Hi Lori
Just wanted to share with you some of the issues Hubby and I had once I was totally clean and really getting back to myself in my confidence and performance.
What was a time of joy for me was being soured in my relationship with my husband! After 37 years of a good, solid and happy marriage, it was like a thunderbolt hit my happiness. I was arguing constantly with him because of hurt feelings. I would try to cook supper and he would supervise and correct me the whole time. How many times I simply walked upstairs and left him to finish. I would cry and cry, feeling incompetent and useless. We would go to a store and he berated every item I chose. I often could feel my mouth literally drop open. The constant finding fault really was getting to me and I discussed it with the therapist. I felt almost like a backstabber saying how angry my husband was making me when he has stood by me in so many things. I knew, however, that the relationship waass starting to crurable and I sure didn't want that. She told me things that made a lot of sense to me and really helped.
Here is the gist of what she said:
When one spouse becomes the caretaker for an ill spouse ( like us in withdrawal!), the caretaker assumes a lot of responsibility and control that the sick one gives up. When we become well again, there comes a change in roles again. The caretaker instinctly by now wants to hold on to the control and and responsibility while the person who became well again wants to start assuming some control and responsibility again. It is a struggle between the two that we often are not even aware of. I shared that with Hubby, just as she explained it. We made a pact to gently remind each other of what was really happening behind these arguments and to try to give and take more as the quarrels came about. It helped tremendously. Oh, it was not an overnight cure... it took a lot of conscious work and some months until it finally felt smooth and normal again between us.
I think the stress of cut hours is making hubby feel like he neeRAB to be in control again. Fear. It does a lot of harm to us and can make our decisions jaded at times. I am not making excuses for Hubby... he should not have taken the card from you at all. I am just recognizing that he wants back the control he got accustomed to having. Walk gently and let him know that it is not helpful in the relationship to not freely give you some trust and responsibility and control.
You are not a failure at all, Lori! You are a valuable, hard-working woman who is feeling a result of the whole economic problems with hours cut. You not only work hard at your job, but you worked astoundlingy hard to accomplish becoming drug-free. Those of us who have also had to work through this understand fully the extreme effort and work it takes. You are strong and brave. This you must remeraber and reinforce in yourself no matter what outside influences tempt you to forget it.
Face the trust and control issue in the face with Hubby, same as you faced the drugissue... head-on. Not to be confrontational, but because the honesty is needed for any relationship to work. Stay strong, girl. You are a tiger and I know it. Smiles.
Hugs
reach
