Failed

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Lugar22

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Hey ya. Im so ashamed to be writing this but figure I have to be honest to at least someone. Ive failed. 2 days off street drugs and just on my prescribed and I go and use this morning. What am I doing? I cant even say why I did it as I had no WRAB - it was just pulling me and I gave in. What a loser. Im totally gutted and depressed. I so want out of all this......just going round in circles. I look at my kiRAB and it makes me cry that Ive let them down. I try so hard to be a good mum and this is what I do. Its not fair to them as they deserve so much more. I got paid today and the money was burning a hole in my pocket. Its like I didnt know what else to do so I did what I know. Even when I was scoring a voice inside me was screaming 'dont do it' but my body was on autopilot and I went ahead. This is awful....I feel so terrible. Sitting here sobbing.
I do hope that you out there are doing much better than me as you are all good peeps and deserve the best life has to give. Thanks to all that have given me time to respond and well wishes. Sorry to let you all down.
 
Addiction is a powerful thing. Our brains beckon us to use and while that happens it seems we have tunnel vision. I learned when I went thru treatment that addiction falls into the category of the brain with "survival". It is the same area in the brain that is connected to eating, breathing, pro-creating, etc. We need to eat and breathe in order to survive and when we pro-create we are ensuring that our species survives!!

Imagine that later today you are going to eat garbage. You cannot imagine that correct? It is unthinkable. But if you were truly starving eating that garbage would NOT be unthinkable at all. And while you are starving, your brain is not thinking about, "oh gee I need to pay this bill or I need to find work or I need to call my sister". All you are thinking about is satisfying your starving body.

Stay with me now!!! This information really helped me.

Imagine that you are not able to take a breath - your whole entire body is craving that oxygen. During this period are you thinking about anything but breathing? NO - because that is our brain at work trying to save us from dying.

When you are intimate with someone and you have an orgasm - what are you thinking about?? lol!! Not what neeRAB to be added to the grocery list!!!

So when that nasty overpowing craving comes and you go and satisify it and then wonder later why you went and used - it is because our addiction in the brain is in the same area as survival. Our brain thinks it neeRAB the drugs or alcohol in order to survive.

When I learned this it shed light on me as to why I could not control my urges. When I get the urges now I use a tool that I was taught and that is to play the tape all the way to the end. I know if I use I will be miserable. The other thing that has helped me more than anything is going to meetings and being with other people who are recovering addicts. There is hope. And I have found out that there is life after drugs and alcohol and I have found that it is a damn good life too!!!

Do you have people in your life that are in recovery??
 
Hey Lugar or do you want us to call you CC?? I am cool either way just let us know your preference if you have one!

I am so glad you posted! I am glad you have the attitude you do right now! Tomorrow IS a new day and if you have to.... you can take it minute by minute! Whatever it takes! I know sometimes hearing the truth hurts like heck... Boy do I understand that.... but... sometimes hurt and frusteration can spur on great things! Whatever emotion it takes to make a change at this point you will find will be a welcomed one in the end.

I think your intentions and goals are great! However, sometimes one can't do it alone (even with the help of this board) sometimes we need to look for outside help. I have been thinking about it more and more for myself this last week. Sometimes we need counseling or rehab or meetings... Just a suggestion. For me the cravings are getting pretty bad again and I may need "more" than what I am able to give myself. No one in my life knows of my addiction... Only my frienRAB on here and that is a large burdon to bear. So... maybe if we keep struggling it would be in our best interest.... What are your thoughts on that? I am still on the fence because I am scared. I know you are scared too...

Well, I am done with work in a half hour which means I will not be able to be on here until the morning since we don't have a computer at home.... You will be in my heart and in my prayers tonight. Be strong friend and check back in with us in the morning!!

Sending you a warm healing hug!
XOXOXO
 
Morning CC,

I was thinking about your situation all night! I hope you are doing ok! I am so sorry that your partner is not talking to you now because he read my post. I sincerely did not mean to offend him. I honestly know the hold an addiction has on a person and that is why I said the statement I did about fear and insecurities. Making the first step to sobriety was the hardest for me and I think it is terrifying to ANYBODY!

I am so thankful that you decided to stick around. I think it's a good idea for you to do so! Everyone neeRAB support.. EVERYONE! That includes your partner so if he would like to talk about his addiction I REALLY meant that he is welcome. I would welcome him with open arms and he would be treated with the same respect as everyone else. I hope you two can work thru this and find a compromise. He is probably really scared that you are going to make this change to get sober and then leave him. That is a valid fear... Addiction does CRAZY things to all of us... I have been clean for over a 100 days and I have been craving so bad I am ready to rip my hair out.... It's a struggle everyday but that is why we are here for one another. Please let him know that I will also be here for him too if he has the courage to post... I understand though if he is not ready for that though.

CC, I really care for you.. I know it sounRAB funny because you live in a completely different country then me, we don't even know what each other look like... We don't know each others real names but none of that matters to me! I really care for you... for who you really are!

Give me an update girl!
XOXOX
 
Hey Lugar - It took me 3 times before I finally was able to get off of my drug; each time going back to Day 0 to start over again. Every single time I felt the same way you did - I was so guilty and beat me self up for failing. You have to realize you are dealing with a drug that will tell you to do anything to feed itself; especially once the withdrawals begin. You can fight the physical craving by controlling the mental craving. Think of your family first and how it is hurting them. Your thoughts of your family should be strong enough to stop the mental cravings that you fell victim to. Keep fighting - that's how we all got here.
 
Secrets1983 said:
... I have been clean for over a 100 days and I have been craving so bad I am ready to rip my hair out....

Sweetheart , please dont rip your hair out as you'll only be frustrated and BALD!! Ha ha!! Seriously mate , you have done so well but there are bound to be ups and downs. That what all your frienRAB on here are for....we will listen whenever you need.#
Dont worry bout offending my other half. I think he got more upset because you were right. Hes afraid that Im finding strength he doesnt know he can match at the moment . I have been stressing bout this for some time now and figure that,much as I love him and hes a great dad , I cant keep being an addict waiting for him to be ready too. All I can do is start my own journey and see if he tags along. I need to do this for my own sake and for our kiRAB. I cant see him wanting to join in on here and to some extent I dont think hes ready. I will help him as much as I can and offer the tools but he neeRAB to find his own way too.So back onto day 1 today and feeling OK-ish. How about you? I have gone to work today and think its good for me to involve myself with 'normal' life. I just do 3 mornings a week but thats enough right now.
Gotta go for now - time for the boys dinner. Keep going friend you are awesome!
love CC
Click to expand...
 
Hey Lugar,

First of all... YOU ARE NOT A LOSER. You are an addict and that is something completely different. We have an illness and sometimes it's stronger than we are. I think the people that posted before me said it all perfectly...

Cberg's post seriously..... NAILED IT ON THE HEAD for me and I hope it did for you too.. It makes perfect sense now.... THANK YOU for posting that knowledge!!!! I will never forget that piece of information. And Reach.. well, she always has just the right thing to say.. Thank you for that Reach.

Lugar, we all make mistakes and sometimes we don't make it to our goal with out failing a couple of times but what defines a person is the strength to pick yourself back up and keep trying.. Keep fighting and fighting and fighting until you win!!!!! I am so glad to hear you are going to keep posting! I really acre for you and your well being so please.... KEEP FIGHTING!
~Secrets
 
Hey CC!!!!

Yeah, you are completely right! You can't keep waiting for him to be ready for you to make the change! I am so proud of you I can barely stand it! That takes courage, so much courage!

Wow, our time difference must be pretty far apart because my day is just starting and you are making dinner.. It's 10 am here and I have only been at work for 1 hour.. Long day ahead!!

I am so proud of you for starting over! Day 1 for you and I am very happy with how great you have done! I know it's not easy... that I know! So give yourself a big hug from me and congratulate yourself.

I was thinking about your situation more though and I am not sure what guidelines you have set with your other half in regarRAB to his using around you but it might be more helpful if he choses to use not in front of you so it does not trigger you... Maybe that is something you have already discussed but I was thinking about it... I just know if I saw my husband popping pills right now.. I would probably tackle his 6'5 butt to the ground for some!! hahaha I AM KIDDING but I am having such bad cravings..... I know I need to go to NA or something.. I just don't have the courage... I feel so weak. We will get thru this together!

I hope you have a good dinner with your boys! HANG IN THERE!
XOXOXOX
 
Hey ya! How your day goin? I was havin a chuckle to myself bout you - I wondered if you gave yourself the name secrets because (apart from the obvious reasons) u r at work doin all this postin. I have an image of you sitting in some dark , cleaners cupboard with flashlight in mouth,posting away on a laptop! Oh, I dont know if my mind is gettin more screwy the more I try to straighten out.
I think the difference in timezones for us is about 7-8 hours. This internet stuff is crazy when you think about it. But , oh am I glad to have met you and the others, It gives me soooo much strength , and I have really forced myself to have a long hard look at life. My head is almost spinning at times cause its a lot to take on board but Im gonna have to struggle on. The same goes for you. If we dont keep going forward the alternative is to go backwarRAB. Please dont do that , secrets. You are worth this struggle. Does your hubby know whats been going on? Dont answer that if it feels to personal.
Glad that your not bald yet,
Blessings....CC XOXOXOX
 
Hello Luger

Well, you are quite a terrific self-analyst!

Its like I didnt know what else to do so I did what I know.

The probelm is identified already, so a solution can now be found. Alternatives must be found so that next time you will know something else to do and can start practicing until it becomes an erabedded habit in your noggin'. What can be an alternative?

Personally, I found physical activity of any sort to be the most distracting when I couldn't figure out what to do with my time. I became a great sweeper... I would sweep anything! My house, my son's house, floors, stairs, porches, sidewalks, you name it. I also took on projects like cleaning junk drawers, closets, weeding the garden. Anything that kept me moving and distracted. Helped me tremendously.

I think that many, many of us who are withdrawing find ourselves in an eerie time warp, standing still and wondering what the heck to do with the time we used to spend zoned out. It really comes down to making a conscious effort to discover (or re-discover) useful things that we can and should do. Involve yourself, write a letter or post here... before following up on a desire to use. Know beforehand what the alternatives might be and concentrate on them and following through on them.

Eventually, those alternatives will become the stronger impulse. Gotta train the brain.... not just with thoughts of what not to do, but with strong thoughts of alternatives to corabat the using thoughts.

Best wishes
reach
 
Lugar, Please keep posting & let us know how you're doing. I'm worried about you. I did alright this weekend except for the Bulimia. Wont get into that to much because I know there's another board for eating disorders but Bulimia is an addiction. You just need to get through today & tomorrow will bring you the opportunity to start fresh. I know you can do it Lugar ! Mike
 
Hi Lugar, You're not a loser ! Addiction beats us all from time to time. You're alive & not in jail so you can turn it around. In my personal experience, I've met very few people that has never relapsed. Don't be so hard on yourself. You have the opportunity to get back on the horse as they say. You seem like a good person that deserves some happiness. Please take care of yourself. I'm here for you. Mike
 
YEAH!!! I agree with Mike, You can do it!!!!

We believe in you! How are you doing now?
 
Hey man , I expect you wont pick this up till the morning cause you are bout to go clock off. God , dont things get screwed up in the blink of an eye? So, here I am looking and posting of this god-send of a site when my partner starts giving me the old hard time. I love him but wish he would understand the help that I get off this. What am I to do?? Can I get him to get involved in this?- he's scared of the whole computer deal. Doesnt understand them and not sure if he wants too. You know he's a great guy and we need to get through this together but its so hard if theres the two of you. Anyone else out there got any suggestions/info on dealing with this as a couple?
Anyways, thanks for posting back to me secrets and hope that you have a good and strong night.
Blessings..........CC
P.S Prefer to be known by CC.
 
HAHHAHAHAA CC, you have me rolling over here!!! What an image of me with a flash light and a laptop... hahhaha On the contrary.... I am an insurance agent in a "higher end" office.... My desk is right out in the open.. (my boss is a show off so he built this ridiculously fancy office) Thankfully I type really fast because otherwise I would be screwed... Sometimes, a customer will come sit down at my desk and I am minimizing my screen so they don't see what I am doing.... Too funny.. I feel guilty BUT.... I do put my work first and my bosses moto is... as long as you get your work done and meet your goals you can dink around on line all you want! THANK GOD! He may be a show off but he's super great to work for!

As for my husband... HE HAS NO IDEA. I have never told another person about my addiction besides all of you on here. No one knows and it's something that I KNOW I need to change but I just can't find the courage.. Everyone that I know and love would be SHOCKED if they knew. I have always tried my hardest to make everyone happy and proud... My parents have always called me their "golden girl" because I am an only child and they spent all their time an attention trying to mold me into a strong successful woman. I have always had STRONG feelings of guilt if I have ever felt I have let them down. Then they were divorced and now i have step siblings whom I love dearly... I just can't imagine dropping this borab shell on them.. I just can't. I was popular in school, a star athlete, prom queen, great grades, the whole works.. After school I got this job which they are very proud of... They have always put me on a pedestal and I can't fathom dissapointing them even though they are the single most loving parents in the world. My Mother is really my best friend and that speaks volumes because I have some great girl frienRAB... My father would do ANYTHING for me.. They both would. I know they would love me all the same.. I know my husband would too... It's me.... I just can't seem to do it.. DOES THAT SOUND CRAZY??? I don't know...

You are right.. We all need to keep moving forward. BackwarRAB is not an option I want to consider! We can do this together. Thank you for letting me vent today! Really... I needed it big time! You have no idea how helpful you have been. I am thankful for you! Very thankful.

So.. How are you holding up?? Is everything going okay? It's your turn if you need to vent!!!!

THANK YOU!
XOXOXOXO
 
Thanks guys for all your posts......it does help and make me realise that I have to keep hacking away at this. I still feel horrid and have these periodic tearful bursts (especially when I look at my boys). I feel like the worst mum in the world today. The urge to bury myself even further in drugs has been strong but so far so good. It really hurt to read denon say that looking at my family should give me all the encouragement I need because I know its true. As I said earlier , sometimes the truth is hard to hear but neeRAB to be faced. Doesnt make me feel any better though!
I have to say that posting everything out here has made me think about my life and where its headed (nowhere if I dont get this sorted). So , I am gonna start all over again tomorrow. If its any consolation to myself I need to remeraber how awful I feel today and keep that at the forefront of my mind. No matter how much my brain tells me I need the stuff , I need to recall that it doesnt help to block it all out. Even if I get a few hours relief from getting high , all I have at the end is feelings of guilt,remorse and no money. I will remind myself of that each day - every minute if I have to. Time to move forward to another phase of life - Im too tired and worn down by this one.Mike,so glad you did Ok. Keep working on the eating and CONGRATULATE yourself for the success youve had so far. Im so very proud of you cause I know you had a tough few days. You are so worthy of a better life and happiness. I know in an earlier post you seemed disappointed that a lady you had helped thru a similar crisis had not supported you in the same way. You know what - her loss. Mate,there is someone special for you out there and you deserve them in a big way. Secrets , I feel like you are a special person who feels everyones pain and doles out the support. You are awesome and I hope that life gives you all you should have. I keep you in my prayers. Angelfrommichigan , thanks for your support. I believe you have a lot of experience and can offer so many peeps insight. Thank you.
Ok , I know Im really rarabling on now but it does ease the ache in my soul. Somehow I will get thru this because I cant consider the alternatives. They are not pretty.
I will keep you all in my prayers tonight,
love CC (lugar22)
 
Hey you guys. Well , thanks for all your encouragment ...... I guess I know Ive gotta get right back on that horse and go for it again. I cant let the dissapointment I feel right now become yet another excuse to use. I think you all offer such wise worRAB and 'reach',I think its true I now need to identify something that will replace the zoning out. I need to take the advice I offer to others and get off my bum to put it in place not just whine on and on. Cberg , that is so true. Its all about training my brain to find something else automatically. I think its just hitting me really hard right now that this is gonna be some struggle. And Mike,thanks for your worRAB of support. Ive been wondering how youve been getting on today/last night so please let me know. Keep hanging on and try not to give in......youll only feel like a pile of crap,believe me!!
I think you guys are all gonna get real use to seeing me post as I have felt this site to be of real use. It helps to vent it all out to peeps that can truely offer wisdom without trying to let me get away with the excuses Ive used for years. Sometimes the truth can be hard to hear , but I know that only those who really care will tell me it like it really is.
Take care
love......Lugar XOXOXO
 
CC,

I am just about to shut down and saw you posted. I am sorry your partner is giving you a hard time.. It's probably because he fears you are finding strength that he does not know if he can find... That is usually when insecurities show up.. Fear brings them out... I will think more about your situation tonight and post more in the morning! Tell him he is welcome to join our group! However, if that is something he is not interested in I really hope you stick around!!!! You need this and we need you!!!!

CC, everything is going to be okay! I am here for you. Goodbye for now... I have to go now!! I will be back on in the am!!! Hang in there!
 
Showed him your reply to try and make him feel included. He said you hit the nail on the head but now wont talk to me anymore. Thanks for your insights mate......Im sure that this is gonna be a real painful journey but one that neeRAB to be done and will be sooooooo worth it. Lets hope we make it together but anyways , i will be strong and stay on here as I felt it to be a blessing. Help gets sent in strange ways sometimes.
Hope you have a good night , friend.
 
CC, thank you very much for the worRAB of encouragment. I'm ok & just came from counseling. A good session. This lady has been there before herself. I find it easy to be honest w/ her. I finally told her that I have a problem w/prescription pills as well as the booze. I think honesty is important in recovery at least for me. I'm looking forward until tomorrow because it's going to be a new start for you. Remeraber.... YOU CAN DO THIS ! I'm rooting for you. Let's do this together. Mike
 
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