:

"The exports of Libya are numerous in amount. One thing they export is corn, or as the Indians call it, "maize". Another famous Indian was "Crazy Horse". In conclusion, Libya is a land of contrast. Thank you."
 
Sometimes great quotes don't have to be funny or clever. The earliest seasons of the show (especially season two) have their fair share of incredibly sweet, well written moments that are few and far between these days.

This bit from the end of The Way We Was is especially sweet:

Teenage Homer and Marge sit in her car together, mere hours after Marge had told Homer they were not meant to be, and shortly after Artie Ziff tried to mess with her in his car.

Homer: I've got a problem. Once you stop this car, I'm going to hug you, and kiss you, and then I'll never be able to let you go.

Back in the present...

Homer: And I never have.

Even a ready-to-puke Bart can't hurt the sentiment of the ending here, since his reaction is completely in character. You just know if this episode were made today it would have ended with Nelson suddenly appearing to say, "Haha, you fell in love", Comic Book Guy popping up to say "Sappiest episode ever" or a non sequitur involving ghosts, a celebrity guest voice or Ralph Wiggum.
 
I'm not sure if this was here, but...

"I used to be with it. But then they changed what it was, and now what's it seems new and scary to me. IT'LL HAPPEN TO YOU TOO!"
 
Figure i'll add some random (but funny) willie quotes.

"The Simpsons: Marge Gets a Job (#4.7)" (1992)

Groundskeeper Willie: [a wolf is attacking Bart] Hey, Wolfie! Put down that hors d'oeurve, it's time fer tha main course!

[Willie shares a flask of Scotch with the whipped wolf]
Groundskeeper Willie: Ah, don't feel too bad. I was wrestling wolves when you were still suckling at your mother's teat.

"The Simpsons: The Color Yellow (#21.13)" (2010)

Bart Simpson: [after blowing up a tree stump] Wait, here comes the mykia.
Groundskeeper Willie: What's a mykia?
[the stump falls on Skinner's car]
Principal Skinner: My Kia!

Groundskeeper Willie, to Nelson:
"And that's how Willie waters. Now, you take the hoose"
Nelson:"The Moose?"
Groundskeeper Willie:"The hoose! The hoose!"
Nelson:"Is this right?" *he sprays Willie*
Groundkeeper Willie:"Ach! Turn off the noozle!"
Nelson:"Noodle? What noodle?"
Groundskeeper Willie:"The noozle at the end of the hoose!"
 
From The Itchy & Scratchy & Poochie Show:

Homer: Oh, no attitude, eh? Not in your face, huh? Well, you can cram it with walnuts, ugly!

From Homer's Triple Bypass:

Krusty: I'm in the zipper club myself!
Homer: You seem OK.
Krusty: Yeah? Well, I got news for you. This ain't makeup!

From The War of the Simpsons:

Reverend Lovejoy: A marriage can't be reconciled in a few hours, Homer. It takes a whole weekend to do that!

From Brother From the Same Planet:

Krusty: We got a great show for ya! Well, actually, the last half hour is a real garbage dump... ugh... we'll be right back.
Bart: I miss Joe Piscipo.

From Kamp Krusty:

Homer: A-plus?! You don't think much of me, do you, boy?
Bart: No, sir!

^ Love how proudly Bart says that.

From Burns' Heir:

Hutz: Well, you good folks can rest easy now because you've come to the very best in legal representation.
Skinner: (comes in) Uh, excuse me, is there an Orange Julius stand on this floor?
Hutz: I'll sell you this one, it's almost full.
Skinner: Well, why don't I drink out of a toilet bowl. (leaves)
Hutz: He'll be back.

From Marge vs. the Monorail:

Wiggum: Hey, I got pictures of you, Quimby.
Quimby: You don't scare me. That could be anyone's ass!

From Simpsonscalifragilsticexpiala-d'oh-cious:

Krusty: And now, our parody of "Mad About You" entitled "Mad About Shoe." (Krusty gets in bed with a giant shoe) Give me a kiss, baby. No tongue! (audience boos) Ugh. You're not going to like our "NYPD Shoe" sketch. It's pretty much the same thing.
 
"BY LUCIFER'S BEARD!!!"
-Sideshow Bob, "Cape Feare"

SSB is always good for a classic quote:

"No children have ever meddled with the Republican Party and lived"
"You can't keep the Democrats out of the White House forever. And when they get in, I'll be back on the streets...with all my criminal buddies!"
"I've been in prison. I'll be happy with anything that doesn't taste like orange drink fermented behind a radiator."
"Oh, I'll get busy. I'll get very busy indeed. (maniacal laughter)"
"Ah, the catwalk. The perfect vantage point ...for revenge! Ah kettle chips, the perfect sidedish...for revenge!"
"Simpson Family. I hearbt sweeeeeeeeeeear...a VENDETTA!"

and many, many more
 
Some of my favorites off the top of my head:

Apu (in a tired voice): "Thank you, steal again."

Homer: "Ah beer. The cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems."

Barney (at the film festival): "Don't cry for me...I'm already dead."

Mr. Burns to Smithers: "And don't forget we must find the Jade Monkey, before the next full moon."
Smithers: "But sir, we already found the Jade Monkey."
Burns: "And the *forgot what he said exactly*
Smithers nods
Burns: "Excellent! Everything's falling in to place."
 
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