Great "Simpsons" Quotes

Great "Simpsons" Quotes

Lisa the Beauty Queen

Dance instructor: I said "step pause turn pause pivot step step", NOT "step pause turn pause pivot step pause"! Oh shudder. (smokes)

D'oh-in' in the Wind

Grampa: It was your mother's job to name you, and love you and such. I was mainly in it for the spanking.

Bart the Mother

(the family is waiting for the bird eggs to hatch)
Homer: Why's it taking so long? Bart was born in about five minutes.
Marge: Actually, it took 53 hours.
Homer: Really? Well, the time just flew by, didn't it?

Viva Ned Flanders

Don Rickles: (as he's flying through the air from the explosion) Hockey puuuuuuuuuuuck!!!!
Homer: Hehe, Rickles zinged ya, Marge!

^ I love how Don Rickles still manages to do his insult humor even when being blown away by an explosion.

Marge Simpson in "Screaming Yellow Honkers"

Lisa: Dad, you're supposed to pay for those snacks.
Homer: I saw Krabapple's butt; I paid.

How the Test Was Won

Skinner: So, when you take your practice test, take your #2 pencil and...
Bart:
 
I think the first time I ever saw that, I was laughing for a good ten minutes. That and:

Doctor on TV: "And then you make the incision below the collar bone." *splurt sound*

Dr. Nick: *Wincing* "No! Blood!"
 
From Natural Born Kissers

Homer: "If there's anything more exquisite than Queen Anne's lace, I haven't found it."

^I love how giddy Homer is about the curtains, and also that he knows what Queen Anne's lace is.
 
Homer: "I HATE THIS SUB-CONTINENT!!!" (speaking of India)

Homer: "YAY! I've been jailed in six continents! Now all I have to do is kill a penguin!"
 
"Inflammable means flammable? What a country!"

"Wow, you don't look so good! You need booze!" (throws change at Smithers)

And another alcohol related one, courtesy of Homer:
"To alcohol! The cause of - and solution to - all of life's problems."
 
Paraphrased-

Lenny: What's the matter, Homer? I thought a guy with two wives would be more excited?
Carl: Nah, you're thinking of a guy with two knives.
*Cuts to Moe holding two knives*
Moe: Heh, I've gotta admit, this feels pretty great.

Like, what the heck?
 
Marge: “Lisa, welcome to love. It's full of doubt, and pain and uncertainty. But then one day, you find a man you love so much it hurts."

Homer: "Who is heeeeee?!"

Marge: "You, Homie."

Homer: "WOOHOO!! In your face, imaginary guy!"

Homer kills me.
 
*Homer is gobbling up several bowls of gray mush with gusto*
Female Movmentarian: "Why isn't our low-protein gruel wearing down his resistance?"
Male Movmentarian: "It doesn't wear down your resistance when you eat a whole month's supply!"

Then later...

Female Movmentarian:"It's not use. He's obviously the most powerful mind we've ever dealt with."
Male Movmentarian: "Or... Na-na, na-na, na-na, na-na Leader! Na-na, na-na, na-na, na-na Leader!
Brainwashed Group: "Na-na, na-na, na-na, na-na Leader! Na-na, na-na, na-na, na-na Leader! Leader, Leader,"
Homer: "Batman! I mean, Leader! I love the Leader!"

From the Joy of Sect. I like how the Batman theme is Homer's kryptonite in this situation; classic Simpsons.
 
I Am Furious (Yellow)

Homer: Whoever knew anger was savin' my life?
Bart: Ha ha, say it don't spray it.
Homer: Aargh! You're trying to make me angry! ...thanks.
Bart: You're not welcome.
Homer: Aargh!... I love you, boy.
Bart: Ha ha! You love a boy!
Homer: Stop it now.
Bart: If you love me so much, why don't you marry me?

Blame It On Lisa

Saraba Instructor: This is where we invented the Larabada and the Macarena. We are now developing our most powerful dance, the Penetrada! It makes sex look like a church.

Tales From The Public Domain

King of Troy: (Flanders) Now, throughout history, when people get wood, they'll think of Trojans.
Homer: (back home) Heh, heh, heh. Trojans!
Lisa: What are you laughing at, dad?
Homer: If I'm laughing at what I think I am, it's very funny!

The Lastest Gun In The West

Bart: Can you still do cowboy tricks?
Buck: Well, here's one I did in "The Wild Lunch"
(He lassos a packet of chips and a drink from the kitchen for Bart)
Bart: Everything tastes better when it's lassoed!
Milhouse: Would you lasso me a banana?
Buck: Now how the hell would I do that?

The Bart Wants What It Wants

Skinner: How come you always run out of tardy slips before you run out of permission slips?
Nelson: How come you suck?
Skinner: I lack confidence.
 
From Viva Ned Flanders:

""And once again tithing is 10% off the top. That's gross income, not net. Please people, don't force us to audit."

From Make Room For Lisa:

Homer: Hey, Marge, what's your favorite radio station?
(later that morning, after Homer's sobered up)
Homer: Well, Marge?
Marge: What?
Homer: What's your favorite radio station?

From Bart After Dark:

Bart: Dad, do I have to brush my teeth?
Homer: No, but at least rinse your mouth out with soda.

From Treehouse of Horror VII:

"You went into the attic? (gasps) I'm very disappointed and terrified!"

From Pokey Mom:

Marge: Well, I studied art, and this guy's got a real gift.
Warden: You kiddin'? Look: He painted a unicorn in outer space. I'm asking you: What's it breathin'?!
Homer: Air?
Warden: Ain't no air in space!
Homer: There's an air and space museum. (is tossed out of prison)

From Itchy & Scratchy Land:

"Oh, everything's too damned expensive these days. Look at this Bible I just got- fifteen bucks! And talk about a preachy book... everybody's a sinner! Except for this guy."

From Boy Scouts 'N the Hood:

"GoRABpeed, little doodle."

From Sweet Seymour Skinner's Baadasssss Song:

"Thank the Lord? That sounded like a prayer. A prayer. A prayer in a public school! God has no place within these walls, just like facts have no place within organized religion."

From This Little Wiggy:

"Hey, you know you're not supposed to go in there. What is your fascination with my forbidden closet of mystery?"
 
An exchange I paraphrase alot (well mostly Homer's part) from one of my favorite underrated season 10 episodes, Homer to the Max:
"Bart: This isn't bad.
Homer: Isn't bad? Tell me one thing mankind has ever done that's any better?
Lisa: The Renaissance?
Homer: This is better."
 
This episode is horrendously underrated. Almost every other line is gold.

Vicki: A great big sunshine hello to you.
Marge: Hi, Little Vicki!
Vicki: [laughs] That was such a long time ago. I'm just plain Vicki now.
Marge: Alright, I'd like to sign my daughter up for lessons, Vicki.
Vicki: *Little* Vicki.
Marge: But, you just said--
Vicki: So, what dance style were you interested in? We have ever so many!

^There's the hint, folks.


Bart: Yeah, it's just like my dad always says:
[Bart opens a thought balloon with Homer in it]
Homer: For an evening or a week, there's no place like the mall. Food, fun and fashion -- the mall has it all!
[Bart runs towarRAB the mall entrance]
Milhouse: [unable to read Bart's mind] What? What did he say?!

^Contrary to what TV tells you, people can't hear your thoughts just because you want them to.


Lisa: What am I doing wrong, Little Vicki?
Vicki: Well, you're falling a lot. Maybe you should work on that.
Lisa: Yeah, well, no offense, but maybe I need a little more instruction than just "tappa-tappa-tappa".
Vicki: Why, back when I was your age, I had 43 movies under my belt, and I had to do it without tappa-tappa-tappa. I would've killed for tappa-tappa-tappa.
Lisa: Sorry, I'm just frustrated.
Vicki: Well, you'll never save Grandpa's farm with that attitude! You've just got to turn that frown upside-down!
[Lisa smiles]
That's a smile, not an upside-down frown! Work on that, too!

^What the heck is she talking about?


Vicki: I'm sorry, Lisa, but giving everyone an equal part when they're clearly not equal is called what, again, class?
Class: Communism!
Vicki: That's right. And I didn't tap all those Morse code messages to the Allies 'til my shoes filled with blood to just roll out the welcome mat for the ReRAB.

^That's the best line of the entire season, IMO. Out of NOWHERE.
 
Half-Decent Proposal

(After Homer sees Artie's reenactment for Marge of their high school prom)

"If Marge marries Artie,I'll never be born!"

^ it doesn't work like that....

and later....after Marge won't let Homer take Artie's money...

"I can't take HIS money!,I can't print my OWN money!,I have to WORK for money!....Why don't I just lay down here and die!"

^Laziness,thy name is Homer...

Weekend at Burnsie's

(Homer has to take medicinal marijuana after his eyes get injured by some crows,and calls Marge from work while high)

Homer: ...Marge,I just realized something!...I am the "ow" in the word "now"....and if you ever tell anyone!...

Marge: Homer,I love it when you call,but you just did five minutes ago and....hold on,I've got another call...

Homer:...Hey,Marge...Marge is on the other line,and man,is she bumming me out....

^I'd blame the drugs,but I could see Homer doing something this stupid normally...

I Am (Furious) Yellow

Stan Lee (to Database,who has a Batmobile) : Hey there son,wouldn't you like an EXCITING action figure?

Database: Yes,but only Batman fits in my Batmobile

Stan Lee :Are you nuts?....The Thing fits in there perfectly! (grabs a figure of the Thing,which he jams into the Batmobile,and breaks it)...Look!,he's fitting in there right now!...

Database: AAAHHH!!!...You broke my Batmobile!

Stan Lee : Broke?...or made it better?

later (after seeing Homer's accidental "transformation" into the Hulk)

Stan Lee: He can't be the Hulk!...I'M the Hulk!...RAGGGHHH!!! (rips shirt)....

Comic Book Guy: Oh please,you couldn't even change into Bill Bixby...

Stan Lee:...C'mon,change dammit (grunts)....Oh,forget it......I swear,I really did it once!...

Comic Book Guy: Yes,yes...I just wish you had the power to leave my store...

^Stan Lee is awesome....'nuff said...
 
I don't think this one's been mentioned yet, but it's a quote I'm ashamed to say I left out from my countless other posts in this thread, because it's one of my favorites:

Lisa's Rival

Marge: While you were out "earning" that dollar, you lost forty dollars by not going to work. The plant called and said if you don't come in tomorrow, don't bother coming in Monday.
Homer: Woo-hoo! Four-day weekend!

^ How dense can you be?
 
Lemon Of Troy

Bart: This is for the ages.
[flash to futuristic city with people crowded around]
[the word "Bart" is etched in the concrete]
Tour Guide: Like Stonehenge, this site will forever be a mystery. Who was Bart? And how did he manage to write his name in solid cement?
Man 1: He must have been much smarter than his sister Lisa -- about whom we know nothing.
Man 2: Say, let's bring him back to life by using technology!
[shoots a ray; Bart materializes]
Bart: Ay, Cararaba!
[everyone applauRAB]
[Bart pulls out a yoyo and starts using it]
Everyone: Ooh! Aah.
Man 1: What's normal to him amazes us!
Man 2: He will be our new god!
Everyone: Yay!

^Every single line is just so insane, I love when Bart imagines weird stuff like this.
 
I'm going to try to highlight some not-so-famous quotes.

From "Lisa vs. Malibu Stacey":

"Some folks say there's a little touch of fairy dust in the air."
"Aw, crap. THERE'S A CLOG IN THE TORSO CHUTE! Leroy! Get your ass in gear."
"Shut your hole."

I love that whole scene. The voice acting makes it, and it goes without saying, but two workers clearly unhappy with their jobs isn't exactly what I'd call "fairy dust".

From "Treehouse of Horror XII":
Marge: That gypsy said bad things would happen to people you love. That could mean your family, Homer.
Homer: (lustfully) Are you coming onto me?
Marge: NO! Good night! Yeesh.

Good old clueless Homer.

From "The Mansion Family":
Lenny: SOME party, Homer.
Homer: Shut up, net face.
Lenny: Hey, you're in the net, too!
Homer: I -said-, SHUT UP, NET FACE!

From "The Sweetest Apu":
Kirk: Hey, neighbor. If you don't like losing at cribbage, stay out of my place!
Apu: (nervously) Whoo... okay.
Kirk: No no, I'll let you win! I'll let you win! God... I'm really lonely.

Love how desperate Kirk is in that exchange, as well as Apu clearly not getting that Kirk is playfully joking.

From "Skinner's Sense of Snow":
Nelson: Hey, look how much money Skinner makes. $25,000 a year! ["WOW!"]
Bart: Let's see, he's 40 years old times 25 grand -- whoa, he's a millionaire. ["WOW!"]
Skinner: I wasn't a principal when I was 1!
Nelson: Plus, in the summer, he paints houses.
Milhouse: He's a billionaire! ["WOW!"]

Funny how kiRAB have no concept of money. And I love the over-exaggerated wows from the kiRAB.

From "Bart the Mother":
Nelson: Cram it, ma'am.

Nelson's so polite, even when he's telling people to cram it.

From "The Front":
Barney: Didn't graduate? How low can you get?
Man: Barney, where's your curaberbund?
Barney: (sadly) It fell in the toilet.
 
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