Coffee Mug

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kewlick31

New member
*I look down at the ashes from a cigarette i've just lit as they mix with snow to smear grey on my skin. The traffic and the train give me a migraine to go along with a lost sense of direction. I clear my throat for no particular reason while people below me look up and glare like my dick is hanging out laughing at them. Steam is rising from the mug as my hand shakes, my hand always shakes. I start to pick at my nails, then i start picking the bottom of my jeans, then i start picking the fur balls on my socks. My OCD is really starting to kick in. I pick up a pen and paper and clear out my thoughts with no thought to censorship.....*

My coffee mug leaves behind a ring and a stain
like the conversations i have in the back of my brain
where i yell at a girl about the decisions she's made
and how my fucked up life has turned into shit down the drain.

Then i turn to the side and catch a subtle reflection
that reminRAB me of a time so near to perfection
where every path i took had a clear direction
until i met a beautiful girl that stole all my affection.....

Now i can't blink without seeing a picture
of a star filled sky and no way to touch her.
Don't let anyone try to fix me with a suture,
Cause this is exactly how i wrote out my future.
 
i think there's creativity behind the idea, but the general concept doesn't really hit home. An angst filled inspiration would be much more suited with longing what once was. It could also help to include things you did with the person and work off of that, for example "no sleep is as deep without you in the sheets" "no embrace lifts my heart without you in my arms" if this is for a girl, someone who meant a lot to you, you might want to pick a title a little less boring than coffee mug ya savvy?
 
Coffee is just his way of syaing he can't sleep. Although you are right coffee isn't the best choice. I bet you would make a much better poem if you wrote it now and incorporated these ideas into it. This way you had more insight on how you "really" feel about the subject.

I liked it, some of the lines iabic wise were a little longer then other so it disrupted the flow. The message rang true, it was well written.
 
haha okay I'm terrible at titles so I'll try and think of something better, but yeah definitely not looking to really change anything here because it's so old I have no real attachment to it. just thought I'd share it here.
 
yay got post count. Xomblies....... someone likes Bruce Cambell.


On the second read I really liked how you lead a scene into a poem. Try to seperate the two for while and individually work on them. This will help you omit what you feel doesnt fit. This will help make two seperate distinct flows, and allow you to expand or lessen the impact of some of your ideas.

It's well written and very personal. I like the honesty, just think some of it is a little "personal" to the author. I think its hitting on a strong tone and you definately are heard.

Re hased coincide. Your comments really helped. Let me know if it flows better.
 
eh? he's asking for advice otherwise he's be saying, "just thought i'd share" or something to that measure. it wasn't a post count increase, i could give a shit about that...

that post was me wondering why he'd say all thoughts are appreciated, make us waste our time on helping him out only just to say, nope it's not changing...
 
The whole atmosphere was very well done. I could picture the whole thing.

The rhymes seemed more forced here than they usually do in your work, though.
 
no no I mean I really do appreciate your comments. Like, I'll keep them in mind when I write anything like this from now on, but I'm not gonna do anything to this one. ya know what I'm sayin?
 
cool thanks for the feedback. I'll go check that out now



thanks for the compliment. And yeah, they were a bit forced. I feel as though I've improved a lot since I wrote this almost 3 years ago.
 
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