Great Family Guy Quotes

No, Cleveland pretty much just said he had no idea what she was talking about. Brian said aforementioned line. He also said:

"If you don't like it, go on the internet and complain."
 
One if by Clam, Two if by Sea

Peter: "Yeah, right. That's what they said about Benjamin Disraeli"

Benjamin Disraeli: "You don't even know who I am!"
 
A Hero Sits Next Door:
Peter: "Holy crip, he's a crapple!"

To Live and Die in Dixie:
Interviewer: "So, where do you see yourself in five years?
Peter(thinking to himself): "Don't say doing your wife, don't say doing your wife."
(Peter glances at a family portrait on the man's desk.)
Peter(out loud): "Doing your... son?"

Brian Sings and Swings:
Peter: "I haven’t been this scared since I was mugged by Gene Shalit."
(Cuts to Gene Shalit pointing a gun at Peter in the alley)
Gene Shalit: "Don’t Panic Room. I’m not going to William Hurt you. I only want your Tango and Cash. So just Pay It Forward, and we’ll all be Happy Gilmore."
Peter: "What?"
 
Dammit Janet

Brian: [eating an apple] Well, well, well. Looks like someone's in love.
Stewie: HA! That's so funny I forgot to laugh...excluding that first "HA."
Brian: Uh-huh. Face it, you're a sucker for a woman with blue eyes.
Stewie: AHA! Her eyes are GREEN!
Brian: AHA! Thank you for proving my point.
Stewie: DAMN!
 
It's the episode where Peter finds out he's an illegal immigrant.

(Peter's wearing one those American flag suits)
Stewie: Wow, you look like the Statue of Liberty's pimp.
(Brian highfives him)
 
Wasted Talent

Lois: Peter, it's 7 in the morning.
Brian: (drunkenly) Thanks for the update, BIG BEN! (laughs)

One if By Clam, Two if By Sea

Lois: Peter, we waited up all night. Where were you?
Peter: Where was I? Where were you?
Lois: Out drinking. But -I- was back by two.

^ Nice unexpected twist.

And the Wiener Is...

Peter: On your mark, get set go! First one to the marker where that Pakistani girl fell through the ice after coming to the States to get treatment for her severely burned face which she got when the man she refused to marry dumped sulfuric acid on her, wins. I win!

^ I love how by the time he finishes describing the hole, he's already at the finish line.

The Cleveland-Loretta Quagmire

Peter: Kick, Joe, kick!
Lois: Peter, he's a paraplegic!
Peter: That doesn't mean he can't hear! Kick, Joe, kick!

Petergeist

Chris: (whispering) Will I ever see my baby brother again?
Bruce: Only if he can find his way into the light, Chris. For some people, it's easier than others. Some people just get lost on the way to the light. They're walking along, they stop and say, "Ooh, is that a new restaurant? That place must've just opened up, 'cause I remember there was another place there a few weeks ago. I went in there once and there was a guy with a harelip eating soup and I was like, 'Ew...'" It wasn't the restaurant's fault, I know. But I still never went back there. I mean, I guess there's only, like, a one in 50 chance of me getting the same spoon that he had, but I still don't like them odds.

^ This is such a silly run. Completely off the subject of Stewie by now.

Brian Sings and Swings

Peter: Bye, Lois, and like I tell you every day: If I come home early and find you having sex with someone, I'll kill you both.

^ LOL. Peter tells this to Lois every day? What a great husband.

Peterotica

Peter: The Naughty Flapper Girl. (looking through a view finder) Aw hot, she's voting!

8 Simple Rules For Buying My Teenage Daughter

(after being shot by his breakfast machine)
Peter: AUGH! What is the point of that? All it does is shoot you! It doesn't make breakfast at all!
 
-in Peter's head-
"Could it mean sexy?"
"I think it's a science term."
"Fellas, fellas! Esoteric means delicious!"
-the real world-
"Lois, "Who's the Boss" is not a food."

A lot of my favorite quotes have been covered here. I love the bit where Peter can shapeshift and he kisses that NSYNC guy and then morphs into Gene Shalit and says "I'm Gene Shalit now, BYE!" The way he says it cracks me up every time.
 
Peter: Well, we are officially lost.

Ricky: ON THE GREAT SPACE COSTER..

Peter: Shut up, Ricky, just shut up right now! Unless the next words out of your mouth are directions how to get back to the fish skeleton, I'm gonna punch you right in the stomach!
 
Personally,I love this exchange from Dog Gone...

(Brian's trying to form a new animal rights group)...

Lois: Maybe you could join PETA...

Peter: Join me for what?

Lois: No,PETA,the organization..

Peter: What organization?

Lois: PETA!

Peter: WHAT?

Lois: PETA is an acronym,Peter...

Peter: No I'm not,I'm Catholic!!

Stewie: Are we really doing this?

Lois: No,Peter,I'm saying if this meeting goes well,Brian could join a PETA rally..

Peter: Someone's having a rally for me now?

Lois: No,for PETA..

Peter: That's me!!..I'm Peter!!

Lois: I'm not talikng about YOU,Peter,I'm talking about PETA!!!

Peter: Somebody better have something to say to me pretty damn soon,or I'm going to have something to say to them!!!

Chris: I think Betty White is in PETA...

Peter: That doesn't even make any sense!!!!

****
I love that Stewie points out it's a lame/easy joke to make (that "PETA" and "Peter" sound the same in Lois and Peter's accent),Peter's rising frustration when he can't understand what's going on,and that he thinks "acronym" is a religion...
 
"Road to Rhode Island"

Brian and Stewie are in the back of a pickup truck with Mexican immigrants.

Brian: Uh...Hola. Me llamo es Brian.
Immigrant: That's pretty good, but you didn't need the 'es'. You could've just said 'Me llamo Brian'.
Brian: Oh, you speak English?
Immigrant: No, just that last sentence and this one explaining it.
Brian: You're kidding.
Immigrant: ...Que?

I love the absurdity that those are the only 2 sentences in English that the guy knows, as though he's had this specific conversation with several other people.
 
Peterotica:

Peter tickles Lois, who ends up slamming him in the face with a frying pan, bending his nose sideways and splattering blood on his face.
Peter: Ahh! (inhales though his teeth) Ahh!
Lois: Well I told you to stop.
Peter: I...tickle you, you hit me in the head with a frying pan??!!
Lois: I told you to stop!
Peter: I taste blood!!
Lois: Well, there's a lot of it.

^I love how Lois' solution to Peter's tickling is to smash her husband's face in with a frying pan and how she's totally ambivalent about what she's done, despite how out of line it was.

Peter: Got it, lets rob a train!
Carter: Love it!

^That's it. That's the only dialogue in this scene that lasts probably three seconds. I love how Peter thinks of the most absurd idea possible and his father-in-law is totally on board from the get go.

Movin' Out (Brian's Song):

Meg is on the phone with someone we don't see.
Meg: What am I wearing? Ummm, a hat aaannnd...glasses? What kind of underwear? Uhhh, I don't know...big underwear, I guess. I'm sorry what? Oh, what would I do to you?! Well ummm...I guess maybe we'd get pizza...and we could watch House...
Cut to Peter on the phone in the bedroom.
Peter: All right, I am totally flaccid, but thank you anyway ma'am. I appreciate your time. (hangs up)

^Mila's reading of this is spot-on perfect. The quick reveal of Peter on the other end of the conversation is great.
 
If I'm Dyin', I'm Lyin'

Peter: Chris, everything I say is a lie. Except for that. And that. And that. And that. (ad nauseum)

^ There was a very simple way to avoid that loop, Peter: Say "MOST everything I say is a lie".

Boys Do Cry

Lois: Peter what the hell, you can’t bring that horse into our bed!
Peter: Lois, I can not believe you would ban the horse from our bed. He's a graceful, majestic creature, who is a part of this family and only wants you to love and respect- the horse may have pooped in the bed.

^ I love how Peter interrupts his own sentence to completely contradict his point about the horse. For some reason, I find the horse's blank expression during this scene funny too.

Barely Legal

The whole "Kool Whip" conversation, but I especially like "You're eating hair!" at the end of it.

The Fat Guy Strangler

Peter: Forget it, Lois, your brother is toast! Warm, buttery toast. (fat guys drool and moan in pleasure)

Brian Wallows and Peter's Swallows

Peter: (tries to eat popcorn but it keeps getting snagged by his beard birds) Damn it all!
Moviegoer: Shut up!
Moviegoer: Keep it down!
Peter: Look, there's nothing I can do, all right?
Moviegoer: Take it outside, pal!
Moviegoer: Heard of a sitter?
Peter: Look, it's an endangered species. What am I supposed to?!
Moviegoer: I'll make you endangered!
Peter: Oh good comeback, Potsie!
Moviegoer: I'll kick your ass!
Peter: Look, everybody just shut up! He has stopped squawking. He has receded into my beard. We can all watch the movie. Shut up.
Moviegoer: Eric, if you're in here, we're all going to Marty's after.

Lethal Weapons

Lois: If you kids don't stop misbehaving, we're not going out to McDonalds after church!
(kids whine)
Peter: Don't worry, we're still going. (Lois glares at him) B-but you don't get to supersize.
Chris: What?!
Peter: OK, you get to supersize, but you don't get an apple pie.
Meg: Oh come ON!
Peter: OK, you get an apple pie, but you can't blow on it.

^ This is a funny string. Peter just keeps caving to the kids.

Emission Impossible

Stewie: All this work to keep people from having sex; now I know how the Catholic church feels.
 
From "Chick Cancer"

Stewie is talking to Brian after his "marriage" to Olivia (1st seen in "From Method to Madness") ends badly.

Brian: So what happened?
Stewie: Well, you wanna know what I learned this week? Being a grown-up sucks. Women, Brian...what a royal pain in the ass. It's like, it's like, why can't you just hang out with guys, you know? Just live with someone of your own sex. Just do what you would do with women, but with your buddy, you know? Why don't guys just do that?
Brian: They do, it's called being gay.
Stewie: Oh, that's what gay is? Oh yeah, I could totally get into that.

The fact that Stewie, who clearly had no idea what gay was previous to this, had thought that he had really come up with a good idea before Brian pointed out that it already exists, and then Stewie's reaction when he learns what "gay" is. Hilarious.
 
I love the 'Kool Whip' gag, too. Speaking of which, here's my favorite variation on that gag from..


'Not All Dogs Go To Heaven'.


Stewie: I said you ought to be nicer to Whil Wheaton.


Patrick Stewart: You mean Wil Wheaton.


Stewie: Yes, Whil Wheaton.


Patrick Stewart: Why are you saying it like that?


Stewie: What, I'm just saying you should be nicer to Whil Wheaton.Whill Wheaton seems like a nice guy.



Patrick Stewart: Say 'wheat'.


Stweie: Wheat.


Partick Stewart: Now say Wil Wheaton.


Stweie: Whil Wheaton.


Partick Stewart: Wil Wheaton.


Stweie: Whil Wheaton.


Partick Stewart: Will Wheaton.


Stweie: Whil Wheaton.


Partick Stewart: Wil Wheaton.


Stweie: Whill Wheaton


Partick Stewart: Wil Wheaton


Stewie: Hey, did you hook up with Woopie Golderg on the show?


Patrick Stewart: All the time.
 
North By North Quahog

(in Mel Gibson's hotel room)
Peter: They even have some of that high class British porn! (turns on porn movie; man is lying still on top of a woman)
British Man: Almost... almost... almost... there we are.
Margaret: Good show.

(later, Peter cheers himself up by watching more British porn)
British Man: You know, Margaret, we could have sexual intercourse right now.
Margaret: Yes, yes we could.
British Man: Mmm, but let's not.

^ How erotic.
 
Chris: "if i didn't learn to laugh at myself I'd be dead right now."

Stewie Griffin: Baby needs to suck ash! BABY NEEDS TO SUCK ASH! Not "ass" you pervert, save it for the interns.

Patrick: Thank God I'm out of that hospital. It's great to be eating lunch with my family, instead of a bunch of chronic masturbaters. Those people are disgusting.
Chris: Is it lonely up there on your pedestal, Uncle Patrick?
 
Breaking Out Is Hard To Do

Brian: Lois, you're in an auto parts store, stealing mufflers. This is worse than that Winona Ryder thing!
Lois: Are you saying I'm a klepto?
Brian: Um, actually, I was talking about "The Age of Innocence".

lulz
 
E Peterbus Unum

Peter: OK, here's another riddle. A woman has two children. Now, a homicidal maniac tells her she can only keep one. Which one does she let him kill?
Brian: That's, that's not a riddle. That's... that's just terrible.
Peter: Wrong! The ugly one.

^ I love that this bit actually starts an episode and has no relation to anything. Just so random. From the same ep:

I.R.S. Rep: Well sir, I'm afraid that you don't qualify for a tax refund.
Peter: Aaahhh!!! Oh sorry, I still haven't gotten over the loss of Party of Five. It'll take some time to get over it. What were you saying?
I.R.S. Rep: Well, as I was saying, you are not getting a tax refund.
Peter: Aaaahh!!! I'm sorry, come again?
IRS: You're not intitled to a tax refund.
Peter: Aaaahh!!!
IRS: Was that for Party of Five again?
Peter: No, that was for my tax refund! What the hell is Party of Five?!

Stewie Griffin: The Untold Story

Stewie: Y'know, 'Nessa, a bullet sounds the same in every language, so stick a (censored) sock in it, you cow!

One If By Clam, Two If By Sea

Nigel: May I touch your bum once?
Lois: Huh?

^ Love how Nigel's comment just comes out of nowhere and then he pretends he never said it.
 
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