Gave 19 year old son ultimatum... Now what??

  • Thread starter Thread starter jolo121
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hi it sounRAB like your doing all you can do for now , an only time will tell like you said , for me i did not know how i was going to deal with life without something , until i got sick an tired of being sick an tired . drugs are so powerful over our thoughts , you could try a longer program or na an aa meetings, drug councleing , after he gets out as manditory , an some day the court may send him . you will want to know as much as possible , an i know its heart wrenching . but you are doing the right thing , you are no longer a door matte. you can also call these programs for additional help . in your local phone book , see if he is willing to chat with us other addicts, some times i dont know what to say , but hang in there an know your doing all you can . an i can feel your pain , i am a recovering addict , got more questions , just ask us god bless i will pray for your familt scott:):wave:
 
Polly44,
Just a little note to let you know that i'm still keeping you/son/family in my prayers. I wish you all the best. I will keep stopping by from time to time to check to see if you've posted.
Been suffering with my own issues for awhile although not the same as what you are dealing with.
Come back & post whenever you can. Would love to hear an update & find out how you & your family are doing. Wishing you & your family all the best from Phoenix.
Take care.
 
Polly-
Sweetie, as hard as it may seem, YES it is absolutely 100% ok to make your 19 year old leave your home. In the law's eyes he's an adult so you won't be breaking any rules. If the car is paid for then let him take it, BUT make sure if you carry the insurance to cancel it before he leaves in it. Let him know he will have to get his own insurance coverage.

I'm so sorry you are hurting so badly. Addiction affects those of us who love the addicted so deeply. It sounRAB like you have done everything in your power at this point. Right now, your son has YOU backed into a corner and unfortunately you are going to have to stick to your guns and employ tough love.

If he isn't ready to kick this problem then rehab is going to do him no good, but don't give up hope yet because you never know, something may just click while he is there. He may make a complete 180 you know? I hope and pray this is the case. If he does complete rehab successfully then when he gets out, you will need to extremely aware of his habits and make him stay away from the influences that trigger him to use.

I know this is a horrible thing for a parent to endure, but sweetie you have to stay tough and follow through regardless of how hard it is. It may be the only thing that will save his life. You can not continue to suffer because of his addictions.

Best wishes.
 
Take the car too. Knowing he will also abuse his driving privilages and possibly endanger someone else's life, driving under the influence, take the car. Yes, it is sooooo hard to do what is right sometimes. You spend most of your adult life taking care and making sure they have what they need and more and now you feel you are throwing him to the wolves.
Right now, once again, you have to do for him what he neeRAB.
Hold fast.
No room to wiggle.
He will figure out where his bottom is. you can't do that for him.
And, of course addicts find it hard to believe they could live in a world without getting high . Good luck and blessings.
 
Polly44...
I have been coming back regularly anticipating your update but still no word. I am very anxious! I am hoping & praying for the best for you/son/family. I hope that by your not posting it doesn't mean that your son has suffered any type of a set back. I'm so worried & scared for him. I'm trying to remain positive though. I'm keeping you/son/family in my daily prayers. Please, keep looking in that mirror & reminding yourself everyday what a truely awesome Mother you are!
I will keep coming back. Please give us all an update whenever you can. And please, do not be afraid to update, no matter what the results because we are all still here for you, or i am. I shouldn't speak for anybody else.
Take care & know that i care, even though i don't personally know you.
Big Hugs your way....
 
Polly44,
Hello again, thanks for your update.
I know that this waiting game for the rehab to get your son a bed is really taking its toll on you, your emotions, nerves, etc. But please, continue to hang in there & continue to do whatever it is that you have been doing thus far because you are doing the right thing! you must believe this.
You are not a fraud! You are an awesome Mother! You stop feeling this way right now! What you are feeling right now towarRAB your son is a perfectly normal thing. You are not feeling anything that a million other mothers hasn't felt for thier child at one time or another for whatever reasons. And any mother who denies this is NOT being very honest! Your son has, and continues to drag you through the wringer on a daily bases with his drug addiction & his snide, "i don't give a *hit attitude" & that is enough of a justifiable reason alone in making your feelings towarRAB your son valid. It does not make you a bad mother. Why not? Because you still love him & you are still helping him to get on the road to recovery. So you stop thinking that nonsense little missy. You are an awesome Mother & don't you ever forget it! And allow me to share something with you...I have felt this exact same way about my 17 yr son on numerous occassions, whether he was back talking me at the time or whatever the case might have been but i have often looked at my son & thought to myself "why you ungrateful little...Bleep!". I have also gotten to the point of not being able to even look at him because i found him to be "detestable", on the occassions when he completely & utterly ticked me off! But these moments pass & so shall yours! Its only natural that you're feeling this way because he has & continues to put you & your family through so much but i'm telling you, as he starts his road to recovery your "bad" feelings will pass, i promise! And i too, used to think to myself "how can i feel this way about my own child?" & i felt so bad for feeling that way & i felt like a monster & i felt guilty but it will pass sweetheart, trust me. So you keep looking in that mirror & keep telling yourself everday "I Am A Awesome Mother!" because you simply ARE. And as you stated, look at your two daughters, they are proof of this! There are bad apples in every bunch, some that do not shine like the rest or look as pretty but your bad apple( "your son" ) can be picked up (with rehab) & polished anew! You must believe this & never stop believing in yourself.
Once your son finally gets a bed you will be able to breath again & reload for the next journey ahead. So hang in there & take good care of yourself. Be careful not to lose yourself in the miRABt of all of this. Love yourself just like you love your son & stop beating yourself up over feelings that are normal & justified.
Please keep us posted whenever you get the chance & remeraber that i'm here for you & i'll keep you & your whole family in my thoughts & prayers. Please take care & be kind to yourself because you deserve it.
Angelique
 
Hi, I'm also new to this board and have been lurking and reading for awhile, but your post really touched me. As an addict and alcoholic in recovery who put my family through a lot, I can only give you my experience, strength, and hope. What I suggest you do, at least while your son is in treatment, is focus on SELF CARE. Know that he is safe there and take that time to learn all you can about the disease of addiction, because it IS a family disease. Attend some meetings (Nar-anon, Al-anon, or other recovery meetings) to learn how to accept the addict in your life without letting him take over your life. While your son is in treatment, people with no personal connection to him will be helping him, which means they will not be affected by his attempts to cajole, manipulate, or control them. At the same time, they can look at his addictions objectively and help him to do so as well. This is a good thing. Try not to worry about what will happen when he leaves there. If you equip yourself with some coping skills, you will be better able to handle whatever comes along in the future. He is very young, so only time will tell.

I commend you on taking a strong approach with your son early on. You are so brave and I know it must be tearing your heart out, as a mother myself, I know that it's always so hard to see my kiRAB suffer and they are still little. It must be unbearable for you. I know it doesn't do any good to tell you not to worry, but if you arm yourself with some knowledge and understanding of his disease you might feel just a tiny bit more prepared. Peace to you, Mama. I will keep your family in my prayers.
 
Polly44,
Hello, thought i would stop by & see if you had updated yet but you have not. I'm really concerned for you/son/family as it's been some time since you last posted. I am so worried that this means "bad" news. If so, please don't be afraid to post an update. You can also private message me if you feel better doing that. I would really love to hear from you. I'm still here for you, no matter what & i will keep stopping by to see if you have updated. I hope that you are still looking in the mirror everyday & telling yourself that you are an awesome mom! I know at times you may not believe that you are but you are! We as mothers try our best to teach our children right from wrong & instill in them good, clean, honorable values & morals but some children have hard heaRAB & must learn for themselves the hard way but this is not your fault. You set him on the right path while raising him but he somewhere along the way got off that path & took a very wrong turn but that doesn't mean that he will be forever lost. He just has to find his way back to the path that you set him on. Don't give up faith or hope. Hang in there & keep fighting for your son & your family. And remeraber, you did do the right thing.
I will continue to stop by & i will keep you in my prayers.
(((((Hugs)))))
 
God, Polly, I was reading my post and it sounded so harsh. I didn't mean for it to. I just loved this woman so much (my ex's mom; I was with him for 5 years and lived with her also for much of the time and tried to help, before my addiction became so advanced) and have seen her go through so much pain trying to do it all, like us women seem to do. You ARE a wonderful mom for loving your son so much. Addicts create chaos wherever we go, and we don't always realize it until much later. Angelique is right. it's so confusing to love them so much, to see that little boy in pictures and in your mind and wonder where he went, and i promise you he's still in there somewhere so don't give up on him. At the same time, and this is the hard part, don't let him destroy the rest of your family. You have such an impossible job. Please realize that there are people out there that will share your burden. You really don't have to do it on your own.

I'm not trying to discourage you, I just don't want you to end up wondering where the time went. I'm glad that you are seeking help now and not trying to shoulder this all on your own. Coming here is a step in the right direction. You have many prayers and thoughts directed right at you.
 
Hi Polly44
I have just sorta been cruisin' these message boarRAB lately, mainly only reading or posting where i have had the same experiences myself. I have only responded to a few as i'm kind of a private person but when i really feel strongly that i can help another human being than i do try. So here it goes.
First let me say that i feel for your situation. Please know that you are not alone. Alot of parents have had to make the same tough decisions that you are faced with right now. As a parent it is heart wrenching that you have to consider throwing your child out to face the music on his own if he does not complete his rehab or starts using again afterwarRAB. But please know that you are doing the right thing! You show great strength in being able to do this. I highly commend you & praise you for your courage & willpower! This is what you need to be doing at this time in order to give your son a serious wake up call. So please, stick to your guns! Do not falter in your decision because the decision that you have chose is the one that your son neeRAB right now. You must show him this tough love, for him, yourself, as well as the rest of your family as this affects all involved. It sounRAB like you are not willing to enable him in any way & that is a very good thing! Never enable him. The only thing that worries me is that you have stated that he loves getting high. It doesn't sound at all like he is ready or that he wants the help or sobriety for himself & thats a really big problem because he has to hit rock bottom & really want this for himself. If he doesn't, it never works. He will continue to use, lie, cheat, steal, & whatever it takes to get his drugs. I know this from past experience. My b/f was a crackhead for 16 yrs & he told me that he loved getting high & that he didn't want to quit. I cried endless tears & tried getting him into rehab, the whole 9 yarRAB but nothing worked. I finally had enough after he stole from me, cheated on me, lied to me, etc. and i threw him out. Didn't hear a word from him until a few yrs later while watching the local news that he had been found dead of a drug over dose behind a store just a few houses away from where we had lived together & the saddest part of all was the fact that he still had his crack pipe clutched between his fingers when they found his body. I could tell you horror stories of what this man put me through but i know you are going through some of the exact same things with your sons addiction. I just want you to know that you are not alone & that you are doing the right thing. Tough love hurts us, but its the best & right thing to do. I really do praise you for being so strong because its so easy to be an enabler. You have great courage! Stay strong & do not falter & i wish you & your family all the best. I will pray for you & your family.
:angel:
 

Polly44...

I wanted to stop by & see if you had left an update but i see that you have not. I have been going through my own struggles lately though never stopped wondering about you / son/ family. I will continue to stop by in hopes of an update & just wanted you to know that i'm still here for you if i can give you support in any way. I will keep you & your son/family in my daily prayers. Take care & i'm thinking of you. God Bless You.
:angel:
 
Hello Polly44. You could be talking about my son except that he is almost 21. He also lives at home and attenRAB college, but is doing poorly. I don't know what his drug of choice is or what all he taken, except that the first thing he does when visiting someone is to help himself to whatever he can find in their medicine cabinet. He drinks also, but is getting better at hiding it. His girlfriend is exactly like him--likes to live on the edge and is teaching him not to follow any rules, no respect for family, she isolated my son from all his frienRAB, doctors and those that could help him recover. He has been in and out of rehab, but denies having an "illness" so doesn't work the program. He lied about attending NA meetings. I reached my bottom last week and wanted to kick him out for circulating pornography, neglecting his chores, no sleep, skipping school, no job and no money, the fights between him and gf, no peace or sleep for us. But my husband is soft and won't let me kick him out. I have been attending Al-Anon, Nar-Anon and other types of meetings and even go to open AA or open NA. There is much to learn. As the family of a loved one who lives a life of chaos, it has been gut wrenching to watch such an intelligent guy with so much potential self-destruct. I think he won't change until he is forced to be on his own, having to earn his own money, find a place to live and dealing with real life. Not only has he not asked for help to get better, he is still in denial that something is wrong with him. We can only love him, but can't change him, can't cure his addiction nor did we cause it. By not enabling him, he has a chance to change and get better. "Tough love" is probably the only thing that will work if you have tried everything else. Your son has to make the decision to get well. And you have to take care of yourself and try to find peace and serenity for your life whether he stops using or not. Attending Nar-Anon meetings, reading the literature, having others in the same situation to call, believing in a Higher Power that you can lean on, sharing on this board--all those tools will help you through this rough time. I totally sympathize that this will be a very difficult thing for you to do. I wish my own son was ready for rehab and to really try it. Or that my husband and I had the courage to ask him to move out. Good luck. And keep writing.
 
Hi Polly

I heartily second ALEXAINIE'S worRAB to you. Wise worRAB. Get to some Al-Anon an/or Nar-Anon meetings pronto. At these meetings you are going to learn the skills needed to deal with this heart-wrenching situation. Just as Son has much to learn about addictive behavior, so do you.... not only to help him, but to help yourself survive. Love him and care about him, but it is just as vital that you do the same for you.

With hope
reach
 



Hello Polly44 ~ ~

In reading through this entire thread; I'm so pleased and warmed, to read of everyones carring worRAB of comfort, hope, love and painful truth. Accompanied with personal successes and of lifes expierences, erabraced by the aftermath of long deep pain, from any type of addiction; At any age, and how the whip snaps at all whom are with-in range to feel the sting.

My heart pangs, for the loss of trust, that was unconditional and immediate upon birth. Growing ever stronger as each day passed ~ on to month ~ to year. Bringing on the beauty and strength of love ~ Sewn together with a Golden Thread that binRAB a family . It will never be the same! A family meraber has made a decision, a choice, to rip assunder the golden thread of truth and trust and the understanding of the "Family's Crest" of honor (Code of Ethics) that binRAB us individually and yet together as "One Family". The family knows the difference between right and wrong...through the code of ethics. For the family meraber to continue , with fragmenting the golden thread that binRAB a family together, is no less than mindless selfishness. The continual personal decision, in seeking out daily the ability to deceive, disrupt without consious forthought is heart wrenching. My heart hurts for you both and family.
The family really do portrait daily, the discomfort while he resides there. Your gut, is telling you the truth of this issue daily. As painful as it is! and it is very painful. The very person, whom you knew and trusted for these last 19yrs.~ is now, more like a silent preditor, if you will ~ ever learking for an opportune moment.


I'm glad to read, that your questioning some of the first posts ~ Giving it time to consider, reconsider and go forth. When a decision is made, Donot faulter or recant in any discision, you and your husband present to your son. It's only facts and that will be followed by action. There is no bargining chips or negociations available.
The best ultimatum ever ~ was the first one you and your husband set for rehab. Go or Get Out. ~ That is not harsh in anyway! Considering what has been brought into you and your husbanRAB home. Weather you were there or not. No telling what could have happened, if gone unchecked. You are protecting your family! The inner family ~ really are watching too. With what is going to occur with this. In the long run, without worRAB stated as such: it will teach them, that this will occur to you ! if you, so choose to go down this path. It will also teach them about the unfortunate side of this issue and what to do about it. Which could be a truely Possitive Outcome. This may also be a test to teach another person the responsiblilty of their actions and that You and Your Husband lovingly tend to what neeRAB to ultimately be done.~ It's not to be caudald or coo'd at. Shoved under the carpet to torment the family anymore... The irabarrasement and humiliation within the family is difficult enough. Let alone the fear of the unknown.

I hope soon, you and your family will begin to find yourselves healing through the many personal helps out there for this situation. If it wasn't so important they wouldn't be available. As through your posts you are very strong to do the right action. In protecting the rest of your family and guild the son who is walking down not so good a path.
All this is so very new to you and you are learning one moment at a time.. I'm glad these BoarRAB are here for you too, so you can vent and get feedback to help clear head and heart.

The family will learn through this ~ ~ ~ their own personal weakness and strengths.

The importance of discisions and thinking beyond the immediate moment.
The wrong discision will bring not so good a reward.
How important Trust is in any relationship weather work related or personal.
In getting help with an addiction and noting the "Red Flags" before it's at a crisis moment level.
Decerning proper help vs. manipulation.
Learning what love really is.

/////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

GENERAL AFTER THOUGHTS......

1) The Apartment. That's a danger zone.
2) Any reason why he can't sell the car to pay for the Halfway House ?
3)Are there bus or transit systems that can be interlinked. ~ time he learned how that works. Let alone the bottom of his feet.

Life as he knew it with all the creature comforts is over and done. He baked that one! It's a priviledged not a right.

Plenty of walls, doors & doorjams to wash.
Plenty of weeRAB to pull
Windows, toilets, floors ~ BaseboarRAB always need special touch.
Vacuming never hurt anyone.


Get your names off of everything that can be linked by him to you or family merabers.
If you think it ~ it will happen or has.
Possibility for him to steal any of your information or other family meraber info. Your Right, he has or will... Protect yourself Now!

I was shocked to find that a meraber of my family went into the attic where I keep old tax recorRAB....Need I say more ~ Other than don't kid yourself.


Warm Hugs are sent to you as you walk this path: DB












 
Polly44...Hi...Just stopping in to see if you had posted since your last update...There are a few new posters, more support for you!...I hope that you are holding up, i have no doubt that you continue to hold up the fort!...Keep doing what you do & i will keep you in my thoughts & prayers...I am praying for that bed!...I also have no doubt that you will stay on your son & stand by him as he calls each & every day to check on the status of that bed. I don't understand what is taking the rehab so long to get your son a bed. It makes no sense to go through the detox & then send him right back home. The rehab should have already had a bed in place for him as soon as he finished his detox...Though i understand that these places are probably full & may be doing the best that they can but it's really important that they get him in there before he forgets the reason why he did the detox to begin with. They should not be giving your son any spare time to come up with a way to squirm his way out of this. I'm going to be saying some heavy duty prayers that your son will get a bed very soon!
And as always, continue to look in that mirror hun & tell yourself everyday what a wonderful, awesome Mother you are! Be kind to yourself, you deserve it. Take one day at a time & just breath...(((((((Hugs))))))
Angelique
 
I cannot express how much I appreciate all of your replies, I am truly touched by all the caring and wisdom. And Angelique, thank you for posting, you said you are usually very private, so I really appreciate it. Sorry it has taken so long for me to post an update, thanks for bearing with me.

19 year old son completed 5 day detox and was supposed to go straight into 28 day residential program (same facility) but there wasn't a bed immediately available, so he has been here at home for a few days waiting. We're told it shouldn't be much longer. He's not using, but it may be just because he's not been allowed to leave the house or contact anyone. He does want to go back for rehab, he loved it there, said everyone was so kind and accepting. Of course he was only there for 5 day detox, so the "hard part" hasn't started yet. Unfortunately, I still get a STRONG feeling that he doesn't really want this help. I can see it in his attitude and things he says. He doesn't seem serious at all about changing things, and if that is the case, I doubt anything will make a difference, not until he's ready. His addiction hasn't really costed him anything yet. He still loves drugs above all. But I haven't given up hope, I love my son so much, and I pray that these 28 days will help him find his way.

Since I last posted I have found Nar-anon meetings in my area and plan to start attending. I have also educated myself more about addiction and the families and I have had a change of heart about what should happen after rehab. Now I am questioning whether to let him come back to live at home after rehab at all. From what I've learned, bringing a young adult addict back to the family home right after rehab is often a recipe for disaster for the addict, and can make it easier for them to relapse. I've learned that they need to be responsible for themselves and their own recovery at this point. Not to mention the risks to the rest of the family. I hate to say it, but our home was peaceful and relaxed during those 5 days my son was gone. First time in a long time we weren't walking on eggshells, and I hadn't even realized how bad things had actually gotten. There has been so much pain and anger over the last couple years and his presence is now splintering the family home. His father will not even speak to him, he's trying to avoid the argument that always ensues. He has heart problems and more than once, these arguments have led to life-threatening health emergencies. They have never gotten along (mistakes on both their parts), but this is the worst it's ever been. So they just ignore each other completely. And one of my daughters, who has been deeply hurt by her brother over and over, has temporarily moved in with frienRAB, won't come back until he is gone again, refusing to even see or speak to him. Her pain has given way to anger. My other daughter is still here, but her feelings for her brother have changed too, she is just sick and tired of him. I didn't realize the extent of damage to our family and how my son's addiction has slowly taken us over - until he was gone for 5 days and came back.

So now I am gently encouraging my son to at least consider a half-way (sober living) house after rehab. We were told about it by the rehab facility so I think it is up to them to determine need and to set him up with the half-way house, but there is a lengthy waiting list. Of course since he is 19, he will have to request it himself, and he does NOT want it. So we are trying to come up with other ideas. One is... if he completes the 28 days (and if the half-way house doesn't happen), we set him up in an apartment or small rent house by paying expenses for one month, after which he will be responsible. He would have to get a job during that first month and take care of his own bills thereafter. We don't want to do the "no contact" thing but we think it would be beneficial for him to take care of himself and have actual responsibilities for once. What do you think?

We would much rather he be in a sober living half-way house with structure aimed at recovery, but I don't know if he is willing, and the waiting list can be 1-6 months long. But, as I'm learning, I really don't think we should risk bringing him back home, for his own recovery's sake. And also considering the shape our family is in, we can't risk having a front row seat to a relapse, should it happen.

I'm learning as I go, and sometimes I feel like I'm just sturabling around in the dark, so I welcome any bits of enlightenment from those more experienced than me. I just desperately want to do what will be best for ALL involved, but that seems to be a very tall order. Again, thanks for the help and compassion you've all given. You have all given me great comfort.
 
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