confused: adoption or not, no reliable guidance?

[Lucielucie]

I am confused if I truly think I am ready to raise a child or thinking what every young mother thinks, (by young, Im 21). I am 17 weeks along, I was not planning on having a baby until I finished college or older like 25/27. I saw the baby at apt through sonogram and It just made me cry and I don't know why or what emotion it was I was experiencing. But since I saw her bouncing around in there I have been pretending or unable to accept it is real. I am not usually indecisive, nor procrastinate; however, this just doesn't seem real / hasn't hit me? most of the time, as if I don't have an attachment to her. Is this normal? I feel the strongest emotions from her when it is about something sad or helpless e.g. little toes but not having sock to cover them and I am not there to find her socks, sitting on her b/cuz I forgot where I set her, not caring about somethings not knowing how important it might be to her and in result is causes some ingrained character flaw, or the father and I not staying together.
I apologize for the length and scattered entry, but I do not have anyone to ask these things to. I do not/have not spoken to parents in over 6 months and my brother only is getting along with me because I said I was giving her up for adoption. Which is another sad thought that makes me cry on the spot, but i don't know why because I don't have this strong desire to raise/give birth what so ever. I don't know if I am only confused because I know my family wouldn't welcome the news or if I agree with them and shouldn't welcome it, that this is just another time I think I know and will regret later, I don't want to regret my decision on this, either way I choose. I don't want family to reject her, I feel they are conditional like i feel they have shown with me, So I choose to stay away; therefore I am in need of some advice from anyone who can help me gain some insight/clarity on this.
Thank you

 

[Southern Bella]

Hi Honey - lots to be said here. First, Im sorry youre conflicted, and going thru this, kinda alone.

Next, let me say, Im a woman who was sort of "eh...shrug" about kiddies until I actually had my own.

Moving on - I think LOTSA women feel disconnected from the child growing inside of them. I didn't feel like it was "real" until the end, until her and I had a connection from my recognizing her daily "routine". As she settled into a recognizable rhythm, THAT was when I started thinking...she is a person, separate from me, shes in there doing her own thing - OMG!! THEN...I had a 3D ultrasound, unbelievable! I see her in there, shes sucking her thumb, smiling, blinking, yawning, putting her toes in her mouth, doing the "cabbage patch" (haha) - a tiny human, doing things Im doing - amazing!

Lets consider YOUR situation specifically. You had "other plans" in mind. You feel like you wont have the support of your family. You are not in a relationship you fell will be, or maybe you dont even care if it will be, long term. You feel a lack of connection to the child. You dont want to regret your decision. Youre admittedly overwhelmed by this situation and decision (like I think anyone would be).

Lets talk about what effects us ALL - pregnancy hormones can make you act and think differently than you normally would. We ALL consider/worry about our strengths as a mom, while pregnant, and have fears related to that. We ALL want to feel like we have a true partner, and a warm and welcoming family to help raise baby.

Responses to all these things - Theres never a "best time" to have a baby. If you waited til youre "ready", you'd never have kids - no one would. You CAN still do everything you planned, this is a different path, not a dead end. Your family WILL come around, look at what your brother is doing, already changing his relationship with you bc of this child. You just wait - they will be at the hospital, rallying in support of you. And those who dont - fine, you dont need em. Youre blessed to have even a few TRUE friends/family members. You can hope you and the dad work out, but if not, youll be ok, lots of excellent single mothers out there. Regret - I dont think Ive ever heard a person say they regret keeping their baby. But if you give him/her up, its so final, and so life-altering. If youre already crying at the mention of adoption - ask yourself, why? Why the visceral reaction to the thought of a stranger raising this child? My opinion - I believe baby's are given to certain women for a reason. I believe THAT baby, chose YOU. I believe you already have everything you need in order to raise that baby (your body will protect baby until he/she can survive on their own, your breasts will fill with milk to feed baby, your instincts will kick in protecting baby from danger, and your intuition will lead you down the right track. The bottom line, IMO, NO ONE could be a better mother to THAT child, than YOU.

Take this for what its worth, just another perspective. In a couple of weeks youll know if your carrying a boy or a girl. Go to the baby store, walk around and see how it feels to pick out a beautiful blue blanket, or a tiny pink cotton jammie set with the feetsies and a hat. See if you find yourself looking for the softest material, for baby's skin, checking for snaps on the back of clothes bc you dont think baby would like sleeping on them. THESE are the things MOMS do. Guess what, one day, youre just doing it, its so natural for us to be mothers, we just "take to it".

I highly recommend taking your time, sitting with this for a while. Do all you can to erase others from your mind - if you were on an island alone, and all your "fears" were washed away with the tide - what would YOU want to do?

Good Luck Lovely - I wish you and baby all the very best.

PS - I buried my family when I was young, and I feel very disconnected from my in laws - I cant tell you how nice it is to have someone in this world who is MINE! She is my family, always will be. I feel so overjoyed and blessed by her love, I think my heart will explode sometimes. The first time that lil peanut grabs your finger, looks in your direction and smiles (they hear you in the womb, so they know who you are immediately following birth), first "mum"...oh man...you think you cry a lot now...you just wait....

 

[Army Wife]

I think you should do what makes YOU happy. Set aside all fears, family, flaws, and just think.. clear your mind and let it go to the day your baby is born. How do you feel holding her? What do you see when you look into her face? are you happy she's here? Are you content with someone else raising her?
You need to do what's right by you an your baby. Do not let anyone else force their thoughts, opinions, or values on you.
This is YOUR baby.
This is YOUR little girl.
This is YOUR daughter.
You can read book after book on how to be a parent. and as those books might be good for tips or answered questions. But you truly learn as you go, take one day at a time, don't be afraid to ask questions and don't be afraid to seek those answers.
If your family chooses to reject you and your child, it's THEIR loss. They are loosing the opportunity to embrace that beautiful child into their lives. Your baby is your first priority, and seeking the acceptance of others, especially those who are supposed to be supportive, should be the LAST thing on your mind.

 

[Dixieland Delight]

The best thing I can tell you is that babies are wonderful.... when they come at the right time. It doesn't sound like it is the right time for you. I couldn't personally have an abortion, but that is a decision you have to make for yourself. As far as adoption is concerned, it can be a very loving thing to do for a family that can't have babies of their own. Do you want to be involved in the baby's life? There are all kinds of adoption options. Contact an adoption agency and talk to them about your options. Remember, you can back out any time.