Fuck my childhood, fuck child abuse, it fucking sucks ass

M

Mrs. Chris Brown

New member
There's a lot to say about a guy showing the signs of a rape victim without being raped.

I grew up in fucking Redneck, shithole, Indianapolis, Indiana. I was born in Cleveland Ohio.

As soon as I started Kindergarten, shit started hitting the fan. They put me in my own class, with just me, because I couldn't follow directions.

First grade was actually quite enjoyable. My teacher loved me. She thought I was brilliant and sweet. This was before I started my downward spiral of drugs and other crap.

Second grade was a complete 180. My teacher hated me. I hated her. The students were not fond of me. And they weren't assholes either.

Third grade was when the fucked up shit began. I switched schools and was put into a program for smarter kids. The students were really rough.

Fourth grade, however, was the coup de gra of shit.

Have you ever had 60 students, a whole fucking bus, turn on you for no fucking reason but to have fun? Have you ever been backstabbed by every female you know? Every "friend" you had? What if these two groups plotted out pranks and humiliation?

You ever been brainwashed into thinking you're worthless? No?! Get out! I went from high self esteem to beyond suicidal in MONTHS.

Being brainwashed is having your sould ripped out of you and replaced. And it's the most horrible feeling in the world. I know another person who has gone through brainwashing. He agrees with me on that stance.

I can't even remember most of the incidents anymore due to the psych drugs I was on at the time.

That's the worst part. I can't rationalize it. I have nothing to rationalize. All I know is that women still scare the fuck out of me, I (possibly) have multiple personalities, a 17 year old man and a 7 year old boy with low self esteem, and the second one only comes out when my bipolar is out of whack and I recieve affection, something I NEVER FUCKING HAD AS A KID BECAUSE I WAS ALWAYS FIGHTING WITH MY FUCKING PARENTS WHO HAD ZERO FUCKING CLUE HOW TO RAISE AN AUTISTIC CHILD.

The worst part is that that second persona comes out regardless of sex. Whoever is showing me affection gets it...on my option. I can curb it. Thank God. That's why I wonder if I do have multiple personalities, because I can suppress my false one.

I also have other issues now. I realized that my parents don't do research on a disorder when I'm diagnosed, they do a half-assed job, and Aspergers and bipolar proved that.

You don't fucking talk to an autistic kid in figures of speech, YOU STUPID-ASS MOTHERFUCKERS, ANYONE KNOWS THAT ASPERGERS KIDS CAN'T FUCKING PICK UP ON SOCIAL CUES, AND PART OF MY FEAR OF WOMEN IS DUE TO THE FACT THAT MY MOM WOULD FLIP OUT ON ME AS A KID, SCARE THE FUCK OUT OF ME, BECAUSE I HAD NO CLUE WHAT I SAID WAS BAD.

The worst part is that they feel they've done a good job. I don't hold grudges. This is the only grudge I hold.

Also, what's weird is I hold on to everything that pleased me as a kid, because there was very little happiness for me. All my Far Side books. All my video games, CD's, and toys.

They all have setimental value for me. It's just immesurable.

If any of it would be destroyed by some asshole, I'd flip my shit. And if they broke or stole my Sega Genesis I'd fucking go Charles Manson on their ass. That machine was easily 50% of my childhood and my main escape during those three rough years. It very well may have saved my life. I would go home and just disconnect myself from that fucked up world...I wouldn't have been able to do that without her.
 
Descent, speaking as a kid with Asperger's, a kid who's been diagnosed as severly depressed and been accused of being bipolar, and someone who has been turned on by a large crowd of people all at the same time, I gotta say it's a rant like your own that makes me feel glad I'm not alone and I'll let you know that you're not alone either(obviously). I've never been medicated, I've never been able to enjoy recreational drugs much or anything, but I have been put in a smart kid program(or creative kids or something, I don't know), was given my own set of school work in first grade because for some reason I was ahead of the other kids I guess. I remember being in second grade and having my teacher send me to a counselor, lie to me about why I was there, then not tell my parents at all before doing this. I remember another time she also yelled at me for "not coloring dark enough" on some assignment...so because I'm not like the other students and I don't like to mash my god damn crayon on the paper as dark as I can and smudge colors everywhere making the drawing look ugly as shit, I have to do an assignment over? What the hell?

I don't know what's different in your case though, but I wasn't diagnosed with anything until about a year ago. I remember my mom telling me she fought with doctors for years who insisted nothing was wrong with me, then when I was told I had stuff, I was put in an IEP and some special preschool. Then later they decided I was fine and took me off all that stuff and I went through public school from kindergarten on. I remember the gradual decline of grades in junior high and high school...hell, they didn't even think I was going to graduate by my senior year. I must have had at least five parent/teacher conferences, all my teachers going "Oh you're too smart to be doing this" blah blah blah, that last conference must have had at least 15 fucking people, myself, both my parents, a few teachers, a vice principal, my guidance counselor, head of guidance, head of resource, the doctor who diagnosed me with Asperger's, so two months before my senior year was set to end they pulled me out of my English class which I was going to fail anyway(my year average was probably somewhere in the 30s at this point) and put me in tutoring which I actually did quite well in, and finished it over the summer. After that, I tried a course at a community college, but I didn't realize what I needed was some form of structure and this was a class where there weren't really any teachers, you went in on your own time and did the work at your own pace...I did well the first week and a half or so, but when my car broke down and I couldn't really go, I didn't see the point of bothering anymore because nobody really gave a shit that I wasn't showing up and I had nobody to report to. So I started working full time, had a panic attack and quit, went unemployed for a month, had panic attacks and got a new job, working a new job now, looking for a new one already because I don't like working at 3:30 in the morning. I had one earlier this week and got sent home from work early, tried to talk to my mom about it, it ends up turning into an argument where I get yelled at, so I get in the car and drive three hours to New York for no reason other than some lapse of sanity.

So my final word is, no you're not alone. Life just isn't easy for guys like us, I guess. Not that it's particularly easy for anybody, but...well, you know.
 
I can't say that I have been in your exact positions, but I have had some realtive things and I just wanted to say that you guys are strong for sticking it out. Being looked at like you are different can be life shattering. My little brother suffers with severe emotional distress. They thought it was aspergers and then they thought it was autism. We aren't completey sure what it is yet. It is so hard watching him grow up. :( He's 12 now and just in that stage where kids are looking at him like he is "weird."

I'm sorry for the stuff you guys struggle through. :( I myself was sexually abused as a child (not from my parents). I also have Obessive Complusive Disorder, a small case of Tourettes Syndrome, and horrible Attention Defecit Hyperactive Disorder. I was always looked at as the outcast untill the end of highschool. I don't have many friends now, and those might be the reasons why.

You guys aren't alone, like Lampy said. It is a horrible discomfort knowing that you aren't like other people. However, there are a few "un-normals" sitting right here. When things get hard, the best thing to do is talk about it. I'm always on the computer. I'm always reachable. If you guys ever need to let it out but don't want to make it public...I'm here. :hug2:
 
Jane Deere, that's fucking horrible. I feel for your brother so much it's not even funny. Stick by him and comfort him...trust me. I never had that as a kid.

Who sexually abused you, anyway? I'd like to bash his fucking face in...
 
I wish I lived with my brother. The poor kid goes home from school every day and sits by himself and plays video games and stuff because my ex-step mom is always working. They used to live with his grandma but they moved out because my ex step-mom and her couldnt get along. He would sit there in his room and hear them screaming and fighting. Whenever I poke fun at the poor boy he starts to cry. After that I feel HORRIBLE. His mom denies that he has a problem and she didn't want him having a "label." He would always fall behind in class, had bad grades, and had trouble socially interacting.

My *current* step mom finally put her foot down and said that he needs help. Of course, that brings on more arguments and what not, but it needs to be done. My dad is doing a good job of calling my brother after school ever day as well. I think maybe I should start doing it too. I want to be his guardian so bad, but I'm not old enough and I don't have the money for it. :(
 
I think all of you are great people just for not giving up. You seem to have strong character just for sticking this life out. I think that is awesome, so many people give up on life that it's just ridiculous. I mean yeah life is tough once in a while but it is for evryone and you can find help and others to turn to because a lot of people can relate.

I can somewhat relate to you. In 1st grade gym class, the teacher pulled me aside and said I had to sit out (we were playing basketball) and I was so upset beceause I absolutely loved to play basketball. So I sat it out and he made me stay after the class left. He said he needed to do some tests because he thought something was not right about me. I was confused and didn't understand but I got to throw a football, run and hit a baseball with a bat so I didn't give a shit because I loved sports more than anything. So about a week later he contacted my parents and told them he thought I should be checked out by a doctor. My parents brought me to my dad's doctor and they did a bunch of tests and shit. Two years later I was diagnosed with Muscular Dystrophy. Turns out that my muscles are deteriorating and they said I would probably need a wheelchair by the time I turned 12. Well, I'm 20 years old and I just got my first wheelchair. Mostly because I don't feel safe walking concidering how incredibly bad my balance is and people are inconciderate and push me for no reason at all. My biggest fear is falling in an open area with nothing around for me to pull myself up with.

Would I change any of this? Would I rather be "normal"? Honestly, no I wouldn't. I wouldn't change my life for anything. I have a strong personality because of it and I have learned a lot that I otherwise probably would have never known. Like how goddamn hard it is to pick up a glass of water to take a drink, or how hard it is to tie my shoes. Just simple shit like that that people take for granted. I don't know what the hell I would do if I was "normal" and had muscles and could walk decent. How would I cope? I'm so used to this lifestyle now. It'd be tough.

Does anyone else feel that way?
 
I have the opportunity to be "popular" and "cool" but I always turn it down. There's something that has been holding me back my whole life and I can't figure it out.
 
KraziKrisi, you are more strong than I. Living with MS is a daily challenge and I look up to you for your strength. Ya know, the bad things that happend to us in the past make us who we are now. Without the crap that happend to me when I was young, I don't think I would be the caring, understanding, forgiving person that I am. I'm not exactly thankful or happy that things like that happend in the past, but I am proud of who I came to be.
 
Thanks Jane. It's actually MD, not MS. MS is something with the resporitory system or something. I don't know really lol but people get MD and MS mixed up all the time or they think it's the same thing. But it is a daily challenge but I love a good challenge. Just give put a huge snow pile behind my van and tell me I have to move it myself if I want to drive my van. Damn straight I'd do it, it'd take me 3 hours but I'd get 'er done lol. (I hate that saying with a passion lol).

You are completely correct, we are who we are because of what we've been through. You are a very sweet person, Jane. I am proud of who you came to be too :)
 
DOH! MD. sorry lol i am tired and must have read it wrong. I know a little boy with MD. he wanted to be a big time basketball player. :( i'm proud of you who are too. :) but you know...I can do all things in He who strengthens me.
 
Oh that's cool, what kind of MD does he have? I wanted to be a big time basketball player too. But I get to be a big time Computer Programmer instead lol.
 
Before I read this thread, I clicked "edit", then I clicked "find in page", and then I searched for "Sega" and then it found it. How did I know? :rotflmao:

But seriously Descent, that sucks.
 
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