Thanks Music, I appreciate your kind worRAB.
The most important thing to remeraber, out of everything you're going through, is how you feel right now. You don't ever want to go through this again. Withdrawal from opiates is by far, the worst feeling I've ever experienced (and I've had natural labor and kidney stones lol).
When we relapse, we don't think about day 3 or 4 of w/d. Even if it crosses our minRAB, we don't care. We have tunnel vision and taking those pills is gonna happen, regardless.
I have come a long way since my days of using, but I don't think for one moment that I'm recovered. I have to be vigilante regardless of how I'm feeling. Normally, this would be a time that I didn't work on my recovery - I don't have cravings, don't think of pills, and I feel wonderful lately - but looking back, it wasn't long after those feelings that I relapsed.
I start each day out with a gratitude list. The first thing I write down, every day, is that I'm grateful to be clean and happy. Next is my daughters, then hubby, then family etc. Then I go back and look at each thing I wrote down, and I picture my life if I was using. That kicks my butt into reality from the very start of my day.
It may seem like this is neverending, and believe me I'm still well aware of what day 4 feels like - I'll never forget. What is your plan once the heebie-jeebies settle down? I'm sure you don't want to even consider anything at the moment, but you need a plan. Something has to be different about "this time." Make sense?
You seem like a strong person and not just because you're handling the w/d, but because you know what you want in life and you're trying to achieve it. Don't lose site of those goals. Although they may seem far from your reach, trust me, anything is possible. I once felt like I was going to die using pills. I don't mean "from" using them, but I didn't think I'd ever live life without pills. It just didn't seem possible. Now, I'm happy as a pig in sh*t and life has meaning again. I look back on my days in Rehab and the tools I've learned, and I never thought I'd be where I am. I still have a sponsor, although I do not attend NA meetings anymore (long story - I had a stalker in Toronto and haven't reached out to any groups yet here in NC - We moved from Toronto, Canada to NC in May for a job relocation). I call my sponsor at least once a day. He is wonderful - 14 years clean and very wise. He puts me in my place when I need it but in a firm/caring way. Do you have someone like that you can talk to?
Ok, I didn't realize this was going to be a novel (sorry so long). Keep your goals in mind, and figure out what's going to be different this time.
I hope tomorrow is better than today...
emsmom
