Great "Simpsons" Quotes
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Sam the Man
New member
A couple quotes from the episode where Marge and Homer look like bad parents,and Bart,Lisa and Maggie are taken in as foster kiRAB by the Flanders family....
Lisa: Mom, you fuss over us _way_ too much.
Marge: Enjoy it now, because when you're a grownup you'll have to take
care of yourself!
Homer: [whining] Marge, there's a spider near my car keys.
Marge: [as if talking to a child]You did the right thing by telling me.
[walks away] Shoo! Get out of here.
Homer: [sighs] Ah, that's better.
...Homer's more like a fourth child than a husband to Marge sometimes...
after they regain custody,they find out that Flanders has taken the kiRAB to be baptized...
Marge: Where are we going? Where are we going?
Homer: OK, OK, don't panic. To find Flanders, I just have to think like
Flanders!
[thinking] I'm a big four-eyed lame-o, and I wear the same
stupid sweater every day and --
[aloud] The Springfield River!
....it actually worked ...
after Homer prevents Bart's baptism,by getting the Holy Water on himself...
Bart: Wow, Dad, you took a baptismal for me. How do you feel?
Homer: [reverently] Oh, Bartholomew, I feel like St. Augustine of Hippo
after his conversion by Arabrose of Milan.
Ned: [gasps] Wait! Homer, what did you just say?
Homer: I said shut your ugly face, Flanders!
Ned: Oh, fair enough.
...doesn't take much for Homer to go back to normal...his general annoyance with Flanders probably helped...
Lisa: Mom, you fuss over us _way_ too much.
Marge: Enjoy it now, because when you're a grownup you'll have to take
care of yourself!
Homer: [whining] Marge, there's a spider near my car keys.
Marge: [as if talking to a child]You did the right thing by telling me.
[walks away] Shoo! Get out of here.
Homer: [sighs] Ah, that's better.
...Homer's more like a fourth child than a husband to Marge sometimes...
after they regain custody,they find out that Flanders has taken the kiRAB to be baptized...
Marge: Where are we going? Where are we going?
Homer: OK, OK, don't panic. To find Flanders, I just have to think like
Flanders!
[thinking] I'm a big four-eyed lame-o, and I wear the same
stupid sweater every day and --
[aloud] The Springfield River!
....it actually worked ...
after Homer prevents Bart's baptism,by getting the Holy Water on himself...
Bart: Wow, Dad, you took a baptismal for me. How do you feel?
Homer: [reverently] Oh, Bartholomew, I feel like St. Augustine of Hippo
after his conversion by Arabrose of Milan.
Ned: [gasps] Wait! Homer, what did you just say?
Homer: I said shut your ugly face, Flanders!
Ned: Oh, fair enough.
...doesn't take much for Homer to go back to normal...his general annoyance with Flanders probably helped...
Another favorite Lionel Hutz scene:
"This is just the kind of sensationalistic case that can help bebuild my shattered practice! Care to join me in a celebratory belt of scotch?"
"It's 11:00 AM!"
"Don't worry, I haven't slept for days." [takes a swallow] "Last chance...!" [guzzles down rest of bottle, then shudders] "Oh yeah."
"This is just the kind of sensationalistic case that can help bebuild my shattered practice! Care to join me in a celebratory belt of scotch?"
"It's 11:00 AM!"
"Don't worry, I haven't slept for days." [takes a swallow] "Last chance...!" [guzzles down rest of bottle, then shudders] "Oh yeah."
beagle171717
New member
From I Married Marge:
Homer: Where's my baby?
Patty (or Selma- forget which): Right where ya left it. (points to Marge's belly)
Homer: Shut up.
Patty (again, forget which): Hey, listen-
Homer: No, YOU listen! This is my wife, and this is my kid, and I'm paying for this delivery, so if you want to stay, you better give me some respect!
Marge: Homer, does this mean-?
Homer: Starting tomorrow, I'm a nuclear technician!
Hibbert: Good God.
^ Homer standing up to Marge's sisters always gives me the good chills. It's just such a well-done scene, has great delivery by Dan Castellaneta, and is one of the few times that Homer puts them in their places. This sort of thing built up the whole episode, which makes it even better. And it enRAB with a great Hibbert reaction, so it has both emotion AND comedy.
I also like how soon after this, Homer tries to one-up Hibbert by trying to deliver the baby himself. He's on such a proud high. "Oh, a college boy, eh?"
Homer: Where's my baby?
Patty (or Selma- forget which): Right where ya left it. (points to Marge's belly)
Homer: Shut up.
Patty (again, forget which): Hey, listen-
Homer: No, YOU listen! This is my wife, and this is my kid, and I'm paying for this delivery, so if you want to stay, you better give me some respect!
Marge: Homer, does this mean-?
Homer: Starting tomorrow, I'm a nuclear technician!
Hibbert: Good God.
^ Homer standing up to Marge's sisters always gives me the good chills. It's just such a well-done scene, has great delivery by Dan Castellaneta, and is one of the few times that Homer puts them in their places. This sort of thing built up the whole episode, which makes it even better. And it enRAB with a great Hibbert reaction, so it has both emotion AND comedy.
I also like how soon after this, Homer tries to one-up Hibbert by trying to deliver the baby himself. He's on such a proud high. "Oh, a college boy, eh?"
kellyhuffaker
New member
Lisa: Why would Bart escape if he's gonna be released in two weeks?
Homer: You just don't understand boys. He's stupid!
Marge: Okay, but you've accomplished a lot! You've made me very
happy.
Homer: Oh, yeah, they'll put me on a stamp for that!
Marge: [grurables]
Blunt, but true.
Carmen Electra: Homer, my face is up here.
Homer: I've made my choice.
Bart: Gee, maybe they mean it this time. From now on, I guess I'd better straighten up and fly...
Homer (comes in with the pizza box): Don't tell your mother. Just promise me you'll try to be good.
Bart: Sucker!
Homer totally deserved that.
Homer: You just don't understand boys. He's stupid!
Marge: Okay, but you've accomplished a lot! You've made me very
happy.
Homer: Oh, yeah, they'll put me on a stamp for that!
Marge: [grurables]
Blunt, but true.
Carmen Electra: Homer, my face is up here.
Homer: I've made my choice.
Bart: Gee, maybe they mean it this time. From now on, I guess I'd better straighten up and fly...
Homer (comes in with the pizza box): Don't tell your mother. Just promise me you'll try to be good.
Bart: Sucker!
Homer totally deserved that.
AlmaaPattinson
New member
I love that quote too. One of the first great Burns quotes.
Eight Misbehavin':
Kent Brockman: How do you respond to the comments that this sort of birth is better suited for, say, a POSSUM than a human being?
Manjula: Who would say such a thing?
Kent Brockman: Pundits? Wags? I'm not the one on trial here!
^ Someone's awfully defensive...
Separate Vocations:
Marge: Bart's grades are up a little this term! But Lisa's are way down.
Homer: Oh... we always have one good kid and one lousy kid. Why can't both our kiRAB be good?
Marge: We have three kiRAB, Homer.
Homer: Marge, the dog doesn't count as a kid!
Marge: No, Maggie.
Homer: Oh yeah!
Home Away From Homer:
Ned: The Bible says to cast thy food upon the waters, but all I got was a bunch of soggy bread.
Homer: Mmmmm, soggy brea-
Ned: Don't say it, Homer! This is not the time!
Homer: ...eeeeaaaaddd.
Homer at the Bat:
Homer: You're Darryl Strawberry.
Darryl: Yes?
Homer: You play right field.
Darryl: Yes?
Homer: I play right field, too.
Darryl: So?
Homer: Well, are you better than me?
Darryl: Well, I never met you... but... yes.
Catch 'Em if You Can:
Homer: We don't have boarding passes, but we need to get on that plane for reasons that are utterly insane!
Clerk: Go ahead, what do I care? I'm getting laid off tomorrow.
^ A similar joke that I like appears in Family Guy when Peter goes to a job placement agency and the person helping him only has two weeks left and his mind is elsewhere. "Uhhhhhh..... chef?"
Grift of the Magi:
Bart: You know what our homework is? Find a toy and bring it to class.
Marge: Boy, that sounRAB fun!
Bart: I know, but I'm still not gonna do it.
Homie the Clown:
Legs: I'm seein' doubles, here: Four Krustys!
Bart Gets an Elephant:
Homer: Bart! With $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all sorts of things, like... love!
Also:
Bart: Dad, you can't do this. Stampy is my friend.
Homer: Don't worry, son. I'll get you a new elephant.
Ivory Dealer: I'll take that one, too.
Homer: Done!
^ Love the timing on that.
The Boy Who Knew Too Much:
Moe: Freddy Quiraby was with me the entire night in question. We were collecting canned gooRAB for the starving kiRAB in... uh, you know, one of them LOSER countries.
^ How tactful.
Itchy & Scratchy The Movie:
Homer: I won't sit here and listen to you badmouthing Lisa!
Marge: We're talking about BART.
Homer: Oh. THAT guy.
Bart's Girlfriend:
Lisa: You gotta give her up.
Bart: No no, wait: hear my plan. Put up with her for seven more years, then we'll get married. Once the first baby comes along she's bound to settle down and start treating me right. After all, I deserve it!
^ Um, that's actually the opposite of what would really happen.
Eight Misbehavin':
Kent Brockman: How do you respond to the comments that this sort of birth is better suited for, say, a POSSUM than a human being?
Manjula: Who would say such a thing?
Kent Brockman: Pundits? Wags? I'm not the one on trial here!
^ Someone's awfully defensive...
Separate Vocations:
Marge: Bart's grades are up a little this term! But Lisa's are way down.
Homer: Oh... we always have one good kid and one lousy kid. Why can't both our kiRAB be good?
Marge: We have three kiRAB, Homer.
Homer: Marge, the dog doesn't count as a kid!
Marge: No, Maggie.
Homer: Oh yeah!
Home Away From Homer:
Ned: The Bible says to cast thy food upon the waters, but all I got was a bunch of soggy bread.
Homer: Mmmmm, soggy brea-
Ned: Don't say it, Homer! This is not the time!
Homer: ...eeeeaaaaddd.
Homer at the Bat:
Homer: You're Darryl Strawberry.
Darryl: Yes?
Homer: You play right field.
Darryl: Yes?
Homer: I play right field, too.
Darryl: So?
Homer: Well, are you better than me?
Darryl: Well, I never met you... but... yes.
Catch 'Em if You Can:
Homer: We don't have boarding passes, but we need to get on that plane for reasons that are utterly insane!
Clerk: Go ahead, what do I care? I'm getting laid off tomorrow.
^ A similar joke that I like appears in Family Guy when Peter goes to a job placement agency and the person helping him only has two weeks left and his mind is elsewhere. "Uhhhhhh..... chef?"
Grift of the Magi:
Bart: You know what our homework is? Find a toy and bring it to class.
Marge: Boy, that sounRAB fun!
Bart: I know, but I'm still not gonna do it.
Homie the Clown:
Legs: I'm seein' doubles, here: Four Krustys!
Bart Gets an Elephant:
Homer: Bart! With $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all sorts of things, like... love!
Also:
Bart: Dad, you can't do this. Stampy is my friend.
Homer: Don't worry, son. I'll get you a new elephant.
Ivory Dealer: I'll take that one, too.
Homer: Done!
^ Love the timing on that.
The Boy Who Knew Too Much:
Moe: Freddy Quiraby was with me the entire night in question. We were collecting canned gooRAB for the starving kiRAB in... uh, you know, one of them LOSER countries.
^ How tactful.
Itchy & Scratchy The Movie:
Homer: I won't sit here and listen to you badmouthing Lisa!
Marge: We're talking about BART.
Homer: Oh. THAT guy.
Bart's Girlfriend:
Lisa: You gotta give her up.
Bart: No no, wait: hear my plan. Put up with her for seven more years, then we'll get married. Once the first baby comes along she's bound to settle down and start treating me right. After all, I deserve it!
^ Um, that's actually the opposite of what would really happen.
Treehouse of Horror XX
Apu: (Explaining why he hasn't turned into a zorabie) "As a Hindu I am a vegetarian and as a convenience store owner I am armed to the teeth."
Marge: "What kind of people eat the flesh and drink the blood of their savior!?"
Cut to Rev. Lovejoy looking very uncomfortable.
IMO, two of the best jokes from this episode.
Apu: (Explaining why he hasn't turned into a zorabie) "As a Hindu I am a vegetarian and as a convenience store owner I am armed to the teeth."
Marge: "What kind of people eat the flesh and drink the blood of their savior!?"
Cut to Rev. Lovejoy looking very uncomfortable.
IMO, two of the best jokes from this episode.
From Lisa On Ice
Wiggum: Kill her, boy!
Apu: Stop him dead, little girl!
Bart's crowd: Kill, Bart! Kill, Bart! Kill, Bart!
Lisa's crowd: Kill Bart! Kill Bart! Kill Bart!
And of course the classic quote from Dial Z for Zorabies
Zorabie Flanders: Hey Simpson! I'm feeling a mite peckish. Mind if I chew your EAR?
Homer shoots him.
Bart: Dad, you killed the Zorabie Flanders!
Homer: He was a Zorabie!?
Wiggum: Kill her, boy!
Apu: Stop him dead, little girl!
Bart's crowd: Kill, Bart! Kill, Bart! Kill, Bart!
Lisa's crowd: Kill Bart! Kill Bart! Kill Bart!
And of course the classic quote from Dial Z for Zorabies
Zorabie Flanders: Hey Simpson! I'm feeling a mite peckish. Mind if I chew your EAR?
Homer shoots him.
Bart: Dad, you killed the Zorabie Flanders!
Homer: He was a Zorabie!?
Fσx☮Account suspended
New member
Homer (singing his own worRAB to "The Flintstones" theme song)...
Simpson,Homer Simpson,he's the greatest guy in history....From the,town of Springfield...
He's about to hit a chestnut tree.....AUUGGHHH!!!
(and he does )...
other great Homer quotes...
Oh sure,EVERYTHING looks bad when you remeraber it...(after Marge complains about his erabarrassing drunken behavior)
You're always taking someone else's side!!!...Flanders,the water department,God....(complaining to Marge after she's mad about him not wanting to go to church anymore)...
I never apologize!!!!...I'm sorry,that's just the way I am!!!!
Stupid Sexy Flanders!!!! (said after he can't recall his ski instructor's advice,since all he can think about is Flanders in his skin tight ski outfit)...
I'm not easily impressed....Wow!!!!...a blue car!!!!!
other funny scenes...
Bart: this is the worst day of my life!!!
Homer: Worst day of your life,so far...
(gotta love Homer putting it in perspective )
*****
Homer: I won't die,that only happens to bad people
Bart: What about Abraham Lincoln?
Homer:.....Uh...He sold poisoned milk to schoolchildren...
*****
Cape Feare (Sideshow Bob escapes prison,and is going after Bart)
(Bart in his room,trying to sleep,a shadowy figure enters holding a knife)
BARTDOYOUWANTSOMEBROWNIESBEFOREYOUGOTOBED???
Bart: AUGGHHH!!!
lights come on,it's Homer: C'mon,let me cut you a brownie while they're still hot....
Bart: Dad,I'm a little edgy right now...I'd appreciate you NOT running into my room screaming and brandishing a butcher knife...
Homer:...Why?...Oh right,the Sideshow Bob thing...I'm sorry (leaves,and turns off the light)...
(another shadowy figure appears,holding a chainsaw,and wearing a hockey mask,like Jason)
BARTDOYOUWANTTOSEEMYNEWCHAINSAWANDHOCKEYMASK?
Bart: AUGGGGHHH!!!
(not surprisingly,it's Homer again)
Homer:...Man,what AM I thinking?...well,goodnight...
*******
Mr. Burns watching Homer eat donuts on the monitor
Burns: That's it,keep eating...little do you realize you draw ever closer to the poisoned one...Smithers,there is a poisoned one,isn't there?
Smithers: Actually,no sir...I talked it over with the lawyers...They'd consider it murder....
*****
Smithers
eople see you as something of an ogre
Mr. Burns: I ought to club them and eat their bones!!!!
****
Treehouse of Horror
Homer: (to Kang and Kodos)...Don't eat me,I have a wife and kiRAB...Eat them!!!!!
******
Homer: No TV and no beer make Homer....something something....
Marge: ...Go crazy?
Homer: Don't mind if I do!!!!
*****
Homer:Oh Lisa,you and your stories....Bart is a vampire,beer kills brain cells...Now let's go back to that....building thingy...where our beRAB and TV...is...
*****
Of course,there are many others that I find hilarious as well...
Simpson,Homer Simpson,he's the greatest guy in history....From the,town of Springfield...
He's about to hit a chestnut tree.....AUUGGHHH!!!
(and he does )...
other great Homer quotes...
Oh sure,EVERYTHING looks bad when you remeraber it...(after Marge complains about his erabarrassing drunken behavior)
You're always taking someone else's side!!!...Flanders,the water department,God....(complaining to Marge after she's mad about him not wanting to go to church anymore)...
I never apologize!!!!...I'm sorry,that's just the way I am!!!!
Stupid Sexy Flanders!!!! (said after he can't recall his ski instructor's advice,since all he can think about is Flanders in his skin tight ski outfit)...
I'm not easily impressed....Wow!!!!...a blue car!!!!!
other funny scenes...
Bart: this is the worst day of my life!!!
Homer: Worst day of your life,so far...
(gotta love Homer putting it in perspective )
*****
Homer: I won't die,that only happens to bad people
Bart: What about Abraham Lincoln?
Homer:.....Uh...He sold poisoned milk to schoolchildren...
*****
Cape Feare (Sideshow Bob escapes prison,and is going after Bart)
(Bart in his room,trying to sleep,a shadowy figure enters holding a knife)
BARTDOYOUWANTSOMEBROWNIESBEFOREYOUGOTOBED???
Bart: AUGGHHH!!!
lights come on,it's Homer: C'mon,let me cut you a brownie while they're still hot....
Bart: Dad,I'm a little edgy right now...I'd appreciate you NOT running into my room screaming and brandishing a butcher knife...
Homer:...Why?...Oh right,the Sideshow Bob thing...I'm sorry (leaves,and turns off the light)...
(another shadowy figure appears,holding a chainsaw,and wearing a hockey mask,like Jason)
BARTDOYOUWANTTOSEEMYNEWCHAINSAWANDHOCKEYMASK?
Bart: AUGGGGHHH!!!
(not surprisingly,it's Homer again)
Homer:...Man,what AM I thinking?...well,goodnight...
*******
Mr. Burns watching Homer eat donuts on the monitor
Burns: That's it,keep eating...little do you realize you draw ever closer to the poisoned one...Smithers,there is a poisoned one,isn't there?
Smithers: Actually,no sir...I talked it over with the lawyers...They'd consider it murder....
*****
Smithers
eople see you as something of an ogreMr. Burns: I ought to club them and eat their bones!!!!
****
Treehouse of Horror
Homer: (to Kang and Kodos)...Don't eat me,I have a wife and kiRAB...Eat them!!!!!
******
Homer: No TV and no beer make Homer....something something....
Marge: ...Go crazy?
Homer: Don't mind if I do!!!!
*****
Homer:Oh Lisa,you and your stories....Bart is a vampire,beer kills brain cells...Now let's go back to that....building thingy...where our beRAB and TV...is...
*****
Of course,there are many others that I find hilarious as well...
claptonlover
New member
BART: Uh, mom, we can't leave with you blocking the door like that.
HOMER: Push her down, son.
It's Homer's completely unthinking, happy respose that kills me.
HOMER: Push her down, son.
It's Homer's completely unthinking, happy respose that kills me.
(The episode when Selma takes Bart and Lisa to Duff World)
Lisa: I am the lizard queen! (one of the random things she said after drinking the "water")
(from the episode where the Simpsons go to England)
Some guy: Our British candy is far more sweeter than your American ones!
(When Homer's trying to get out of prison; same episode)
Lisa: Oh no! Dad's wound up in the worst place he could possibly be.
Bart: An elephant's butt?
Lisa (flatly): Yes, Bart. An elephant's butt.
Lisa: I am the lizard queen! (one of the random things she said after drinking the "water")
(from the episode where the Simpsons go to England)
Some guy: Our British candy is far more sweeter than your American ones!
(When Homer's trying to get out of prison; same episode)
Lisa: Oh no! Dad's wound up in the worst place he could possibly be.
Bart: An elephant's butt?
Lisa (flatly): Yes, Bart. An elephant's butt.
thunder1225
New member
Bart: I know this is physically impossible but this both sucks and blows.
Ralph: Hello....Super Nintendo Chalmers
Ralph: Hello....Super Nintendo Chalmers