Depressed with Cravings

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Wild Irish Rose

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:confused: I've been really lucky and haven't had a lot of cravings, being on suboxone for the last year. Just lately, the last few weeks or so, I've started getting very depressed (I'm bipolar), and the cravings have been driving me crazy! I've even thought of taking more sub than prescribed, just to see if it would give me the warm fuzzies, but I haven't, and I know I can't, and I won't.

I'm even dreaming about using...but just dreaming, very realistically (color and sound, just like a movie) about the things I used to do...going to doc, pharmacy, the pill bottles, all those nice pills....I usually wake up very abruptly, trying to catch my breath, even feeling a bit high, and it takes me about an hour to get back to normal. If I've woken in the middle of the night, I fight going back to sleep because I don't want the dream to repeat, which makes me knocked out during the day, which makes the depression worse, which makes the cravings....you know what I mean.

I have cravings during the day, too, pretty bad ones (thinking about how I can get a new doc who doesn't know about my addiction, or con one of my existing docs), but at least when I'm awake and those start, I can distract myself...doing some laundry/housecleaning, going out with one of my sons or by myself, playing with the dog, even reading...but these dreams are just killing me, and then I obsess about them all day long.

I know "using dreams" are pretty common, I guess I just need a bit more support. I don't see my addictions doc for 2 weeks, and I'll tell him about this when I see him, but in the meantime? I just feel like I'm going nuts, because I thought I was doing so well, and this has just come out of the blue.

I hate this, and I'm feeling very weak.

Thanks for reading my whining, everyone, and I hope you all are having a good day :).
 
WIR,
I'm sorry you're having such a rough go of it right now. I'm also bi-polar, on Effexor & Lamictal and suboxone now for nearly 3 months. I've hit a brick wall and feel the depression coming on also. My doc upped my Effexor by another 75mg, from 225mg to 300mg just a week ago but I've developed a nasty and painful/itchy rash and it may be from that so I went back down to my lower dose. I don't know about you but when I get depressed all I want to do is isolate & sleep. Perhaps getting out and about with frienRAB or your kiRAB & dogs and doing something with other people, or going to a meeting like other suggested would help. I can give advice but taking my own is hard for me.
I had the using dreams like crazy when I went to rehab. I haven't had any yet being on suboxone but I know how they can trip you out something terrible. Sometimes I'd wake up and wonder, did I really take that?? It would take me hours to get back to reality and realize it was just a dream and I didn't use.
I've heard that if you dream about using and you choose NOT to use in the dream, then you are pretty solid in your recovery. If in the dream you actually use, it can be a warning sign that you need to be careful and watch out as you might be in a very vulnerable place. I don't know how much of that I believe but I do know the dreams are disturbing.
Do your symptoms of depression get worse this time of year, as summer is ending? Mine really do and I have to keep a close eye on whether I'm falling into that dark hole again. I think it's a good idea to give your husband your suboxone pills. You won't get a high from taking more because of the ceiling effect so don't even bother trying. The cravings are hard but think through everything that would happen if you took that FIRST pill.....you couldn't stop. You do have a choice to take or not to take that first one, after that, your ability to choose is gone, the drug will have taken over and your addiction will be off and running. You don't want that, I know, I don't want that and we're all here struggling and fighting for the same thing...peace, serenity, happiness, without the drugs!!
Take care of yourself and I hope you start feeling better soon. I'll be thinking of you.

KEW
 
Rose, just wanted to say hi and see how you're doing. Oh, and also mention I had my first "using" dream last night. It was a doozy -- I was in the hood scoring heroin. But I never did use it, because the dream went off on a different tangent....you know how that goes. I think what happened was that all these obstacles kept being thrown in my path, so that I couldn't get to actually use the stuff. Hmmm, maybe some kind of subliminal message.

I can also tell you that when I stopped smoking 20+ years ago, I had "smoking" dreams for years -- and I would wake up thinking I had smoked and would be so upset with myself. So I guess when pills, dope or cigarettes have been the focus of our lives for so long, we are going to end up dreaming about them. The good news is, after a few years, I no longer had "smoking" dreams, so eventually that obsession fades and is no longer the focus of our sub-conscious.

Hope you're feeling better, please check in when you can.
 
Wild,

After one week clean, I had my first bad cravings yesterday. I'm not on sub because I've no had any WD symptoms--except for that jonesin' yesterday--so, I can really appreciate what you're suffering through.

What REALLY has seemed to help me is to just keep as busy as possible. With back-to-school there's plenty to do, plus I'm also doing a wrap-up-all-loose-enRAB kind of approach. Almost without thought, I just keep putting one foot in front of the other.

I also have major depressive disorder, with a subset bi-polar--no mania ever though--and ADD. My psychotropics are great, vyvance, abilify, lamictal, and trazadone at night.

Is your prescribing doc a psychiatrist, or a primary care physicia? I've read that over 50% of all psych meRAB are rx'd by PCPs. It sounRAB like you have a complex brain chemistry and IMHO only a psychiatrist should deal with multiple diagnoses.

I'm a firm believer that the right corabination and dosage of meRAB *can* relieve all symptoms of depression. The trick is, of course, finding that and sometimes it can take a long, long time with a systematic trial of medications.

Prayers will be lifted for you, and all of us here, today.
 
It sounRAB like you might need to get your doctor to adjust one of your medications for the bipolar/depression. I can tell you that whenever my depression is worse, my cravings start and they get worse. That is what led to my recent relaps. I got to the point of being depressed, staying in bed, not wanting to get up, and then figured the one thing that can make me feel better... well you know what happened next. Anyway, maybe you could try getting to an NA meeting. I know that I need to get back to going regularly as well. I know what you mean about the "using dreams". It is usually our subconcious coming out and you were thinking about "using" during the daytime or right before going to sleep.

Just keep in mind that the dreams and the using thoughts are merely thoughts. It's what we do with those thoughts that is important. We can focus on them, make them stronger and allow them to control us, or we can say "oh yeah that was a using thought. oh well time to get back to dealing with life on life's terms. Keep us posted and I will try to do the same. I need to get back to calling my sponsor. That was so great to be able to call him any time I was starting to have bad cravings or using dreams.

brian
 
ReD, thanks for your input. I'm not quite sure of what the "cascade effect" is, tho I think I partially understand. I've been on various psychiatric meRAB for 30+ years, and on these particular meRAB for 2+ years, except for the Abilify. I've stopped taking that 2 days ago because of a bad side effect, and now I've got a very mild WD going from that (which I didn't know was going to happen). The dreams are really post-dating the Wellbutrin, and seem to have started more around the time I started the Abilify, so I'll see how it goes.

Secrets, I know I"m not the only one, but it's hard for me to post/write when I'm feeling like this (could I get some cheese with that whine :o?). That doesn't mean I won't try, tho, cause you all make it so easy. If the cravings get worse, I'll get in touch with my sub doc. I know he won't up the dose, tho; he's said once I get on a certain dose, there's no going "back", only forward. He might keep me at this dose for a while longer, tho. In any event, I know I have to tell him about this to make it possible for him to give me the treatment I need.

Kew, I'm just like you: isolate, and sleep, sleep, sleep!!! I had a situation come up the other day that helped a bit, however backward that sounRAB. My youngest son got stranded in the airport in St. Louis, MO (I'm in the Chic. burbs) and my middle son and I drove down to pick him up!!! We left at 9pm last Tuesday, and got back at about 11am Wednesday, so that certainly got me out and about, even if it was in the middle of the night. Of course, it was an automatic fibro flare, which I'm still not over, but I can see the light at the end. I did give my hubby the sub, even tho I wouldn't get anything out of upping my dose, just because I feel safer that way and feeling safe right now is important. In the dreams, I don't remeraber actually using, just waking up gulping for air thinking "DANGER! DANGER!".

NP, I'm sorry you had the using dream, tho it sounRAB so common for us. I"m also trying to quit smoking right now, but I haven't had a smoking dream yet, maybe cause I"m "tapering" :dizzy:. Haven't had any using dreams the last few nights, either, and cravings are getting better, but still there. I just wish my hubby and I could talk about this better, but that's just not the way it is, and tho I know my sons have a lot of empathy, I really don't feel I can lay this on them; I already laid too much on them, and they can't be my therapist/addictions doctors, too.

Reader, thanks for your advice, too. My doc is definitely a psychiatrist, an older woman who I've been with for about 6 years, and I've got a lot of confidence in her. It just seems that we get these stupid meRAB stabilized, I start feeling better, and then the bottom drops out again. Fortunately the hypomania is so much better controlled than the depression, but I'd almost rather have the hypomania (not really). I do get the seasonal depressions, but not usually this early, so that's kinda thrown me for a loop, but I absolutely know that the sleep deprivation throws my whole system out of whack, just like anyone else, and that could be the problem with this whole cycle, the insomnia. Reader, I'm so sorry you've been jonesing, let's just hold virtual hanRAB thru this, ok?

Thanks to everyone, I'll try to keep writing because I just love the heck out of all of you, and I can't even explain how much you're helping me.

I'll be thinking of all of you, and sending out prayers for all of us to be strong and peaceful.

rose
 
Brian, thanks for the advice. At this point, I'm not sure what else or what dosages of meRAB I could try that I haven't already been on. I'm currently on Cyrabalta (both for depression and pain), Wellbutrin, Lamictal (as a mood stabilizer). Abilify was just added as an adjunct to the other ARAB because they weren't controlling the depression. The hypomania has been very stable, it's just the depression that still knocks me down.

I know this is a cycle for me: pain, sleeplessness, depression and now cravings. It doesn't always go in that order, but those are always the components, and until this awful craving hit, I was almost used to the way that cycle goes. I'm just worried that by having the sub around, I'll be tempted to see if it does anything. I think I'll give it to my husband to hold for me, at least until this passes.

I've just been laying around on the couch all the time, which of course is fertile ground for cravings - no distractions except reading and TV. I know this will pass, and I appreciate what you said about "thoughts", because I know that's true and I needed the reminder.

rose
 
Wild Irish Rose, I am sorry you are dealing with this difficulty. I noticed these meRAB you named and put them into a drug interaction checker. You might want to explore whether all of these together might be "messing you up" so to speak. There is a thing called the "cascade effect" where people have more and more scripts added to their daily medicine neeRAB, and often, those prescriptions are a result of complications of the ones you are already on, or interactions between them. Docs are real good at just slapping another pill on you.

I had crazy vivid dreams when I was trying to take the Wellbutrin. I just had to stop it and when I did, my sleep vastly improved.

In the meantime, it sounRAB like an NA meeting or a call to your addiction doc for an earlier appointment might help. Face to face with people who make you feel accountable and also understand what you are going through make such a difference!
 
Honey, first and foremost I want to say I think you are doing a great job! I know how hard this struggle is... It's rotten in every way shape and form. However, after the trauma of just coming off the meRAB goes away we learn so very much about ourselves and others.

Those lessons I have learned mean more to me than anyone could imagine.

I know you can make it! I know you can. Rose, I think you are a strong willed woman who has probaby had to overcome a lot in her life and I have faith you can overcome this too and add it to the list of "I AM ONE BAD A$$ WOMAN" LIST.

Keep posting when you can my dear! KEEP GOING! I believe in you! :wave:
 
Hey you!

I am so sorry to hear of your struggles! Boy, have I been there just minus the sub. The cravings and anxiety and depression were just too much for me to handle at times... I would come on here and just write, write, write!!!! I know there are MANY threaRAB that I started about CRAVINGS! They were horrible and they still are. They have gotten better with time but it's miserable when they hit.

Is there any way you can get in touch with your Dr. because it sounRAB like maybe your Sub dose neeRAB to be changed???? I didn't think you were supposed to have cravings while on that med.... However, I am no expert!

You hang in there and keep yourself busy!!!! It's the best cure. And POST!! Get it off your chest here....

I will say extra prayers for you!
XOXOOX
 
Thanks, Secrets. It's been a while since I've been here, think I have some of the depression issues resolved (last time I saw my psych she made a change in med), but just dealing with pain has kept me off the computer.

I know one of the problems has been our weather here in the Midwest. It's been cool, rainy and humid, and that always aggravates pain. I just wish there was a middle ground for me between abusing/addictive behavior, and using per doc's prescription for pain. Aarrgghh!

We're going out of town at the end of this week, last little vacation before fall really sets in, and I just hope I can make it ok. It's 6-7 hours driving, and I try to change off with my hubby, but sometimes I just can't, and the way his car seat is, after about 30 min I'm very uncomfortable and it gets worse as the time goes on, even with frequent stops.

My sub doc also lowered my dose. I asked him to wait til after vacation, but he was adamant about lowering it now, and that always seems to kick pain into a higher gear, at least for a week or so. Oh, well, I guess just getting away will be nice, even if I spend the week lying on the couch.

I might not be here til we get back, so I'll be thinking of all of you and wishing you all peace and contentment.

rose
 
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