Great "Simpsons" Quotes

From "All Singing, All Dancing":

LISA: That was pretty bad, Bart / but it could have been worse

You could have been carrying / a sequined purse!

BART: I hate to dance / and prance and sing!

That's really more / of a Milhouse thing!
 
Homer: My son's a loser, and my daughter's a loner. Way to go, Marge!!

(SIGH)

Gondolier (singing to the tune of That's Amore): When a wife looks like that and her husband's so fat, that's immoral. When she kisses that jerk while I do all the work, that's im...
Homer: Hey, knock it off!
Gondolier: Excusi, no speak-an English. (singing) When that big tub of lard...

Lisa: Dad, we have to do something all the bees are dying!
Homer: (sarcastically) Oh, no! No bees! Ooh, now who will sting me and walk all over my sandwiches?
Lisa: But, Dad! Bees pollinate flowers.
Homer: Pfft. Flowers, the painted whores of the plant world.



Homer: OK, the trampoline was a bad idea. But you know what? At least I'm out there trying new things. If it were up to you, all we'd ever do is work and go to church.
Marge: That's not true.
Homer: Name one thing you've done in the past month that was fun.
Marge: I can name ten things! Uh..I made sloppy Joes!
Homer: That's not fun.

Homer actually makes sense sometimes.



And to further celebrate Beetle Bailey's 60th:

Homer: Hey, who cut out Beetle Bailey? I need my Miss Buxley fix!
Marge: I don't like you ogling her. Why don't you read Cathy? She's hilarious!
Homer: Eh. Too much baggage.
 
I think it's funny because what he's saying aren't really compliments. He's basically saying they're an average band when he's supposed to be building them up.

But then he says this later on:

Homer: Everyone knows rock attained perfection in 1974. It's a scientific fact.

Which anyone who is a fan of rock music knows is absolutely wrong. In fact, 1974 is well regarded as the worst year in rock music history. Emphasizing that Homer really isn't as knowledgeable on music as he tries to come off.

I find it a shame that they knocked this one in the commentary a bit. As a big music fan, it's one of my favorites.
 
From the Emmy award winning "Trash of the Titans."

Homer: "Animals are crapping in our houses and we're picking it up. Did we lose a war? That's not America! That's not even Mexico!"
 
An underrated classic from "Homer vs. Patty and Selma":

Bart: What a day, eh, Milhouse? The sun is out, birRAB are singing, bees are trying to have sex with them - as is my understanding...
 
Judge: I can see you sincerely want your children back, but you have a
lot to learn about being parents. Before I can return your
children, you'll have to complete a course called "Family
Skills". It teaches parents to listen to their --
Homer: Communication, gotcha.
Judge: But it's important to --
Homer: Listen, yes, I know.
Judge: But there's more to it than --
Homer: I have listening skills!
Judge: Mr. Simpson, would you please --
Homer: Shut up, Judge!

another from the same episode

Marge: It's so quiet here without the kiRAB.
Homer: What I wouldn't give to hear Lisa play another one of her jazzy
tunes.
[talks into her saxophone to the tune of Beethoven's fifth]
Saxama-phone! Saxama-phone! [sighs] Oh.
Marge: I miss the way Bart would say something, and then say "dude".
Homer: I wish I knew something about the baby I could miss now.
Marge: You mean Maggie?
Homer: [happy] That's it.

Homer was so satisfied and poor marge didn't have anything to remeraber bart aside from his catchphrases.
 
Also from Homerpalooza:
Billy Corgan: "Hey cannonball, I like your statement: when life takes a cheap
shot at you, you stand your ground. Billy Corgan, Smashing Pumpkins."
Homer: "Homer Simpson, smiling politely."
Billy Corgan: "We envy you, Homer. All we have is our music, our legions of
fans, our millions of dollars, and our youth. *pause* Whoo-hoo!"

This is just a great episode all around.
 
This has always been one of my favorites from the Shining parody:

Homer: No tv and beer make Homer something something...
Marge: Go crazy??
Homer: Don't mind if I do!!!
 
"D'OH-ETH!"



"You shot who in the what now?"

I also love the following run in "Burns' Heir"

BURNS: I suggest you leave immediately.

HOMER: Or what? You'll release the dogs? Or the bees? Or the dogs with bees in their mouths so when they bark they shoot bees at you? Go ahead...do your worst!

[Mr. Burns shuts the door]

HOMER: ["Fairy" voice] He locked the door! I'll show him...! [rings doorbell, the runs away]
 
Tax Auditor: "Mr. Simpson, this government computer can process over 9 tax returns a day. Did you really thing you could fool it?"
Homer: *as a young boarding school boy* "No sir, I'm really sorry sir, and older boy told me to do it."
Tax Auditor: "You're looking at five years, minimum."
Homer: "No sir, please I can't go to prison. They pee in a cup and throw it on you! I saw it in a movie."
Tax Auditor: You won't be seeing any prison movies where you're going: prison!"

From Trouble with Trillions. Also,

Homer: "Here trilly, trilly."
 
BIGGER BROTHERS SECRETARY: And what are your reasons for joining Bigger Brothers, Mr. Simpson?

HOMER'S BRAIN: Don't say revenge, Don't say revenge.

HOMER: Uhhh....revenge?

HOMER'S BRAIN: That's it, I'm outta here. [sound of receeding footsteps, then a slamming door]

BIGGER BROTHERS SECRETARY: [checks off "revenge" on her notepad]
 
Selma's Choice

Troy McClure: Come to Duff Gardens, where roaming gangs aren't a big problem anymore!

^ What a ringing endorsement!

I Married Marge

(during the power plant interview)
Smithers: Next: There's a problem with the reactor. What do you do?
Homer: There's a problem with the reactor?! We're all going to die! (runs out)

Homie the Clown

Homer: When I started this clown thing, I thought it would be nothing but glory. You know, the glory of being a clown. But I tell you, it's hard, tiring work. But when I see the smiles on their little faces, I just know they're getting ready to jab me with something.

^ Completely goes against what you think he's going to say.

Lisa vs. Malibu Stacey

Grampa: I'm gonna get me a job: A real malibu... and see if Stacy... can help... invent...me... young... Help!

Smoke on the Daughter

(Quiraby is in bed with a woman)
Quiraby: Lord, I could use a smoke.
(Homer throws a carton of cigarettes through Quiraby's window onto the bed)
Quiraby: Thank God. Cigarette?
Woman: Can't. I'm pregnant.
Quiraby: (to God) Uh, one more favor?

^ I swear, Quiraby is one of the funniest characters on the show. This is such a dark joke (he's actually subtly requesting God kill his girlfriend's unborn baby?!), but I love it.
 
From Treehouse of Horror VIII:

"SILENCE!.... You're talking too loud."

Mel's delivery of this gets me every time.

From The Last Temptation of Homer:

"Thanks for polluting the planet, bastard!"
"Get bent!"
"No more Chernobyl!"
"GO TO HELL!"

From Eight Misbehavin':

Homer: Free baby cola?! Apu hits the jackpot, and I'm stuck with these juiceless one-tuplets.
Bart: Jeez, sorry for being born.
Homer: I've been waiting so long for you to say that.

I also love this string from the same episode:

Marge: I thought you might have the hanRAB full with the babies, so I baked you some banana bread.
Apu: Oh hallelujah, we have banana bread. Our problems are solved!
Marge: Well you don't have to be sarcastic.
Manjula: Oh look who it is: The family with ONE baby. How DO you manage?
Homer: (whispering loudly) Marge, they've turned into jerks.
Apu: Excuse me, we've been rude.
Marge: Maybe you two should get a nanny.
Apu: Yes, and what would I pay her with? Banana bread? Sorry sorry, it's just that we haven't slept in days and we're running out of money and... (snapping again) BANANA BREAD?! What the hell were you thinking? Banana bread. Sorry. Sorry again. As a token of forgiveness, please take this baby.
Homer: No! Marge, NO!
 
Back
Top