From another to an Author?

C

Catolina

New member
How does this sound to you:

There was quick rush of air, rustle of leaves on a tree and then a bang like a gun being fired. There was blackness and blankness like I was thrown in the deepest and coldest part of a cellar without a clue in the world. I felt a sickening feeling and my mind started to restart like a computer reboots, the screen goes blank then the lights flick on and everything starts working. My mind flickered on and that’s when I felt the pain. I shot up screaming bloody murder, I put my hand to my head and felt it damp and sticky, I screamed louder.
 
It's good. I love the way you can almost feel what's going on in this paragraph. Just from what you wrote, you know that it must be autumn and you know that something sinister is going on and it's intriguing to know why. So it's what will keep people reading. The only thing I'd change is when you say, "then a bang like a gun being fired". I'd change that because for one thing it's not a complete sentence. Read back over it. Another reason to change it is because it appears that it really is a gun being fired and when you use a metaphor, you can't use it literally. Unless I'm completely wrong and it's not a gun at all, but it's how I read it.
I think it's good and I hope that this has helped and good luck with your writing. :)
 
It's good. I love the way you can almost feel what's going on in this paragraph. Just from what you wrote, you know that it must be autumn and you know that something sinister is going on and it's intriguing to know why. So it's what will keep people reading. The only thing I'd change is when you say, "then a bang like a gun being fired". I'd change that because for one thing it's not a complete sentence. Read back over it. Another reason to change it is because it appears that it really is a gun being fired and when you use a metaphor, you can't use it literally. Unless I'm completely wrong and it's not a gun at all, but it's how I read it.
I think it's good and I hope that this has helped and good luck with your writing. :)
 
It's good. I love the way you can almost feel what's going on in this paragraph. Just from what you wrote, you know that it must be autumn and you know that something sinister is going on and it's intriguing to know why. So it's what will keep people reading. The only thing I'd change is when you say, "then a bang like a gun being fired". I'd change that because for one thing it's not a complete sentence. Read back over it. Another reason to change it is because it appears that it really is a gun being fired and when you use a metaphor, you can't use it literally. Unless I'm completely wrong and it's not a gun at all, but it's how I read it.
I think it's good and I hope that this has helped and good luck with your writing. :)
 
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