Great "Simpsons" Quotes

Marge: We don't think you're slow. But on the other hand, it's not
like you go to museums or read books or anything.
Homer: You think I don't want to? It's those TV networks, Marge. they
won't let me. One quality show after another, each one fresher
and more brilliant than the last. If they only sturabled once,
just gave us thirty minutes to ourselves, but they won't! They won't let me live!

Yeah, Homer. TV's completely to blame.

This is after watching an episode of "Admiral Baby":
Homer: I never thought I'd say this about a TV show but, this
is kind of stupid.

I guess even Homer has limits.
 
From "Bart's Girlfriend" [paraphrased from memory]:

Bart: It's no use, Lisa, she's an evil genius, she reaRAB at a fifth-grade level, and... [sighs] ...her hair smells like red fruit loops.

Lisa: Oh yeah? Well I eat Fruit Loops for breakfast!

It's the camera lean-in and threatening music sting that makes that joke work so well.
 
Marge: I guess that fear I always had of you stealing Homer away is unfounded.
Homer: Marge, I'd be a lot more worried about me leaving you for a sausage patty than your sister Patty.

Krusty: Good job, kid! What's your name?
Bart: I'm Bart Simpson. I saved you from jail.
Krusty: Er, I...
Bart: I reunited you with your estranged father.
Krusty: Er, uh, I don't know...
Bart: I saved your career, man! Remeraber your comeback special?
Krusty: Yeah, well, what have you done for me lately?
Bart: I got you that danish.
Krusty: And I'll never forget it.

But you've forgotten everything else?
 
I miss Phil Hartman.

"And as for your case, don't you worry. I've argued in front of every judge in the state. Often as a lawyer!"

Other favorite moments:

Kent Brockman: Springfield has come down with a fever: football fever. If you have the fever, there's only one cure. Take 2 tickets, and see the game Sunday morning.
Public Service Announcer: Warning. Tickets should NOT be taken internally.
Homer: See? Because of me, now they have a warning.

It's so insane that it works.


(In a car)
Flanders: Homer, I think you hit something.
Homer: I hope it was Flanders.

I don't know why I love this one. Maybe because it's so unexpected.


Lisa: Where are the dice?
Todd Flanders: Daddy says dice are wicked.
Rod Flanders: We just move one space at a time. It's less fun that way!

Rod's delivery makes it work.


Marge: Homer, is this how you pictured married life?
Homer: Yeah, pretty much, except we drove around in a van solving mysteries.

But of course.

Man, I could go on all day. There's so many great ones.
 
Dial "Z" For Zorabies from the third Halloween has some truly great dialogue.

Bart: From A-Apple to Z-Zebra, Baby's First Pop-up book is 26 pages of alphabetic adventure!
Mrs.K: Bart, you mean to tell me you read a book intended for preschoolers?
Bart: Well, most of it.

Lisa: Dad, we did something very bad!
Homer: [eating pork rinRAB, frowns] Did you wreck the car?
Bart: Nooo!
Homer: [frowns] Did you raise the dead?
Lisa: Yesss!
Homer: [more frowns] But the car's okay?
KiRAB: Uh-huh.
Homer: [relieved] All right then.

Bart: Dad, you killed the Zorabie Flanders!
Homer: He was a Zorabie!?
 
This is from one of the "Sideshow Bob" episodes (can't remeraber which one )....

(Marge and Homer are outside Bart's room listening to him saying his prayers)

Bart : ...and God bless Mom,and Dad...and God....please kill Sideshow Bob!!!!

Marge : BART!!!

Bart : (quickly) It's him or me,oh Lord!!!

Marge : Bart,you can't ask God to kill someone!!!

Homer : Yeah,you do your own dirty work!!!

^Another example of Homer completely missing the point....
 
^ TV-related quotes, eh?

Treehouse of Horror V:

Homer: (gasps) Television! Teacher, mother, secret lover...

The Cartridge Family:

Marge: No one's using this gun! The TV said you're 58% more likely to shoot a family meraber than an intruder!
Homer: ...TV said that?!

^ Homer feels betrayed by television. I love it.

Behind the Laughter:

Homer: Then we figured out we could park them in front of the TV. That's how I was raised, and I turned out TV.

Lisa the Skeptic:

Announcer: Coming up next, an hilarious boat give-a-way scam, that's Springfield's Durabest Criminals!
Homer: Hehe. SounRAB like gooooooood watching.

^ I love how Homer completely forgets that he was one of the people scammed.

Homer the Heretic:

Marge: I'm only going to ask you one last time. Are you sure you won't come to church with us?
Announcer: Coming up next: Make your own ladder!
Homer: (eyes widen) VERY sure.

^ Homer must really hate church if he'd rather watch a ladder being built.

Bart vs. Lisa vs. The Third Grade:

Homer: Awww, I hate reality shows!
Marge: A year ago, you said they were the greatest thing that ever happened to us.
Homer: I've grown, you haven't.

Last of the Red Hat Mamas:

Announcer: Welcome back to Fox Sports West II Classic Fox Sports Fox!

Bye Bye Nerdie:

Announcer: And now, back to Afternoon Yak.
Female host: Men.
Female audience: Booooooooo!!!
Homer: (changes channel) Cancelled.

^ Love how quick this is.

Homer Loves Flanders:

Homer: Boring! Let's watch something else.
Rod/Todd: Aw...
Ned: Now, boys, Mr. Simpson is the guest. He gets to decide what to watch.
Homer: (each channel he flips past is locked) Hey, what gives? I thought you had a satellite dish.
Ned: Sure doodily-do. Over 230 channels locked out!

^ I... don't think it's worth the money then, Ned.

Sideshow Bob's Last Gleaming:

Sideshow Bob: Oh, how I loathe that box. An omnidirectional sludge pump droning and burping...
Rupert Murdoch: Look here, that's enough now! I own 60% of that network!
 
another fave Dr. Nick line (I think it's also from "Homer's Triple Bypass")

"The coroner?....I'm so sick of that guy!...Well,see you in the operating place!!!"

(Just what someone wants to hear before going in for surgery )....
 
Homer: :gasp: Oooh... oh yeah! Oh that's good. Oh don't stop, oh yeah! Faster! Faster! Faster! FASTER! Oooh you do that like a pro!
Marge: Oh no! She's making him a sandwich!
Homer: Use both hanRAB!


Homer: "There are only so many times I can say sorry and still mean it."
There's a relatable quote.

This transpired when Lisa was reading "The Raven" to Bart:
Bart: You know what would have been scarier than nothing?
Lisa: What?
Bart: ANYTHING!

I have to agree with him there.
 
From My Sister, My Sitter:

"Pfft. All the best banRAB are affiliated with Satan."

"Krusty: HEY HEY! Are you ready to get rowdy?!"
Lisa: Excuse me?"
Krusty: Somebody phoned me for an emergency bachelor party."
Lisa: Well there's been a mistake."
Krusty: Well I'm not leaving 'til I get paid! I get $500 just for "hey hey"."

"Uh, hold on a minute. Let me have a look at that wheelbarrow, please. Just as I thought. It's a Yard King! That is a quality barrow."

^ Wiggum sure knows his barrows.

From The Heart-Broke Kid:

"I'm telling you Bart, one vice leaRAB to another. Then you end up like me: So jaded, the only thing that gets you off is freebasing ground up moon rocks. (does so) All this does is get me to normal."

From Two Bad Neighbors:

"Bar! My motor's gone loco!"

^ I don't know why, but this always makes me laugh. I guess it's because such worRAB are coming out of Bush's mouth.

From The Great Money Caper:

"Now, this little nuraber was in The Sting: Part II, so nobody knows about it!"

^ Zing!

From 24 Minutes:

"Now I don’t have much time so I’m just gonna come out and say his name. So get ready to know his name. His name is the following." (is knocked out)

^ Next time, get to the point.

From I Don't Wanna Know Why the Caged Bird Sings:

"Lou: Chief, I think we got a situation here.
Wiggum: Can't a man have one minute with his stuffed monkey? One minute?!
Lou: (under breath) The monkey would make a better chief...
Wiggum: What was that?
Lou: (loudly) I said THE MONKEY would make a better chief!
Wiggum: He's a pretty great monkey all right."

^ Wiggum and co. are usually reliable for comedy, especially the rivalry between Wiggum and Lou.

From Ice Cream of Marge (With the Light Blue Hair):

"Marge: I'm glad someone in this house feels their life has meaning."
"Homer: You're glad? You don't look glad. Are you sure you know what glad means?"

From Bart Gets an Elephant:

Homer: These bills will have to be paid out of your allowance!
Bart: Well, you'll have to raise my allowance to $1,000 a week.
Homer: Then that's what I'll DO, smart guy!

From Last Tap Dance in Springfield:

The film "Tango de la Muerte" in general is gold.

"As your wise but alcoholic dance coach, I know that somewhere your father is looking down on you and smiling. Oh, there he is!" (camera pans up to father)

"Que malo! Once again, I must sugar my own churro."

"Only one man was crazy enough to dance that dance, and he is dead!"
"My twin brother, Freduardo. But where he died, I shall live. In his apartment."

From Bart's Comet:

"Curse the man who invented helium! Curse Pierre-Jules-Cesar Janssen!"
 
From Selma's Choice:

"Give her these, and these, and then these. (dumps a whole bunch of pills into Selma's hanRAB)"
"Thank you, doctor."
"Oh I'm not a doctor!"

From He Loves to Fly and He D'oh's:

"(regarding the flight attendant) And... just so you know, she'll do anything for you. (quickly) Anything except sex! (normally) And I DO mean, anything."

^ Well then it's not EVERYTHING, is it?

From Lisa the Treehugger:

"Look at these refugees. How about a smile?!"

From The Principal and the Pauper:

"Oh, yes. Oh, yes. Capital City's nakedest ladies. They're not even wearing, a smile. Nod suggestively. Yes, six, count 'em, six gorgeous ladies just dying... for your leers and cat calls. Yowsa, yowsa."

^ Love how flatly Skinner reaRAB that line.

From Lost Our Lisa:

"Burns: Shouldn't you be at work right now?
Homer: Uh, yes, sir, Mr. Burns, sir...
Burns: Well, then get back to wherever it is you work, whoever you are."

^ One of the many times when Burns's forgetfulness works in Homer's favor.

From $pringfield:

"Oh, it's always something, isn't it? First I have to drive your pregnant mother to the hospital so she can give birth to you. And now this."

^ LOL. That's not many things.

From Homer Simpson in Kidney Trouble:

"And, uh, are those your original lips?"
"Well actually, I... HEY! Quit harvesting me with your eyes!"

From Durabbell Indemnity:

"That's what you get for not Hailing to the Chimp!"

From Maximum Homerdrive:

Actress: "You mean, it ate Patrick too?"
Actor: "It ate everybody."
Actress: "What about Erika?"
Homer/Actor: "IT ATE EVERYBODY!"
Homer: ...Stupid!"

From The Homer They Fall:

"Son, there's only one thing punks like that understand: Squealing. You've got to squeal to every teacher and every grown-up you can find. Coming to me was a good start."
"But then they'll just beat me up even worse!"
"...Yes, they are a clever bunch."

From Mom and Pop Art:

"So you better catch the fever! (to Bart, menacingly) CATCH IT...."

From The Haw-Hawed Couple:

"Neslon: Uh, I know it seems a little quiet. Must be a lot of traffic today. Is Highway 88 backed up?
Bart: Oh, yeah, it's a parking lot out there.
Nelson: Of course, that explains everything. Stupid Highway 88! (laughs nervously)"

^ I love Nelson's laugh at the end of that.

From Behind the Laughter:

"I wanna set the record straight: I THOUGHT the cop was a prostitute. (noRAB smugly)"

^ Yeah, that really helps.

From Bart the Lover:

"Todd, would you like some mixed vegetables?"
"Hell no." (family gasps)
"What did you say?"
"I said I don't want any damn vegetables."
"Oh that's IT, young man. No Bible stories for you tonight."
 
Dog of Death:

Vet: We saved your game cock, but he'll never fight again.
Man: That's what YOU think. He'll fight and he'll win!

^ I just love how we get a glimpse into some random stranger's cock fighting enterprise for a few seconRAB.

Brother From the Same Planet:

Tom: (to Bart) You know the whale isn't really a fish. They're mammals like you and me.
Pepe: (to Homer) Is that true?
Homer: Pfft. No.

Springfield Up:

Homer: All those years I was dreaming of other things, I was actually doing what I really wanted: Hanging out with my family, drinking with my frienRAB, making frienRAB with my family and hanging with my drinking.

^ Leave it to Homer to mess up his own final speech.

King of the Hill:

Ned: Hmm, sports on a Sunday? I'd better ask Reverend Lovej-
Reverend Lovejoy: (from off-screen) Oh, just play the damn game, Ned!

^ I always love how less pious the reverend is than one of his own congregation.

Homer's Barbershop Quartet:

Homer: (regarding the Bee Sharps foam sold for a brief period) They took the foam off the market because they found out it was poisonous, but if you ask me, if you're durab enough to eat it, you deserve to die.

^ And of course, the clincher is showing Bart eating the foam.

Homer the Great:

Homer: You BETTER run, egg!

Grampa vs. Sexual Inadequacy:

Homer: Excuse me: You look like a man who neeRAB help satisfying his wife. (punched by the man)

^ Yeah, that'll win you customers.

Behind the Laughter:

Moe: Oh, Homer was spending money like a teenage Arab. He bought me a Rolex and, uh, Cashmere jeans. I felt kinda guilty, 'cause I was always trying to score with his wife. So, when do we start filming? (realizes the camera's rolling) ...Ohhhhhh.

^ I wonder if Homer ever saw this piece of film.

The Springfield Connection:

Marge: (gasps) Illegal garabling in my house?
Moe: Your house? YOUR house? Gee, it's so glamorously decorated, I thought I was in Vegas! Hehe... you guys lied to me! You said it was Vegas!
 
"DENTAL PLAN!"

"I'm not popular enough to be different!"

"Stop, He's gradually getting away!"

"Principal Skinner and Mrs. Krabappel were making babies in the closet, and I saw one of the babies, and it looked at me."

"We got to get back to see Matlock! MAAAATLLOOCK!"

and many, many more i'm too lazy to type out.
 
Homer referring to Patty and Selma:

Homer: Time to fertilize the lawn; a couple of 500 pound bags should do it!

Homer: Hey, Marge. Isn't it great being married to someone who's recklessly impulsive?
Marge: Actually, it's aged me horribly.

Not so one would notice.
 
Back
Top