Disgusted

G

Gremlin

New member
Alright mofos, I'm about to get a bit serious and messy here. :sad:

Recently, someone asked me if I am happy. For some reason it's been eating at me.

I never answered the question, and you know why? It's because I am not happy. Sometimes I think I am but overall, I'm not. I used to be the type to seek out a shoulder to cry on but let's face it: this is a cold fucking world and no one gives a damn. So I stopped sharing my life, my dreams, my thoughts and my feelings with others. Why? Cause they dread people like me (depressed). We're emo or whatever the fuck it is they call it. But nevermind the labels: the general opinion seems to be that depressed people are a pain in the ass. I don't want to be a pain in anyone's ass, so I choose to live with my fears locked away nearly every day, by myself. What is the point in pouring my heart out to someone when it's just a joke to them? No matter what I say or do any other time wouldn't matter, I'd always be the "attention whore" or the crybaby. Let me tell you, it feels pretty fucking rotten to know that something that is killing you inside doesn't warrant even an ounce of compassion or concern from anybody.

Just remember that next time someone needs you. What may only take a few moments of your time could mean the world to them. Don't find out the hard way.

And no, I'm not going to go cut myself now or any other stupid shit like that. I may be unhappy, but I don't want to cause myself any harm. This is just a rant.
 
I know completely where you're coming from, and while I'm not labeled as "emo", that is only because I never have shown anyone emotion. Emotion was forced from me through grade school ridicule, so I'm called insensitive and empathetic to others because when people come along and act all depressed I'll pretty much say suck it up. If a person comes to me with a specific problem, I'll always be there for them, but if a person comes to me depressed without a reason or problem that warrants depression, they get empathy.

I do help those that need me, but only if they have a valid reason. I really like the end of your post. I hate cutters and those that feel like they can gain control by harming themselves, that's just dumb.

If you're unhappy, figure out what makes you unhappy, and, if possible, eliminate that from your day to day life. I know school sucks, etc etc. but that's not what is making you unhappy. (this is not to you specifically, but just an example in general) If you're failing at school and it's making you depressed, STUDY. There is always something a person can do to make their own life better, but there isn't a way for someone else to make a person happy if he/she can't be happy for him/herself.

My apologies if I'm not exactly being coherent in this post, but I'm drunk, and I think I'm doing a damned good job of not making any typos even if my point isn't put across the way I want it to be.
 
Hun, I was frankly being honest. On the Net, unlike many, I find it great that I can be honest. I love it. The freedom of being totally honest is great, because as pointed out by yourself, real life is less forgiving.

Are you happy Zoloft? If not... how can you become so? I bitch and moan with the best of them, but to be quite fair, I'm happy quite a bit. I have friends and family who love me, and who I do fun things I actually LIKE with. I also have a lot of fun alone sometimes, it's possible. (No sexual reference pervs) I truly wish everyone was more happy, because maybe this world wouldn't be so fucked up. It's really that simple.

You CAN be happy. You can figure out what you Really like to do, and do more of it. Of course since this is hell you have to be realistic, and while I know we don't like our jobs, we gotta pay the rent. But fuck it girl! You can have a life outside of work that does make you happy! What do you do with your time off? What do you like to do? Figure that out and you're more than halfway there! Even if you live in a shit town like mine, there are people who share your likes, you just have to find them. As much as I dislike humanity, I am drawn to it, because it's what we have. I try to make the best of it, and I've been successful so far. I'm old and fat and freaky, but I'm nice and sincere and have friends. You're young and not hard on the eyes, you seem to have a wit and a good sense of humor. These can get you into a place where if you want to be around people, you can. If you really don't want to be around people then you still have to figure out a way to be happy. Happy doesn't just happen, it's not a mistake or an accident, it's a fucking way of life. It takes planning and effort and sacrifice. But it's not impossible, if I can do it, anyone can.

Pour your heart out girl, how can I help? Ignore the losers who will make fun of you for trying to soul search, they were the bullies in highschool and who gives a fuck what they think? We'll Neg Rep them into oblivion. You can PM me if you like, I'm serious. I didn't figure it out enough to really be happy until I was about 26, so it's not like you're falling behind. Some people NEVER figure out what makes them happy, look at Bill Gates.

It's good you're thinking about this. It really is. If you can figure this out you'll be a better and happier person. I wish you all the best of luck.
 
With all due respect, Bill gates is actually a very happy man.



Alright Zoloft, answer me a couple questions.


Anything happen recently that's made you more "depressed"?
Do you dress, for lack of a better word, emo; thus causing people to label you as such?

Are you considered "loud and obnoxious" by any of your friends?
 
Yes. But that's beside my point.



When I said emo, I wasn't necessarily referring to myself. I was referring to some people's attitude towards those who are depressed.



Actually, quite the opposite. They tell me I don't talk enough.
 
People think they're so fucking perfect all the time. Everyone needs god damn help but they don't want it because they're up on their high and mighty fucking throne not caring about jack shit but themselves. Then when someone does actually genuinely care about you, it's just confusing and confusion makes you angry and you shun people away, because you're just too good to need anyone else's care. Hey, I'm not directing this at anyone in particular, but one thing I've learned about humanity is that they just don't care. Humanity as a whole doesn't see any problem in anything, they just sit on their asses and silently protest so you know what? I've gone numb to the world. I don't care about anything either. Fuck everyone and all their problems. Nobody ever gave a shit about mine whenever I tried to talk. Or maybe I'm so upset because people used to care and now they don't anymore? Who knows. I don't. All I know is nobody should give a fuck about me because I don't give a fuck about you either.

If I threadjacked, sorry, but I feel this rant fit the "disgusted" theme.

And oh yeah, :mfinger: :mfinger: :mfinger: :mfinger: :mfinger:
 
Hey ZC. You did answer the question with melanchololy "no." You're not happy. You feel despair because you get out of bed each morning only to face a heartless world full of selfish assholes who just want to prove "how much better than you they are," then turn up thier nose, sneer, and pass you by. That's bullshit though. YOU, Z Cassey [real name here] are the most important person in the world. You don't need to prove that to anyone, you just ARE. You gotta realize, No One Has Anything Over You! Those sneering a-holes are insecure little shits. When they try to make you feel low, just sigh and pity them cause thier pathetic life sucks. Your life ZC, is a beautiful, tender rosebud that blooms and adds light and magic to this world. And there is a somewhat shy, inquisitive, cute guy out there who lives to tend your garden. He wants only to get deep into the world ZC and know her innermost secrets and desires. You Don't Need Him to be Happy. But he is out there right now, feverishly seeking only YOU. You'll pull through ZC. Love.
 
Zoloft, I read this last night but it was late.

Have you thought about therapy? I know I know... everyone spouts off the "therapy" word when things get rough. But if you want someone you can unload your shit on and probably get some help from it's a great option. Most have a sliding scale so they'll basically charge you what you can afford. And you don't have to worry about them calling you a crybaby or getting all putout when you want to talk.

I've been through it myself. I wasn't happy. I had all these great things going for me and I still wasn't happy. Didn't matter what I did, I wasn't happy. I finally swallowed my pride and asked my doctor for a reference to a therapist. It helped a lot. I learned a lot about myself, found out what was causing me to be unhappy and I'll tell you, it was worth every freaking penny.

If you don't want to turn to your friends on the internet think about a therapist.
 
there's a lot of methods, as many as there are people if we are trueful as everyone addresses depression slightly differently from everyone else.
i have had problems with my joy for about 30 years, since i was pre-teen.. i was worried about it at times, like when relationships broke down or tensions arose, or when my son died. that was the main one.. i spent a lot of time staring at the void after that one.. but also after little things, i would get depressed that i was still 30 and not happy, next day i'd be depressed that i was 30 and was happy.. i guess they call it chemical imbalance and i'm just one of those people, i was artistically gifted as a kid, i was good at line drawing and music.. people like that are often emotional.. so i tried self medication, tried therapy, tried isolation, tried gritting my teeth and just getting on with life.. for a while a combination of drugs and foreign travel seemed to work but then i found myself stoned trying to jump off a cliff in nepal, ok.. maybe i need to settle down..
i settled down in america, it's kind of like being abroad but they still speak english (kind of) and i love it here.. i have distanced myself from all my past and basically reinvented myself as a less depressed person.. i get sad now.. not 'fucked up'..
i offer this not as a solution, but as a cautionary note that expectations are so high in life and sometimes, some of us have to acknowledge that we aren't the 'happy type', we will never be the life of the party and that is absolutely fine.. we are who we are and people love us for that..

oh, another thing.. those happy people, they're faking it. ;)
 
I find it easy to be honest here on the internet, because here noone knows you and people only help and give advice of what one have told to them. I couldn't before tell anyone about my feelings because I thought too it would just bother them and I couldnt look weak in their eyes..So the internet helped me out a bit atleast..the bad thoughts almost killed me.

I hope it isnt like that for you, is there a reason why you don't feel happy?
I'm always there if I see someone who's sad or is troubled..you should find someone or then just tell here..I'm always listening :hug2:
I do hope you can tell us.. :happysad:
 
You touched on something I can relate to. I was brought up with my dad whispering in my ear: Don't trust anyone, ever. It rubbed off on me, it did come from my father after all, the one person I respected the most in my life. He was my best friend. I tried to spend every moment of my time with him after my parents got divorced. We could talk about anything. He opened up to me, told me terrifying things he had done and endured. I did the same. We talked about everything under the sun. Just by being around each other we were happier. Shame one person came along and fucked it all up.

When my father committed suicide, I found myself completely lost. Who could I open up to? The grieves and horrors I was subject to leading up to his suicide was still trapped inside me, I couldn't vend it and I couldn't share it to ease the load. I wasn't able to cry, talk or relax with anyone, not because the opportunity was there but because I wouldn't allow myself.

I was lost for about 2 years in my own selfish depression. My sister broke me out of it. She reminded me that you can trust some people and that you can share yourself with others. I love my sister very dearly for that, I could of turned out to be a right mess if it wasn't for her support. Obviously, there are still deep scars left behind, but I've coped because of the unconditional love of my sister, Allie. I found a portion of happiness again.
 
WARNING: LONG

First, I'd like to thank you all for taking the time to read my little rant, and for sharing your thoughts and your stories. I was very hesitant to post this thread, but now I'm glad I did.

I suppose I ought to explain what prompted that little outburst to begin with. I often have a hard time finding the right words to describe my thoughts, so please bear with me. When I say I am depressed, I'm not referring to a mood or feeling. I'm referring to mental illness. It's been a part of my life for quite some time. As I said in my original post I used to wear it on my sleeve. I used to reach out for a helping hand, but over time I realized I was grabbing at dead air. I came to realize people have problems of their own and didn't want to hear of mine. More often than not they would trivialize my feelings and my fears, which led me to believe I was a bad person. My self- esteem has been shot for a very long time. But more on that later.

So I bottled up all my fears and put up a wall. I was angry. Angry at myself, angry at everyone and everything around me. Not only did I convince every one around me, I also convinced myself. The act soon became a reality. I pushed people away, I resisted forming new relationships, and basically kept to myself. I let people walk all over me because I simply didn't want to argue with them. I was pretty much dead inside. It doesn't help that I am part of a family who never discusses their feelings, ever. Emotion of any kind does not go over well in my household. For awhile, I spent my life just going through the motions and never putting any thought into anything.

But eventually, of course, everything starting catching up to me. By this time I had been out of high school a couple years and was becoming more familiar with the world around me. I came to see I was my own person and needed to start taking responsibilty for myself and couldn't blame my shitty feelings on everyone around me. That was where I pretty much broke down. I blamed myself for everything and, feeling ashamed, I withdrew myself from the world even more. I spent a lot of time soul searching and trying to figure out who I am. I haven't stopped since. Since I've been putting on an act for so long, it's hard to tell who the real me is. Half the time, I don't know how I really feel about anything. I don't know what if what I'm feeling is real, or if it's just another defense mechanism. Lifelong habits are hard to break, but I've been slowly but surely untying the knots and straightening the kinks.

However, every once in awhile I slip and need to start nearly all over again. Hence, the reason for this thread. Sometimes I try to describe what I am going through to my friends and family, but they don't really seem to understand. I just get frustrated and lonely sometimes and feel I have nowhere to turn. I did see a counselor for awhile, but after about six months she said I was at a point where I didn't need to come back. I've thought about going back, but it's just not in my budget. They did away with the sliding scale last year. Anyways, I don't know that I really do need to go back. I pretty much know what I need to do to turn myself and my life around. It's just very difficult, and sometimes I get impatient, overwhelmed and feel like giving up.

Anyways, I'm sorry for the length of this post. Thank you to anyone who actaully read it.
 
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