wild at heart caged.
New member
I would appreciate some constructive criticism for this 300 word scene. It's towards the end of the story I am working on, and basically a character is in a coma and his parent's are refusing to allow his boyfriend [Joshua] to see him, blaming Joshua for putting him in the coma in the first place.
"Please, can I see him?" Joshua voice was losing its control, beginning to edge on begging, "Please."
"Let him, Joseph." Joshua's eyes shot to Lydia's, their eyes didn't meet, but he silently thanked her.
Joshua turned to Joseph, "Please, just for a minute...I...I need to see him." He was beyond caring if he looked pathetic.
"You're the one that put him here," Joseph said; voice low, steady and icy.
Pain like knives seared through Joshua's body and had him almost double over, "No...No, I didn't." He knew how wrong those words were.
"Then you explain to me why he is here," Joseph wrapped his arm around his now crying wife as Joshua turned from him, own eyes filled with tears that he coughed back.
"I...I love him." He said, back still to them. He didn't know what saying this would achieve, it just came out, a last attempt at appealing to their senses.
It had the opposite desired effect, "He might die because of you!" Joseph's voice rose to the point where other people looked.
Joshua spun back to face him, "Don't you think I know that?!" The knives were still there and he was completely aware of why.
"Joseph, let him," Lydia's voice was thick and a sob was emitted after her request, "He loves him."
"When you love somebody you don't put them in danger!" Joseph roared at Joshua.
Joshua's hands clenched at his sides, and his jaw followed suit. So much did he want to punch this guy, but he didn't; instead he turned and walked from him, down the corridor and out the door, blinking back tears all the while.
Thanks!
"Please, can I see him?" Joshua voice was losing its control, beginning to edge on begging, "Please."
"Let him, Joseph." Joshua's eyes shot to Lydia's, their eyes didn't meet, but he silently thanked her.
Joshua turned to Joseph, "Please, just for a minute...I...I need to see him." He was beyond caring if he looked pathetic.
"You're the one that put him here," Joseph said; voice low, steady and icy.
Pain like knives seared through Joshua's body and had him almost double over, "No...No, I didn't." He knew how wrong those words were.
"Then you explain to me why he is here," Joseph wrapped his arm around his now crying wife as Joshua turned from him, own eyes filled with tears that he coughed back.
"I...I love him." He said, back still to them. He didn't know what saying this would achieve, it just came out, a last attempt at appealing to their senses.
It had the opposite desired effect, "He might die because of you!" Joseph's voice rose to the point where other people looked.
Joshua spun back to face him, "Don't you think I know that?!" The knives were still there and he was completely aware of why.
"Joseph, let him," Lydia's voice was thick and a sob was emitted after her request, "He loves him."
"When you love somebody you don't put them in danger!" Joseph roared at Joshua.
Joshua's hands clenched at his sides, and his jaw followed suit. So much did he want to punch this guy, but he didn't; instead he turned and walked from him, down the corridor and out the door, blinking back tears all the while.
Thanks!