Vampire Lover
New member
what do you think of this paragraph and how can i improve it?
its not the first paragraph of my book, just an excerpt, but its in the first few chapters.
its meant to be quite mysterious so don't worry if you don't understand it
does it make you want to read on?
oops i forgot to copy the paragraph onto the question!
Here it is.
I needed to get out. Had to go to the waterfall. I didn't know why but it was like a burning pain in my chest, I had to do something about it. I had to get out. Now. But I was meeting Danielle at the waterfall tonight. Surely I could wait until then. At night it would be easier to sneak out. I felt the burning again, this time it made me cry out. No. I couldn’t wait. I ran along the corridors, twisting and turning, I made my way closer and closer to the front door. I could see my destination now, I ran faster, and hurled into my geography teacher, Mr corner. “Where do you think you’re going?” he asked
I screamed at the pain. No. He couldn’t stop me. I had to get to the waterfall.
“Sky, what’s wrong, are you ill? You look so pale, maybe you should…” He didn’t get a chance to finish. I gasped in horror at what I’d done but I didn’t stop there for long. I had to get out.
its not the first paragraph of my book, just an excerpt, but its in the first few chapters.
its meant to be quite mysterious so don't worry if you don't understand it
does it make you want to read on?
oops i forgot to copy the paragraph onto the question!
Here it is.
I needed to get out. Had to go to the waterfall. I didn't know why but it was like a burning pain in my chest, I had to do something about it. I had to get out. Now. But I was meeting Danielle at the waterfall tonight. Surely I could wait until then. At night it would be easier to sneak out. I felt the burning again, this time it made me cry out. No. I couldn’t wait. I ran along the corridors, twisting and turning, I made my way closer and closer to the front door. I could see my destination now, I ran faster, and hurled into my geography teacher, Mr corner. “Where do you think you’re going?” he asked
I screamed at the pain. No. He couldn’t stop me. I had to get to the waterfall.
“Sky, what’s wrong, are you ill? You look so pale, maybe you should…” He didn’t get a chance to finish. I gasped in horror at what I’d done but I didn’t stop there for long. I had to get out.