do you like this poem i wrote?

  • Thread starter Thread starter harps
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harps

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i never got an honest opinion
is it good, it's for an english assignment

Come and play with me it whispers,
Its child like fingers clutching our own,
Come and play my game it pleads,
I will never leave you on your own,
I am not like the rest of humanity,
I am not fickle or consumed by worthless greed,
It entices us laughing sweetly in the night,
It chases us through the stars crying when we bleed,
Come and play with me it calls,
It runs on ahead playing a hungry little game,
It giggles in ecstasy as children run to it,
It wraps its arms around them staking its claim,
You are mine now, it tells the children,
You are my own flesh and blood,
Spread my message to the others of your kind,
Tell them its a reward for being good,
It claws at our skin, ripping away our flesh,
I like to play this game it laughs gaily,
I have new victims every night,
I birth new children daily,
It spreads its black wings towards the midnight sky,
It causes every murder while its eyes glint like a dying fire spark,
Go my children tell them to run,
Tell them to come and play in the dark
 
Hey! its great, in the sense its not the usual theme nor the usual style.. and i was astounded reading this as there is a sort of chilling grip your poetry exerts...
you are writing like a pro!
good work.. keep going!
:-)
 
It'll do nicely but I would change the "as children run to it" to "for we are children who run to it". You changed the tense from first person to third without knowing it. Calling it humanity is hardly what I would say belongs there. I would change it to read and "unlike that which is humanity". Change "it wraps its arms around them" to "it wraps its arms around us". Change "every murder" to "only murder". I hope you will adopt my changes. They are yours to keep. A fire spark is an ember, you might want to change that also. Otherwise, good effort.
Hope you get an A.
 
Impressive. I quite enjoyed reading this work of art. You have been blessed with a talent as such.
 
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