Great "Simpsons" Quotes
- Thread starter Shardote
- Start date
HOMER: Inside every person is a battle between good and evil that can't be won.
[cut to Homer's mind, where we see Homer, clad in a red devil costume and holding maracas in each hand, dancing around a grave marked "Good Homer"]
EVIL HOMER: [chanting] I am E-vil Ho-mer! I am E-vil Ho-MER! I am E-vil Homer! I am E-vil Ho-MER!
It's Lisa's silently incredulous reaction to this bizarre cutaway joke that really kills me every damn time.
[cut to Homer's mind, where we see Homer, clad in a red devil costume and holding maracas in each hand, dancing around a grave marked "Good Homer"]
EVIL HOMER: [chanting] I am E-vil Ho-mer! I am E-vil Ho-MER! I am E-vil Homer! I am E-vil Ho-MER!
It's Lisa's silently incredulous reaction to this bizarre cutaway joke that really kills me every damn time.
Homr
(Homer learns there's a crayon stuck in his brain from when he was a kid)
Female researcher: We could remove it for you...It could vastly increase your brain power...or,it could kill you...
Homer:....Increase my killing power,eh????....I'll do it!!!!
(I love when Homer takes his own meaning out of what someone else has said)
******
(Homer and Mel Gibson make their own ultraviolent remake of "Mr. Smith Goes to Washington")
Male executive: Why did Mr. Smith kill everyone?
Homer: It was symbolism....He was MAD!!!!
(I think it's the line delivery that kills me)
*****
Lisa the Tree Hugger
(Lisa has a crush on Jesse,a young environmental activist)
Bart: Lisa and Jesse,sitting in a tree,K-I-S-S-I-N-G...
Homer: First comes love,then comes........Dammit,I know this!!!!
(Homer learns there's a crayon stuck in his brain from when he was a kid)
Female researcher: We could remove it for you...It could vastly increase your brain power...or,it could kill you...
Homer:....Increase my killing power,eh????....I'll do it!!!!
(I love when Homer takes his own meaning out of what someone else has said)
******
(Homer and Mel Gibson make their own ultraviolent remake of "Mr. Smith Goes to Washington")
Male executive: Why did Mr. Smith kill everyone?
Homer: It was symbolism....He was MAD!!!!
(I think it's the line delivery that kills me)
*****
Lisa the Tree Hugger
(Lisa has a crush on Jesse,a young environmental activist)
Bart: Lisa and Jesse,sitting in a tree,K-I-S-S-I-N-G...
Homer: First comes love,then comes........Dammit,I know this!!!!
hay skyler.
New member
Marge: “Lisa, welcome to love. It's full of doubt, and pain and uncertainty. But then one day, you find a man you love so much it hurts."
Homer: "Who is heeeeee?!"
Marge: "You, Homie."
Homer: "WOOHOO!! In your face, imaginary guy!"
Homer kills me.
Homer: "Who is heeeeee?!"
Marge: "You, Homie."
Homer: "WOOHOO!! In your face, imaginary guy!"
Homer kills me.
Seansparco
New member
Great "Simpsons" Quotes
I loved Ned's verbal smackdown to...well, just about everyone in Springfield:
Ned Flanders: Can't you morons do ANYTHING right?!
Crowd: * Gasp*
Marge Simpson: Ned, we meant well! And everyone here tried their best!
Ned Flanders: Well my family and I can't live on good intentions, Marge! Ohhh, your family's out of control, but we can't blame you, because you have goooooood intentions!
Bart Simpson: Hey, back off man!
Ned Flanders: Ohhh, okay duuuude, I wouldn't want you to have a cow maaaaan! Here's a catch phrase you better learn for your adult years; Hey mister, GOT A QUARTER!?
Bart Simpson: I am shocked, and appalled.
Lisa Simpson: Mr. Flanders, with all due respect, Bart didn't do anything.
Ned Flanders: Do I hear the sound of butting in? It's gotta be little Lisa Simpson, Springfield's answer to the question NO ONE ASKED!
Chief Wiggum: Ha! Ha-ha!
Ned Flanders: Whadda we have here, the long flabby arm of the law? The last case you got to the bottom of was a case of Mallomars!
Krusty the Clown: Mallomars, oho, that's going in the act.
Ned Flanders: Oh yeah, the Clown, the only one of you buffoons who doesn't make me laugh! And as for you, I don't know you but I'm sure you're a jerk!
Lenny: Hey I've only been here a few minutes what's going on?
Ned Flanders: You ugly, hate-filled man!
Moe: Hey, I may be ugly and hate-filled but I'm ? uh ? what was the third thing you said?
Ned Flanders: Homer... you are the worst human being I have ever met.
Homer Simpson: Hey, I got off pretty easy.
I loved Ned's verbal smackdown to...well, just about everyone in Springfield:
Ned Flanders: Can't you morons do ANYTHING right?!
Crowd: * Gasp*
Marge Simpson: Ned, we meant well! And everyone here tried their best!
Ned Flanders: Well my family and I can't live on good intentions, Marge! Ohhh, your family's out of control, but we can't blame you, because you have goooooood intentions!
Bart Simpson: Hey, back off man!
Ned Flanders: Ohhh, okay duuuude, I wouldn't want you to have a cow maaaaan! Here's a catch phrase you better learn for your adult years; Hey mister, GOT A QUARTER!?
Bart Simpson: I am shocked, and appalled.
Lisa Simpson: Mr. Flanders, with all due respect, Bart didn't do anything.
Ned Flanders: Do I hear the sound of butting in? It's gotta be little Lisa Simpson, Springfield's answer to the question NO ONE ASKED!
Chief Wiggum: Ha! Ha-ha!
Ned Flanders: Whadda we have here, the long flabby arm of the law? The last case you got to the bottom of was a case of Mallomars!
Krusty the Clown: Mallomars, oho, that's going in the act.
Ned Flanders: Oh yeah, the Clown, the only one of you buffoons who doesn't make me laugh! And as for you, I don't know you but I'm sure you're a jerk!
Lenny: Hey I've only been here a few minutes what's going on?
Ned Flanders: You ugly, hate-filled man!
Moe: Hey, I may be ugly and hate-filled but I'm ? uh ? what was the third thing you said?
Ned Flanders: Homer... you are the worst human being I have ever met.
Homer Simpson: Hey, I got off pretty easy.
ilikeeatingchicken
New member
Since I just saw this in a preview for tomorrows syndicated episode, I'll post the funniest lines.
Woman in funeral home: "Would you like to be a pallbearer?"
Homer: "Of course."
(outside carrying casket) Homer: "Aww, I thought she said 'Polar Bear'!"
Later on at Dr. Hibbert's
Homer: "You told me to eat more dirt!"
Hibbert: "No, I told you to eat more vegetables."
Homer: "Which grow in...?"
Woman in funeral home: "Would you like to be a pallbearer?"
Homer: "Of course."
(outside carrying casket) Homer: "Aww, I thought she said 'Polar Bear'!"
Later on at Dr. Hibbert's
Homer: "You told me to eat more dirt!"
Hibbert: "No, I told you to eat more vegetables."
Homer: "Which grow in...?"
From Radioactive Man:
"At last, the world is safe. Eh, Fallout Boy?"
"What's for lunch tomorrow?"
"Next."
"Chicken necks?"
^ Perhaps the best Wiggum exchange ever. And another fave in the same episode:
"Look behind you, Radioactive Man! The sun is exploding again!"
"Bart, what are you talking about?"
"Yeah, and who the hell are you talking to? Marge, do you have other men in this house? Radioactive Men?"
From Homer Alone:
"Hello, guv'ner! Lube job while you wait?"
"Don't touch me."
^ Classic double entendre.
From Simpson Safari:
"Start over! I want all the items in one bag."
"Yes, ma'am."
"But I don't want the bag to be heavy."
"I don't think that's possible."
"What are you, the Possible Police? Just do it!"
^ Even in the post-classic seasons, Agnes is usually pretty reliable for comedy. I love the way she says "Possible Police".
From Lisa the Skeptic:
"Your honor, over the coming weeks and months..."
^ I love how the lawyer openly admitted that the trial would waste months of everybody's time. It's not a joke that gets mentioned too much, but I love it.
From Homer's Phobia:
"So this is your sick mother?"
"Don't do this to me, Waylon!"
From Lisa Gets an "A":
"Nasty business, that zero. Naturally, Harvard's doors are now closed to you. But we'll pass on your application to... (snickers) Brown."
"Mmm, heck of a school. Weren't you at Brown, Otto?"
"Yup. Almost got tenure, too!"
From The Canine Mutiny:
"Well crying isn't gonna bring him back. Unless your tears smell like dog good. So you can either sit here and eat can after can of dog food until your tears smell enough like dog food for your dog to come back, or you can go out there and find your dog!"
^ Classic Homer string.
From Two Dozen and One Greyhounds:
"Ladies and gentlemen, this is the end. This... is the end of dog racing."
From The Last Temptation of Homer:
"Homer... I have a wicked idea that could get us into a lot of trouble."
"(worried) Oh, Mindy, we have to fight our temptations!"
"No Homer, let's do it. LET'S CALL ROOM SERVICE!"
"Oh."
^ A bit overexposed, since it also appeared in the second clip show, but still a great unexpected joke.
From Mobile Homer:
"Haw haw! People died in those shirts!"
^ One of my favorite Nelson "Haw haw"s.
From Mountain of Madness:
"Only who can prevent forest fires?" (Bart presses a button) You pressed "you," referring to me. That is incorrect. The correct answer is "you"."
^ A similar joke appeared in season 12's "The Computer Wore Menace Shoes"
From Simpson Tide:
"Milhouse, my mom wears earrings. Do you think she's cool?"
"No. I THINK SHE'S HOT! Sorry, it just slipped out."
From Realty Bites:
"I'm tired of being cooped up in this house all the time."
"Open a window!"
^ In fact, that whole exchange is amusing, such as Homer saying he already went to the azalea festival because Lenny really wanted to go, and his sarcastic "Friends of the Library".
From The Haw-Hawed Couple:
"Who will spot the playful abalone? The mighty winkle? I think it might be you, Sherri." (Sherri gasps in excitement)
^ Love how excited Sherri is about looking for fish.
"At last, the world is safe. Eh, Fallout Boy?"
"What's for lunch tomorrow?"
"Next."
"Chicken necks?"
^ Perhaps the best Wiggum exchange ever. And another fave in the same episode:
"Look behind you, Radioactive Man! The sun is exploding again!"
"Bart, what are you talking about?"
"Yeah, and who the hell are you talking to? Marge, do you have other men in this house? Radioactive Men?"
From Homer Alone:
"Hello, guv'ner! Lube job while you wait?"
"Don't touch me."
^ Classic double entendre.
From Simpson Safari:
"Start over! I want all the items in one bag."
"Yes, ma'am."
"But I don't want the bag to be heavy."
"I don't think that's possible."
"What are you, the Possible Police? Just do it!"
^ Even in the post-classic seasons, Agnes is usually pretty reliable for comedy. I love the way she says "Possible Police".
From Lisa the Skeptic:
"Your honor, over the coming weeks and months..."
^ I love how the lawyer openly admitted that the trial would waste months of everybody's time. It's not a joke that gets mentioned too much, but I love it.
From Homer's Phobia:
"So this is your sick mother?"
"Don't do this to me, Waylon!"
From Lisa Gets an "A":
"Nasty business, that zero. Naturally, Harvard's doors are now closed to you. But we'll pass on your application to... (snickers) Brown."
"Mmm, heck of a school. Weren't you at Brown, Otto?"
"Yup. Almost got tenure, too!"
From The Canine Mutiny:
"Well crying isn't gonna bring him back. Unless your tears smell like dog good. So you can either sit here and eat can after can of dog food until your tears smell enough like dog food for your dog to come back, or you can go out there and find your dog!"
^ Classic Homer string.
From Two Dozen and One Greyhounds:
"Ladies and gentlemen, this is the end. This... is the end of dog racing."
From The Last Temptation of Homer:
"Homer... I have a wicked idea that could get us into a lot of trouble."
"(worried) Oh, Mindy, we have to fight our temptations!"
"No Homer, let's do it. LET'S CALL ROOM SERVICE!"
"Oh."
^ A bit overexposed, since it also appeared in the second clip show, but still a great unexpected joke.
From Mobile Homer:
"Haw haw! People died in those shirts!"
^ One of my favorite Nelson "Haw haw"s.
From Mountain of Madness:
"Only who can prevent forest fires?" (Bart presses a button) You pressed "you," referring to me. That is incorrect. The correct answer is "you"."
^ A similar joke appeared in season 12's "The Computer Wore Menace Shoes"
From Simpson Tide:
"Milhouse, my mom wears earrings. Do you think she's cool?"
"No. I THINK SHE'S HOT! Sorry, it just slipped out."
From Realty Bites:
"I'm tired of being cooped up in this house all the time."
"Open a window!"
^ In fact, that whole exchange is amusing, such as Homer saying he already went to the azalea festival because Lenny really wanted to go, and his sarcastic "Friends of the Library".
From The Haw-Hawed Couple:
"Who will spot the playful abalone? The mighty winkle? I think it might be you, Sherri." (Sherri gasps in excitement)
^ Love how excited Sherri is about looking for fish.
Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington
Father: "We the purple"? What the hell was that?!
Marge Be Not Proud
(Homer sees a Time magazine cover with Ned Flanders on it, named "Man of the Century")
Homer: Pfft. Must have been a pretty slow century.
Lisa's First Word
(after Krusty finds out the Soviet boycott in the Olympics will cause him to lose a ton of money)
Krusty: You people are pigs! (cries) I personally am going to spit in every fiftieth burger!
Homer: I like those odds.
Grampa vs. Sexual Inadequacy
Abe: What's wrong with your wife?
Homer: Never mind, you wouldn't understand.
Abe: Flu?
Homer: No.
Abe: Protein deficiency?
Homer: No.
Abe: Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiis?
Homer: No.
Abe: Unsatisfying sex life?
Homer: No- yes! But please, don't you say that word!
Abe: What? Seeeex? What's so unappealing about hearing your elderly father talk about sex? I had seeex. (Homer shudders)
Lisa the Simpson
Abe: Oh, your dad used to be smart as a monkey! But then his mind started getting lazy, and now he's dumb as a chimp. (shortly after) Your brother's coming along nicely. Look at Bart's homework. Back when he was your age, he was smart as a chimp!
^ This joke doesn't get mentioned a lot, but I like it. So which is it, Grampa: Are chimps smart, or dumb?
Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?
Herb: As far as I'm concerned, I HAVE no brother! (gets on a bus and leaves)
Marge: Maybe he just said that to make conversation.
^ I doubt it.
No Loan Again, Naturally
(Ned turns down the cheery couple wanting to buy the Simpson house)
Man: Well hasn't THIS been a peach of a breach!
Father: "We the purple"? What the hell was that?!
Marge Be Not Proud
(Homer sees a Time magazine cover with Ned Flanders on it, named "Man of the Century")
Homer: Pfft. Must have been a pretty slow century.
Lisa's First Word
(after Krusty finds out the Soviet boycott in the Olympics will cause him to lose a ton of money)
Krusty: You people are pigs! (cries) I personally am going to spit in every fiftieth burger!
Homer: I like those odds.
Grampa vs. Sexual Inadequacy
Abe: What's wrong with your wife?
Homer: Never mind, you wouldn't understand.
Abe: Flu?
Homer: No.
Abe: Protein deficiency?
Homer: No.
Abe: Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiis?
Homer: No.
Abe: Unsatisfying sex life?
Homer: No- yes! But please, don't you say that word!
Abe: What? Seeeex? What's so unappealing about hearing your elderly father talk about sex? I had seeex. (Homer shudders)
Lisa the Simpson
Abe: Oh, your dad used to be smart as a monkey! But then his mind started getting lazy, and now he's dumb as a chimp. (shortly after) Your brother's coming along nicely. Look at Bart's homework. Back when he was your age, he was smart as a chimp!
^ This joke doesn't get mentioned a lot, but I like it. So which is it, Grampa: Are chimps smart, or dumb?
Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?
Herb: As far as I'm concerned, I HAVE no brother! (gets on a bus and leaves)
Marge: Maybe he just said that to make conversation.
^ I doubt it.
No Loan Again, Naturally
(Ned turns down the cheery couple wanting to buy the Simpson house)
Man: Well hasn't THIS been a peach of a breach!
From Bart's Dog Gets an F
Flanders: Sometimes you just gotta spoil yourself! Spoil yourself! Spoil yourself!
Homer: Well I dunno...
Flanders: SIMPSON! I order you to buy those shoes!
^ Love it, because Flanders would never say this in real life.
From I Married Marge
Boy: (crying) What a crappy candle!
Father: You've RUINED our vacation!
From Bart's Friend Falls in Love
Edna: Great, another student. Just keep piling them in, Seymour.
Skinner: We will discuss this later, EDNA.
^ The tension between these two is great. From the same episode...
"That triumvirate of Twinkies simply overwhelmed my resolve."
From Whacking Day
Marge: Hello, Barney. Are you playing the town drunk?
Barney: Actually, I'm supposed to be the governor! (belches)
From Homer and Apu
Voice on TV: (bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark) brought to you by... (bark bark bark bark bark bark bark)
From Grampa vs. Sexual Inadequacy
Marge: Homer, are you really going to avoid Grampa for the rest of your life?
Homer: Of course not, Marge; just for the rest of HIS life. He said I was a mistake, he didn't want to have me!
Marge: You didn't want to have Bart.
Homer: I know, but you're never supposed to TELL the child!
Marge: You tell him all the time! You told him at breakfast!
Homer: But when -I- do it, it's cute!
^ This is a great conversation. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree.
From The Two Mrs. Nahasapeemapetilons
Lisa: Can I ask you about that dot?
Apu's mother: What would you like to know?
Lisa: What's the deal with that dot?
Bart: Can you see out of it? Does it turn color when you're ticked off?
Apu's mother: You tell me.
Bart: Nothing yet...
Apu's mother: Surely you know the background to your father's heritage.
Bart: So long you have no follow up questions, then yes.. yes we do.
Lisa: Fully. We have to go now.
Also...
Apu's mother: Apu, I had no idea you felt this way! Now wipe that smile off your face, we have a wedding to plan.
From Guess Who's Coming to Criticize Dinner?
Tour Guide: Who here reads Mary Worth? (nobody in the tour group responds) ...Let's move on.
From Bart Has Two Mommies
"I'm gay, daddy! I'm gay! Mrs. Simpson made me gay!"
From E. Pluribus Wiggum
Lisa: Ralph can't be President! He's the dumbest person in the slowest reading group!
Homer: Lisa, being President is easy. You just point the Army and shoot.
Lisa: And Ralph is only eight years old! It says in the Constitution, you have to be 35!
Bart: The Constitution? I'm pretty sure the PATRIOT Act killed it to ensure our freedoms.
Homer: (mocking) Ooh, the PATRIOT Act is so terrible! The government might find out what library books I take out! What's next, finding out what operas I go to? (high-fives Bart)
Flanders: Sometimes you just gotta spoil yourself! Spoil yourself! Spoil yourself!
Homer: Well I dunno...
Flanders: SIMPSON! I order you to buy those shoes!
^ Love it, because Flanders would never say this in real life.
From I Married Marge
Boy: (crying) What a crappy candle!
Father: You've RUINED our vacation!
From Bart's Friend Falls in Love
Edna: Great, another student. Just keep piling them in, Seymour.
Skinner: We will discuss this later, EDNA.
^ The tension between these two is great. From the same episode...
"That triumvirate of Twinkies simply overwhelmed my resolve."
From Whacking Day
Marge: Hello, Barney. Are you playing the town drunk?
Barney: Actually, I'm supposed to be the governor! (belches)
From Homer and Apu
Voice on TV: (bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark) brought to you by... (bark bark bark bark bark bark bark)
From Grampa vs. Sexual Inadequacy
Marge: Homer, are you really going to avoid Grampa for the rest of your life?
Homer: Of course not, Marge; just for the rest of HIS life. He said I was a mistake, he didn't want to have me!
Marge: You didn't want to have Bart.
Homer: I know, but you're never supposed to TELL the child!
Marge: You tell him all the time! You told him at breakfast!
Homer: But when -I- do it, it's cute!
^ This is a great conversation. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree.
From The Two Mrs. Nahasapeemapetilons
Lisa: Can I ask you about that dot?
Apu's mother: What would you like to know?
Lisa: What's the deal with that dot?
Bart: Can you see out of it? Does it turn color when you're ticked off?
Apu's mother: You tell me.
Bart: Nothing yet...
Apu's mother: Surely you know the background to your father's heritage.
Bart: So long you have no follow up questions, then yes.. yes we do.
Lisa: Fully. We have to go now.
Also...
Apu's mother: Apu, I had no idea you felt this way! Now wipe that smile off your face, we have a wedding to plan.
From Guess Who's Coming to Criticize Dinner?
Tour Guide: Who here reads Mary Worth? (nobody in the tour group responds) ...Let's move on.
From Bart Has Two Mommies
"I'm gay, daddy! I'm gay! Mrs. Simpson made me gay!"
From E. Pluribus Wiggum
Lisa: Ralph can't be President! He's the dumbest person in the slowest reading group!
Homer: Lisa, being President is easy. You just point the Army and shoot.
Lisa: And Ralph is only eight years old! It says in the Constitution, you have to be 35!
Bart: The Constitution? I'm pretty sure the PATRIOT Act killed it to ensure our freedoms.
Homer: (mocking) Ooh, the PATRIOT Act is so terrible! The government might find out what library books I take out! What's next, finding out what operas I go to? (high-fives Bart)
"Ooh, Poochie is one outrageous dude."
"He's totally in my face!"
"Hey, kids, always recycle... TO THE EXTREME! Bust it!"
"Hi, Poochie. You look like you've got something to say. Do you?"
"Yes, I certainly do!"
"I have to go now. My planet needs me."
-The Itchy and Scratchy and Poochie Show
"He's totally in my face!"
"Hey, kids, always recycle... TO THE EXTREME! Bust it!"
"Hi, Poochie. You look like you've got something to say. Do you?"
"Yes, I certainly do!"
"I have to go now. My planet needs me."
-The Itchy and Scratchy and Poochie Show
kapadia170
New member
Simpsoncalifragilisticexpialad'ohcious:
Krusty: Uh... how's your wife, Nancy?
Gerald Ford: Betty.
Krusty: Who cares?!
Krusty: Uh... how's your wife, Nancy?
Gerald Ford: Betty.
Krusty: Who cares?!
PuckDat Make It Seven!
New member
Weekend at Burnsie's
Otto: Shemp is Hemp spelled backwards!
Homer: And Otto is Otto spelled backwards!
Otto: Now I'm scared!
Burns: I have to raise sixty million dollars or we're out of business.
Smithers: Why is that, sir?
Burns: I told you! I pissed it away!
and my favorite uh well multiple quotes/scene
HOMER
(touches Burns face) You're covered with a very fine fuzz.
Homer returns home in a company car. As he walks to the front door, he chuckles.
HOMER: Hehehe, hardly working...
He opens the front door. Marge is waiting for him.
MARGE: Where did you get that suit.
HOMER: Whoa! One question at a time! (points to Marge) Yes, you?
MARGE: Look, I'm really starting to worry, there's half-eaten cupcakes everywhere, we're all out of paper clips, and the curtains smell like doob.
HOMER: Yeah? Well I got news for you. I just got promoted and it's all thanks to "yes I cann-abis". (walks off screen) We have a kitchen?!
Otto: Shemp is Hemp spelled backwards!
Homer: And Otto is Otto spelled backwards!
Otto: Now I'm scared!
Burns: I have to raise sixty million dollars or we're out of business.
Smithers: Why is that, sir?
Burns: I told you! I pissed it away!
and my favorite uh well multiple quotes/scene
HOMER
(touches Burns face) You're covered with a very fine fuzz.
Homer returns home in a company car. As he walks to the front door, he chuckles.
HOMER: Hehehe, hardly working...
He opens the front door. Marge is waiting for him.
MARGE: Where did you get that suit.
HOMER: Whoa! One question at a time! (points to Marge) Yes, you?
MARGE: Look, I'm really starting to worry, there's half-eaten cupcakes everywhere, we're all out of paper clips, and the curtains smell like doob.
HOMER: Yeah? Well I got news for you. I just got promoted and it's all thanks to "yes I cann-abis". (walks off screen) We have a kitchen?!
cutieblues28
New member
$pringfield (Or, How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Legalized Gambling)
Homer: Hello, Florida! (Homer puts an orange on Lisa's costume, which falls off)
Lisa:I'm not a state, I'm a monster!
Homer: No, Lisa. The only monster here is the gambling monster that has enslaved your mother! I call him Gamblor, and it's time to snatch your mother from his neon claws! (Runs off)
That's always been one of my favorites.
Homer: Hello, Florida! (Homer puts an orange on Lisa's costume, which falls off)
Lisa:I'm not a state, I'm a monster!
Homer: No, Lisa. The only monster here is the gambling monster that has enslaved your mother! I call him Gamblor, and it's time to snatch your mother from his neon claws! (Runs off)
That's always been one of my favorites.
Oh, one of my favorite quotes of all time, from 22 Short Films About Springfield. Skinner is trying to cook dinner for Superintendent Chalmers, but it catches fire, and Chalmers notices from the dining room.
Chalmers: Good God, what is happening in there?
Skinner: [PAUSE] Aurora Borealis?
Chalmers: Aurora Borealis? At this time of year? A this time of day? In this part of the country? Localized entirely within your kitchen?
Skinner: ...yes.
Chalmers: [PAUSE]May I see it?
Skinner: Oh, uh... No.
Cracks me up just thinking about it.
Chalmers: Good God, what is happening in there?
Skinner: [PAUSE] Aurora Borealis?
Chalmers: Aurora Borealis? At this time of year? A this time of day? In this part of the country? Localized entirely within your kitchen?
Skinner: ...yes.
Chalmers: [PAUSE]May I see it?
Skinner: Oh, uh... No.
Cracks me up just thinking about it.
Lemon Of Troy
Bart: This is for the ages.
[flash to futuristic city with people crowded around]
[the word "Bart" is etched in the concrete]
Tour Guide: Like Stonehenge, this site will forever be a mystery. Who was Bart? And how did he manage to write his name in solid cement?
Man 1: He must have been much smarter than his sister Lisa -- about whom we know nothing.
Man 2: Say, let's bring him back to life by using technology!
[shoots a ray; Bart materializes]
Bart: Ay, Caramba!
[everyone applauds]
[Bart pulls out a yoyo and starts using it]
Everyone: Ooh! Aah.
Man 1: What's normal to him amazes us!
Man 2: He will be our new god!
Everyone: Yay!
^Every single line is just so insane, I love when Bart imagines weird stuff like this.
Bart: This is for the ages.
[flash to futuristic city with people crowded around]
[the word "Bart" is etched in the concrete]
Tour Guide: Like Stonehenge, this site will forever be a mystery. Who was Bart? And how did he manage to write his name in solid cement?
Man 1: He must have been much smarter than his sister Lisa -- about whom we know nothing.
Man 2: Say, let's bring him back to life by using technology!
[shoots a ray; Bart materializes]
Bart: Ay, Caramba!
[everyone applauds]
[Bart pulls out a yoyo and starts using it]
Everyone: Ooh! Aah.
Man 1: What's normal to him amazes us!
Man 2: He will be our new god!
Everyone: Yay!
^Every single line is just so insane, I love when Bart imagines weird stuff like this.
From Crook and Ladder:
"My baby! My baby!... could do worse than grow up to be like you, sir."
From Brother From Another Series:
"That was Edna Krabappel. You only get one chance with Edna Krabappel, I hope you're happy."
From The Springfield Connection:
"I'll have you know the contents of that dumpster are private! You stick your nose in, you'll be violating attorney-dumpster confidentiality."
From The Last Temptation of Krust:
"So, how about those TV dinners, huh? I tried one the other day! Lightning strikes, the peach cobbler goes out!"
^ So bad it's funny. I also like how Bart is the only one in the whole audience laughing.
From Bart the Mother:
Lisa: I'm pretty sure he's [Bart's] with Milhouse.
Homer: (goes to the window and yells loudly) MILHOUSE!!!
Milhouse: (from far away) What?!
Homer: TELL BART TO COME HOME!!!
Milhouse: I think he's at Nelson's!
Homer: WHO'S NELSON?!
From Make Room For Lisa:
"Sorry, mother, I was driving through a tunnel and my cell phone wouldn't work."
"I don't want you driving through tunnels. You know what that symbolizes."
"But mother, it cuts 90 minutes off my drive!"
"No tunnels!"
From Little Big Mom:
"Lucy McGillicudy Ricardo Carmichael. (coughs) And I think there's some more."
^ Funny joke about how many characters with different last names Lucille Ball's played in sitcoms. (For the record, other last names she used were "Carter" in Here's Lucy and "Barker" in Life With Lucy)
From Bart Gets Hit By a Car:
Many funny Burns quotes in this one, but here are just a few of my favorites:
"Oh for crying out loud, just give him a nickel and let's get going!"
(after Homer rejects Burns's $100 offer) "OH! So EXTORTION is the name of your little game, is it Simpson? Very well. Then you get NOTHING."
"NOOOOOOOO! TAKE ME! I'M OLD!"
(easily heard through the glass) "They hate ME?! Well what trial were you watching?! (a lawyer says something, is barely audible) Oh, settlement. FINE. Hang your heads in shame, you overpriced, underbrained glorified notary publics! Just get that big ape to my house tonight and we'll buy him off with a banana or two!"
"Homer: Mr. Burns, are you trying to get me drunk?
Burns: Yes."
^ Love how flatly he says that.
From Lisa on Ice:
"Attention, this is Principal Skinner, your principal, with a message from the Principal's Office. All students please proceed immediately to an assembly in the Butthead Memorial Auditorium. Dammit, I wish we hadn't let the students name that one."
^ Love how Skinner announces his title several times, as well as the auditorium's name. And the auditorium name is even funnier because they could've easily vetoed the name the students chose, or made a disclaimer that no low brow names be used. So ridiculous.
From Skinner's Sense of Snow:
(regarding the hobgoblin) "Oh, he's been singing for two hours!"
From Treehouse of Horror IV:
"Look at the bus! I was RIGHT, I tell you, I was RIGHT!"
"Right or wrong, your behavior was still disruptive, young man."
^ Just more "by the book" gold from Skinner.
From Little Big Girl:
"Mormon Priest: So how many brides are we marrying today?
Bart: Just the one.
Mormon Priest: Pfft. What are you, gay?"
"My baby! My baby!... could do worse than grow up to be like you, sir."
From Brother From Another Series:
"That was Edna Krabappel. You only get one chance with Edna Krabappel, I hope you're happy."
From The Springfield Connection:
"I'll have you know the contents of that dumpster are private! You stick your nose in, you'll be violating attorney-dumpster confidentiality."
From The Last Temptation of Krust:
"So, how about those TV dinners, huh? I tried one the other day! Lightning strikes, the peach cobbler goes out!"
^ So bad it's funny. I also like how Bart is the only one in the whole audience laughing.
From Bart the Mother:
Lisa: I'm pretty sure he's [Bart's] with Milhouse.
Homer: (goes to the window and yells loudly) MILHOUSE!!!
Milhouse: (from far away) What?!
Homer: TELL BART TO COME HOME!!!
Milhouse: I think he's at Nelson's!
Homer: WHO'S NELSON?!
From Make Room For Lisa:
"Sorry, mother, I was driving through a tunnel and my cell phone wouldn't work."
"I don't want you driving through tunnels. You know what that symbolizes."
"But mother, it cuts 90 minutes off my drive!"
"No tunnels!"
From Little Big Mom:
"Lucy McGillicudy Ricardo Carmichael. (coughs) And I think there's some more."
^ Funny joke about how many characters with different last names Lucille Ball's played in sitcoms. (For the record, other last names she used were "Carter" in Here's Lucy and "Barker" in Life With Lucy)
From Bart Gets Hit By a Car:
Many funny Burns quotes in this one, but here are just a few of my favorites:
"Oh for crying out loud, just give him a nickel and let's get going!"
(after Homer rejects Burns's $100 offer) "OH! So EXTORTION is the name of your little game, is it Simpson? Very well. Then you get NOTHING."
"NOOOOOOOO! TAKE ME! I'M OLD!"
(easily heard through the glass) "They hate ME?! Well what trial were you watching?! (a lawyer says something, is barely audible) Oh, settlement. FINE. Hang your heads in shame, you overpriced, underbrained glorified notary publics! Just get that big ape to my house tonight and we'll buy him off with a banana or two!"
"Homer: Mr. Burns, are you trying to get me drunk?
Burns: Yes."
^ Love how flatly he says that.
From Lisa on Ice:
"Attention, this is Principal Skinner, your principal, with a message from the Principal's Office. All students please proceed immediately to an assembly in the Butthead Memorial Auditorium. Dammit, I wish we hadn't let the students name that one."
^ Love how Skinner announces his title several times, as well as the auditorium's name. And the auditorium name is even funnier because they could've easily vetoed the name the students chose, or made a disclaimer that no low brow names be used. So ridiculous.
From Skinner's Sense of Snow:
(regarding the hobgoblin) "Oh, he's been singing for two hours!"
From Treehouse of Horror IV:
"Look at the bus! I was RIGHT, I tell you, I was RIGHT!"
"Right or wrong, your behavior was still disruptive, young man."
^ Just more "by the book" gold from Skinner.
From Little Big Girl:
"Mormon Priest: So how many brides are we marrying today?
Bart: Just the one.
Mormon Priest: Pfft. What are you, gay?"
Such a great scene from Das Bus. Milhouse is on trial and Nelson is the prosecutor.
Nelson rises from his chair, reading as he is examining a notepad. He paces a few times back and forth in front of Milhouse. Then he starts punching Milhouse.
Nelson: "You liar! You did it! You lying jerk, take that! You did it, you did it!"
Lisa: "Objection! He's not asking any questions."
Bart: "Hmm. I'm gonna allow this."
Nelson rises from his chair, reading as he is examining a notepad. He paces a few times back and forth in front of Milhouse. Then he starts punching Milhouse.
Nelson: "You liar! You did it! You lying jerk, take that! You did it, you did it!"
Lisa: "Objection! He's not asking any questions."
Bart: "Hmm. I'm gonna allow this."
Nelson: Haw Haw next time get DVD
Skinner: This is a DVD
^ Love how the it goes up in flames
Paraphrasing but
Bart: Were Snowed in
Students scream
Nelson: Were going to miss Itchy and Scratchy
Students scream again
Skinner: I fixed The DVD
Students scream in horror
It just got worse
Skinner: This is a DVD
^ Love how the it goes up in flames
Paraphrasing but
Bart: Were Snowed in
Students scream
Nelson: Were going to miss Itchy and Scratchy
Students scream again
Skinner: I fixed The DVD
Students scream in horror
It just got worse