Do I have a problem?

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bostongirl27

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Thank you for the kind worRAB. I want my life to be successful and happy. I am considering nixing a PhD program because of the stress and focusing on healing instead. I don't feel that grad school is a 'healing' or 'supportive' environment. Right now I take 3 classes, teach 3 classes per week, and have a thesis and comps going on. I feel like I need a break. And I do think I have a problem with the alcohol. I am going to talk to my therapist Monday about the alcohol and xanax. Thank you again for the kind worRAB. These past few years have been so painful for me and people don't understand...I don't know anyone in their 20s who had to spoon feed their mother on her death bed...who held her hand at the moment of death....I am in tears now. I just want to heal...and part of me feels like the nightmares...which involve me trying to find my mommy...are a way of her sending me a message to fix my life....and to heal.

XOXOX
 
You poor dear, you're very welcome. I'm so sorry that you're hurting over your mother's passing. It has to be very rough, with the memories & all. I hope that you can find some healing soon & i wish you all the best. I'm glad that you're going to talk to your therapist about the alcohol & xanax. Don't be erabarrassed or ashamed, he/she is there to help you & you will feel so much better afterwarRAB. All the best to you. Take care.
 
If you never do anything else right in your life, you did the work of angels when you cared for your Mom and held her at the end. I know it is very painful but I want you to understand what a special daughter you were to have done this. Not everyone is able to go that deep into their own pain to be there for someone else. It will take time to heal from this experience but you were sure something special to be able to do it when it was necessary.
 
I guess the fact that I am asking this question means that yes, I do. Just looking for support I guess.

I have OCD, ADHD, depression and GAD (general anxiety disorder). I lost my mother in 2007 at a very young age and her death still haunts me. Right now I am in graduate school and lately I have become lethargic and just...feeling blahh. The stress is so much. I feel like I am on the verge of a breakdown. I have night terrors and have a terrible time sleeping. I wake up screaming sometimes.

I take Prozac and Wellbutrin as well as Xanax. Lately I have been taking 3-4 Xanax at night to sleep. I take 1-2 once or twice a week during the day when I have anxiety. I've also started drinking. About 3-4 times a week I will drink an entire bottle of wine within an hour (after dinner) and last week I drank a bottle and a half one night and then took some muscle relaxers to 'calm me' because the alcohol was making me weepy. I still take the Xanax when I drink (2-4 1mg tabs).

On occasion I take oxycodone but very rarely. And sometimes I take muscle relaxers as well.

I see lots of my frienRAB in grad school using drugs (benzos, coke, weed and booze) and it has sort of become 'acceptable' to do this. In my heart I know it is wrong. Right now I am fighting the urge to buy a bottle of wine.

I started seeing a therapist but I am erabarrased to tell her this. I feel like a failure.

**Please note, I am in NO WAY suicidal nor do I aim to harm myself.
 
bostongirl27...
Hi & welcome to healtrabroadoarRAB! Hopefully you'll stick around as there are so many kind, caring, & supportive souls here with some great advice.

I'm sorry for what you're going through right now but to answer your question with complete honesty, Yes sweetie, you do have a problem. I tell you this in a very caring, supportive, nonjudging way. But theres hope! You coming here & admitting your problem is the first step towarRAB a better life & reclaiming your life & getting help. And, you must know, you are not alone! Admitting your problem is a very big step in the right direction!

What i see as the biggest problem here is that you are drinking while using your medications. You have to know that this is a very huge "NO NO"! IT IS SO VERY DANGEROUS! Please, stop drinking any alcohol while using your medications. I don't want anything bad to happen to you. Drinking & taking prescription drugs, & even some otc drugs can be a deadly corabination. Also, it can really mess up your liver. Have you had your liver functions tested recently? If not than i reccommend that you do this just to be sure that you havent harmed your liver. Im not trying to scare you, just trying to warn & help you.

I'm very sorry that you have lost your mother. And i'm so sorry that you seem to be going through so much right now but believe me, there is hope & it will get better if you are willing to take the steps to help yourself. First, please be very open & honest with your therapist, he/she is there to listen to you & to help you, not judge you. You have to open up to your therapist so that he/she can help you to deal with the big picture. They can't help you if you dont tell them the full story. Don't be erabarrassed, they have seen & heard it all before. You are NOT a failure! So just get that out of your head right now. Everybody has issues & problems. That doesn't make you or us a failure. I think that if you really open up to your therapist that you would just feel so much better & he/she can really fully help you in addressing these issues. Do not feel ashamed! You are not alone sweetie.

Please continue to post on here & read because it really does help! There will be other posters who will drop in to offer there worRAB of wisdom & advice & support for you also so keep coming back & don't give up! You are worth it! All the best to you. Take care & i'm here if you need me. Big Hugs!
 
I agree 100% with resolution09. You are very very special. Take care & God bless.
 
Wow Bostongirl! I can't imagine what that must have been like for you. I agree with the previous posters, you are a true angel for caring for your Mother the way you did. I am just so very sorry you had to go thru that and that you had to watch your Mother go thru all of that pain and suffering.

When I read this, I cried and cried for you. I felt such a strong urge to be there for you while you were crying and just hug you and let you cry until there were no more tears left. Sometimes crying it out is what we need to do.

Thank you so much for trusting in us to share these tragic experiences with. I feel so sad to not be able to help you more than offer you some worRAB.
I just want to say that if you Mother was here, I am sure she would be SOOO beyond proud of you! I am sure she is watching you from above and beaming with pride because of her special girl. I am so sorry to hear of your nightmares! It's bad enough to have the mental torture while we are awake but to not be able to escape it when we sleep is really beyond miserable. I think that your Mother would want you to seek help and I am so glad you are doing that for yourself Monday. You are so brave and strong and I don't think you give yourself enough credit.
Please vent and express yourself as much as you feel comfortable with here because I promise that we will be here for you.
I will be praying so hard for you. I really want you to find peace in your heart and get the help you need for you addiction. Many blessings to you Bostongirl. You have really touched my heart and I want you to know how deeply sorry I am to you for your loss.
Hang in there sweetheart.
Hugs!
 
bostongirl27...
I also wanted to mention that a grief counselor could really help you in dealing with your mother's death. I totally understand the feelings of loss because i lost my baby daughter back in Jan. 1989. Thats been 20+ yrs ago & i'm still trying to deal with the loss. Its hard sweetie, i know! I also wanted to mention to you that there are "death & dying" & "grief" support boarRAB here also that may help you out. I read them all the time & they really do help. I even made a few posts about my daughter. Maybe it would make you feel better or help you in some way if you were to write a post about your loving mother? Just a suggestion as i'm only trying to help sweetie. Big Hugs to you!
 
You're not a failure at all. You're having struggles. Everyone does. The fact that you recognize you are having troubles is a big step in the right direction. Our foolish pride gets in the way so many times. Tell your therapist your full story. That person is there to help you and can't really do their job without your full disclosure. They are not going to judge you and I think even you know that they have heard a lot darker stories than yours so just open up and see where it takes you. It really can't hurt.
 
Welcome Bostongirl,

First of all, I am so very sorry for the loss of your Mother. I can't imagine how difficult this has been for you! The thought of losing my Mother brings such saddness to my heart that it overwhelms me with the most horrible grief imaginable. You must be such a strong person to have gotten to where you are now thru all of that heart break. I am so glad to hear you are going to see a counselor!!!!! Please be honest with her, she will not judge you, she will only help you.

To answer your question that you already answered for yourself... yes, I do agree with you that you have a problem. Good news though, there is hope and you can fight this! I agree with the previous posters though please do not drink while taking those medications because it can be deadly. You sound like you are a wonderful intelligent woman and you have a great life ahead of you.

Please make yourself at home here. I have found this site and the people here to be my life line and they have gotten me thru the worst times of my life with this addiction I fight. Please fight for yourself because if you know you have a problem now, it will only get worse and before you know it the drugs will take complete control of your life.

We are here for you and I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Many blessings to you and please keep us posted.

Be proud of yourself for taking the first step of admitting your addictions and reaching out for help!

Hang in there!
 
Alcohol and Xanax is a nightmare and Xanax is the hardest drug of all to get off of once your addicted. Problem is your doctor will likely have no clue if tyou are or not. How long have you been taking Xanax?
 
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