M
Manni
Guest
Three girls walk into a house. Ouch.
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J
Jessie
Guest
It doesn't matter but it cant have cuss words, any bad language.
It can say suck or crap but its limited!!!!
PLZ help its for my brothers talent show!!!!!
HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It can say suck or crap but its limited!!!!
PLZ help its for my brothers talent show!!!!!
HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
K
kityiscrazed_101
Guest
It's wise to remember how easily email -- this wonderful technology -- can be misused, sometimes unintentionally, with serious consequences.
Consider the case of the Illinois man who left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick email.
Unfortunately, when typing her address, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her email, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint.
At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:
"Dearest Wife,
Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
P.S. Sure is hot down here."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Bathtub Test
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor
asked the Director how do
you determine whether or not a patient
should be institutionalized.
'Well,' said the Director, 'we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a
teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the
patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.'
'Oh, I understand,' said the visitor.
'A normal person would use the bucket because it's
bigger than the spoon or the teacup.'
'No' said the Director, 'A normal person would pull the plug.
Do you want a bed near the window?'
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Things i have learned from movies
1. The police always come after the crime is done and the thief has run.
2. When women cry their make-up doesn't run.
3. All crimes are solved in 1 hour.
4. The Good guy always wins.
5. When you’re trapped, you always find a way out.
6. A trip from Los Angeles to China takes 5 seconds.
7. All women still have makeup on when they wake up in the morning.
8. When you’re a hero, you will never get burnt in a fire.
9. Lipstick, once applied, will stay ont throughout any activity, including scuba diving.
10. Every bag of groceries contains at least one stick of French bread.
11.You are always able to park directly in front of the building you are visiting.
12. You are able to simply reach into your wallet, pocket, or purse and pull out the exact fare while riding in a taxi.
13. Air conditioning vents are always excellent places to hide.
14. You will most likely survive any dangerous battle unless you have made the fatal mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetie back home.
15. It is possible for almost anyone to land an airplane, provided there is someone in the control tower talking you through it.
16. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.
17. All bombs have a large, red electronic readout so you know exactly when it will explode.
18. Worried about which wire to cut to diffuse the bomb? Don't worry. You'll always pick the right one.
19. To complete a case, the detective must have been suspended from duty.
20. In almost every car accident, one vehicle shall burst into flames.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A policeman pulls a driver over for swerving in and out of lanes on the highway. He tells the guy to blow into a breathalyzer.
"I can't do that, officer, I'm an asthmatic. I could get an asthma attack if I blow into that tube."
"OK, we'll just get a urine sample down at the station."
"Can't do that either, officer. I'm a diabetic. I could get low blood sugar if I pee in a cup."
"Alright, we could get a blood sample."
"Can't do that either, officer. I'm a hemophiliac. If I give blood, I could die."
"Fine then, just walk this white line."
"Can't do that either, officer."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm drunk."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
You know you are addicted to coffee if ...
1. You sleep with your eyes open.
2. You have to watch videos in fast-forward.
3. The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake.
4. You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer.
5. You've worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week.
6. Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
7. You chew on other people's fingernails.
8. The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.
9. You're so jittery that people use your hands to blend their margaritas.
10. You can type sixty words per minute with your feet.
11. You can jump-start your car without cables.
12. You don't sweat, you percolate.
14. You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in.
15. You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.
16. You've built a miniature city out of little plastic st
Consider the case of the Illinois man who left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick email.
Unfortunately, when typing her address, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her email, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint.
At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:
"Dearest Wife,
Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
P.S. Sure is hot down here."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Bathtub Test
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor
asked the Director how do
you determine whether or not a patient
should be institutionalized.
'Well,' said the Director, 'we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a
teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the
patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.'
'Oh, I understand,' said the visitor.
'A normal person would use the bucket because it's
bigger than the spoon or the teacup.'
'No' said the Director, 'A normal person would pull the plug.
Do you want a bed near the window?'
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Things i have learned from movies
1. The police always come after the crime is done and the thief has run.
2. When women cry their make-up doesn't run.
3. All crimes are solved in 1 hour.
4. The Good guy always wins.
5. When you’re trapped, you always find a way out.
6. A trip from Los Angeles to China takes 5 seconds.
7. All women still have makeup on when they wake up in the morning.
8. When you’re a hero, you will never get burnt in a fire.
9. Lipstick, once applied, will stay ont throughout any activity, including scuba diving.
10. Every bag of groceries contains at least one stick of French bread.
11.You are always able to park directly in front of the building you are visiting.
12. You are able to simply reach into your wallet, pocket, or purse and pull out the exact fare while riding in a taxi.
13. Air conditioning vents are always excellent places to hide.
14. You will most likely survive any dangerous battle unless you have made the fatal mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetie back home.
15. It is possible for almost anyone to land an airplane, provided there is someone in the control tower talking you through it.
16. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.
17. All bombs have a large, red electronic readout so you know exactly when it will explode.
18. Worried about which wire to cut to diffuse the bomb? Don't worry. You'll always pick the right one.
19. To complete a case, the detective must have been suspended from duty.
20. In almost every car accident, one vehicle shall burst into flames.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A policeman pulls a driver over for swerving in and out of lanes on the highway. He tells the guy to blow into a breathalyzer.
"I can't do that, officer, I'm an asthmatic. I could get an asthma attack if I blow into that tube."
"OK, we'll just get a urine sample down at the station."
"Can't do that either, officer. I'm a diabetic. I could get low blood sugar if I pee in a cup."
"Alright, we could get a blood sample."
"Can't do that either, officer. I'm a hemophiliac. If I give blood, I could die."
"Fine then, just walk this white line."
"Can't do that either, officer."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm drunk."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
You know you are addicted to coffee if ...
1. You sleep with your eyes open.
2. You have to watch videos in fast-forward.
3. The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake.
4. You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer.
5. You've worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week.
6. Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
7. You chew on other people's fingernails.
8. The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.
9. You're so jittery that people use your hands to blend their margaritas.
10. You can type sixty words per minute with your feet.
11. You can jump-start your car without cables.
12. You don't sweat, you percolate.
14. You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in.
15. You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.
16. You've built a miniature city out of little plastic st
T
The Saint
Guest
Three men are on a plane. They open a window and one throws an orange out. The other throws out an apple. The Third throws out a hand grenade.
After getting off of the plane, they see a boy crying. They ask what's wrong, and he replies, "An apple hit me in the head!"
They see another boy crying. He says, "An orange hit me in the head!" Then they see a boy rolling on the sidewalk laughing.
They asked why he was laughing, and he replied, "I farted and my house blew up!"
After getting off of the plane, they see a boy crying. They ask what's wrong, and he replies, "An apple hit me in the head!"
They see another boy crying. He says, "An orange hit me in the head!" Then they see a boy rolling on the sidewalk laughing.
They asked why he was laughing, and he replied, "I farted and my house blew up!"
M
Michelle
Guest
Why was cinderella such a bad basketball player?
Her coach was a pumpkin
How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just one but she changes it into a frog
Why was Dr.Frankenstien never so lonely?
He was good at MAKING new friends
What do you get if your cross a frog and a dog?
A croaker spaniel
Why did dracula break up with his sweetie pie?
She wasn't his ( blood ) type
Her coach was a pumpkin
How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just one but she changes it into a frog
Why was Dr.Frankenstien never so lonely?
He was good at MAKING new friends
What do you get if your cross a frog and a dog?
A croaker spaniel
Why did dracula break up with his sweetie pie?
She wasn't his ( blood ) type
M
Michelle
Guest
Why was cinderella such a bad basketball player?
Her coach was a pumpkin
How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just one but she changes it into a frog
Why was Dr.Frankenstien never so lonely?
He was good at MAKING new friends
What do you get if your cross a frog and a dog?
A croaker spaniel
Why did dracula break up with his sweetie pie?
She wasn't his ( blood ) type
Her coach was a pumpkin
How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just one but she changes it into a frog
Why was Dr.Frankenstien never so lonely?
He was good at MAKING new friends
What do you get if your cross a frog and a dog?
A croaker spaniel
Why did dracula break up with his sweetie pie?
She wasn't his ( blood ) type
L
Lizzie
Guest
What do you call cheese that doesn't belong to you?
Nacho cheese
What's red and sits in the corner?
A naughty strawberry
How do you get a one handed man out of a tree?
Wave at him
What's green and invisible?
This cabbage --> <--
What does a farmer say when he's lost his tractor?
'Where's my tractor?'
What's the difference between a chav and Batman?
Batman can go into a shop without Robin
What's green and smells like yellow paint?
Green paint
Nacho cheese
What's red and sits in the corner?
A naughty strawberry
How do you get a one handed man out of a tree?
Wave at him
What's green and invisible?
This cabbage --> <--
What does a farmer say when he's lost his tractor?
'Where's my tractor?'
What's the difference between a chav and Batman?
Batman can go into a shop without Robin
What's green and smells like yellow paint?
Green paint