Follow your heart... straight into hell....

T

tayloranne xoxo

New member
People say "follow your heart", and sadly many people will do it... blindly. Terrorists follow their heart, truly believing they are doing the right thing. Hitler followed his heart. This is the back drop for my rant on life. This will be long and complicated and I'm sure I'll leave out important things, but I'll try to get it all together, I need to think about this.

I have an old and very close friend, who I have always known to have a problem. He was sexually assaulted very young, and it twisted him up inside. Technically he's a virgin, because he hasn't put it in any girls, but the Sky's the limit on everything else. His neglectful parents allowed him to be used sexually by many older girls (he was 5 and 6, they 11 -14) over a period of over a year, and so instead of it being a dream, as some men would imagine, it has turned his sexuality into a nightmare.

The one time he followed his heart, he ended up nearly molesting his niece, not in the traditional intercourse and such, but it may have gone that far if it hadn't been stopped. She was a willing 13 year old, he was in his mid 20's, and he really felt that his heart was guiding him to love. He was wrong, and people like that are known as child molesters. It has torn his entire family, and life apart, and he never even pulled out his dick. His niece hates him as the anti-christ incarnate, even though at the time, she was a willing participant.

I realize that in many places, and in history, women of 13 could be believed to make such decisions, hell even marry and have kids. Modern times have changed things a bit, and shed light on sexuality in new and I believe beneficial ways. I agree with the laws that prevent adults from thinking 12 and 13 year olds "love them" and then have sex with them.

Well then he turned his "heart" toward my own daughter when she was 13. I saw the signs, was even warned by members of his own family, and I interceded in time. So life went on. NOW, she's 18 and he actually asked me if he could "take her out, you know, to like hang by the river or something some time." She's still very immature for her age in many ways, and of course, life cursed the whole situation with giving my daughter the looks of a much younger girl. He didn't mean "Can I date your daughter", at least that is probably what he's convinced himself. I see it for what it is, and I see the way he acts around her. I told her in no uncertain terms exactly what his intentions are, even though he truly and deeply is an honest and trustworthy guy. I'd trust my life to him, and have. He's helped us so many times. But apparently I can't trust my daughter with him. Fear not readers, there is a 0.0 percent chance I would leave her alone with him, at least for a few more years until she has enough experience with men to take care of herself.

So now life, ahhhhh life, has thrown this wonderful curve at me. I thought it was over, and I thought I used my smarts to win the day. I'm so alone in this. I'm so fucking destroyed by this. I hate the human condition. I hate that people say that shitty little phrase "follow your heart" and then too many people take it literally. This man I know, who I fucking love, who is so wise and great in many many ways... but enter the "heart" meaning "horny" and all good intentions, all wisdom, all sanity, just fucking flies out the window.

I will in no uncertain terms tell him "No". I hope he never even asks for an answer. But knowing this shitty reality, he will. So I will just simply say No and try to change the subject. Then, of course, it will eat at him. He'll have to ask why. I will say "Let's not discuss it, let's just leave it at No." Then he will hopefully back off, and let it pass. But most likely he'll keep at it. Then, readers, I will be forced to tell him that his "Obvious sexual interest in my daughter is troubling me and it would be better for everyone if he doesn't be put in a situation where anything could ever happen." Then he will probably stop being my friend, and I will miss him. He's an oversensitive baby sometimes, and my "lack of trust" in him will just make him go ape shit. Hell he probably even believes it's all innocent, but I know him better than he knows himself. Yes I will fucking miss him.

He's never actually molested anyone, and he's fought the urge for his entire life, and it will never go away. The problem stems from when he is in long periods of contact with a young girl, who wants to be with him, and shows him affection, especially hugs and kisses, sitting right next to him, etc. They unknowingly fuel a fucked up feeling of "she really likes me" and he takes it all wrong or right depending on your definition and her budding sexuality. He's never forced himself on anyone, my wife who hates everyone, and knows all the above, still trusts him. He would never rape any kid, anywhere. Still, my immature daughter might decide to go along with him, if I allowed the situation to happen, which I WONT. There's the rub. She's young and crazy, and his attentions could interest her. I talked it over with her, and she was like "Well I don't like him like that", but she sends off all the wrong signals, and so who knows what she might do after a few beers on the lake after laughing and playing all day???

Why the FUCK do I have to deal with this for? Why the hell do things like this keep happening to me? How the hell can I keep this up? Why does sex have to ruin so much about life? FUCK I am just so sick of it. All people ever talk about it seems is "boobies" and sex, especially in IRC heh. SEX SEX SEX. Even I have no problem with looking over at a girl, not going by age, and saying "Wow, she's hot." But there's a huge fucking difference between noticing, and ACTING upon those thoughts. But when "you follow your heart", all bets are off.

It's not just this situation, it's the whole thing! So many friends I've lost who have changed because of sex. So many horrible relationships, so many heart breaks, so much suffering, so that one mammal can stick it's dick in another. FUCK. We're monkies who wear pants, and if people can't see we evolved from monkies, how blind can you be? LOOK! It's all sex and violence baby.

So the next time you feel truly right, that your heart is in it, please, use that other organ... your brain. If it seems like something is probably a really bad idea, but your "heart" is telling you different, please give your brain a chance. So much suffering could be solved if we'd simply evolve past following our oft misguided hearts all the time.
 
Well JL.. It seems to me like a very fucked up situation.

I've been in a similiar sitatution to what you're describing recently, sex does change a lot of things. I was seeing a guy and then he saw another girl for two days, they slept together and suddnely I was too close a friend to do anything with. Bullshit, you were thinking with your dick and she put out.

JL it's definately a sticky situation, I don't really know what to suggest, but if you are at all worried, you need to make sure that he doesn't get the chance of being alone with her and asking her to the river, or out.

Your daughter may well say "she doesnt like him in that way" but all girls flirt and she might not notice it at all but she is gently fueling this problem.

I'm sure he is a great guy like you said, and this unfortunate life he's been given has just fucked up every type of "normal" view he could ever have.

I think you will need to say to your daughter the facts and make sure she knows that if she does agree to a day out with him, what position she will put herself in.

Do you think she will still agree to a day out with him even if she knows that? I don't personally know what shes like.

Like you said, we can only hope he gets the hint and leaves it.
 
What a sticky situation this is!

Your friend needs the attention and your daughter is giving just that. You've mentioned that part in your post so I know you understand that part.

On the other hand, from your daughter's point of view, this is practice. She's at an age where flirting is the same as talking. For her, it's exciting that an older man has taken such interest in her. She tells you she's not interested in him "that" way, but with all honesty that's only said to help you feel better, maybe even something said to convince herself as well. If she hangs out with him, beer or no beer involved, she may just allow a relationship to grow just because it's cool to have an older, mature man by her side. She is a lot more innocent than your friend and that's something she will not understand. He's older-yes, wiser-maybe, troubled....beyond something that she can fix adn truly realize. She's not old enough to understand the dynamics of a troubled, older man. For her it's like a conquest; If she can fix him, she's become a woman. I wouldn't deny that she's truly likes this guy and he in return, but she needs to be made aware that you aren't stopping her from having this relationship simply because she's too young and he's your friend, but because of the dangers she'd be walking in to. He will break her heart at some point because another girl of age will give him enough attention to convince him she's even better for him. You will get hurt because theings will get weird between you and your friend as well as your daughter, then there's the age difference. Dating an older man is not as easy as it may seem. There are different needs with age. Then there's the issue of past abuse. You just don't know if at some point he's going to snap. What might happen if your daughter breaks his heart? Will he snap and hurt her? Will he rape her or do something absolutely insane? He may seem well behaved now and fairly together, but when past issues resurface, sometimes the result is beyond imagination and that is something you really need to worry about. I doubt he'd hurt her intentionally, but sexual abuse...especially the amount he's had in the past, is not something that can easily be corrected and in most cases are never completely cured.

Definitely put the breaks on this relationship. She'll claim you do not understand and rebel if you don't stop it from growing now. You do need to talk with him about how you feel about his interest in your daughter. Tell him you understand he likes her and undersand how wonderful it feels to be cared for, but she is your daughter and that is something that is off limits to any of your friends. He's no exception to that rule. Make sure he understands that this is nothing against him (truly it is but he doesn't need to know that) but you just can not accept any of your friends dating your daughter. You don't want to lose him as af riend and allowing him to date your daughter will ruin that friendship. If he values your friendship, he may actually respect your wishes and not allow any further feelings surface when he's with your daughter. I agree, do not let them be alone ever. He may not be able to control his urges since she's someone he's going to be facing for a long time during his lifetime for as long as you and he are friends.
 
There is a huge difference betwween following your heart and following your crotch.

In this instance, your friend needs to get help for what was done to him as a child. I'm betting that no one got him the help he needed at the time, or since. This wasn't his fault, all were children, even the 11 to 14 year old girls. I find it amazing that 11 to 14 year old girls were engaging in sexual acts with a 5 year old boy. The whole situation is just wrong.

Instead of just worrying about your daughter, suggest that your friend get the help he never got as a child. It was not his fault, but you can't blame children of 11 - 14 either. If the parents of these girls knew something sexual was going on they (the parents) should have been punished at the time. What the hell. This is all just amazing to me.

Don't get me wrong JL, I'm not upset with you. The situation that you described just upsets me on many levels. If you truely cherish the friendship with this guy, then tell him that he needs to get help, counseling for what was done to him as a child. You might even get a consultation on how to approach him about this first. Just keeping your daughter away from him isn't enough. He needs help so that he can have a normal sexual experience in his life. Sex is not bad if all parties involved have a healthy image of themselves and others to bring to the relationship.
 
I feel like I should have some long, meaningful something to say in response to this... but I don't. Your friend really sounds like he needs some therapy. Screwy's right, though. Despite anything in connection with his past, he shouldn't be wanting to date your daughter.
 
"There is a huge difference betwween following your heart and following your crotch." Vezza

Quoting Vezza here, because it's a definite truism.

There is absolutely nothing that says you can't decide that it would be inappropriate for your friends to "date" your daughter. Remember that you're the parent here - and if your daughter is a bit too naive to handle some situations, it's up to you to make those choices for her. The time will come soon enough that she will no longer listen to your advice/guidelines.

For your friend, I agree with the suggestion for counseling. It's never too late to try and heal a wound, like the psychological scarring your friend lives with.
 
The unfortunate part is that you can't spend the rest of your life being a cop.
If she wants to ride the bologna pony, she will, and there won't be a thing you can do about it.

Just be glad you KNOW this guy, as compared to some scum bag she drags in off the street.
 
I'm sorry with the situation but the fact is he wants her so here is what I would do. Your daughter doesn't like him like that, so have her find someone her age, that you trust to go on a date with. Show your friend that she likes who ever shes going on a date with and suggest to your friend to find someone else. It might work.. and avoid having your daughter and your friend near each other. I really cannot think of anything else.. I hope everything goes well for you.
 
Thanks guys, really. My daughter was dating a guy for a while, and my friend was totally sandoffish, hell, probably jealous. I hate to say it, but I hope she finds another boyfriend who is cool some time soon.

Also, this guy did go for therapy. They promptly turned him in to the police and had him arrested, and they threw the book at him. The family and the neice both had no interest in filing charges, and they fought to make it go away. The police forced them into testifying and he was nearly put in jail. He was also made to register as a "child molester" for 10 years. All this and he never pulled his dick out, and there was never any nudity involved. SOOO there is no chance in fucking hell he would ever go to a therapist again, of any sort.

They put his neice in therapy and she came out of it blaming my friend for every evil that ever happened to her. Her own father raped and molested her for many years, and she hates my friend more than him. She more than hates him, and has written letters to the paper, and to the Government about what an evil sick man he is who should be locked away or killed. Nice huh?
 
Theres a man down the road, very good friends with my dad, but he makes me feel uncomfortable. Has ever since I was a young teen. He's the only one who I'll hide from if he comes to the house, no matter what im wearing, I'll hide. Being the daughter in the situation can be fucked up all on it's own.
 
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