Controlling, insecure mother-in-law to be help!?

B

Blue Daisy

New member
My fiance's mother has always seemed controlling to me in the past, yet I can understand a little of why because she was divorced from his dad when he was two, remarried, then lost her second husband to Hepatitis a few years ago. She is pretty much alone without her son. We recently moved out of state for his education and she is constantly texting me and asking how he is doing. Fine, it's alright, whatever. Then she told me she will not allow us to get married until after he graduates, which is like in two years or so. Ok, yeah, I am 27, and I am already supporting us. Then last night she texted me that she believes her purpose on this earth is her son. I responded that he is indeed a wonderful contribution to the world, but that she herself adds much to the world. She said no, I have fun and make sure he succeeds. I was flabbergasted. I want to understand where she is coming from, but it also makes me angry that she won't allow him to be an adult and make his choices. It is unhealthy for her to base her sense of worth on the success or failure or her son! How can I communicate lovingly to her that this is not healthy and her son needs the freedom to follow his dreams not hers? How can I help him cut the ties, he feels so guilty if she gets in his face about things that are none of her business. It isn't healthy for him to have those ties either. We both feel a little trapped.
 
You don't need to educate this woman or change her or do anything, really. You can't raise her all over again. She is who she is. She's at a distance. She can do little interference via email and text. You and your fiance should simply continue to live your lives as you are, with your own hopes and dreams, and continue to be friendly and supportive of her without letting this become a big deal in your lives. She's clearly without anyone but this son and she has invested much in him. Don't make the mistake of making a mountain out of this molehill.

She sounds a lot like a lot of other mothers of famously successful men, like Stephen Spielberg, Clint Eastwood, Sylvester Stallone. Give her her place in the great scheme of things. It's a completely different place from your place in this man's life.
 
Forget the crazy MIL, think about the baby who lets mama run his life. He has serious, deep imbedded issues about her and it won't stop just because he is married. He can't stand up to her and it's going to hurt you both. How can you be married to him when it's so obvious she sees him as her substitute husband?

And she won't "allow" you two to get married? Uh, you are both adults. Who does she think she is?

Also...why are you putting him through school? Why is it your job to support you both? That's a really bad idea. He isn't even your husband. Even if he were, putting a man through school is a bad idea. You two should contribute to the household equally. Men supporting women is fine because the fact is that women always end up doing 95% of the housework and 90% of the parenting, so it's fair. But women supporting men...uh, no. Especially in your situation. Ever hear of Betty Broderick?

This isn't your problem. I'd get out of it. She's making you both miserable and he's allowing it to happen. Plus you're supporting a man and putting him through school. Bad idea.

Also, go and answer my question, please.
 
You can not do much to be honest... This is between your fiance and his mother and yes it is affecting you but ultimately its between them. If you have planned on getting married before graduation then do it, and if your fiance lets his mother control him that is definatly a problem and he is probably not going to change after marriage. Sit him down and have a talk with him about how you feel... and for her next time she texts you to ask about her son then politely say that she should just ask him! I definatly think she is stepping over the boundaries considering you support him and are going to be his wife.
 
Sorry to say you can't help him,he's got to do it.Stand up and be a man now before it's to late.Your two adults your no longer kids and if he doesn't then you need to move on it will be hard for you to break the bond between them two this late in his life.He will never be free of her.And you have a life so you will have to let him go if he doesn't stand his grounds.The marriage will never work i've been there.She will always control him and you will be in the back ground.So just see if plays his part and stands up to her if not let him go.Best wishes!!!
 
think this is a situation that your boyfriend needs to handle. I think it's pretty obvious to the outside person that she is depressed and need to talk to a psychiatrist. I mean if you guys let this go and do wait until he's done with school to get married...what happens when you have kids, have you thought of that? I mean you better make the spare room for her because she'll never leave...(trust me I speak from experience ..) She has past issues she needs to deal with. Things will only get worse for you guys if he doesn't confront her.
 
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