Does my story draw you in a little. No answers about grammar please but critisim please?

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RockinWonder<33

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I was lying in my bed in the fetal position, clutching my stomach tightly. The room was getting stuffier and it was harder to breathe. I was being slowly tormented. People were talking in every corner. A man with brown hair and blue eyes came and sat on my bed…

“Kristal…are you enjoying your stay?” his dark voice hissed.

“What? What do you want?” I mumbled, not able to speak clearly.

“All I want for you is to feel…at home,” he hissed again. He wrapped his hand around my neck preparing to strangle me. “Kristal! Kristal!” he suddenly said, shaking me.

I woke up screaming in the infirmary of Burkwood Academy. My best friend and roommate Lynne was standing shaking me, worry in her eyes.

“Kristal, you're awake!” she said. She might as well be yelling.

“Yeah, I’m fine. I guess I just passed out.” I murmured as I sat up on the bed.

"Yeah, you fainted in gym class and Christian took you to the infirmary. When he called me I rushed here as fast as I could,” she explained. A few fuzzy memories appeared in my head, I passed out on the bleachers I guess and hit my head hard.

“Where’s Christian now?” I asked, preparing my thank-you to him.

“Right here…” I heard a dark voice behind my where Christian sat, his black hood covering his blue eyes and brown hair.

“Hey…Thank you for taking me here.” I said.

“Yeah, be more careful next time,” he said, nodding his head like some signal to Lynne.

“Um, I better go tell the nurse…” she said, walking out of the room.

“Ok, you ready?” Christian said, getting up.

“Ready for what?” I wondered. He looked at me for about 45 seconds, and then started to pick me up in his arms.

“Let go of me!” I shrieked, fussing like a 3 year old.

“Stop It! Calm down we’re going to get you out of here it’s not safe, understand!” he yelled.

Lynne walked in, her finger to her mouth, telling us to be quiet. She opened the window and looked at Christian nodding.

“I’m ready; Give me Kristal. We’ll meet you at the house,” Lynne said in a serious voice.

“Lynne, what’s going on? Tell me now! I don’t want to go! What about my parents!” I screamed. Lynne sighed.

“Kristal there’s no time to explain what’s going to happen but you need to trust us.” she said.

“Lynne I don’t want to leave!” I protested. “Kris, believe me, in about 25 minutes you will,” she said.

Christian handed me to Lynne, who put me on her back. Lynne was very strong for a 17 year old girl, I thought to myself. Lynne stuck one leg out the window.

“Lynne, what are you doing?” I stammered.

“Calm down…Christian, we’ll see you later,” Lynne said.

“Ok, be safe,” he said, running out the room. She suddenly jumped out of the 3 story window. I saw my life flash before my eyes. I was shrieking, believing I was going to die. Then, miraculously, I felt a push and Lynne landed on her two feet. I gasped.

“No time to explain! Let’s go,” she said, setting me down on my feet. She walked towards a black eclipse. She jumped in the driver’s seat and I got into the front seat. Three duffle bags were in the back seat. We started driving out of the campus.

“What are those for?” I asked, seeing one of them said my name on it and Christian's then Lynne’s.

“Nothing. Just listen up...we’re going somewhere with people who can get…aggressive sometimes. Promise me this…” she said.

“What?” I responded. “Always stay with me or Christian,” she said, looking at me like this was some serious matter.

“Who else will be there?” I asked, not liking the sound of her voice, scared and panicked.

“Just people you don’t want to be near…” she said.

“I promise,” I responded, not wanting to take any chances with “those people".

We started on the highway; it was pretty silent between us.
“Lynne, are we almost there yet?” I asked.

“Not exactly…” she mumbled.

“Oh, where’s Christian is he ok?” I asked.

“Yeah, he’s um fine. Speaking of Christian can you call him for me?” She asked
“I just want to see if he’s there yet.” She finished.

“Um, Yeah I think I have his number…yep I do. One second Lynne” I said as I waited as his phone rang.

A raspy but soothing voice answered. “Hello?” the man said.

“This is Kristal…” I waited for the person to respond.

“Oh, Hey it’s Christian.” The voice said. His voice sounded normal now.

“Where are you?” I asked.

“Let me talk to Lynne.” He said sternly.

“She’s driving right now.” I said looking at Lynne whose eyes were pressed to the road.

“Well, tell her that I’m at the house with Tony and Will. Also, tell her Victoria’s about 5 minutes away.” He explained to me.

“Ok, one second Christian.” I said taking the phone off my ear.

“Christian’s at the house with Tony and Will. And Victoria’s about 5 minutes away.” I said repeating exactly what Christian had said to me.

“Crap.” She sighed.

“What’s wrong?” I asked.

“Nothing um tell Christian we’re just about there.” She said sighing again.

“Ok.”
 
Pretty good. I was curious about what was going on, and I would read further if you have more.

There was only one thing that really bugged me. You don't always need a dialogue tag after someone speaks. For instance, this part:
“Yeah, he’s um fine. Speaking of Christian can you call him for me?” She asked
“I just want to see if he’s there yet.” She finished.
You could take out the "she asked" and "she finished", and it would sound a lot better.

It was also a bit choppy to me. It was still pretty good, and I would be interested in reading more.
 
I agree with Vikizao about the dialogue tags. Not enough can be confusing but too many can disrupt the flow.

Personally, I would also take out the 'Um's.

Also this part: “Um, Yeah I think I have his number…yep I do. One second Lynne” Sounds a bit out of place in this situation.

All in all, though, it is interesting and I am curious as to what is going on.
 
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