Hey Diddle Diddle!
New member
Did you ever just "wake up" one day, seven in the morning, in front of the computer, just watching the ending credits of a Sci-Fi tv show you had running on your computer... you started seeing it yesterday... saw like one-two seasons continiously. Then you remeber... you dident leave the house for atleast a week. Come to think of it, the last time you left the house was to get a haircut... You see the calendar on you computer saying August the ninth.
Two months passed since summer brake started. You start thinking what did you do in all this time. The only answer that comes up is that you saw the full seasons of Stargate SG1 and Antlantis to date on your computer, that you made your second 3D-ship model and started a small comic that you only made to prove that you can do it to yourself.
Two months. Day in, day out, not noticing that you dident sleep. You don't sleep becouse your tired anymore, but becouse you have nothing else to do. You say to yourself.. how about i just get out of the house. You pickup your cell and try and find atleast one "friend" which during your school time you consider beeing a buddy or a special someone, to call up and hang out with. You lay it back down not finding anyone... a list of 100 friends, but you realise no one that you really ever met outside school.
You go to the balcony.. look outside. You see small children from your block playing around. Suddenly realise that you never actually knew anyone in your block or even in your neibourghood. Wandering what evreyone is considering you by now.. you moved in allmost 10-12 years ago but you never met anyone. You probably think they all go "freak" behind your back evreytime you leave the house to do anything. You start remeber hearing your parents in the kitchen talking about how "you should get out more" or the fact that your cell phone dident ring or no one called the house wanting to talk to you.
You realise that something is wrong with you... your best friend is someone you found over the internet over 2 years ago. He is the closest thing to a real friend you got. Allways there for you, laughing together on jokes you can both understand... having someone to talk to when you have another dream about the girl in school that you seriously loved. Evreytime that you wake up, wandering why the hell dident you say anything to her... 3 years passed since you went your seperate ways to highschool. You never got back with her.. or even talked.. you remeber her birthday... february 24'th. She allways sent you e-cards for christmas, easter on your birthday and you allways send some back. You allways wander why you don't just pickup the phone and do it. You laugh... you saw too many movies and series, life's not like on TV. Most likely you'll get blown off..it's three years dude.. by now she's probably a totaly diffrent person. Your mind stards to wonder.
Wake up to the reality of a morning sun shinign throu the window right into your face, blinding you. You've been blind a long time, why bother now. You lay back, sun bright in your face, rembering the good old days in school. You had friends... you had good friends. You had people you chould talk to when you were scared, or anxious. You dident have to worry about appearange or image or any of that stuff that you don't evne consider now.
People wonder why you don't brush your hair.. why you wear the same , bought off, diffrent stylezed cloaths, evreyday, why you don't really care what the "trend" is, why when people start humming a local hit you ask what it's called, why your not particularily a "clean and shiney" person. They don't realise... you don't do any of those things becouse you know it whouldent matter, you don't have anyone or anything to do them for. Those people may be friends but you whouldent consider calling them "your" friends. Just... social aquaintances.
Your mom wakes up... asks you if you just gotten up or dident go to sleep yet. You don't answer.. she knows. It's another of those days where you don't sleep for two days and a night and the next night you sleep that and another full day. Just bastradizing yourself in a puddle of what you thing of as your existance. You ask yourself WHAT THE HELL was your life to this certain point. What did you do that deserves respect.. and to that matter.. what did you do that atleast chould be told at a party as a story... nothing. Coming to parties.. you think your not a party guy. You don't know becouse you've only been to two or three parties in your life and they were all "PG-13".
You barely wait for collage, getting out of the house.. a new enviroment.. you think that will be your escape. Escape from what? The life you do... the parents. You might have a "good" relationship with your parents, in a "leave me alone and i'll leave you alone style". You are extra carefull to NOT let them discover who you are.. what music you like, what do you do... you rember that time you did the comic.. that your dad saw you were drawing someone or soemthign at a computer.. he asked "is that you?" with a slight grin to your face.. you werent mad about the comment but about the fact that he knows something about you know.. what you do. Evreytime you listen to music.. it's on your headphones.. never on speakers. You even stop using speakers. And whenever your dad or mom comes by.. you put the headphones in your hands to cover the sound, to not let them on.
Your afraid to get judged it seems.. even by your parents. You dident get any "Style" of anything simpyl becouse either you dident have any friends to get it form or beocuse oyu whould fear that your parents whould have known something else about you. You are a good person... you are gentle, calm, a true gentleman, a hopeless romantic, crazy humorist, and you do your best to make other people happy. One of the few real altruists out there that even help their "enemies" becouse they are need it. You pay for it most of the time, swearing you whould never do it againg.. but you do. Sometimes you realise that you just trust people too much.
People using you... Notice that the sun is still bright in your face.. you pull down the black curtains... the room gets a shade of dark blue from the curtains. You look around.. remebering where this started from. You wanted to do something today.. something that whould make it diffrent, better. Even is losing who you are for a day... a day you whould try and be "normal", not considering the biggest problem of your life beeing the ISP changing their supplyer making you have +500 pings on your net connection.
At the begging of the summer brake you had in mind to get a job.. make some cash... make a girlfriend...go to the seaside with your uncle to help him out with a shop. You see it's august and you dident even get to do anything of those things. You never can. All the girls in school seem to be the stereotypical egocentricly challanged "surface", exterior kind of persons. No one that you whould think "worthy". You realise that you might have gotten "someone" just not the "one". Then again.. you never tried. You remeber reading something on the net about the "fear of the no".. for you it's something more. You take evrey challange and you win it. Aslong as it invovles only a machine and not a human component.
You imagine yourself beeing more loose... having friends, going to parties.. that's who you'd like to be.. or most liek to be like.. but you know that you cannot be that person..you can't evne imagine just picking up that balsted phone and calling just anyone to hang out. They might not be in the same "social circle" that you are in but no one is perfect.. you consider yourself selfish now for thinking you are superior to their teen attitudes and reckless beheiviour, but you know thats what you'd like to be and just ignore the feeling.
When you start googleing for your old friends trying to get back with them.. grab their MSN/Yahoo ID.. and just when your close to adding them you think.. they don't even remeber me.. thinking back to a school class reunion you had once and evreyone was surprised you came. You remeber a girl you made an impresion on that reunioun.. she was the first crush you had in your life. The night came to an end each one of use ammicaly taking our goodbyes. I was thinking i' get her Yahoo or cell phone from one of those friends... only little that i knew i never got to see them or talk to them.
I return from my memories in the same sweaty chair that i sat in before i started to think of my life in perspective, typing to the same dirt filled, crabby keyboard with a mouse that if it lasted this long, should be considered "hardcore". You start to burst a bit into laughting thinking the world dosent care about your most dark and hardenent feelings.. at this moment in time only YOU know and care about what you have or dont have.. feel or don't feel.
Your back to square one.. blowing off the ideea of calling someone up or talking to a "friend". You know you can't do it.. you just CAN'T... You feel the need to talk to someone.. tell what your feeling.. what your thinking. You have no one. You stare in the blank... you open up your browser and type in www.wtf.com. You push to post a new thread... you type in the title..."Did you ever..."
PS: I'm not looking for simpathy.. i'm not looking to be treated like this was a page from my blog. I don't want people going like "i know how you feel". I do NOT want anyone to say that i'm only posting this to get an audience. I must be crazy to even think of sharing this but i needed to get it out. And my mouse hangs over the Submit New Thread option...
Two months passed since summer brake started. You start thinking what did you do in all this time. The only answer that comes up is that you saw the full seasons of Stargate SG1 and Antlantis to date on your computer, that you made your second 3D-ship model and started a small comic that you only made to prove that you can do it to yourself.
Two months. Day in, day out, not noticing that you dident sleep. You don't sleep becouse your tired anymore, but becouse you have nothing else to do. You say to yourself.. how about i just get out of the house. You pickup your cell and try and find atleast one "friend" which during your school time you consider beeing a buddy or a special someone, to call up and hang out with. You lay it back down not finding anyone... a list of 100 friends, but you realise no one that you really ever met outside school.
You go to the balcony.. look outside. You see small children from your block playing around. Suddenly realise that you never actually knew anyone in your block or even in your neibourghood. Wandering what evreyone is considering you by now.. you moved in allmost 10-12 years ago but you never met anyone. You probably think they all go "freak" behind your back evreytime you leave the house to do anything. You start remeber hearing your parents in the kitchen talking about how "you should get out more" or the fact that your cell phone dident ring or no one called the house wanting to talk to you.
You realise that something is wrong with you... your best friend is someone you found over the internet over 2 years ago. He is the closest thing to a real friend you got. Allways there for you, laughing together on jokes you can both understand... having someone to talk to when you have another dream about the girl in school that you seriously loved. Evreytime that you wake up, wandering why the hell dident you say anything to her... 3 years passed since you went your seperate ways to highschool. You never got back with her.. or even talked.. you remeber her birthday... february 24'th. She allways sent you e-cards for christmas, easter on your birthday and you allways send some back. You allways wander why you don't just pickup the phone and do it. You laugh... you saw too many movies and series, life's not like on TV. Most likely you'll get blown off..it's three years dude.. by now she's probably a totaly diffrent person. Your mind stards to wonder.
Wake up to the reality of a morning sun shinign throu the window right into your face, blinding you. You've been blind a long time, why bother now. You lay back, sun bright in your face, rembering the good old days in school. You had friends... you had good friends. You had people you chould talk to when you were scared, or anxious. You dident have to worry about appearange or image or any of that stuff that you don't evne consider now.
People wonder why you don't brush your hair.. why you wear the same , bought off, diffrent stylezed cloaths, evreyday, why you don't really care what the "trend" is, why when people start humming a local hit you ask what it's called, why your not particularily a "clean and shiney" person. They don't realise... you don't do any of those things becouse you know it whouldent matter, you don't have anyone or anything to do them for. Those people may be friends but you whouldent consider calling them "your" friends. Just... social aquaintances.
Your mom wakes up... asks you if you just gotten up or dident go to sleep yet. You don't answer.. she knows. It's another of those days where you don't sleep for two days and a night and the next night you sleep that and another full day. Just bastradizing yourself in a puddle of what you thing of as your existance. You ask yourself WHAT THE HELL was your life to this certain point. What did you do that deserves respect.. and to that matter.. what did you do that atleast chould be told at a party as a story... nothing. Coming to parties.. you think your not a party guy. You don't know becouse you've only been to two or three parties in your life and they were all "PG-13".
You barely wait for collage, getting out of the house.. a new enviroment.. you think that will be your escape. Escape from what? The life you do... the parents. You might have a "good" relationship with your parents, in a "leave me alone and i'll leave you alone style". You are extra carefull to NOT let them discover who you are.. what music you like, what do you do... you rember that time you did the comic.. that your dad saw you were drawing someone or soemthign at a computer.. he asked "is that you?" with a slight grin to your face.. you werent mad about the comment but about the fact that he knows something about you know.. what you do. Evreytime you listen to music.. it's on your headphones.. never on speakers. You even stop using speakers. And whenever your dad or mom comes by.. you put the headphones in your hands to cover the sound, to not let them on.
Your afraid to get judged it seems.. even by your parents. You dident get any "Style" of anything simpyl becouse either you dident have any friends to get it form or beocuse oyu whould fear that your parents whould have known something else about you. You are a good person... you are gentle, calm, a true gentleman, a hopeless romantic, crazy humorist, and you do your best to make other people happy. One of the few real altruists out there that even help their "enemies" becouse they are need it. You pay for it most of the time, swearing you whould never do it againg.. but you do. Sometimes you realise that you just trust people too much.
People using you... Notice that the sun is still bright in your face.. you pull down the black curtains... the room gets a shade of dark blue from the curtains. You look around.. remebering where this started from. You wanted to do something today.. something that whould make it diffrent, better. Even is losing who you are for a day... a day you whould try and be "normal", not considering the biggest problem of your life beeing the ISP changing their supplyer making you have +500 pings on your net connection.
At the begging of the summer brake you had in mind to get a job.. make some cash... make a girlfriend...go to the seaside with your uncle to help him out with a shop. You see it's august and you dident even get to do anything of those things. You never can. All the girls in school seem to be the stereotypical egocentricly challanged "surface", exterior kind of persons. No one that you whould think "worthy". You realise that you might have gotten "someone" just not the "one". Then again.. you never tried. You remeber reading something on the net about the "fear of the no".. for you it's something more. You take evrey challange and you win it. Aslong as it invovles only a machine and not a human component.
You imagine yourself beeing more loose... having friends, going to parties.. that's who you'd like to be.. or most liek to be like.. but you know that you cannot be that person..you can't evne imagine just picking up that balsted phone and calling just anyone to hang out. They might not be in the same "social circle" that you are in but no one is perfect.. you consider yourself selfish now for thinking you are superior to their teen attitudes and reckless beheiviour, but you know thats what you'd like to be and just ignore the feeling.
When you start googleing for your old friends trying to get back with them.. grab their MSN/Yahoo ID.. and just when your close to adding them you think.. they don't even remeber me.. thinking back to a school class reunion you had once and evreyone was surprised you came. You remeber a girl you made an impresion on that reunioun.. she was the first crush you had in your life. The night came to an end each one of use ammicaly taking our goodbyes. I was thinking i' get her Yahoo or cell phone from one of those friends... only little that i knew i never got to see them or talk to them.
I return from my memories in the same sweaty chair that i sat in before i started to think of my life in perspective, typing to the same dirt filled, crabby keyboard with a mouse that if it lasted this long, should be considered "hardcore". You start to burst a bit into laughting thinking the world dosent care about your most dark and hardenent feelings.. at this moment in time only YOU know and care about what you have or dont have.. feel or don't feel.
Your back to square one.. blowing off the ideea of calling someone up or talking to a "friend". You know you can't do it.. you just CAN'T... You feel the need to talk to someone.. tell what your feeling.. what your thinking. You have no one. You stare in the blank... you open up your browser and type in www.wtf.com. You push to post a new thread... you type in the title..."Did you ever..."
PS: I'm not looking for simpathy.. i'm not looking to be treated like this was a page from my blog. I don't want people going like "i know how you feel". I do NOT want anyone to say that i'm only posting this to get an audience. I must be crazy to even think of sharing this but i needed to get it out. And my mouse hangs over the Submit New Thread option...