This is the blurb and opening 2 paragraphs to my young adult fiction story "The Secret of the Sea"
Main character is an 18-year-old girl who has gone travelling with her boyfriend only to (almost) die when she has an accident diving off the coast of Australia. I won't tell you what the secret about the sea is.
Blurb
I felt the tide toss me around as if I were just a leaf in a hurricane of wind. Spinning in a whirlpool of blue I clambered for the surface kicking my legs, trying to escape the black of the water below which was rising to consume me. What I wouldn’t give to taste the cool air in my throat, to be on land where I could be drunk on oxygen.
With one last kick for freedom I felt my legs give in, the darkness of the water washed over me as i closed my eyes and waited for my watery end to come. Down and down i sank into the depths. It surprised me how slowly death came. I’d heard people say your whole life flashes before you in the moments before you meet your maker but all I could hear was the voices in my head asking why me? My life hadn’t even begun. This trip was supposed to be the beginning of a journey for me and it had already come to an abrupt end. Then faces... Mum... Dad... little Freddie. And finally Dylan. Dylan. Why didn’t I tell him I loved him? Why? Why? The voice kept questioning whispers of regrets... I watched the two small bubbles rise from my mouth up into the blue... to the surface that was out of my reach... everything was black...
Chapter 1
That morning the sun woke me up from my deep sleep. I’d had a thousand dreams last night- glimpses of my hopes and dreams for the future. I’d seen myself lying on a sun lounger on a golden beach, Dylan sat beside me, in my mint green scrubs and a stethoscope around my neck. Not quite a bikini and sarong but i couldn’t have been happier. As i stared out across the ocean Dylan had asked “Hey Jess, what’s the plan for today, Dollface?” his usual cheeky grin spread wide across his face. I looked at him and said matter-of-factly “I’m gonna have to love you and leave you Dyl- got to be at the hospital by 11am- Lung transplant. S’later” and with that i got up from my lounger, picked up my leather briefcase beside me, walked briskly across the sand and dove immediately into the pristine crystal sea.
The blue gradually faded to a white light. I slowly blinked to take in my surroundings. No beach here. I was in bed at home same old, same old. Yet, somehow, everything was different. The air smelt fresher. Breathing came easier. The light seemed brighter and cleaner than ever before. Everything just seemed, well... new. I threw on my trusty old pair of jeans and a t-shirt and danced out of my room and down the stairs where i could smell Mum making her “special-occasion” breakfast; two eggs, a strip of bacon, two sausages and beans (all arranged into a smiley face, of course.) I bounced into the kitchen where i wasn’t surprised to be met by a chorus of “Happy Birthday”. I sat myself down on my usual seat at the head of the breakfast table whilst Dad got up to get a glass of orange, ruffling my hair on the way. Freddie was sat in his high-chair opposite me giggling- he was using his spoon to catapult his cereal at Preston, our very tolerable and patient cat. “How does it feel to be 18, Jess?” Mum asked. I’d been anticipating this question and already had my answer planned from years of recital “No different.” I shrugged. But as these words came out of my mouth like an actor reciting a play i already that knew i was lying. Everything was different. Today my life began.
So would you want to read on??? What would you change?? Is it too descriptive/not descriptive enough??? How would i go about making it more interesting to read?
Any suggestions would be most appreciated. This is my first attempt at writing a story/book.
I'm desperate for some good writer's advice on how to make my story more engaging.
Edit: Thanks for the advice on paragraphing. I actuallly had more distinct paragraphs when i wrote it out in word but when i pasted it they got removed. Silly yahoo answers!
I'd totally forgotten about a new line for a new speaker though so thanks very much!
Main character is an 18-year-old girl who has gone travelling with her boyfriend only to (almost) die when she has an accident diving off the coast of Australia. I won't tell you what the secret about the sea is.
Blurb
I felt the tide toss me around as if I were just a leaf in a hurricane of wind. Spinning in a whirlpool of blue I clambered for the surface kicking my legs, trying to escape the black of the water below which was rising to consume me. What I wouldn’t give to taste the cool air in my throat, to be on land where I could be drunk on oxygen.
With one last kick for freedom I felt my legs give in, the darkness of the water washed over me as i closed my eyes and waited for my watery end to come. Down and down i sank into the depths. It surprised me how slowly death came. I’d heard people say your whole life flashes before you in the moments before you meet your maker but all I could hear was the voices in my head asking why me? My life hadn’t even begun. This trip was supposed to be the beginning of a journey for me and it had already come to an abrupt end. Then faces... Mum... Dad... little Freddie. And finally Dylan. Dylan. Why didn’t I tell him I loved him? Why? Why? The voice kept questioning whispers of regrets... I watched the two small bubbles rise from my mouth up into the blue... to the surface that was out of my reach... everything was black...
Chapter 1
That morning the sun woke me up from my deep sleep. I’d had a thousand dreams last night- glimpses of my hopes and dreams for the future. I’d seen myself lying on a sun lounger on a golden beach, Dylan sat beside me, in my mint green scrubs and a stethoscope around my neck. Not quite a bikini and sarong but i couldn’t have been happier. As i stared out across the ocean Dylan had asked “Hey Jess, what’s the plan for today, Dollface?” his usual cheeky grin spread wide across his face. I looked at him and said matter-of-factly “I’m gonna have to love you and leave you Dyl- got to be at the hospital by 11am- Lung transplant. S’later” and with that i got up from my lounger, picked up my leather briefcase beside me, walked briskly across the sand and dove immediately into the pristine crystal sea.
The blue gradually faded to a white light. I slowly blinked to take in my surroundings. No beach here. I was in bed at home same old, same old. Yet, somehow, everything was different. The air smelt fresher. Breathing came easier. The light seemed brighter and cleaner than ever before. Everything just seemed, well... new. I threw on my trusty old pair of jeans and a t-shirt and danced out of my room and down the stairs where i could smell Mum making her “special-occasion” breakfast; two eggs, a strip of bacon, two sausages and beans (all arranged into a smiley face, of course.) I bounced into the kitchen where i wasn’t surprised to be met by a chorus of “Happy Birthday”. I sat myself down on my usual seat at the head of the breakfast table whilst Dad got up to get a glass of orange, ruffling my hair on the way. Freddie was sat in his high-chair opposite me giggling- he was using his spoon to catapult his cereal at Preston, our very tolerable and patient cat. “How does it feel to be 18, Jess?” Mum asked. I’d been anticipating this question and already had my answer planned from years of recital “No different.” I shrugged. But as these words came out of my mouth like an actor reciting a play i already that knew i was lying. Everything was different. Today my life began.
So would you want to read on??? What would you change?? Is it too descriptive/not descriptive enough??? How would i go about making it more interesting to read?
Any suggestions would be most appreciated. This is my first attempt at writing a story/book.
I'm desperate for some good writer's advice on how to make my story more engaging.
Edit: Thanks for the advice on paragraphing. I actuallly had more distinct paragraphs when i wrote it out in word but when i pasted it they got removed. Silly yahoo answers!
I'd totally forgotten about a new line for a new speaker though so thanks very much!