O
Olive Jones
Guest
Meet Olive Jones
My name is Olive Jones. Before I tell you my story, let me say that I am a guy and I just have a girl’s name. Here is my life story. In August of 1980 my parents were driving home from the beach when they stopped for some snacks. They pulled into Grubby Mart Stop and Shop. When they got in my dad Tim whispered to my mom Judith,
“Hey honey, why don’t we have a little fun time, if you know what I mean?”
“Oh baby, I would love to.” They went into the family restaurant and before you know it, I was conceived. Being made in a gas station, that’s just wrong. My parents went to the doctor a few months later to find my gender. The doctor gave my mom an ultrasound and said,
“Her heartbeat is very strong.” Unfortunately, they thought he meant my heartbeat was very strong, while he meant my mom’s heartbeat was very strong. They ran out in excitement before the doctor could say I was a boy. They bought a bunch of pink. Pink clothes, pink accessories, and even pink food. I wouldn’t be surprised if they had called me pinky.
Anyway, on May 24th, 1981, they were driving to the store when my mom craved a slushy. They pulled over at, coincidentally, the same gas station they made me in, and got out. My mom walked over to the slushy machine, and as she pulled the handle, I started coming.
“Help, the baby’s coming,” my mom screamed. My dad rushed to her.
“Are you okay?” he frantically asked.
“What do you think?”
The attendant yelled, “What do I do?”
“Call 911,” Dad ordered, “It’s okay honey, just do Lamaze.”
“Screw Lamaze, get this baby out now.”
“Come on let’s go to the car.”
“We don’t have time it’s coming.” Mom grabbed the slushy handle, and pulled down every time she pushed. After 5 minutes of labor I came out. Mom, covered in slushy, held me in her arms. Dad went over and pointed to my stomach area.
“Hey, is that the umbilical cord?” Dad asked.
“No you dummy, that’s a penis.” They looked at each other.
“A penis?” They said at the same time.
“It’s a boy!” Mom cheered.
“But what do we name him?”
“I don’t know,” She looked at my eyes, “Look at those Olive eyes Tim.”
“Wait a minute?”
“Why don’t we call him Olive?” They agreed. That was how I, a beautiful, and sexy, baby with dark, black hair, and green eyes, got a girl’s name.
One Weird Family
For as long as I can remember, my family has been rather, well, different. First on my list is great grandma Betty. What could be weird about a sweet old lady? Everything in this case. A month or two after my birth, after mom’s maternity leave, my mom took me over to Betty’s house, so she could watch me. The first thing Betty did was invite her boyfriend over to stay for a while. That wouldn’t be so weird, but Betty was 81, while her boyfriend Greg, was 41. He got over and Betty, not knowing what to do with me, put me in her toilet for a “bath,” while her and Greg has some alone time. While I didn’t know what they were doing then, now I know they were doing a bit more than talking, if you know what I mean. When mom came back, she went to the bathroom to see me in the toilet.
“Oh my god,” She screamed, “BETTY.” When Betty didn’t answer, mom went to Betty’s room to see them under the sheets.
“Hi Judy, you’re back early?” Betty said.
“Yes, now what was Olive doing in the toilet, and what are you doing here?”
“Olive was taking a bath, and we were having some alone time.”
“Alone time?”
“Yes, and the key work there is alone, now can me and Greg be alone?”
“Of course, and you will never watch Olive again.”
“Okay, bye hon.” Mom stormed out with me and left.
Now to talk about aunt Rhoda and uncle Chip. Let’s start with Aunt Rhoda. When she was little, like around 8 years old, she stared in a movie. I don’t mean she was the star, I mean she was a classmate in the background that had one speaking line, “Paraguay.” But ever since then, she has acted like a total diva. My uncle chip was another classmate in the same movie. His one speaking line was, “Uruguay.” They met on the set of the movie and have been in love ever since. Well, became friends on set, and fell in love when puberty kicked in.
Last is my cousin Avery. It’s not that he is weird; it’s just that I had a bad experience with him. When I was 6, and he was 7, he was holding his hamster. Avery told to get on the ground and his hamster would crawl on my face. It did until it got angry, and bit my left eyelid.
“Help, it’s attacking me!” I screamed frantically. Avery took it off and apologized. I went inside, and his mom, my aunt, Nora cleaned it off. My uncle Dominic gave me a bandage.
As much as I would love to rant some more about my family, I have more important things to tell you. Like the day I met Olivia.
My name is Olive Jones. Before I tell you my story, let me say that I am a guy and I just have a girl’s name. Here is my life story. In August of 1980 my parents were driving home from the beach when they stopped for some snacks. They pulled into Grubby Mart Stop and Shop. When they got in my dad Tim whispered to my mom Judith,
“Hey honey, why don’t we have a little fun time, if you know what I mean?”
“Oh baby, I would love to.” They went into the family restaurant and before you know it, I was conceived. Being made in a gas station, that’s just wrong. My parents went to the doctor a few months later to find my gender. The doctor gave my mom an ultrasound and said,
“Her heartbeat is very strong.” Unfortunately, they thought he meant my heartbeat was very strong, while he meant my mom’s heartbeat was very strong. They ran out in excitement before the doctor could say I was a boy. They bought a bunch of pink. Pink clothes, pink accessories, and even pink food. I wouldn’t be surprised if they had called me pinky.
Anyway, on May 24th, 1981, they were driving to the store when my mom craved a slushy. They pulled over at, coincidentally, the same gas station they made me in, and got out. My mom walked over to the slushy machine, and as she pulled the handle, I started coming.
“Help, the baby’s coming,” my mom screamed. My dad rushed to her.
“Are you okay?” he frantically asked.
“What do you think?”
The attendant yelled, “What do I do?”
“Call 911,” Dad ordered, “It’s okay honey, just do Lamaze.”
“Screw Lamaze, get this baby out now.”
“Come on let’s go to the car.”
“We don’t have time it’s coming.” Mom grabbed the slushy handle, and pulled down every time she pushed. After 5 minutes of labor I came out. Mom, covered in slushy, held me in her arms. Dad went over and pointed to my stomach area.
“Hey, is that the umbilical cord?” Dad asked.
“No you dummy, that’s a penis.” They looked at each other.
“A penis?” They said at the same time.
“It’s a boy!” Mom cheered.
“But what do we name him?”
“I don’t know,” She looked at my eyes, “Look at those Olive eyes Tim.”
“Wait a minute?”
“Why don’t we call him Olive?” They agreed. That was how I, a beautiful, and sexy, baby with dark, black hair, and green eyes, got a girl’s name.
One Weird Family
For as long as I can remember, my family has been rather, well, different. First on my list is great grandma Betty. What could be weird about a sweet old lady? Everything in this case. A month or two after my birth, after mom’s maternity leave, my mom took me over to Betty’s house, so she could watch me. The first thing Betty did was invite her boyfriend over to stay for a while. That wouldn’t be so weird, but Betty was 81, while her boyfriend Greg, was 41. He got over and Betty, not knowing what to do with me, put me in her toilet for a “bath,” while her and Greg has some alone time. While I didn’t know what they were doing then, now I know they were doing a bit more than talking, if you know what I mean. When mom came back, she went to the bathroom to see me in the toilet.
“Oh my god,” She screamed, “BETTY.” When Betty didn’t answer, mom went to Betty’s room to see them under the sheets.
“Hi Judy, you’re back early?” Betty said.
“Yes, now what was Olive doing in the toilet, and what are you doing here?”
“Olive was taking a bath, and we were having some alone time.”
“Alone time?”
“Yes, and the key work there is alone, now can me and Greg be alone?”
“Of course, and you will never watch Olive again.”
“Okay, bye hon.” Mom stormed out with me and left.
Now to talk about aunt Rhoda and uncle Chip. Let’s start with Aunt Rhoda. When she was little, like around 8 years old, she stared in a movie. I don’t mean she was the star, I mean she was a classmate in the background that had one speaking line, “Paraguay.” But ever since then, she has acted like a total diva. My uncle chip was another classmate in the same movie. His one speaking line was, “Uruguay.” They met on the set of the movie and have been in love ever since. Well, became friends on set, and fell in love when puberty kicked in.
Last is my cousin Avery. It’s not that he is weird; it’s just that I had a bad experience with him. When I was 6, and he was 7, he was holding his hamster. Avery told to get on the ground and his hamster would crawl on my face. It did until it got angry, and bit my left eyelid.
“Help, it’s attacking me!” I screamed frantically. Avery took it off and apologized. I went inside, and his mom, my aunt, Nora cleaned it off. My uncle Dominic gave me a bandage.
As much as I would love to rant some more about my family, I have more important things to tell you. Like the day I met Olivia.
