Dance With Me?...Comments welcome?

  • Thread starter Thread starter flutterbypurr
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flutterbypurr

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...I hope to find
within the sun
Your light
Your shine

your magic
my tragic...

...dream come true

your blessings
your heart dancing
my life prancing
our lives

our precious lives
tangeled up
knotted
and tied

...forever

dance with me...
take my...
shallows
draw me deep

...forever

sparkle...
just once more.
thank you,
once again...

...forever
 
Well, it's nice, and certainly lyrical, and perhaps can be easily set to music, and so you have done well.

except ...

that little line of your "tragic dream" which is sort of like a small, but granite-like, stumbling block with all the other quite inventive and cuddly images of dancing and etc.

So, very few words rhyme with magic, or tragic, and I cannot fit pelagic, so why don't you try some synonymous idea? Some of the synonyms for magic are: charming, conjurious, deceptive, illusion, illusory, legerdemain, sorcerous, supernatural, trick, witching, and wizardly.

Good luck with the next rewrite, but be careful, the rest of it is so nicely witty.
 
Well, it's nice, and certainly lyrical, and perhaps can be easily set to music, and so you have done well.

except ...

that little line of your "tragic dream" which is sort of like a small, but granite-like, stumbling block with all the other quite inventive and cuddly images of dancing and etc.

So, very few words rhyme with magic, or tragic, and I cannot fit pelagic, so why don't you try some synonymous idea? Some of the synonyms for magic are: charming, conjurious, deceptive, illusion, illusory, legerdemain, sorcerous, supernatural, trick, witching, and wizardly.

Good luck with the next rewrite, but be careful, the rest of it is so nicely witty.
 
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