Great Family Guy Quotes

From Hannah Banana:

Peter is scratching the Evil Monkey's back with his foot.

Monkey: Oh, that feels so good. You are an artist.
Peter: Thank you! Lois doesn't like my toenails 'cause they stab her in the night. Hear that, Lois. Somebody likes my toenails.
Lois: Good for you, Peter.

I love how immature the "stab her in the night" part of Peter's line sounds. Even better is Lois' complete indifference.
 
Cleveland: Peter, not every Jewish person is good with money.Peter: Well, yeah, I guess not the retarded ones, but--but why would you even say that? For shock value? Jeez, Cleveland, there's edgy and there's offensive.
And your show is an expert on both, Petey boy.
 
Stuck Together, Torn Apart

Stewie: Ewwwww! What in the hell do you think you're doing?
Brian: I'm cleaning myself.
Stewie: (to himself) You were clean fifteen minutes ago, now you're just on vacation.

Brian in Love

Lois: This could be a good opportunity for you and Stewie to bond.
Peter: Bond? JAMES Bond.

Stewie Griffin: The Untold Story

Peter: You know what really grind my gears? People from the 19th century. Why don't they get with the freaking program?! It's called an automobile; it's much faster than a horse.

^ Yeah, that's real fair to blame people that are long since dead for not driving cars. :p

He's Too Sexy For His Fat

(after Peter leaves)
Brian: Are you gonna take that? (no response) LOIS!
Lois: What? Oh, Brian. I-I was just seeing if the driveway...
Brian: That wasn't even a sentence. You were ogling Peter like a horny schoolgirl.
Lois: I know. He's become a superficial egomaniacal jerk, but I've never been more attracted to him. Does that make me a bad person?
Brian: Yes! Yes, it DOES make you a bad person!

Saving Private Brian

Lois: What the hell? Marilyn Manson? Is that who's causing all this?
Peter: Yeah, it's all him or her's fault. Who does he or she think he or she is? Look, you can totally see his or her nipples. That's obscene, maybe.
Lois: There's only one thing to do.
Peter Griffin: You're right. We got to find this Marilyn Manson and I got to give that bastard or ***** a piece of my mind, or penis.

^ Love how Peter keeps sounding disgusted while getting turned on at the same time just in case Marilyn Manson happens to be a woman.

Viewer Mail #1

Brian: What's that?
Stewie: Oh, it's a laugh box I got from the set of "Dharma and Greg".
Brian: I'm surprised there's any left.
Brian/Stewie: Huuuwhhhhhooooooaaaaaaaaaaa!!!

PTV

(during the Waltons cutaway)
Ma: Good night, John Boy. (beat) Good NIGHT, John Boy. (opens door) John Boy?
John Boy: Dammit! Can't a guy masturbate in this house?!

Don't Make Me Over

Meg: Hi, Craig. Umm, I was wondering if maybe you would want to, I don't know, go out sometime?
Craig Hoffman: Huh. That's about as likely as me playing by someone else's rules besides my own. Which I would never do. I play by my own rules, nobody else's, not even my own.
Meg: How 'bout a movie?
Craig: I don't go out with dudes.

^ Craig's second response comes out of nowhere. I love how fast he delivers it, too.

Screwed The Pooch

Ted Turner: Are aces high or low?
Peter: They go both ways.
Bill Gates: Hah! He said they go both ways. (everyone laughs)
Ted Turner: Like a bisexual!
Michael Eisner: Thank you Ted, that was the joke.

^ Ted Turner in general is great in this episode.

The Thin White Line

Stewie: (regarding Peter) Look at him: He runs like a Welshman. Doesn't he? Doesn't he run like a Welshman?

^ How esoteric.
 
"Hey, I'm gonna eat ya'll. I'm gonna eat that hairy leg. I'm gonna eat that one too. Oh, I can see right up them shorts. I gotta whole bunch of rows of teeth to chew you with. Dah-nah, dah-nah, dah-nah. Oh, now wait a minute I did have a chubby kid on a raft earlier today. It's okay though I've been swimming a lot lately. Mmm, yummy. Mmmm."

Of all the dialogue Mike Henry has ever had as Bruce or using Bruce's voice this has got to be my favorite.
 
From "Brian in Love"

Brian is watching 'The Price is Right' on TV, and Bob Barker is giving his sign off to the audience.

Bob Barker: Help control the pet population by having your pet spayed or neutered.
Brian: Oh, just die, already!

That line and Brian's delivery of the line gets me every time.
 
I don't remember what episode, but it's a flashback of Peter taking different art classes.

(shows Peter in a painting class)
Peter: Should I...paint the penis?
(shows Peter in a sculpting class)
Peter: Am I supposed to sculpt the penis?
(shows Peter conducting a band)
Peter: Am I supposed to conduct with my penis?

^I love how dumb Peter is.:p
 
One favorite of mine:

(A bunch of soldiers are stalking through the jungles of Vietnam, Peter is trailing behind them in a clown suit.)

Peter: You're all stupid, see they're gonna be looking for army guys!

He's just so confident in his plan, thinking it actually might work in spite of how insane it is.

And playing into the previous one.

Peter: Lois, no one really needs glasses.
Meg: You wear glasses.
Peter: That's only to fool the man from the draft board.

The first three seasons of Family Guy had a ton of memorable quotes in general when I think about it.
 
Here are some random favorites of mine.


Jasper: So, do you watch 'Sex & The City'?


Brian: It's an alright show.


Jasper: I wasn't talking about the show.


Carter Pewterschmidt: This is where we groom every president, every CEO, every d-bag named Ryan Seacrest. :p


Cleveland: This is worse that our ridiculous sale at the deli, where prices were so low, they were ridiculous.


Mayor West: If I do this, do you promise to stay out of my garden?


Luke Perry: Um, yeah, whatever.


Peter: I got it, that's the guy from 'Big'. Tom Hanks, funny guy. Anything he says is a stiff.


Tom Hanks: I have (censored)


Peter: HA, HA, HA, HAAAA!


Peter: Who would've thought that Lois could get mad at me for getting a million dollars from the government.


Brian: This is why I don't vote.


Peter: Well, Lois doesn't want me hanging around the wrong crowd.


Crest Kid: Cavity Creeps!


Cavity Creeps: We Make Holes In The Teeth! We Make Holes In The Teeth!
 
Reminds me of another one from that episode that I really like:

Peter: You know, I always thought that dogs, um, laid eggs. And, I learned something today.

Say what you will about Seth MacFarlane; when it comes to voice acting, he's the master of the awkward "um".
 
Mr. Griffin Goes To Washington:
"I?m so hungry I could ride a horse. I don?t get it. Well, I could ride it to the store, I guess."
^Another one of my absolute favorite quotes.

A couple more:

Love Thy Trophy:
Stewie: "I want pancakes! God, do you people understand every language except English? Yo quiero pancakes! Donnez moi pancakes! Click click bloody click pancakes!"

A Hero Sits Next Door:
Police blotter: "We have a gang shooting on 3rd and Main. Three wounded, one dead."
Brian: "Is it just me or is rap getting lazier?"


 
Some more favorite quote of mine.

Bill: They call me Bill, yes they call me Bill, and I'm sitting here on Capital UUUUUUUUUUGNH!

(Public worker stabs Bill with his litter stick, and throws him away.)


Peter: Since I've became president, profits have been higher than Alyssa Milano. Eh he he he he he!

Alyssa Milano: What kind of cheap shot, Jole!

Jole: I'm suing, I'm suing, I'm on it, i'm on it!


Barbara Pewterschmit: Why don't you want Ernie in the bath tub?

Ted Turner: Ernie's mean to the monsters!
 
The Fat Guy Strangler:

Peter: (after Brian has chucked a rock at Peter's head) Aah! You missed!
Brian: No, I didn't! That's for rolling up the damn window when I tried to jump into the General Lee!

Deep Throats:

Brian: I don't know what a Hollaback Girl is -- all I know is that I want her dead.

(Brian and Stewie are sitting in a restaurant spying on Meg and Adam West; Brian is in a tux and Stewie is in an evening gown)
Brian: I thought you were going to get the suit.
Stewie: Eh, I liked this one better.
Brian: Anything to wear a dress, huh?

Stewie Loves Lois

Brian: (sing-song) Stewie loves Lois!
Stewie: (sing-song) Brian loves Olympia Dukakis!
Brian: (wistfully) Oh, yeah I do.

Stewie: (faking being sick to get Lois' attention) Lois, help! I ate this entire bottle of pills that look like candy and now I feel sick!
Brian: You look like a jackass.
Stewie: Can't hear you Brian, I'm dead.
Brian: All right. (goes over to the toilet, stuffs a towel down it and then flushes; it overflows)
Stewie: What did you do? Oh, that is so not cool...

Barely Legal:

(Joe, Quagmire, Cleveland, Peter and Lois have just barged into the hotel room where Meg is holding Brian hostage, right as Meg is in the act of attempting to seduce a tied-up Brian)
Joe: Brian, she's a teenager!
Peter:Yeah, Brian, you're doing the same thing that Mia Farrow did to that Oriental guy that Woody Allen brought home from the circus.
Lois: Peter, hold on to that thought, because I'm going to explain to you
when we get home all the things that are wrong with that statement.

Quagmire: Meg, I've watched you grow up from a playful little girl into a very special young woman. Now you probably just think of me as square old Mr. Quagmire from next door, but I've been around the block a few times, learned a couple things, and I can tell you this: there's no reason to grow up too fast. Teenage girls are exposed to so much these days. I can see why a relationship looks glamorous, but you've got all the time in the world and a lot of wonderful experiences ahead of ya. Hang on. I want to give you something. (gives Meg a copy of Shel Silverstein's The Missing Piece) This book helped me when I was about your age. It let me know that as long as I kept on rolling, I'd find that one person who would make me whole.


-Kim
 
Just thought of a great one from "Screwed the Pooch":

Carter: (to Brian) "It's kind of like a Greek tragedy where one is forced to give up his children. Of course, you'll be playing the role of 'Sans Testiclees'."

So cruel and yet, so funny.
 
Marvin Ashley: Hey Rick, it's your cousin, Marvin Ashley! You know that bland generic sound you've been looking for? Well listen to this!

Doc Brown: Did you know peanut butter was invented by a black guy?


George Jetson: You are not going to take my whole wallet so you can go shopping!

Jane Jetson: I was just gonna buy some groceries.
 
Road to Rhode Island

Stewie: Hello, operator? Hello? Oh God, that's right, you have to punch in the numbers nowadays. I should know this...oh, yes, 867-5309, that's it. No wait, that's not it. Damn you, Tommy Tutone! [sighs] Only one thing to do. [dials number] 111-1111. Lois? Damn! [dials again] 111-1112. Lois? DAMN! [dials again] 111-1113.

Thug 1: You got the stuff?
Thug 2: Yeah, I've got it, Where's the money, Huh? I want to see the money.
Thug 1: No, no, no. You don't see the money until I see the stuff.
Stewie: Oh for god's sake, there is only one way to put an end to this nuisance. (Yells) HE'S WEARING A WIRE!
Thug 1: What? You son of a...
(There is gunfire, as bullet holes appear in the walls. Then you hear a body drop to the floor. Stewie yawns and goes back to bed).

Stewie: Um... "Yea, and God said on to Abraham, 'You will kill your son Isaac'. And Abraham said, 'I can't hear you, You'll have to speak into the microphone.' And God said, 'Oh, I'm sorry. Is this better? Check, Check, Check. Jerry pull the high end out I'm, getting some hiss back here.'"



Wasted Talent

Host: This one for Peter Griffin and Tony Randall.
Announcer: The password is "flaming".
Peter: You...
Tony: Actor.
Peter: You...
Tony: Tony?
Peter: You...

Mafia guy: You come to me and ask me to kill a man I do not know. Now I ask you, why should I kill this "Count Chocula"?
Captain Crunch: Because that son of a ***** has been spreading lies! My cereal does not cut the roof of your mouth! With all respect.

The Cleveland-Loretta Quagmire

Peter: Cleveland, sit down. I wanna sing a little song that, uh kept me goin' when I had troubles.
(Peter starts playing The B-52s- "Rock Lobster" on an acoustic guitar.)
Peter: We were at the beach.
Everyone had, matching towels!
Somebody went under a dock, and there they saw, a rock!
But it wasn't a rock, it was a Rock Lobster.
(bridge)
Rock Lobster
(in a falsetto)
ROCK LOBSTER!
 
What I liked about this quote is after Jasper says that, he goes, "OOH, I'M NASTY!" in a high-pitched effeminate voice. Cracks me up every single time.

Another set of quote I like are the ones where they take shots at cable network Lifetime. The first one is where two women are having a banal conversation. Then one of the women goes:

Woman 1: "You're so awesome! You're my third best friend."

Woman 2: "Who are the other two?"

Woman 1: "Ben and Jerry!"

*both women proceed to laugh*

Announcer: "Lifetime: Television for Idiots."

The other one is: "Valerie Bertranelli in the Lifetime original movie: Men Are Terrible and They Will Hurt You Because This is Lifetime."

I like little jabs like that.
 
Angry Kid: HEY EVERYONE, THIS GUY'S A PHONY! A BIG FAT PHONY!

Quagmire: My fellow Americans, I have not been entirely truthful with you. I did gigoogity that girl. I gishmoigiy her giflavity with my googus, and I am sorry.

Quagmire: Hey there sweety, how old are you?

Connie: 16

Quagmire: 18, your next!

Connie: MOM!

Quagmire: I like where this is going. Giggity, giggity gig-gi-ty!
 
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