Great "Simpsons" Quotes

How I Spent My Strummer Vacation

Lisa: Have you always resented us?
Homer: Oh I don't resent you, sweetie. What I meant to say, and maybe I didn't use the right worRAB, is: Marriage is like a coffin, and each kid is another nail. But as coffins go...
Lisa: Please don't say anymore!

^ Wow, are you bad at analogies.

Co-Dependent's Day

Agnes: What's with all those rapping grannies in the movies? If I ever start rapping, just shoot me in the head.

Funeral For a Fiend

Sideshow Bob: Come on, Wikipedia, load, you unwieldy behemoth!

Treehouse of Horror V

Homer: Can't murder now. Eating.

Also:

(after chopping through a door)
Homer: Daaaaavid Letterman!
Grampa: Hi David, I'm Grampa.
Homer: D'oh!

Raging Abe Simpson

(counting the amount of tugs at the end of Bart's line)
Grampa: 61... 62... 63... oh no! 63! He's out of air! I've sent my only granRABon to a watery gra... 64! He's found the treasure! I'm rich!

^ Probably should've worked out a different system. Also:

Bart: I'm sorry I cost you your fortune, Grampa.
Grampa: Oh, the fortune doesn't matter, boy; the important thing is, you're safe. Now let's get that fortune!

^ Love the complete reversal of thought within two sentences.

Miracle on Evergreen Terrace

Trebek: Aren't we forgetting something, Marge? You were down $5,200.
Marge: But Mr. Trebek-
Trebek: I asked you before the game if you knew the rules and you said you did.

^ Leave it to The Simpsons to portray Alex Trebek as a Mafia-like goon.
 
"How could you? Haven't you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain What's His Name? We live in a society of laws! Why do you think I took you to all those "Police Academy" movies? For fun? Well, I didn't hear anybody laughing - did you? Except at that guy who made sound effects. (makes random sound effects) Where was I? Oh yeah, stay out of my booze."
 
From Trash of the Titans. Homer is putting out the garbage as the garbage truck guys are driving away. Homer starts yelling insults then:

Homer: "Yeah, I'm talking to you! You trash eating stinkbags!"
*truck screeches to a halt*
Homer: "Uh oh."
*truck quickly reverses and stops in front of Homer.*
Garbage Man 1: "What'd you call us?"
Homer: "Uh, I don't know, alot of people were yelling stuff."
Garbage Man 2: "You called us trash-eating stink bags!"
Garbage Man 1: "Didn't you learn anything from Love Day?"
Homer: "That was yesterday, moron!"

Also

Marge: "Homer, that crazy lady who lives in our trash pile attacked me today."
Homer: "That's not the way she tells it."
 
This is from the episode in which we find out the Principal Skinner is not the real Seymour Skinner, but in fact Armin Tamzarian. When the real Skinner (a war vet) comes back to town, Tamzarian is fired and the new Skinner takes over as principal. His first obstacle, getting someone to recite the pledge of allegiance.

Skinner: "... Now take a seat junior, and listen to someone who gave their youth in service of this country... Mrs. 'Crab-apple' the pledge please."
Krabappel: "You haven't dealt with women in a long time have you Sergeant?"
*pause*
Skinner: "Are you asking me out?"
 
Moe: Am I really that ugly?
Carl: Well, it's all relative, Moe. Is Lenny really that durab? Is Barney really that drunk? Is Homer really that lazy, bald and fat?
Moe: Oh, my God, it's worse than I thought! [Moe and all the
bar patrons except Carl literally cry in their beers]
Carl (to the camera): See, this is why I don't talk much.

I know just how he feels.

Wiggum (arresting a guy named Jesse who's dressed as a cow): Alright, COW-boy, I'll see you in MOO-nicipal court.
Lou: Ha! Good one, Chief.
Wiggum: What? What'd I say?
 
Krusty: Comedy isn't funny anymore - instead of time-tested jokes about mother-in-laws and airline food, you got some big-chinned schlub reading typos from the Palookaville Post! Well, here's a headline for you - NOBODY CARES!
Jay Leno: Hey, I washed your hair!

Homer: Heh heh heh, from now on, I'm gonna be just like Krusty and tell it
like it is. Marge, you're getting a little fat around the old thighs!
Bart: Dad!
Homer: You too, Bart!
Marge: Oh, knock it off, Homer, you're the fattest one in the car!
Homer: You didn't have to tell it like it is, Marge!

You can dish it out, but can't take it, huh Homer?
 
(Cape Feare)
"Take him away boys."
"Hey, I'm the chief! Bake him away, toys."
"What d'you say, Chief?"
"Just do what the kid says."

(The episode where Bart played on the pee-wee football team; KOTH cameo)
"We traveled 2000 miles for this?"

(I Am Furious Yellow; the cartoon studio producing Angry Dad loses its stock)
"What's 52 million times zero, and don't tell me it's zero!"---> Bart
 
One of my all-time favorites is from the movie:

*Homer hits himself in the eye with the hammer*
*Bart laughs*
Homer: Why you little-! *strangles Bart* I'll teach you to laugh at something that's funny!
 
This is one of my favorite exchanges in the movie,,,

After Lisa's speech,the town bans dumping in Lake Springfield...

Chief Wiggum: Hey,no dumping in the lake!!!

Fat Tony(obviously carrying a bag with a dead body inside): Fine,I will dump my "yard trimmings" in a car compactor...

Lou:...Chief,I think that was a dead body in there...

Chief Wiggum: I thought that too....until he said "yard trimmings"...You gotta learn to listen,Lou!!!

Gotta love clueless Wiggum...
*******
Also love this line from Bart (who is drunk at the time) after Marge decides to give Homer another chance...

"Congratulations,mom....You just bought another load of crap from the world's fattest fertilizer salesman!!!!"
****
and from the Treehouse of Horror segment where Homer dies after eating broccoli...and comes back as a ghost to see Marge...

Homer: MAAAARRRRGGGE SIIIIMMMPPPSOONNN!!!

Marge: Oh,Homie,I thought I'd never see you again!!!

Homer: YOOOUUU WERE WROOONNNGG MAARRGGEE...DEAD WRRROOONNG!!!

Marge:...Do you really have to talk like that?

Homer:....No,not really...

I just love that Homer thinks he should speak in a "spooky" way now that he's a ghost...
 
After being tossed him into a dumpster and locked inside by the school bullies alongside Milhouse.

Homer: I'm still alive! You call that playing to win?
 
More "modern" quotes.

Kill Gil Vol. I & II

Homer: Why did you let that loser into our home?
Marge: I'll tell you why: Christian charity.
Homer: Christian Charity? What does a porn star have to do with this?!

^ Nice going, Homer. Now Marge is going to ask you why you know the names of porn stars.

Crook and Ladder

Homer: Homer is like 80% of America: Whacked out on prescription drugs.
Rod: But users are losers!
Homer: You're confusing "drugs" with (in evil voice) "druuuuuuuuuuugs!".

Rome-old and Juli-eh

(after Homer is assigned a financial auditor)
Homer: Permission to moan?
Judge Harm: I'll allow it.
Homer: Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

Homerazzi

Homer: How do you like your comeuppance? 8X10, or WALLET size?

^ Not "It's just been revoked", but for an action hero line, it'll do.

Eternal Moonshine of the Simpson Mind

Moe: I got just the drink to wipe your mind clean: the "Forget-Me-Shot." Fellas, if you got anything you want to say to Homer that he'll never remeraber, say it now.
Lenny: Blue pants make you look fat.
Carl: I've never learned your kiRAB' names.
Lenny: Your yard is unkempt.
Carl: It is obvious you're bald.
Lenny: Your thighs make noise.
Carl: I find your small hanRAB attractive.
Moe: I've spit in every drink I ever served you.

Also:

(Homer has put the pieces together on why he woke up to an empty house)
Homer: The only thing that still doesn't make sense is why the dog attacked me.
Bart: Because you never feed him, walk him, or let him out to pee.
Homer: (fondly) Oh yeah. (to Santa's Little Helper, in dog voice) Who's an angry dog? Who's an angry dog?

^ I love how Homer doesn't even realize that's why SLH would hate him until Bart informs him.

Homer Simpson, This is Your Wife

Verity: Now, Homer, would you care to give your report on CSI: Miami?
Homer: Uh, OK. There's this guy that got killed; I think it was in Miami, so CSI Miami investigatedededed. Then a family said how much they love the Olive Garden. Then I fell asleep. When I woke up, Letterman was talking to Alias.

^ You mean Jennifer Garner?

Million Dollar Abie

(Mel's looking at the new street signs)
Sideshow Mel: Touchdown Avenue? Delightful!
Jirabo: Who ya talking to? Your imaginary girlfriend?
Sideshow Mel: Isn't your mother a well known whore?
Jirabo: (gasps) You win this round, Mel…

^ Mel's comment just comes out of left field. I love it.
 
The late, great Phil Hartman has delivered many great one liners and numerous jokes on the Simpsons, most notably as Lionel Hutz or Troy McClure. In this particular instance, Marge is arrested for stealing a bottle of Colonel Kwik-E-Mart's Kentucky Bourbon and goes to attorney at law Lionel Hutz to be her representation.

Hutz: "Now don't you worry Mrs. Simpson, I- Uh-oh. We've drawn Judge Snyder."
Marge: "Is that bad?"
Hutz: "Well, he's had it in for me ever since I kinda ran over his dog."
Marge: "You did?"
Hutz: "Well, replace the word 'kinda' with the word 'repeatedly,' and the word 'dog' with 'son.'
Marge: *groans*
 
It's been a while, but other faves:

Homer Loves Flanders:

Homer: Can't talk. Seeing Flanders. Later, sex.

Eeny Teeny Maya Moe:

Moe: What if it blows up in my face?
Carl: Well with THAT face, who cares?

Like Father, Like Clown:

(after Krusty's story about his father)
Homer: Boy, you don't have to follow in my footsteps.
Bart: Don't worry, I don't even like using the bathroom after you.
Homer: Why you little! (chokes Bart)

Also, Krusty trying to read Bart's letter cracks me up: "D....deeee.... DEAR.... Krust.... Y?"

The Wettest Stories Ever Told:

Homer: Stupid Flandish.

Brush With Greatness:

Burns: Why, my good man, you're the fattest thing I've ever seen, and I've been on safari.

^ Ironically, 239 isn't that heavy compared to how obese some people are in this country nowadays...

New KiRAB on the Blecch:

Homer: We're not signing ANYTHING... unless it's a contract.

^ Clearly, Homer is on a different wavelength.

The Great Money Caper:

Lawyer: Will you tell the court your whereabouts at the time of the carjacking?
Willie: I was alone in me Unaboraber-style shack; I had nothing to do with that carjacking.
Lawyer: Carjacking?! Who said anything about a carjacking? (audience murmurs in disapproval)
Willie: But, didn't you just say--?
Lawyer: I'll ask the questions here, Carjacker Willie!

Children of a Lesser Clod:

Arnie: I'm sick of being the reporter, I want to make the news!
Kent: Arnie, this is not the time-
Arnie: You're not the time, Kent, you're not the time!

Homer at the Bat:

Mike Scioscia: Can't... lift... arm... or... speak... at... normal... rate...
Dr. Hibbert: I'm afraid you have acute radiation poisoning.
Mike Scioscia: Will... I still... be able... to play... softball... tomorrow?
Dr. Hibbert: (laughs) No, by tomorrow, you'll barely be able to breathe.
Mike Scioscia: Awww.... man....

^ I love how upbeat Hibbert is in saying that Mike will be clinging for dear life.

Lisa the Vegetarian:

Homer: Wait a minute wait a minute wait a minute. Lisa honey, are you saying you're never going to eat any animal again? What about bacon?
Lisa: No.
Homer: Ham?
Lisa: No.
Homer: Pork chops?
Lisa: Dad! Those all come from the same animal!
Homer: (laughs) Yeah, right Lisa. A wonderful, magical animal.

^ Yes, called a pig.

Sideshow Bob's Last Gleaming:

Homer: Pfft. That Sideshow Mel think's he's so big. Whatever happened to Sideshow Bob?
Lisa: Don't you remeraber Dad? He framed Krusty, he tried to kill Aunt Selma, he rigged an election.
Bart: And he tried to murder me!
Homer: Oh yeah. (fondly) But what I'll mainly remeraber is the laughter.

Durabbell Indemnity:

Renee: Cheer up. Here, have a flower.
Moe: (Taking flower) Alright, come on, what's the catch? A gorgeous woman don't just hand ya a free daffy-dil.
Renee: Really? You think I'm gorgeous?
Moe: Yeah, well, the part that's showing. I guess you could have a load of weird scars or a fake ass or something.
Renee: You don't talk to a lot of women, do you?
Moe: Well, n-no, well, no, not a lot. Well, gee, I'm sorry, I used to box. My brain's... well, it's kind of in and out.
Renee: Oh, that's awful! And look at your little ears!
Moe: Yeah, that's extensive cauliflowering.
Renee: Well, your bow-tie is just darling.
Moe: Haha, well thanks... yeah, it kinda draws the eye away from the ol' mug.
Renee: I like a face with character.
Homer: Let's get outta here, Moe. This is going nowhere.

^ I love Homer's line at the end of this. He's so clueless. Moe's scars and fake ass bit is pretty funny, too.

Homer the Vigilante:

Kent: Mr. Simpson, how do you respond to the charges that petty vandalism such as graffiti is down 80%, while heavy sack-beatings are up a shocking 900%?
Homer: Aw, people can come up with statistics to prove anything, Kent. 40% of all people know that.
Kent: I see. Well, what do you say to the accusation that your group has been causing more crimes than it's been preventing?
Homer: Oh, Kent, I'd be lying if I said my men weren't committing crimes!
Kent: (beat) Hmm, touche.
 
A great exchange, but my favorite James WooRAB line by far has to be this one:

"Tony, you're my agent, you have to do somethin' about this...How can it be the same movie if they've changed my character from a convenience store clerk to a jittery Eskimo firefighter?...Uh huh...Uh huh...Mm-hm...Wow, actually, that's a pretty good explanation. Now, this is gross, right, this'll be gross points in this new-- Okay, yeah, 'cause there's m--yeah, okay, great. Okay, book me a flight, rent me an igloo, and tell those dorks at the Kwik-E-Mart that boom, I'm outta here, I'm a dot, I'm gone, okay? ...Whattya mean I gotta give two weeks' notice?...Oh, you frickin' no good mother*bleep bleep bleep bleep* CHEESE!...No, not you, I'm just talkin' to my oven."
 
From Bart's Inner Child:

"Brad: We can all learn a lot from this young man here, this, this...
Bart: Rudiger.
Brad: Rudiger. And if we can all be more like little Rudiger-
Marge: His name is Bart.
Brad: His name isn't important!"

^ Love how Marge gets yelled at for something Bart did wrong. Bart calling himself "Rudiger" is funny and out of left field, too.

From She of Little Faith:

"Well, as long as your in my house, you'll do what I do, and believe what I believe. So butter your bacon." Then later... "Bacon up that sausage, boy."

^ Hilarious screw-you joke where you think he's talking to Lisa. Also, the very notion of putting butter on meat (and MEAT on meat) is ridiculous.

From Blame it on Lisa:

"Boy, did you make a prank call to Brazil?"
"No sir, I didn't."
"CHOKE ON YOUR LIES!!!"

^ Overreact a little more there, Homer.

From Grift of the Magi:

"Neagle: I'm sorry, Gary. There's no longer a place for you here.
Gary Coleman: Whatchu talkin' about, Miss Naegle?
Neagle: That is so adorable! You're rehired.
Gary Coleman: Sucker! I knew exactly what she was talkin' about."

From Who Shot Mr. Burns Part 1:

"One last question: have you ever seen the sun set... at 3 PM?"
"Yar, once, while I was sailing 'round the arctic-"
"Shut up, you!"

From Rome-Old and Juli-Eh:

"Hey, Mr. Flanders, what'd you get? Some kind of bible garbage?"

^ I don't know why, but "Bible garbage" always makes me laugh.

From The PTA DisbanRAB:

"All right, you listen up, you little FREAKS. The fun stops here. You're going to shut your stinking traps and behave, dammit! This is one substitute you're not going to SCREW WITH!..... Marge Simpson!"

^ One of the funniest screw-you jokes ever.

From Treehouse of Horror V:

"Oh, relax, kiRAB, I've got a gut feeling Uter is around here somewhere. (chuckles) After all, isn't there a little Uter in all of us? (chuckles) In fact, you might even say we just ate Uter and he's in our stomachs right now! (laughs) Wait... scratch that one."

^ Harry's delivery makes this bit.

From Homer the Great:

"Lenny: It's a secret. (Carl looks at Lenny in the middle of a drink)
Homer: Ssssssshut up!"

^ Third time's a charm.

From $pringfield:

"I propose that I use what's left of the town treasury to move to a more prosperous town and run for mayor. And, er, once elected, I will send for the rest of you."

^ Suuuuuure.

From Deep Space Homer:

"Hello, is this President Clinton? Good! I figured if anyone knew where to get some Tang, it'd be you. (listens) Shut up!"

^ Funny on so many levels. The fact that Homer was somehow able to contact Clinton himself, the fact that "tang" is a double meaning and Homer doesn't realize it, and that he speaks so rudely to a (then) sitting president.

From Sunday, Cruddy Sunday:

"The road to the Super Bowl is long and pointless. I mean, when you think about it."

From The Lastest Gun in the West:

"Milhouse: Would you lasso me a banana?
Buck: Now how the hell would I do that?"

From Marge and Homer Turn a Couple Play:

"Remeraber when we saw Hunch's butt in the shower?"
"That was two seasons ago."

^ Amusing self-satirizing joke about how The Simpsons can't show butts anymore.

Bart Sells His Soul:

"Uhhhh Milhouse, give him back his soul! I've got work tomorrow."

From Homer Goes to College:

"Boy, I can't wait to take some of the starch out of that stuffed shirt."

^ Homer's irrational hatred of the dean is great. And from the same episode...

"Dean: I'm sorry, boys. I've never expelled anyone before, but... that pig had some powerful frienRAB.
Nixon: Oh you'll pay. Don't think you won't pay!"
 
Mr. Burns: Ironic, isn't it, Smithers? This anonymous clan of slack-jawed troglodytes has cost me the election. And yet, if I were to have them killed, I would be the one to go to jail. That's democracy for you.
Smithers: You are noble and poetic in defeat, sir.

"Slack-jawed troglodytes?" Geez, Burns. The Simpsons have been called a lot of things, but...dang.
 
I like this run from Bart's Dog Gets an F:

Woman: Jack, I think the baby might be yours.
Jack: I'm sure it is, but prove it.
Woman: You treat me like garbage.
Jack: Because that's the way you love it, baby. (forcefully kisses her; the woman steps back and removes her dress before they continue)
Lisa: Gee, is it always this good?
Marge: Mmm. I don't know. I just dip in and out. I'm only watching today because Randi is coming out of a coma, and she knows the phony prince's body is hidden in the boat house.

^ Heh. SounRAB like Marge watches the show a LOT.

Then later in the program...

Woman: Father McGrath! I thought you were dead!
Father: I -was-!
 
not sure if anyone has done it yet, but one of my favorite from homer the heretic.

reverend lovejoy ".... be they christian, jew, or..miscellaneous."
apu " hindu there are 700 million of us."
lovejoy "aww thats super."

lovejoy's delivery is so good there it cracks me up all the time.
 
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