Dump your homemade Family Guy cutaways here!

Lois: This is just like when I used to sell car insurance before we were married...

[CUT TO: pink-haired Lois battling sci-fi creatures]

Lois: If you're on the go, you gotta have Esurance!
Esurance Guy: Hey! How's it going?
Lois: Oh, umm... Hi... You again...
Esurance Guy: Sooooo, whatcha up to tonight?
Lois: Nnnnothin' much, uhhhh--
Esurance Guy: Isn't it amazing how we just keep meeting up like this?
Lois: *nervous chuckle*
Esurance Guy: Maybe we could meet up at my place, you know, later tonight...
Lois: Actually, I had some plans tonight...
Esurance Guy: Oh yeah, right, right... Sssssso, how 'bout tomorrow night?
Lois: Look, I really don't think--
Esurance Guy: LLLLLOVE MEEEEEEEE!!!

(Lois shoots him dead)
 
Peter: "I haven't been treated this rudely since I went shopping on Rodeo Drive!"

Peter is at Saks, humming a girlish tune while looking through expensive dresses.

Sales clerk: "Um...excuse me?"
Peter turns around.
Sales clerk: "I believe you're in the wrong store."
Peter looks offended.
Sales clerk: "Please leave!"

Peter: "Why, I never!"
Sales clerk: "No, not YOU....HER, behind you!"

The camera pulls back to reveal Julia Roberts behind Peter, who turns beet red and rushes out of the store weeping.

Peter: "Good work, we can't have THAT trash in here!"
 
Brian-Still I've had harder times. Remember the time 4Kids dubbed me?

(Cuts to Brian at a bar)

Brian-Hey waiter whose leg do you have to (badly dubbed voice) kick to get a (badly dubbed voice) chocolate milk around here?
 
*Chris is sitting down, depressed*
Peter: Ah, don't feel bad Chris. Everyone makes mistakes.
Chris: Everyone? What about angels?
Peter: Heh, all the time! Just look at the Old Testament!

*cut to two angels standing on some clouds*
Micheal: Look, Rob, I just think the flaming sword is a little too much.
Rob: Come on, Mike! Just once! Let me swing it just a little! Please!
Micheal: Wellllll....okay.
Rob: Yes!
*swings it around*
Micheal: Hey, easy! That's not a toy!
Rob: Hey, see that cactus down there? I bet I could totally hit it!
Micheal: Wait, Rob! You don't-
*Rob swings the sword, and a shower of flame flies out. Explosions are heard on the ground*
Micheal: :eek:
Rob: :eek:
*God walks over*
God: Hey guys, what's all the-WHAT THE HELL?!
*God runs over and peers down*
God: Oh man, that's Sodom and Gomorrah! What the hell did you guys do?!
Micheal: He did it!
Rob: I-I'm sorry! It just...happened!'
God: Well thanks to you, two wonderful cities have been burnt to a crisp! What's everyone going to think, huh?! I'm the one that has to clean this up!
*God takes a deep breath, sighs, and becomes calmer*
God: Okay, here's what we're going to do. Micheal, get Abraham on the line, him and Lot need to get their stories straight.
Micheal: Um, what stories?
God: The stories where Lot had to leave Sodom because it's people were wicked and I had to destroy it.
Micheal: W-wait, we're just going to cover this up?
God: Look, if we do this fast and we do this right, no one will ever be the wiser.
Micheal: But-
God: Go!
*Micheal leaves*
God: As for you Rob, I have a special punishment in store for you!
*snaps fingers. Rob poofs out and appears in a bed*
Rob: Huh?
*knocking is heard on the door*
Voice: Mr. Schneider, we're ready to start filming!
*Rob blinks, and looks at a script nearby entitled "Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo." He flips through it, and his eyes widen*
Rob: Oh #$%&.
 
Peter: Don't worry Lois. It'll get better ratings than the last episode of "Family Matters".

Cut to a scene from "Family Matters". Carl, Eddie and the rest of the Winslow family are attending a funeral. The mood is very somber.

Laura Winslow: It's going to be hard to get used to the fact that Mother Winslow isn't going to be around anymore.
Carl Winslow: Don't sorry sweetheart. As long as she's in our hearts she'll never be truly gone.

Suddenly, a car plows through the back wall, driving into the casket and knocking Mother Winslow out of it. The car runs over the corpse a bit before it comes to a stop. Steve Urkel emerges from the car, flailing wildly, knocking over flowers and whatnot.

Steve Urkel: Whoops. Did I do that?

Pause. Carl Winslow suddenly pulls out a gun and shoots Steve dead. The studio audience goes absolutely nuts and gives the show a standing ovation. As the studio fills with applause we see Harriet Winslow lean in close to Carl.

Harriet Winslow: I don't remember that being in the script.
Carl Winslow: Script?
 
Chris: HEEEY MOOOOM! Don't leave our shopping cart unattended like that! Some crazy guy could steal it!

Lois: Chris, we haven't even bought that stuff yet. It hasn't left the store! The only reason anyone would have to swipe our cart at this point would be if they only wanted to inconvenience us, and you'd really have to be a sadist to go that far--

Suddenly, Jigsaw from the "Saw" movies rushes in and steals the cart away while laughing manically.

Chris: See???
Lois: That man is sick!
 
Peter: Come on, it'll be easier then when we had to climb that building.
(Cut To Peter & Brian climbing up a building ala Batman)
Peter: We're almost there.
(A Flower falls down and break horizonaly)
Brian: Why are we walking like this?
(Pan Out to reveal Peter & Brian are on a sidewalk near a bulding.)
(Pan out to reveal Peter & Brian are on TV at the Quickstop. Dante & Randal are watching it.)
Randal: Hey, those ripped us off.
Dante: I'M NOT EVEN SUPPOSE TO BE HERE TODAY!
Randal: Shut up.
 
Lois: Peter, I can't believe you did that in frount of Chris' school, you should be ashamed of yourslef
Peter: Woah,woah,woah, Lois. Your making me sound as if I'm the most abusive father ever, and I can tell you, I'm most certenly NOT.

[cuts to pagent, vering abusive fathers are there including Timmy's Dad, Homer and of course Peter]

Anoucer: and the winner of the most abusive father ever is...
*Peter is shown crossing his fingers*
Anouncer: Gendo Ikari for his work in not only screwing his only son off post spouce death but nearly bringing the end of the world as a reult. It is with regret that we give this award posthumorusly, but hey, that's what happens when you let your kid ride a gaiat robot with teeth, amirght folks?
*Peter and Homer both look down torrden*

[cuts back to house]
Peter (Mumbleing): Stupid Ikari...let his son ride a Giant Robot...I would lend Chris my giant robot...
Lois: Uh Peter?
Peter (Shouting): BUT THAT'S RIGHT, I DON'T HAVE A GIANT ROBOT!
Lois: ...um, ok...
 
Peter: This is more awkward than the time I made that reference to some obscure 80's pop culture thing to some kids and they all stared at me because they were too young to get the joke so then I laughed for 2 minutes because I was trying to kill some time.

(Cut to Peter with some kids)
Peter: Remember when I was [insert 80's reference here]

(Kids stare at Peter)

Peter: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha...

(2 minutes later)

Peter: ...hahahahaha. And scene.
 
Brian: All we have to do is watch Chris's science project until he gets back.

Peter: How hard could it be to watch a box in the middle of our living room (Looks behind Brian and gasps, raising his arm in front of him) SWIPER NO SWIPING! SWIPER NO SWIPING!

Swiper the Fox (About to steal Chris's science project, stops and snaps his fingers) Aw, man!
 
I know the show would never ref this but:

Meg: oh come on dad I`m 17 now, I deserve my own car!

Peter: Yeah right, that'll happen when Inuyasha finally kills Naraku.

Cut to Inuyasha, Nar(defeated), and kagome all looking very old with walkers.

Inu: and now...nar..nar.. eh.. whatever your name is.. I can finally.. um..

kag: Wait just a cotton-pickin' minute.. can someone remind me why we were after him in the first place?

Inu: I dunno... it's been so long..um.. I think he stole ma tooth.. yeah, that's it!

naraku is so old now he coughs and turns to dust.

Inu:Eh, oh well. Whose for canasta!
 
Peter: I haven't messed this badly since I painted Green Lantern's appartment.
(Cut Away)
Peter: Come here, I got a supprise for you.
GL: This had better be good.....AHHH!!! YELLOW!!!!!
(Jumps out the window)
Peter: What.
 
peter: you know what grinds my gears? people who prefer sattelite over cable. when it rains the picture goes all bad and you have to order pay per view over the phone. with cable you have none of that, and you can order pay per view right on the tv. people are saying "sattelite is cheaper, screw cable's high prices." cable is expensive, but it's better than sattelite from a technical point of view. I would prefer cable's high prices over a sattelite's rain fade anyday. that people, is what grinds my gears.
 
Angela (Peter's boss at the brewery): I brought you here to my office,Griffin,because I want to talk about your job performance. It seems you get distracted....

Peter: Did that building used to be there before?

(Old businessmen pirates start bursting through the window)

Angela: IT'S THE CRIMSON PERMANENT ASSURANCE!

Narrator: We at FOX have been aware of this attack from a latter Monty Python film,and have taken steps to remedy it.

(A Terry Gilliam-style foot comes down to squash the Crimson Permanent Assurance)
 
Quagmire: Gee, Peter, heh, you look a little tired. You and Lois got busy last night or something?
Peter: No, I couldn't sleep because I woke up with a shocking revelation that kept me up all night.

(Last Night in bed)
Peter: I've never laughed at a Mickey Mouse cartoon in my life.

--------------------------------------

Cleveland: You worked as a librarian, Peter?
Peter: Yeah, but you wouldn't believe what I had to do there.

Peter (dressed like Capt. O.G. Readmore [ask your older brother/sister/cousin]):
"I'm Captain O.G. Readmore,
a name that's really lame.
I'll teach you how to read more,
instead of playing games.
You'll read Bonfire of the Vanities,
a nutzo, cuckoo thing
Or a book about insanity
Like that one from Stephen King.
It's real boring
It'll leave you snoring.
Might as well watch TV.
Well, then read a book
And then you'll see . . . uh, oh . . . I have to pee!"
 
It wasn't bad.

Lois: I'm not sure I want you going out with your friends tonight, Peter.

Peter: Don't worry, Lois. I won't get in any trouble. At least, not since that last fight I got into.

[Cut to Peter and Punchy from the Hawaiian Punch commercials]

Punchy: Hey, how about a nice Hawaiian Punch?

Peter: Sure!

[Punchy punches Peter in the nose]

Peter: [holding his bleeding nose] What the hell? What was that for? You bastard!

[Peter jumps Punchy and starts wailing on him]
 
Brian: They're making a Jetsons movie with James Woods as George? George O'Hanlon must be turning over in his grave.

Cut to George O'Hanlon's grave, where there's a loud thumping noise coming from under the ground.

George: Jane, stop this crazy thing!
 
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