Do you think this is a good piece of writing?

Afterlife

New member
Okay. The plot so far is that Taryn got attacked but they set her free and while she was away her mother got taken but escaped. She was in an induced coma and her heatbeat stopped. She's now in the ICU. here's the bit after it.
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I woke up with my head still on Lachlan’s shoulder. I tried to stretch but my back was really stiff and sore. Then, what happened yesterday hit me. I tried so hard not to burst into tears. I tried to get up, but yet again Lachlan pulled me back down again and shook his head.
“But I want to see my mum,” I said in disbelief. But he just shook his head again. I sat down and started sulking. After a while he asked me if we could leave. We went down to the beach again. It was an extremely overcast day, like the weather knew something was wrong. The water looked grey and murky but I saw the faintest figures of people surfing. There weren’t any birds around, it was just so silent. The crashing of the waves finally broke through and everything seemed like normal. Lachlan had his arm around my waist and we just walked to the end of the jetty. He grabbed my shoulders and turned me to face him. And I tried to give him a hug but he stopped me.
“Taryn, I know how hard this is for you,” he told me as he moved in a bit closer to me, “but what’s gonna happen if Eryn dies? Are you going to live with Dimitri?” he asked me sounding a bit concerned. I looked down but he just lifted my chin up. I felt tears rolling down my face.
“I’m trying to think about that not happening,” I told him as my voice started to crack, “why would I want to live with him? Couldn’t I live with you? It wouldn’t be that hard would it?”
“Hey, baby. Its okay, I never meant to upset you. I’m sure you could live with Karyn and I,” he told me as he held me in a vice strength grip, like he was never going to let me go and hold me for eternity.
Oh believe me. It isn't corny. It's gone from a happy love story to something dark and twisted.
Okay, its about werewolves and Shapeshifters. Taryn found out who her father was and ran away and got attacked by the shapeshifters and then they set her free because they only want specific people. Then while she's away her mother gets taken and almost dies.
 
I liked it all until the hey baby part. When I read the first part yesterday he didn't come across to me as a hey baby kind of fella lol. Unless he was being silly.

Be careful what you post, there are thieves among us :) You can email me if you like you got a great story line. What happened for the accident, I missed that part.
 
It's very solid, and sounds good. I only have one thing that could use improvement:
"...but yet again Lachlan pulled me back down again..."
There is no need to reinforce the "again" twice. I'd recommend not using the second one. :)
 
It's okay.
Just try to avoid repetitiveness - like using 'tried' three times in the first paragraph.
And yeah, it is a little cheesy.
Good work though, keep it up.
 
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