Great Family Guy Quotes

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someheartsx323

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Inspired by the "Great Simpsons Quotes" thread, this one's for the long-running animated series Family Guy. Post your favorite quotes. Also, explain why you like said quotes on at least some of them so this doesn't become a spam thread. Most importantly: No haters, please.

I'll get things rolling.

You May Now Kiss the, Uh, Guy Who Receives

Stewie: (to Meg) Wow, this is awkward, so... if guys can marry other guys now... that's pretty much it for you, isn't it? Might as well pack it in, game over.

^ I love how Meg blankly stares at him through this insult. It's like she's used to the cheap shots, or perhaps because Stewie's a baby, she thinks he must not know what he's talking about. The line itself is funny too, though.

Brian Does Hollywood

Brian: (speaking of a newbie writer whose studio bought his script) And he's been in L.A. HOW long? Ugh... unbelievable. Y-you know he actually called the main character "John Everyman"? Tsch... come on. Well... good for him.

^ Someone's jealous, and you can't exactly cover it up with the "good for him" remark at the end.

North By North Quahog

Announcer for Passion of the Christ 2: Let he who is without sin... KICK THE FIRST ASS.

^ Yeah, I know it's debatably sacreligious but what can I say, I love it. Don LaFontaine is part of the reason, of course.

Jungle Love

Pilot: (over intercom) Oh hey Brenda, whatcha got for me? Coffee? Damn, your ass looks hot! Oh, is this thing on? I don't care, I want 'em to hear!

^ I love how exaggeratedly pompous this guy's voice is.

Fish Out of Water

Mr. Stevenson: Jackal? Jackal? Is it jackal? Jackal? Is it jackal? Jackal! Jackal!
Mrs. Stevenson: Time!
Stewie: It wasn't right the FIRST time you said it- why would it be right the other ten times?! (storms out) God!

Peter, Peter, Caviar Eater

Peter: Here, go buy yourself some more money.

Mr. Saturday Knight

Stewie: (looking at Peter, dressed as a prostitute) Eerie, isn't it? It's like looking into the future.
 
A Hero Sits Next door

Peter: (to Joe) We'll have so much fun, it should be illegal. Like copyright infringement.

(Peter starts to grow Mickey Mouse ears.)

Peter: Ho, ho! See you at the game, Joe.
 
My favorite line from all of Family Guy is probably Peter's "What the hell is this? For cryin' out loud, somebody throw a pie!" from an episode I can't even remember. I do use this line from time to time.
 
One that always cracks me up is when Meg, who had previously been kicked out of the house by Peter, is sitting at the kitchen table and says something, and Peter looks at her, as if to reply but instead asks, "Meg? . . . Who let you back in?" LOL!!

When Peter is scrounging for work and they find him as a prostitute on a street corner, and Lois makes him get in the car. Stewie looks back and forth between dressed-up Peter and Meg, then leans toward Meg and says, "Eerie, isn't it? Like looking into the future."

And because I'm a fan . . .
Meg: "Oh my God, I'm missing the news."
Peter: "We all miss the News, Meg. But Huey Lewis needs time to create, and we just have to learn to be patient." :D

Of course, Quagmire's "I got a question for you, too. Why are you still here?" is a classic. :D
 
While the entire gag is brillaint, there's one line from the 'Maude' extended opening sequence bit that makes me lose it every time:

"Amelia Earheart flew a lot of airplanes, except for that one time she didn't come back."
 
I also like when Stewie tries to teach his adult self how to overcome his shyness and just score with his coworker. After a bad round of sex, Adult Stewie askes her 'is this the part where I pay you money?' To which she replies 'yeah, I'm gonna go now.' Followed by his house catching on fire, and two fire men notice his stress release candles. 'Ironyyyyyy'. :D
 
"SHOWTIME!"

It's from Brian: Portrairt of a Dog. It makes me lmao everytime - it's probably the look on Brian's face...that overexaggerated grin he makes is priceless. :anime:


"Now you be somewhere else when the boys don't call!"

From the episode where Meg becomes a flag girl - Stewie and Brian stiffling their laughter makes it even funnier.

Also,
thFamilyGuy_Ridiculous.gif


"YOU SAID THE SECRET WORD!"
 
Peter: Can't you see Lois? We're ALIVE!

Lois: Peter, you're scaring me.

Peter: That's Good Lois. Embrace the fear! Dance with me, Dance the dance of Life!

*Peter crashes into a cabinet*

Peter: Yeah maybe we oughta go see that marriage counselor.



Gets me every time.
 
"It's time to go back to my favorite sunday pastime, gladiator mice.

(cut to Peter watching two gladiator mice fighting in his underwear)

Fight! Fight! I have everything, you have nothing! Hahaha!"-Peter Griffin

Chris- "Stewie, do you want a sundae?"
Stewie-"Yes, but no sprinkles! For every sprinkle I find...I will kill you."

More later. I could do ten posts on this subject!
 
Dang there are so many, but I'll start with this one:

"Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa...Lois, this is not my Batman glass." - Peter

You really think Peter is going to say something related to the conversation here.
 
From Mr. Saturday Knight


Black Knight: You see kids, your father is nothing but a fizzle!

Peter: Nobody calls me a fizzle and gets away with it! Except for that one guy who called me a fizzle and then ran away, he got away with it. But most of the people who call me a fizzle don't get away with it! Actually he was the only guy to ever call me a fizzle, but after today only half the people who have ever called me a fizzle will have gotten away with it!

I always liked how he went into detail about how one guy called him a fizzle before the Black Knight did.
 
Let's Go to The Hop

(Peter sneaks out of the house, slips off the roof, and falls to the ground until Spider-Man shoots a web like net near the trees.)

Peter: Wow! Thanks, Spider-Man!

Spider-Man: Everybody gets one.
 
I received a first draft of the script for "The Courtship of Stewie's Father" several years ago (before the episode aired), and it has what might be my all-time favorite Family Guy line ever, though to the best of my knowledge it was not included in the final version of the show. The episode was originally going to feature the first use of the "Cleveland's house falls down while he's in the bathtub" gag, to which Cleveland would reply (while still sitting in the tub)...

"I would say 'Oh no, not again', but this has never happened before."

Just imagining that line spoken in Mike Henry's matter-of-fact Cleveland voice makes me giggle.
 
You guys are taking a lot of the good ones, so I'd better jump in now.

From "Mr. Saturday Knight":

Stewie notices Peter sitting on the bench, depressed because he dropped out of the joust after being threatened by the Black Knight.

Stewie: Hey. Hey, big guy. You wanna talk about it? You wanna get a soda??

Peter doesn't react.

Stewie: Ah, screw it. I tried!
 
That reminds me of this quote from A Thin White Line:

Doctor: Wait a minute, Brian, you have a pre-existing relationship with this degenerate?
Peter: A degenerate, am I? Well you are a festizio! See, I can make up words too, sister.
 
"I Never Met The Dead Man"

Meg: "Dad, we can't leave now! My entire life depends on getting my license! If I can't drive, I'll never have any boyfriends, I'll never get married, and then I'll have to adopt a kid like Rosie O'Donnell!"

Peter: (pause) "... Meg, are you implying that Rosie O'Donnell can't drive?"

Two things about this exchange absolutely kill me. First off, Peter misses the point entirely. Secondly, I love how offended and annoyed he sounds when he thinks Meg might be insulting this random celebrity.
 
Peter: Brian,there's a message in my Alpha-Bits!!!...it's says OOOOO!!!!

Brian: Peter,those are Cheerios...

..funny,because both cereals look similar....

******

Peter: I have a plan so smart,my head would explode if I even began to know what I was talking about....

...This line never fails to make me laugh...in all honesty,I think it's the line delivery....

*******
Peter's line after Lois' Aunt Margarite (who he hates,and vice-versa) comes to visit,then promptly drops dead...

"Whoa,be careful what you wish for,huh,Lois?"

....Peter doesn't even try to fake being upset...

Later,after Aunt Margarite disses him in her video will,saying she always knew Lois would marry well...but she was wrong...

"and now,you're dead....Score one for Peter!"

...and he's not going to pretend he liked her,even in death...

also....

"She's laughing her head off while she's burning in Hell...may she rest in peace..."

Contradiction much? :D....

****
From Road to Road Island...Stewie and Brian are driving away in a stolen car..

Stewie: Yes,yes,you've got lots to think about,haven't you?...Public drunkenness,grand theft auto...

Brian: You forgot about the part where I made you smash your head on the windshield....

Stewie: Well...I..I..don't recall...

Brian slams on the brakes,making Stewie smash his head on the windshield

Stewie: Yes,well,I suppose I walked right into that one...

...He sure did...:D
 
I can't believe this hasn't been mentioned yet.

Quagmire:Ok. I'll tell ya. You are the worst person I know. You constantly hit on your best friend's wife, the man pays for your food and rescued you from certain death, and this is how you repay him? And to add insult to injury, you defecate all over his yard. (getting angrier) and you're such a sponge. You pay for nothing — you're always like "Ooh, I'll get you later," but later never comes. And what really bothers me, is you pretend that you're this deep guy that loves women for their souls, but all you do is date bimbos. Yeah, I date women for their bodies, but at least I'm honest about it. I don't buy them a copy of Catcher in the Rye and then lecture them with some 7th Grade interpretation about Holden Caulfield is a profound intellectual, he wasn't. He was a SPOILED BRAT. And that's why you like him so much — he's YOU. GOD, you're pretentious. (brimming with indignation) And you delude yourself by thinking you're a great writer, even though you're terrible. You know, I shoulda known Cheryl Tiegs didn't write me that note... she woulda know there's no "A" in the word "definite." And what I think I hate most about you, is your textbook liberal agenda. How we should (mockingly) "Legalize Pot, maaan..." How big business is crushing the underclass, how homelessness is the biggest tragedy in America... well what have YOU done to help?! I work down at the Soup Kitchen, Brian... never seen YOU down there... you wanna help? GRAB A LADLE. And by the way, driving a Prius does not make you Jesus Christ. Oh, WAIT — you don't believe in Jesus Christ, or any religion for that matter... because "religion is for idiots." Well who the HELL are YOU to talk down to anyone?! You failed college TWICE, which isn't nearly as bad as your failure as a father — how's that son of yours you never see? But you know what? I could forgive all of that... all of it... if you weren't such a BORE. That's the worst of it, Brian. You're just a big, sad, alcoholic BORE. Sigh... Well, see ya later, Brian. Thanks for the (censored) steak.

The best thing Quagmire ever said.
 
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