Does it really come down to choices or do you not have any control of your environment?

[Daniel]

Sorry to ask another form of this question, but I'm wondering what sort of ways can you change the way you think? I talk to a therapist and he said I have to change my thought patterns and that everything that I think is in reality a choice I make. So I ponder this question a lot, because to change the way you think, you have to think of what to change, and honestly I don't know what to change. The problem I'm having right now I suppose is that I'm feeling extremely lonely and depressed, and it just feels like there isn't anyone out there for me, and everyone all around me is finding each other, getting married, etc, etc. I'm 25 and haven't yet been on a date, or met anyone. I suppose the primary problem is myself, but it's not like I can run around and make people like me, and my only question is what sort of thought process can I have? If I think to myself, "Okay, I'm going to meet someone at this store, or during work, or when I go back to school." I can convince myself to think like that, but when it does happen, when I do go to these places, I don't find anything, or anyone. So the reality of it strikes again that I really don't have anyone, so how can I change the way I think on reality? They also say that I have to make myself be liked. What exactly does that mean? I wonder? Because it's like, I'm okay with me, why doesn't anyone else like me? And why would I have to change the way I am to make someone like me? Isn't that being a fake? Like if I go to someone, make them think I'm great and all, and they hang around me, and find that I don't have it all together, then what? That would be an even worst heart break than if they just outright told me I'm ugly because I lied to myself and the person I was interested in.

Sorry to ramble on and on, but it's just driving me crazy to a point where I don't know what to do anymore and I just want to scream and start breaking stuff. It just drives me crazy and even more crazy thinking about it.

 

[jayayvee]

One thing you have to realize is that everyone has a side of them that isn't really great, we just all learn to hide that from others. Maybe you need to stop concentrating on not having others in your life and just center in on who you want to be. Really. My office mate lost a boyfriend and was soooo depressed. He was a hearing person and she is deaf, so when he left her for another hearing person, she read into it that he left her because she was deaf. She went places to meet people over and over, but then she realized that she was okay alone until she strengthened her own sense of self.

As far as thinking positive, it can be so hard to do, especially if everyone around you thinks negatively and even pessimistically. I had cancer 2 1/2 years ago, and my frame of mind REALLY mattered. I had to start watching only funny and light stuff on TV (ordinarily I like CSI, etc.) and didn't watch any drama movies. I read only upbeat and encouraging books, and refused to be around people who could bring me down. I wasn't denying that I was going through a crisis, I just had to think positive for the benefit of my health and my life. It really helped. I stopped making excuses for the negative way that I saw things and made myself look on the bright side. I think it really helped me.

I'm so sorry you're having trouble meeting someone, but you can't force something like that. I might suggest broadening your circle of friends, and being honest with yourself about whether or not there's something about your personality that you would benefit from changing. I too was negative by nature, but I realized that it's a real turn-off. Sarcasm, cynicism, and always pointing out the down side of things- well, anyone can do that. The trick is to dig deep and find the worthwhile side of things.

One way to see things differently is to realize that everyone does what they do because of something in their background. The guy who seems super confident may be secretly very insecure. The person who is a bully may do that to cover up for a hurt they experienced. We all know that the party person is usually trying to be something they're not. Don't beat yourself up for not being one of those people who's comfortable being fake. Kudos to you for knowing you don't want that! But do try to look at life in a better light. It can be done if you DECIDE that's the way its going to be.

I'm sure it sounds silly, but I'm pulling for you!

 

[John M]

Daniel, I honestly believe you need to push yourself away from the computer and get out into the world. Enjoy the sunshine, smile at people, seek some volunteer work and help the world. It's now all about you. You need to give, and you will receive. You can sit with your face in a computer all day, but you won't find the answer, the date, what you want there. Experience life. Use what you know for the good of others. He who hesitates is lost. The longest journey begins with the first step. You can't win if you don't play. There are plenty of cliches, but they require action to be proven. Act, Daniel. Act!!!