Can you please rate this poetry and correct it ?

A

Alan

New member
I am 16 yr old and just wrote a poem. Can you please rate it and correct it ?.....

She was the girl, I dreamt about
So far away yet so near
So gorgeous that everything else felt so ugly
Alas! Like a cool breeze she came
Days were spend waiting for her
Nights spend, talking to her
More meaningful, life be
Happy and in love, I was


My world seems around her
Such a small beautiful world it was
Lonely, I was never again
Night and days passes beautifully
More meaningful , Life be
Loving her and being with her, is all I wanted


Alas! it was dream, a cruel dream
Tauting me as it has as always
Knowing that she didn't love me
Knowing that she will never love me
Still make the falling worthwhile
What good love is, that doesn't pain
What good love is, that doesn't hurt
Threaten she did, blocking me
Saw everything, felt everything
Painful and Hurting as it was
Welkom her everytime she came back
More meaningful, Life be
When she was with me on my side

Saying goodbye, I did
Hollow as I am , leaving her
Deep down, this heart still aches
A Thousand years will pass by
Heart of mine will still cry for her
Cause she is in my heart forever
Thou she shouldn't grieve, princess
Better than me, she would find
Alas! a Handsome Prince charming,
That truly deserve her
More meaningful, Life be
Princess with her Prince charming


Fearing that I will lost her again
Saying I Love you, never did
Regrets is what I have in Life
Crying is what, I wouldn't do
Pain in my heart, I carry home
So alone now in my life journey
Crap Poetry, I will be writing
To spend my days and night now
More meaningful, Life be
Thou a little sadder now
 
Good attempt

It is too long and rambling you need to cut out ruthlessly every non essential word and keep doing that till you are pruned right down - Poetry isn't a story you have to leave some mystery some empty place for us to meet you - Hint at things use words that explain everything of themselves. Sit and brainstorm all the words that would of themselves explain your story and reconstruct our poem around them. Just using words like 'thou' doesn't make this a poem its still prose. Look at how many times you say the same thing in too many different ways - a poem is meant to be succinct, condensed and metaphorical.
 
Long and boring,

Like a cool breeze she came.

How about.

A volcano erupting,
Inferno aflame
scorching my soul
each time she came,

Oh I see your meant arrived, not cum, sorry
 
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