your thoughts? My husband is dying of Primary CNS Lymphoma. I posted earlier today, in another category I believe, a question concerning our children's ability to witness their dad's final moments and if they should be allowed in the room as he passes on. As we have learned, there are big changes that my husband will pass away on his sleep without significant struggle, but there is no way to guarantee that and there are other, less peaceful scenarios that could present themselves. As an adult, I question my ability to brave any of these situations and it is going to be very though for the kids either way. However, my husband and I believe they deserve the opportunity to decide for themselves if they want to try or not. There could be very important benefits to accompanying their dad in his very last moments that we recognize and value.
The children's grief councilor and the hospice nurse who has been helping us to care for my husband at home (where he will pass on) have agreed to help us prepare the children so that they can make a decision on their own about what they want to do.
Our youngest son, aged four, is perhaps the one who will have the hardest time wrapping his mind around death and the permanency of it. We have discussed his questions and comments on his father's disease many times and he knows, just like his older brothers and sisters, that his father is going to die very soon. He still engages on magical thought from time to time. He likes to cover my husband's eyes (he has almost completely lost his eye sight) with his hands and when he uncovers them he asks his father if he can see now. We just keep telling him calmly that he cannot make his daddy's sight come back and he says he understands. I believe he does momentarily but he is still a little boy and his fantasies predominate his reality. He seems to get reassurance by asking us to repeat things to him over and over, so he asks us the same questions every now and then. "Why is papa going to die?" "Can I get cancer too?" "When is papa going to die?" "Doe it hurt to be dead?" "Are dead people always dead?" these are some of the questions he likes to ask and he always gets the same clear and honest answers. Other than that and sudden outbursts of stubborness and temper tantrums, he has consistently been his energetic, happy, naughty little self and his councilor shares our opinion that he is getting ready in his own way to say goodbye. He is being very clingy at the moment, particularly with his uncles (my husband's brothers) and with my husband himself. Before, he used to enjoy being outdoors and having time to play with other kids but now he wants to be home most of the time, near his father and his uncles. When he's not with my husband he asks "where is papa?" "can I see papa now?" "can you take me to papa?".
This tells me that he is aware that his father is not going to be here someday and he is scared of his absence. I wonder if I should present him with the possibility of being there when his father dies at all or if I should make separate arrangements for him, along with his older siblings who may decline the opportunity of being there and prefer to stay outside and wait.
On one hand, I believe seeing my husband pass on will help him dispell many anxieties and concerns he may have over death and the permanency of it. He has seen him change physically and emotionally through the cancer treatments, the hospitalizations and now to this point of no return. I am glad, although completely devastated, that he had the chance to follow things step by step and that we were articulate enough to at least help him understand what is immediately confussing to him. He could very well deserve to see things come to an end after so much struggle and questions.
On the other hand...four is so little and he is at an age where death is so confusing and intimidating no matter how much talk and explanations are offered. As I said, I am fully convinced that in the moment, he understands and accepts the reality of things. However, after a few moments have passed, he forgets or chooses to forget what was said to him and takes refuge in his fantasies.
So what should I do? Regardless of his decision, we are going to do our best to clarify what is going to happen on the final moments. He deserves that information. He will also have the choice, like his brothers and sister, to leave the room if it gets too scary or hard for them and be taken care of by their aunt who loves them and whom they trust. I fear however, that for him in particular the choice alone will be too confusing and hard to process.
We are very conflicted over this and I would appreciate any insight from people who have gone through similar experiences with friends or relatives. Even if you have not, a comment or an idea is always welcomed. I realize that only us as parents ca
I don't know why the question was posted without my last sentence...but the post was long enough as it was.
The children's grief councilor and the hospice nurse who has been helping us to care for my husband at home (where he will pass on) have agreed to help us prepare the children so that they can make a decision on their own about what they want to do.
Our youngest son, aged four, is perhaps the one who will have the hardest time wrapping his mind around death and the permanency of it. We have discussed his questions and comments on his father's disease many times and he knows, just like his older brothers and sisters, that his father is going to die very soon. He still engages on magical thought from time to time. He likes to cover my husband's eyes (he has almost completely lost his eye sight) with his hands and when he uncovers them he asks his father if he can see now. We just keep telling him calmly that he cannot make his daddy's sight come back and he says he understands. I believe he does momentarily but he is still a little boy and his fantasies predominate his reality. He seems to get reassurance by asking us to repeat things to him over and over, so he asks us the same questions every now and then. "Why is papa going to die?" "Can I get cancer too?" "When is papa going to die?" "Doe it hurt to be dead?" "Are dead people always dead?" these are some of the questions he likes to ask and he always gets the same clear and honest answers. Other than that and sudden outbursts of stubborness and temper tantrums, he has consistently been his energetic, happy, naughty little self and his councilor shares our opinion that he is getting ready in his own way to say goodbye. He is being very clingy at the moment, particularly with his uncles (my husband's brothers) and with my husband himself. Before, he used to enjoy being outdoors and having time to play with other kids but now he wants to be home most of the time, near his father and his uncles. When he's not with my husband he asks "where is papa?" "can I see papa now?" "can you take me to papa?".
This tells me that he is aware that his father is not going to be here someday and he is scared of his absence. I wonder if I should present him with the possibility of being there when his father dies at all or if I should make separate arrangements for him, along with his older siblings who may decline the opportunity of being there and prefer to stay outside and wait.
On one hand, I believe seeing my husband pass on will help him dispell many anxieties and concerns he may have over death and the permanency of it. He has seen him change physically and emotionally through the cancer treatments, the hospitalizations and now to this point of no return. I am glad, although completely devastated, that he had the chance to follow things step by step and that we were articulate enough to at least help him understand what is immediately confussing to him. He could very well deserve to see things come to an end after so much struggle and questions.
On the other hand...four is so little and he is at an age where death is so confusing and intimidating no matter how much talk and explanations are offered. As I said, I am fully convinced that in the moment, he understands and accepts the reality of things. However, after a few moments have passed, he forgets or chooses to forget what was said to him and takes refuge in his fantasies.
So what should I do? Regardless of his decision, we are going to do our best to clarify what is going to happen on the final moments. He deserves that information. He will also have the choice, like his brothers and sister, to leave the room if it gets too scary or hard for them and be taken care of by their aunt who loves them and whom they trust. I fear however, that for him in particular the choice alone will be too confusing and hard to process.
We are very conflicted over this and I would appreciate any insight from people who have gone through similar experiences with friends or relatives. Even if you have not, a comment or an idea is always welcomed. I realize that only us as parents ca
I don't know why the question was posted without my last sentence...but the post was long enough as it was.