Easier Said Then Done

P

Pradeep Kumar

New member
So, as some of you who are my friends on wtf.com may already know, I am in NY visiting my dying aunt.

She has ovarian cancer and also a rare cancer (which I don't know how to spell the name).
Why is it a rare cancer?
Well, they say the reason it is rare is because they only seen it in soldiers or scientists, people who deal with high concetrates of radiation or studies of things like atomic bombs.

She's had both cancers, for seven years and has undergone numerous chemotherapy and radiation and medicines since. It was never fully healed or rid of but it was stalled for the time being until these last few months.

She's in so much pain with burns and things like that, she has stopped both treatments. Did you know they will not provide Hospice to someone who is still taking treatments of any kind?

I believe they may have a shortage of volunteers but I also find it kind of cruel. To devoid a dying person, adult or child, care because they are still seeking life in medical treatments.

A startling concept.




I've had alot of people say to us, things like how "death is a part of life; everyone dies one day; be happy that when she passes away she won't be in pain; be happy she'll be Home."


I'm the kind of person to always speak my mind but it's harder for me to keep my mouth shut on these kinds of things, but I do it for my mom's sanity and my aunt. These are her friends or neighbors, or church members.

I messaged my boyfriend, who I love so much, about how I was feeling scared and I just had an uneasy and bad feeling all night. I originally messaged to make sure he was alright and he said I was fine and we got to talking about the possibility of my aunt Chay, dying soon.

When he messaged me back, I know he was trying to somehow make me feel better, his father had passed away from a heart attack a few years ago and I know he went through a pretty bad time of it himself, with drugs and depression and everything.
He's studying to be an RN and I wonder if it's where his view of death comes from.

I just seem rife with disappointment with his reply. Somehow imagining he was going to instinctively understand my feelings.
I've guessed everyone reacts differently to life and how short it is.


"Death is a natural thing. Dont feel sad, be happy.
Happy her pain is over with and she is at peace."

I'll admit to taking out my frustration on him, he did also post "I love and miss you and wish I was there to comfort you."

But truthfully, when the sentences that have been pissing you off for weeks is spelt out first in a message, you fail to notice the heartfelt one at the bottom.


I told him in all honesty what I wish I could tell those other people.



It's not when she eventually passes away is the issue I find bothering me.
It's the watching in her IN pain and dying.

Everyone thinks that way, that death is all natural and being happy covers it.

When someone finally dies, it's a relief.
For them and yourself.

As selfish as it seems, to feel relieved that the stress and pain is over with, it's true.

You don't suffer like they do because THEY are the one's dying but you feel a fraction of what they feel in your heart.
And sometimes with it replaying over and over in your mind and your body takes on the physical toll of stress, you wonder if you'd ever be strong enough to have survived it.



I'm not going to feel good when she dies.
I'll be relieved it's over for her but I don't think anyone would be happy.

She has over 10 tumors in her body, she's got one the size of a baby inside her thats blocking off the flow to her legs and now she has to inject blood thinner everyday to make sure she doesn't die of a blood clot.
Pretty soon we'll be giving her the injections because she won't be able to move.


She can't breathe except shallow somedays because more tumors are pressing on her lungs. The main artery that runs through your body delivering blood has multiple tumors all along it. This makes things more complicated.

She's addicted to painkillers, but who can blame her really. Seven years of suffering will do that to a person.

She takes so much medicine we have to make a daily list for her.
Allow the import of this moment to sink in.


May 29, 06


AM
1:45 - Roxanol
4:15- Roxanol
8:45- Roxanol
9:20- Cephalexin
11:15- Roxanol
12:15- Warfarin
PM
1:00- Lorazepam
4:30- Cephalexin
4:30- Roxanol
8:15: Roxanol
8:45- MS Contin
9:15- Lorazepam
9:30- Roxanol
10:45- Roxanol

Roxanol is a narcotic analgesic used to treat or prevent moderate to severe pain.

Cephalexin is an antibiotic used to fight bacteria caused by infections in the body.

Warfarin is an anticoagulant (blood thinner). Warfarin reduces the formation of blood clots.

Lorazepam affects chemicals in the brain that may become unbalanced and cause anxiety, insomnia, and seizures.

MS CONTIN is a controlled-release tablet containing morphine sulfate. Intended for use in patients who require a potent opioid analgesic for relief of moderate to severe pain.
Once absorbed, morphine is distributed to skeletal muscle, kidneys, liver, intestinal tract, lungs, spleen, and brain.





That is a basic amount of drugs she takes in a full 24 hour day. Usually she is taking more. It's literally rotting out her brain while her body is in breaking down. She takes three times the normal amount of morphine cancer patients take.
Sometimes she is in so much pain that medicines here can't help her, so we drive her to the hospital and they pump an IV drip line into her.
We then take her home.



It's sometimes frightening to just go along with what she says, like today I said "the show on Court TV, Psychic Detectives is decently made and interesting."



She looked up and smiled at me and said, "That's a pretty name." and went back to sewing.


There are really no words adequate enough for it.






It sounds horrible and I see alot of people around me, like her husband, my Uncle, putting up the blinders. He just blocks off what he sees, or hears from her.
When she finally gave up her last treatment, he begged her not too even though he could see the burns through her skin.
Sometimes, she says when we're alone, that she's only holding out this long for him. They don't have any kids, and she thinks "Whose going to be there for him when she's gone?" He has serious issues with abandoment and he's never really been alone before and we all wonder how he'll hold up. They married when they were 18 and they're in their mid 50's now.

When she lies on the couch crying silently, he sits on the floor and holds her hand and rubs her stomach and isn't heartbreaking to watch a fifty-something year old man, 6'4 hold his little 5'2 wife and cry with her.

I think when they thought, "we'll grow old together," They never imagined it would be this short.






Death is natural but sometimes it seems dying is what's inhumane.
 
death is natural. The medicines are inhumane past a certain point.

Look, I can't tell you not to cry. I've had two grandmothers die this year and my ex's grandma died too.

Death sucks. It hurts and it is a bitch and it is not fucking FAIR.

So you just let it all out honey. You hurt and you should, and that is all right.
 
My god, the situation really sucks.. I'm so sorry. :(

I've been through similiar when my uncle (a second father to me, in fact briefly my ONLY father heh) went through esophagal/stomach cancer.. In and out of hospitals, chemo, this drug and that drug, and finally sent home. It was not an easy ordeal but time does heal it.. It will stick with you though, the unfairness of it all but I guess we live with it..

My parents had died quickly from a fire, and not from any disease and I think that was easier than watching a process where someone slowly leaves you..

You're in my thoughts, you will get through this..
 
So about a year ago, my dad died of cancer. It was my first year of college, and he was diagnosed in the beginning of the year and died before I had even finished the second semester. Anyway- I was in Ohio, my family lives in California, so needless to say we spent a lot plane tickets and I went home several times, and because I didn't see him consistently, I saw dramatic changes that hurt to see. The last week of his life, I was called home, and they weren't sure he was going to make it until I got home in 7 hours, but he lived a week longer, and when I got there he was coherent and fine, compared to how he was 3 days later. The point is- I felt anger and extreme sadness experiencing this- and I had a few breakdowns. I actually witnessed his last breathes and when he actually died everyone in the room looked around at each other and we were all making sure everyone else was okay. The main consesus being that we were all relieved because he was in SOOO much pain. He was hallucinating, having those twitches that sometimes you get right before you fall asleep, but his would come all the time. I always put his hands together, fingers intertwined because I knew thats how he wanted them, but he no longer had the motor skills to do it himself. He would throw up, even though he hadn't had anything to eat for months. He would even yelp because something scared him in his thoughts. (this used to be the strongest and bravest dude, partied with the hell's angels kind of guy).
The hospice nurses sucked anyway- a lot of them acted like he was a retard (speaking loud and up in his face, instead of normally). They acted like this was the first time they had done that. My mom, thankfully is a nurse, and she took care of my dad in his own home until he died.
But I tell you this, to let you know I know where you're at. Cancer is the most horrible thing that could happen to a person, and it's not natural at all. The good thing was- everyone knew the end was here for those 6 months and we said everything we wanted to say, people from all over came to visit and say goodbye. You have your grief process before the death even occurs, so when it actually happens it's OK.
The weird thing is (or maybe it's not so weird) was that I was okay for almost the whole year after he died, and I'm only recently having a hard time. Changes in everyone else life to compensate suck- and its hard to deal with that unless you're ready to move on. So yell and scream about it, everyone who is a friend will listen to you and let you scream at them. Let it out, so eventually you can let go.
Eventually everything will get better for you.
 
When someone dies, you never really "get over" it. Thats one of the worst lies ever told.

Your body and mind adjust.

It's like when you lose your right arm.

Your body LEARNS over time how to use the left, and learns how to cope without the right.

Though it never, ever, gets the same as it was before - and you shouldnt expect it either.
 
Well, I dont really know how to start this post, but I know what i'm going to say. Death is a sad time. Tell the people that tell you to suck it up and that your acting like a baby by crying to go fuck themselves, because its alright to cry when someone close to you dies. You only get over it if you werent really close to them. I know from past experience that its very hard to watch a family member suffer and eventually die right before your eyes. I hope your troubles soon.
 
Fuck that sucks. I would never want to see that happen to someone I love, and I never want to go through it. I'm sorry for ya hun, and I wont say any of the stuff that's pissing you off. I will say this.

When those we love pass away we mourn for ourselves, and how much we will miss them.
 
You know, the "Death is natural, be happy, she'll be at peace/rest/home" is just everyone's way of trying to find rhyme and reason out of death. It's this hugely frightening thing that doesn't make sense so we try to put some sort of ribbon on it and call it a good thing in the hopes that it'll comfort us.

Regardless of your beliefs, death sucks. Watching someone die slowly sucks. My father fought cancer for two years before he died. I wasn't happy. I wasn't ok, it wasn't better. My dad was fucking dead and some dumbshit priest is telling me to chear up, he was in a better place. NO fuck that, he was DEAD. (Obviously the priest and I saw things in slightly different ways.)

And when someone dies, after fighting so hard, and you've been there watching it, there is this feeling of relief. Relief that it's over. And then you feel like an inhumane, uncarring, selfish schmuck. Don't worry, you're not bad/evil or just thoughtless. It's natural to want your life back.

When people are near death, it's common to put your own life on hold to comfort them. But at some point you start to resent it, and the person who's dieing. You're sitting there, your life on hold, watching them die and facing your own mortality the whole time and that fucker doesn't have the decency to just give up? Of course then they do "give up" and whammo, you feel like shit.

But Jude, there really isn't anything anyone can say to make you feel better or make this whole experience easier to deal with. I wish I could. I wish there were magic words I learned when I went through it. The closest things to magic words are the whole "She'll be in a better place stuff" and we all know how empty and hollow those are. So I guess as magic words they're not terribly effective. But it's the best anyone knows how to do.
 
Mod Edit: I'm sorry, I didn't mean to shit on this thread. I'm a complete and total moron and deserve to be flamed mercilessly. But a nice moderator came along and removed what I said so that I don't look like a complete tool.
 
I know how you feel about watching her be in pain. Before my grandpa died he was in a lot of pain and he was on dialasis (sp) almost every day. When he died, it was a relief. :hug2: I hope that hospice pulls their heads out of their asses and agrees to help take care of her. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.
 
I'm very very sorry Jude. I don't really know what to say. The entire concept has blown my mind backwards through my skull. All I can say is that once the grieving process and the actual event of death have already done their toll, the only good thing that will come out of this is adaptation and compensation. All humans do it. You'll adapt to the situation, understand it, and compensate by knowing how to face it if you ever feel down. Keep your chin up. It's hard, I know.

Best wishes to your family jude :thumbsup:
 
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