Great "Simpsons" Quotes

Homer: My son's a loser, and my daughter's a loner. Way to go, Marge!!

(SIGH)

Gondolier (singing to the tune of That's Amore): When a wife looks like that and her husband's so fat, that's immoral. When she kisses that jerk while I do all the work, that's im...
Homer: Hey, knock it off!
Gondolier: Excusi, no speak-an English. (singing) When that big tub of lard...

Lisa: Dad, we have to do something all the bees are dying!
Homer: (sarcastically) Oh, no! No bees! Ooh, now who will sting me and walk all over my sandwiches?
Lisa: But, Dad! Bees pollinate flowers.
Homer: Pfft. Flowers, the painted whores of the plant world.

:sweat:

Homer: OK, the trampoline was a bad idea. But you know what? At least I'm out there trying new things. If it were up to you, all we'd ever do is work and go to church.
Marge: That's not true.
Homer: Name one thing you've done in the past month that was fun.
Marge: I can name ten things! Uh..I made sloppy Joes!
Homer: That's not fun.

Homer actually makes sense sometimes.



And to further celebrate Beetle Bailey's 60th:

Homer: Hey, who cut out Beetle Bailey? I need my Miss Buxley fix!
Marge: I don't like you ogling her. Why don't you read Cathy? She's hilarious!
Homer: Eh. Too much baggage.
 
From Treehouse of Horror III

Mr. Burns: What do you think, Smithers?
Smithers: I think that women and seamen don't mix.
Mr. Burns: We know what you think.


And from The Canine Mutiny (the one with Laddie)

Milhouse: (referring to Santa's Little Helper)
Remember the time he ate my goldfish, and you lied to me and said I never had any goldfish? Then why did I have the bowl, Bart? Why did I have the bowl?
 
Mr. Burns: Make yourself at home!
Bart: Did you hear that dad? You can lay around in your underwear and scratch yourself!

-

Insurance guy: Now, about this place "Moe's" that you were at before the accident, this is a business of some sort?
Homer's brain: Don't let him know you were at a bar! But what else is open at night?
Homer: It's a pornography store! I was buying pornography!

-

Otto (to Patty at the DMV): Just one question- have you always been a chick? I don't mean to offend you or anything but, you were born a man right? You can tell me, I'm open minded!

-
Kent Brockman: So, as it turns out, we've all been victims of a cruel hoax, masterminded by a 10-year old hooligan. The time has come for finger-pointing, and most of them are squarely aimed at the boy's parents.
Homer: It's not our fault! We didn't want the boy, he was an accident!
Marge: HOMER!
Homer: Sorry. Uh... could you edit that last part out?
Kent: Mr. Simpson, we're live, coast-to-coast.
Homer: D'oh

-

Castro: The Americans aren't so bad. I hear they've even named a street after me in San Francisco
(Castro's aid whispers something in his hear)
Castro: It's full of WHAT?!

-

Moe: You've still got that other kid, Lisa. How about next weekend we take her hunting and make her a man?
Homer: She'd never come. She's a vegetarian.
Moe: What? You and marge ain't cousins, are you?

-

Homer (really really fast sounding like a lunatic): Hey buddy you gotta slow down your car and lemme in cause I'm a big fat guy and I can't go anywhere and there's gonna be some poison gas, I mean really poison gas, and everyone's gonna be dead, especially me!

-

Homer: Well, the evening began at the gentleman's club, where we were discussing Wittgenstein over a game of backgammon.
Scully: Mr. Simpson, it's a felony to lie to the FBI.
Homer: We were sitting in Barney's car eating packetts of mustard. Happy?

-
 
Judge: I can see you sincerely want your children back, but you have a
lot to learn about being parents. Before I can return your
children, you'll have to complete a course called "Family
Skills". It teaches parents to listen to their --
Homer: Communication, gotcha.
Judge: But it's important to --
Homer: Listen, yes, I know.
Judge: But there's more to it than --
Homer: I have listening skills!
Judge: Mr. Simpson, would you please --
Homer: Shut up, Judge!

another from the same episode

Marge: It's so quiet here without the kids.
Homer: What I wouldn't give to hear Lisa play another one of her jazzy
tunes.
[talks into her saxophone to the tune of Beethoven's fifth]
Saxama-phone! Saxama-phone! [sighs] Oh.
Marge: I miss the way Bart would say something, and then say "dude".
Homer: I wish I knew something about the baby I could miss now.
Marge: You mean Maggie?
Homer: [happy] That's it.

Homer was so satisfied and poor marge didn't have anything to remember bart aside from his catchphrases.
 
Tax Auditor: "Mr. Simpson, this government computer can process over 9 tax returns a day. Did you really thing you could fool it?"
Homer: *as a young boarding school boy* "No sir, I'm really sorry sir, and older boy told me to do it."
Tax Auditor: "You're looking at five years, minimum."
Homer: "No sir, please I can't go to prison. They pee in a cup and throw it on you! I saw it in a movie."
Tax Auditor: You won't be seeing any prison movies where you're going: prison!"

From Trouble with Trillions. Also,

Homer: "Here trilly, trilly."
 
From Secrets of a Successful Marriage:

"I can't believe I paid $10,000 for this course! What the heck was that lab fee for?"

From The Secret War of Lisa Simpson:

"While Johnny Welfare plays acid rock on a stolen guitar, his old lady has a better idea. (shows a plastic model of a lady eating a burger with a baby in it) That's right, she's got the "munchies" for a California Cheeseburger."

From Much Apu About Nothing:

"Let bears pay the bear tax. I pay the Homer tax!"
"That's home OWNER tax."

And later in the same episode...

"You want to pick on immigrants? THEN PICK ON WILLIE!"
"Willie, please. The students want to pick on someone their OWN size."

And even later...

"Abe's dad: See that, son? That's where we're going to live. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but someday.
Abe: (narrating) Later that day, we set sail for America.
Abe's dad: (pointing to Statue of Liberty) See that, son? That's our new home.
Abe: (cuts to later; Abe is running on the Statue of Liberty) Yay! I love America!
Abe's mom: Abe, supper's on! (back to present)
Abe: We had to move out once we filled the entire head with garbage."

From Homer vs. the Eighteenth Amendment:

"Listen, rummy, I'm gonna say it plain and simple. Where'd you pinch the hooch? Is some blind tiger jerking suds on the side?"
"...Yes?"

From Burns, Baby Burns:

"Larry: Yeah, uh... Hi, my, my name is Larry. I'm here to see Mr. Burns.
Smithers: Well, I hate to break it to you, Larry, but if Mr. Burns ever wants to see a stranger, he will observe him through a powerful telescope."

^ I love how Smithers says "Larry". Just in that line read, you can tell he doesn't care for him at all.

From 22 Short Films About Springfield:

"Smithers, you infernal ninny, stick your left hoof on that flange, now! Now, if you can get it through your bug-addled brain, jam that second mephitic clodhopper of yours on the right doodad! Now pump those scrawny chicken legs, you stuporous funker!"

From King Size Homer:

"Hey fatty, I got a movie for ya: "A Fridge Too Far"!"

From Raging Age Simpson:

"Abe: Now, my story begins in 19-dickety-two. We had to say "dickety" 'cause that Kaiser had stolen our word "twenty". I chased that rascal to get it back, but gave up after dickety-six miles... (children laugh)
Martin: "Dickety"? Highly dubious!
Abe: What're you cackling at, fatty? Too much pie, that's your problem!"

From The Last of the Red Hat Mamas:

"You're like all Easter Bunnies: Can't take a punch to the crotch!"
 
"'Tis a fine barn, but sure 'tis no pool, English."

"Bees are on the what now?"

"You don't snuggle with Max Power, Marge. You just strap yourself in and feel the Gs!"
 
The first couple seasons featured a running bit involving Bart, Moe's Tavern, and crank calls. Here's the one that I think was the funniest of them all.

*ring*
Moe: [answering the phone] Flaming Moe's.
Bart: Uh, yes, I'm looking for a friend of mine. Last name Jass. First name Hugh.
Moe: Uh, hold on, I'll check. [calling] Hugh Jass! I'm looking for a Hugh Jass! Can somebody check the men's room for a "Huge ass"?!
Hugh Jass: Uh, I'm Hugh Jass.
Moe: Telephone. [hands over the receiver]
Hugh Jass: Hello, this is Hugh Jass.
Bart: [surprised] Uh, hi.
Hugh Jass: Who's this?
Bart: Bart Simpson.
Hugh Jass: Well, what can I do for you, Bart?
Bart: Uh, look, I'll level with you, Mister. This is a prank call that sort of backfired. I'd like to bail out right now.
Hugh Jass: All right. Better luck next time. [hangs up] What a nice young man.

Me as Comic Book Guy: "Best crank call ever!"
 
From Marge the Lam

Injury Consultant: "Homer, this... this is never easy to say, but I'm gonna have to saw your arms off."
Homer: "They'll grow back right?"
Consultant: "Uh... yeah."

From The Principal and the Pauper

Superintendent Chalmers: *referring to Skinner* "Good lord! The rod up that man's butt must have a rod up its butt!"
 
Both of these quotes are from Grampa Vs. Sexual Inadequacy

Bart: No offence there Homer but your half assed underparenting was a lot better than your half assed over parenting
Homer: But I'm using my whole ass.

Homer: I'm a screw up I burnt down our house
Grampa: No I'm a screw up I burnt down our house
Homer: you know what?
Grampa: What?
Homer: We're both screw ups.

From E-I-E-I D'oh
Marge: (after the field failed to produce any crops) Maybe it needs more fertilizer
Homer: I'm only one man Marge.
 
Great "Simpsons" Quotes

  1. Homer: D?oh.
  2. Ralph: Me fail English? That?s unpossible.
  3. Lionel Hutz: This is the greatest case of false advertising I?ve seen since I sued the movie ?The Never Ending Story.?
  4. Sideshow Bob: No children have ever meddled with the Republican Party and lived to tell about it.
  5. Troy McClure: Don?t kid yourself, Jimmy. If a cow ever got the chance, he?d eat you and everyone you care about!
  6. Comic Book Guy: The Internet King? I wonder if he could provide faster nudity?
  7. Homer: Oh, so they have Internet on computers now!
  8. Ned Flanders: I?ve done everything the Bible says ? even the stuff that contradicts the other stuff!
  9. Comic Book Guy: Your questions have become more redundant and annoying than the last three ?Highlander? movies.
  10. Chief Wiggum: Uh, no, you got the wrong number. This is 9-1?2.
 
From the Emmy award winning "Trash of the Titans."

Homer: "Animals are crapping in our houses and we're picking it up. Did we lose a war? That's not America! That's not even Mexico!"
 
I love that quote too. One of the first great Burns quotes.

Eight Misbehavin':

Kent Brockman: How do you respond to the comments that this sort of birth is better suited for, say, a POSSUM than a human being?
Manjula: Who would say such a thing?
Kent Brockman: Pundits? Wags? I'm not the one on trial here!

^ Someone's awfully defensive...

Separate Vocations:

Marge: Bart's grades are up a little this term! But Lisa's are way down.
Homer: Oh... we always have one good kid and one lousy kid. Why can't both our kids be good?
Marge: We have three kids, Homer.
Homer: Marge, the dog doesn't count as a kid!
Marge: No, Maggie.
Homer: Oh yeah!

Home Away From Homer:

Ned: The Bible says to cast thy food upon the waters, but all I got was a bunch of soggy bread.
Homer: Mmmmm, soggy brea-
Ned: Don't say it, Homer! This is not the time!
Homer: ...eeeeaaaaddd.

Homer at the Bat:

Homer: You're Darryl Strawberry.
Darryl: Yes?
Homer: You play right field.
Darryl: Yes?
Homer: I play right field, too.
Darryl: So?
Homer: Well, are you better than me?
Darryl: Well, I never met you... but... yes.

Catch 'Em if You Can:

Homer: We don't have boarding passes, but we need to get on that plane for reasons that are utterly insane!
Clerk: Go ahead, what do I care? I'm getting laid off tomorrow.

^ A similar joke that I like appears in Family Guy when Peter goes to a job placement agency and the person helping him only has two weeks left and his mind is elsewhere. "Uhhhhhh..... chef?"

Grift of the Magi:

Bart: You know what our homework is? Find a toy and bring it to class.
Marge: Boy, that sounds fun!
Bart: I know, but I'm still not gonna do it.

Homie the Clown:

Legs: I'm seein' doubles, here: Four Krustys!

Bart Gets an Elephant:

Homer: Bart! With $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all sorts of things, like... love!

Also:

Bart: Dad, you can't do this. Stampy is my friend.
Homer: Don't worry, son. I'll get you a new elephant.
Ivory Dealer: I'll take that one, too.
Homer: Done!

^ Love the timing on that.

The Boy Who Knew Too Much:

Moe: Freddy Quimby was with me the entire night in question. We were collecting canned goods for the starving kids in... uh, you know, one of them LOSER countries.

^ How tactful.

Itchy & Scratchy The Movie:

Homer: I won't sit here and listen to you badmouthing Lisa!
Marge: We're talking about BART.
Homer: Oh. THAT guy.

Bart's Girlfriend:

Lisa: You gotta give her up.
Bart: No no, wait: hear my plan. Put up with her for seven more years, then we'll get married. Once the first baby comes along she's bound to settle down and start treating me right. After all, I deserve it!

^ Um, that's actually the opposite of what would really happen.
 
"D'OH-ETH!"



"You shot who in the what now?"

I also love the following run in "Burns' Heir"

BURNS: I suggest you leave immediately.

HOMER: Or what? You'll release the dogs? Or the bees? Or the dogs with bees in their mouths so when they bark they shoot bees at you? Go ahead...do your worst!

[Mr. Burns shuts the door]

HOMER: ["Fairy" voice] He locked the door! I'll show him...! [rings doorbell, the runs away]
 
From Sideshow Bob's Last Gleaming:

"By the way, I'm aware of the irony of appearing on TV in order to decry it. So don't bother pointing that out."

^ This is one of my all-time favorite Simpsons quotes. Out of this context, I've used it myself on more than one occasion.

From Homerpalooza:

"You guys back there know Grand Funk, right? (silence) Nobody knows the band Grand Funk? The wild, shirtless lyrics of Mark Farner? The bong-rattling bass of Mel Schacher? The competent drum work of Don Brewer? Oh, MAN!"

^ I don't know why, but this makes me laugh. Maybe it's how he emphasizes the "er" on every band member's last name.

From The Otto Show:

"Some think there are only five members of Spinal Tap. But, they're WRONG. (nothing happens) Could we turn the house lights up, please? That was the cue to turn up the house lights so we could tell the audience they're the sixth member of the freakin' group!"

^ Nothing better than performing acts gone wrong.

From I'm With Cupid: (I'm paraphrasing this one)

Bart: Mom, would you help me with my science project? I need to make a model of the digestive system.
Marge: Of course!
Bart: Great. It's due tomorrow.
Marge: Tomorrow?! Well that's too bad, mister. I'm not going to bail you out this time.
Bart: (meekly) All right, I understand.
Marge: All right, fine, I'll get you the supplies, but you're building it!
Bart: Okay. (stares at her)
Marge: (beat) Oh, I'll just make the whole thing.

From Crook and Ladder:

Bart: Hey, zombie. Want to come outside and play?
Homer: Zombie kill!
Bart: No, PLAY.
Homer: Zombie file grievance.

And in the same episode...

"You have just been Apu'd!"

From Homer and Apu:

Robber: Don't try any funny stuff.
James Woods: I guarantee you, if I tried any funny stuff, you would be in hysterics.
Robber: Hey, you're James Woods!
James Woods: Oh thank you. Yes, thank you.
Robber: Well Mr. Woods, your next song is gonna be Number 3 With a Bullet!
James Woods: ...I'm not a singer.
Robber: Shut up!

^ Love how the robber continues with his robbery instead of being starstruck and forgetting about it, and of course the joke of not knowing the difference between a movie star and a singer.
 
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