Great "Simpsons" Quotes

Lisa The Tree Hugger

Homer: (reading the paper) Sheesh! Look at these refugees. How 'bout a smile?
Marge: They've undergone terrible harRABhips!
Homer: Well, moping won't make it better.

Homer: Oh, no! Lisa's gone! And nothing will bring her back! (Stroking his chin) Unless...
Lisa: Dad, I'm not dead!
Homer: Oh, praise God! You're alive! (Stroking his chin again) Unless...
 
Even one of the clipshows ("The Simpsons 138th Episode Spectacular") had some great lines (quotes from SNPP)...

"Troy: Professor Lawrence Pierce of the University of Chicago writes, 'I think Homer gets stupider every year.' That's not a question, Professor, but we'll let the viewers judge for themselves."

"Troy: Dr. Linus Irving of the Sloan-Ketterling Memorial Institute writes, "How does Matt Groening find the time to write and draw an entire`Simpsons' episode every week?" For the answer to this, we went straight to the source.
Matt: Get out of my office!"

"Announcer: Which popular 'Simpsons' characters have died in the past year? If you said Bleeding Gums Murphy and Dr. Marvin Monroe, you are wrong: they were never popular."

"Troy: Yes, the Simpsons have come a long way since an old drunk made humans out of his rabbit characters to pay off his garabling debts. Who knows what adventures they'll have between now and the time the show becomes unprofitable. I'm Troy McClure, and I'll leave you with what we all came here to see: hardcore nudity!"
 
One from my favorite episode King Size Homer, after the ice cream truck flips over one of the guys crawls over to still see the flavors.

"Aww, I can't decide without the pictures."
 
From Round Springfield:

Homer: Man these are Premo seats. I could really go for a hot dog.
Marge: HOMER! This is an operation.
Hot Dog Vendor: Hot dogs! Get your hot dogs here.
Homer: WOOHOO!

Not sure why, but I find humor in Homer wanting a hot dog while watching his son get an operation.

Bleeding Gums Murphy: What are you here for?
Lisa: My brother just had his appendix out.
Bleeding Gums Murphy: Is he gonna be OK?
Bart: Hi, I'm Dr. Cheeks. I'm doing my rounRAB and I'm a little behind
Lisa: He'll be fine.

Just love Lisa delivery of that line, along with Bart having a drawing on his butt.

Homer: And I won't rest until I gotten a hot dog.
Marge: Homer, this is a cemetery.
Hot Dog Vendor: Hot Dogs! Get your hot dogs here.
Homer: WOOHOO!
Marge: What do you do? Follow my husband around.
Hot Dog Vendor: Lady, he's putting my kiRAB through college.

I just love how it's a follow up joke, and that Homer has a stalker.
 
Homer has driven Moe's car into the ocean while trying to commit insurance fraud but fails and get thrown in jail. Homer's in his cell when Police Chief Wiggum comes along.

Wiggum: "Get up Simpson. You're going to the chair."
Homer: *gasps*
Wiggum: The interrogation chair.
Homer: *whew*
Wiggum: "Plug it in boys!"
Homer: *gasps*
 
It's basically a reference to how Joe Piscopo was on Saturday Night Live during its dark period (the scene in question was a parody, "Tuesday Night Live"). Bart wishing for Joe Piscopo to come back, who did OK on the show (especially considering the time) but was by no means a SNL comedy legend, means he thinks Piscopo is amazingly funny compared to Krusty.
 
Well, to be fair, there can be hilarious lines in episodes that one would otherwise consider of poor quality. Additionally, not everyone hates every single episode after what they feel was the decline.

Anyways, some more:

From Homie the Clown:

"Aw, being a clown sucks. You get kicked by kiRAB, bit by dogs, and admired by the elderly. Who am I clowning? I have no business being a clown! I've leaving the clowning business to all the other clowns in the clowning business."

^ Try saying "clown" a few more times, Homer.

From Radioactive Man:

"Students, I have an announcement. One of your favorite comic book heroes, Radio Man-"
"Radioactive Man, stupid!"
"Strange, I shouldn't have been able to hear that."

^ Great self-referential gag.

From I'm Spelling As Fast As I Can:

"Paris is no more. That's right, the legendary City of Lights has been extinguished forever, as a massive-" (Marge shuts off TV)

^ Poor Paris. Nobody in the Simpson household cares about it.

From Faith Off:

"Big game fever is reaching a fever pitch as the fevered rivalry between Springfield U. and Springfield A&M spreaRAB like wildfever. (off-camera) This is writing?!"
"I'm sorry Uncle Kent; I lost my thesaurus."
"Lost your thesaurus... you'll lose more than THAT. (to camera) In preparation for the big game, Springfield Stadium has caught additional seating capacity fever. AARGH!"

From Stop! Or My Dog Will Shoot:

"Children, line up according to height. No, weight. No, the sum total of the letters in your last name if each letter is assigned a numeric value according to its place in the alphabet. Quickly, now!"

^ Couldn't have been more confusing if he tried.

From Who Shot Mr. Burns Part 1:

"Dear Lord! That's the loudest profanity I've ever heard!"

From Bart vs. Lisa vs. The Third Grade:

"Canada's Governor's General: Clowns Love Haircuts, So Should Lee Marvin's Valet."

^ Fun with abbreviations.

From Mountain of Madness:

"Sir, this can't be right. You assured me this drawing was rigged so we'd be teammates."
"Yes, well, frankly, you've been a bit of a pill lately."

From Mr. Plow:

"Oh, you want the Mr. Plow who plows driveways. This is Tony Plow, you know, from "Leave It To Beaver". (listens) Yeah, they were gay."

^ The end of that just comes out of nowhere. I love it. Apparently the writers had to fight for that line to be in the episode. I'm glad they did.

From Homer the Vigilante:

"Well, Mr. Cat Burglar, you'd like to get in here, wouldn't you? There's just one little problem: 36 years ago, some lady gave birth to a man named Homer J. Simp- OH MY GOD- underage kiRAB drinking beer without a permit! (excitedly runs over)"

From Homer Loves Flanders:

"Hey Flanders, over here! I got us some kickass seats!"

^ Such appropriate church talk. And I love how nobody cares because everyone suddenly loves Homer for his charity work.

From Secrets of a Successful Marriage:

"Look, Marge, you don't know what it's like. I'm the one out there every day putting his ass on the line. And I'm not out of order! You're out of order. The whole freaking system is out of order. You want the truth? You want the truth?! You can't handle the truth! 'Cause when you reach over and put your hand into a pile of goo that was your best friend's face, you'll know what to do! Forget it, Marge, it's Chinatown."

From Lisa on Ice:

"We're having our best season ever. And I would like to say that it is because of teamwork... who am I kidding, huh? It's all because of Lisa."

^ Something you'll never hear from a coach. Well, maybe you would- what do I know?

From Summer of 4 Ft. 2:

"Hmm, I bet this place sells illegal fireworks ... just act casual, like you buy them all the time. (to clerk, loudly) Hi... ummm... let me have some of those porno magazines... large box of condoms... a couple of those panty shielRAB (quickly) and some illegal fireworks (normal) and one of those disposable enemas. Ehhh... make it two."

^ Brilliantly read by Dan. And a good twist on a relatable premise.

From My Sister, My Sitter:

"Citizens of Springfield, I officially declare this... WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?!"

^ Way to overreact, Quiraby.

From Make Room For Lisa:

"Hey, you're mad at me. That wasn't your mayonnaise, was it?"

^ So random.
 
Some more of my favorites, many of which aren't often mentioned:

From Grade School Confidential:

"Maude: Excuse me, I don't think we're talking about love here. We're talking about S-E-X. In front of the C-H-I-L-D-R-E-N!"
Krusty: Sex cauldron?! I thought they closed that place down!"

From The Twisted World of Marge Simpson:

"Girables is gone, Marge. Loooooong gone. You're Girables."

From Homer's Triple Bypass:

"Don't worry, Marge. America's health care system is second only to Japan, Canada, Sweden, Great Britain, well, all of Europe, but you can thank your lucky stars we don't live in Paraguay!"

^ How comforting.

From The Great Money Caper:

"Yeah, in the depression, you had to grift ... either that, or work."

From Homie the Clown:

"Heh heh, your... churlish attitude reminRAB me of a time I was having dinner with Groucho and-"
"Look, you're going to be having dinner with Groucho tonight if you don't beat it."

From Bart Gets Famous:

"Bart: You're right, Mom. I shouldn't let this bother me. I'm in television now. It's my job to be repetitive. My job. My job. Repetitiveness is my job. I am going to go out there tonight and give the best performance of my life.
Marge: The best performance of your life?
Bart: The best performance of my life!"

From Homer and Apu:

"James WooRAB: 75, 85, 90, and a dollar. Thank you, and come again. Hey, wait a minute! Hey! Uh... could I just ask you a question? Did you... did you believe that, the way I gave you the change? Did I sound like a real Kwik-E-Mart, you know, kind of guy?
Jirabo: Actually, I thought it was a little labored.
WooRAB: Oh.
Jirabo: You've got to lose yourself in the moment, man!
WooRAB: Yeah, like, yeah, OK, great! OK, let's, let's just try that again, OK? Come on. Hey, come on- hey! Get over here. OK, now you're you, I'm me.
Jirabo: ...I'm me?
WooRAB: (grabs his collar) Hey, don't... jerk me around, fella."

From And Maggie Makes Three:

"Hello, is this A. Aaronson? It might interest to you to know that Marge Simpson is pregnant again. (later) Just thought you'd like to know, Mr. Zykowski. (hangs up, sighs) There. Aaronson and Zykowski are the two biggest gossips in town. In an hour, everyone will know."

^ One of the funniest screw-you jokes ever.

From Bart vs. Australia:

"When will you Australians learn? In America we stopped using corporal punishment, and things have never been better! The streets are safe. Old people strut confidently through the darkest alleys. And the weak and nerdy are admired for their computer-programming abilities. So, like us, let your children run wild and free, because, as the old saying goes, "Let your children run wild and free."

From The Cartridge Family:

"Marge: Does anyone know where all my dinner plates went?"
Homer: You probably left them at work."

From Bart vs. Lisa vs. The Third Grade:

"It's finally happened, Bart: You've lost your mind!"

From Take my Wife, Sleaze:

"Homer: Remeraber to rebel against authority, kiRAB!
Skinner: (over intercom) Don't listen to him, children!
Milhouse: But... we already did. Now I can't get it out of my head! (Milhouse is smacked by Nelson)
Edna: Thank you, Nelson."

^ Milhouse's reading of that line is great.

From A Milhouse Divided:

"Kirk, crackers are a family food. Happy families. Maybe single people eat crackers, we don't know. Frankly, we don't want to know. It's a market we can do without."

From Brother From Another Series:

"Madam, your children are no more... (camera pulls back to reveal he's holding Bart and Lisa) than a pair of ill-bred troublemakers."

^ Again, great twist gag. I also love Homer's line after Bob leaves: "Well I hope Bob fed you, 'cause I ate your dinners."

From Sunday, Cruddy Sunday:

"Me and my Valu-Qual coupon book are gonna paint the town red, with savings! I'll start with a couple of pizzas, then a complimentary tango lesson, and I'll cap it off with a smooth, refreshing colonic."
 
Marge: "Do you think we need counseling?"
Homer: "Who's we? Got a mouse in your purse?"

Did....Homer just OWN Marge?

Lisa: "Without my pearl, I'm just a big Maggie!"

Lisa: Excuse me, boys. My brother is lost, and kind of a jerk. If he’d brought a map of the grounRAB as I suggested, then we would…
Bart: Lisa, do you know why I spend every day after school in detention? So I don’t have to come home to you!
Lisa: Oh, Bart, don’t say things you can’t take back.
Bart: It’s out there. Deal with it!
Lisa: Oh, great. Now you woke the baby.
Bart: I told you we should have left her with your mother!
Lisa: My God, Bart, what happened to us?
Bart: We grew up.

Spoken like a true dysfunctional married couple.

Homer: Hello, son. I wanna apologize. I just got so caught up trying to encourage you I was blinded to your stinky performance. If you forgive me I promise I'll never encourage you again.

Homer sure can make apologies funny.

Nelson: The better man won, Simpson. You can really drive.
Bart: Thanks, Nelson. Put 'er there. Ha-ha, ha-ha-ha! Loser! Na-na, na-na-na!
Marge: You know, there is such a thing as being a bad winner.
Bart: Mom, I never won before. I may never win again. Na-na, na-na-na!
Homer: That's my boy. Na-na, na-na-na!

That's right, Bart. Savor it while it lasts.
 
Bart Star:

Smithers: That's the end of the girl's floor exercise. Now, let's bring on the men!

^ Just the excited way Smithers says that cracks me up.

Marge and Homer Turn a Couple Play:

Marge: Weren't you just tied up in a blimp?
Duffman: Three Duffmen are working the game tonight! But don't tell the kiRAB; it's disillusioning!
Duffman/Duffman 2: (almost simultaneously, as they thrust their pelvises at each other) Duffman! Duffman! Duffman!

^ This is the best Duffman joke ever. What's better than one Duffman? Two Duffmen.

I'm Spelling as Fast as I Can:

George Plimpton: Okay, your word is "whether/weather".
Sun Moon: Um, which one? Could you use it in a sentence?
George Plimpton: Certainly: "I don't know whether the weather will improve."

^ You scurabag.

Lisa's Date With Density:

(after listening to Homer's autodial message)
Mr. Burns: One dollar for eternal happiness. Mmmm... I'd be happier with the dollar.

Marge Be Not Proud:

Homer: I've figured out the boy's punishment. First, he's grounded. No leaving the house, not even for school. Second, no egg nog. In fact, no nog, period. And third, absolutely no stealing for three months.

Sweet Seymour Skinner's Baadasssss Song:

Chalmers: You're fired!
Skinner: I'm sorry, did... did you just call me a liar?!
Chalmers: No, I said you were fired.
Skinner: Oh. That's much worse. (hiccups)

Also:

Skinner: One question remains: How do I get out of the army?
Bart: No problemo. Just make a pass at your commanding officer!
Skinner: Done and done. And I mean done.

The Front:

Secretary: Is this the Abraham Simpson who wrote the Itchy and Scratchy episode?
Grampa: Ishy and what? You must be some kind of crazy person.
Secretary: I'm sorry, but we have a substantial check here for a Mr. Abraham Simpson.
Grampa: That's right! I did the Iggy!

Also:

Roger Meyers: You're so good, I fired the other writers. From now on, the fate of the entire company rests on that delightful coconut of yours.
Grampa: Oh no! We're all doomed! I'm a complete fraud!
Roger Meyers: I'm sorry, I didn't catch any of that. And now I've gotta go.

Lisa the Iconoclast:

Hurlburt: Get out! You're banned from this historical society! You, and your children, and your children's children! (beat) For three months.

^ Yeah, I'm sure Lisa will become a grandmother in the span of three months.

The Wandering Juvie:

Quiraby: Remeraber, if anyone asks: You're my niece from out of town.
Woman: I -am- your niece, Uncle Joe!
Quiraby: Good Lord, I'm an abomination!
 
From the episode Team Homer:
Bart: Mom, my slingshot doesn't fit in these pockets. And these shorts leave nothing to the imagination. These uniforms suck!
Marge: Bart! Where do you pick up worRAB like that?
Homer(talking to Moe on the phone): Yeah Moe, that team sure did suck last night. They just plain sucked! I've seen teams suck before, but they were the suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked.
Marge: Homer! Watch your mouth!
Homer(to Moe): Aw, I got to go, my damn wiener kiRAB are listening. (Hangs up)
Lisa: We are not wieners!
Homer: Then what are you dressed like that for?
Bart and Lisa: They made us!
Homer: Oh, "they made us." That's loser talk! You gotta start acting more like me and my team, the future champions of the world! Nothing's gonna stop us now!
 
I'm just gonna keep going until you surrender.

From A Streetcar Named Marge:

"I am not an easy man to work for. While directing "Hats off to Channukah", I reduced more than one cast meraber to tears. Did I expect too much from fourth-graders?"

^ Love the unexpected twist on that. And to answer your question, probably.

From Homer vs. Dignity:

"Something's wrong. Terribly wrong!"

^ I don't know why, but this cracks me up. Maybe it's because Lisa is stating the blatantly obvious.

From Viva Ned Flanders:
Ned: This may sound just a teensy bit insane in the ol' merabrane, Homer, but I was wondering if you could show me how to have some fun!
Homer: Well well well, so flawless Flanders neeRAB help from stinky-pants Simpson.
Ned: Heh, heh, yeah, I guess I do.
Homer: Welly, welly, welly. Mister Clean wants to hang with dirty Dingus McGee.
Ned: How 'bout it, Homer, will you teach me the secret of your intoxicating lust for life?
Homer: Wellity wellity wellity-
Ned: Stop that! Will you help me or not?
Homer: Let's do it.

^ Love Ned's delivery on "Stop that!"

From Sunday, Cruddy Sunday:

Rudy: Can I come too?
Krusty: Forget it, kid. You're too small to go to the Super Bowl.

^ LOL. What does "too small to go to the Super Bowl" even mean?!

From Homer vs. Patty and Selma:
Selma: Come on, Homer: you can't spell "obsequious" without I-O-U.
Homer: I'll have to trust you on that.

And from the same episode...

"All right, let's not panic: I'll make the money back by selling one of my livers. I can get by with one."

^ You're thinking of kidneys, Homer.

From Bart's Inner Child:

Brad Goodman: Troy, this circle is you.
Troy McClure: My God, it's like you've known me all my life!

From Marge in Chains:
Lionel Hutz: What kind of tie am I wearing?
Apu: You are wearing a red and white club tie in a half-winRABor knot!
Lionel Hutz: Oh I am, am I? (turns around, struggling to get tie off) Is that what you think? Well if that is what you think, I’ve got something to tell you. Something that may shock and discredit you. And that thing is as follows: (turns around) I’m not wearing a tie at all.

^ So ridiculous. First of all, everybody in the court room that he was facing could see him take the tie off. Second, it's funny just how long it takes him, and how he has to pad his speech because of it.

From Itchy & Scratchy: The Movie:

Homer: You're welcome to watch anything you want on TV.
Bart: TV sucks.
Homer: I know you're upset right now, so I'll pretend you didn't say that!

From Whacking Day:

(after Grampa's story about riding out the war posing as a German cabaret singer)

Bart: Is that story true?
Grampa: Well, most of it. I did wear a dress for a period during the '40s. Oh, they had designers then!

From King of the Hill:

(after Grampa's story about falling 8,000 feet below onto jagged rocks)

"Of course, folks were tougher in those days. I was jitterbugging that very night!"

^ Uh-huh.

From The Cartridge Family:

"Watch the fish, Marge."

And from a scene later...

"Did you change the locks when you moved in? Hah, I thought not. All the previous owners of this house could still be in here somewhere."

^ LOL WUT

From Homer the Smithers:

"Get ready for exciting quarter-mile action at the Springfield Dragway. It'll be motorized mayhem mayhem mayhem. (off mic, softly) Do we need all those "mayhems"? We do. All right, fair enough. I suppose you know your business. (into mic) Get ready for fun, fun, fun! (off mic) I... The people are already here, we don't... need to keep hustling them like this, do we? Let go of me... Where are you throwing me?"

From Who Shot Mr. Burns Part 2:

Marge: The police have such a strong case against Homer. Mr. Burns said he did it, they have Homer's DNA-
Lisa: They have Simpson DNA! It could have come from any of us, except you, since you're a Bouvier.
Marge: No no no, when I took your father's name, I took everything that came with it, including DNA.

^ Again, LOL WUT?

From The Old Man and the Lisa:

"I'll keep it short and sweet. Family, religion, frienRABhip. These are the three demons you must slay if you wish to succeed in business. When opportunity knocks, you don't want to be driving to a maternity hospital or sitting in some phony-baloney church. Or synagogue. Questions?"

^ Love how menacingly he says "synagogue".
 
Grandpa Simpson: "I'll remeraber raspberry trolley cars, because my mind is shot."


Grandpa Simpson: (After eating a chocolate bar tainted with laxative) "Whoa! I'm moving like Ginger Rogers!"


Grandpa Simpson: (Talking about the last Deadly Meteor Shower) "Naturally, we blamed it on the Irish. We hanged more than a few."


Krusty: "Chaim Potok? What is he, some kind of Klingon!?"
 
And I love that they have Marge go though the bag of all that stuff a little later in the episode.

"I don't know what you have planned tonight, but count me out."
 
Great "Simpsons" Quotes

(A bird starts pecking at Moe's face.)
Moe: Not the face!
(Bird starts pecking at Moe's crotch.)
Moe: Ooh, okay the face!
(Bird starts pecking at Moe's face.)
Moe: Ooh, ooh. That actually feels good after the crotch.

This is when Dr. Hibbert used a painful-looking device to make Bart sweat off some glued-on novelties:

Bart: "Couldn
 
Should I start posting episode transcripts?


Bart the Murderer:

Homer: How much does it pay?
Bart: Thirty bucks a week!
Homer: Pfft! I make more than that.

^Cool story bro.


Wiggum: Let me refer that question back to Jack Larson, Laramie Tobacco Products. Jack?
Jack: Thank you, Chief. Folks, I'm pleased to announce that a new truckload of Laramie's, with their smoooooth good taste of fresh tobacco flavor is already heading towarRAB Springfield. The driver has been instructed to ignore all stop signs and crosswalks.
*crowd cheers*

^lol.


Marge: I'm not sure about the people Bart's working for. I think they're criminals.
Homer: A job's a job. I mean, take me. If my plant pollutes the water and poisons the town, by your logic, that would make me a criminal.

^I love when Homer randomly sticks up for the plant, even though Burns can't even remeraber his name.



Marge: That pizza delivery truck has been parked across the street for two weeks.
(Cut to a pizza delivery truck equipped with a satellite dish)
*inside the truck, full of surveillance equipment*
Marge's voice: How long does it take to deliver a pizza?
Man 1: Looks like our cover's blown.
Man 2: Let's roll. (the truck speeRAB off)
*back in the house*
Homer: See? It was all your imagination.
*another truck pulls into the spot that was vacated. The sign painted on the side says "Flowers By Irene"*
Marge: Mmmhmm...

^Yes Homer, nothing's wrong.
 
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