Can someone edit/revise my short poem? :p?

D

dana

New member
I wrote this when i was like 11:


On December twenty-three...
I found a present for me!

'Rip, Rap.' I opened the gift,
Which was very easy to lift.

This is because today,
is my Happy Birthday!

Clap, Clap!
Went my family

Munch Munch!
We ate the cake of strawberry!

This all is because today..
is my Happy Birthday! ! !

I want to make it maybe more longer, and less childish..for english writing workshop..
And maybe some tips and what else to write about?

Please help :D!
Thanks in advance(:
 
I like the 'childishness' of this write. I will play with it a bit...

On December twenty-three...
I found a present, for me!
'Rip, Rap. I opened the gift,
which was very easy to lift.

This, because today
is my Happy Birthday!

Clap, clap!
went my family
Munch, munch!
we ate the strawberry cake!

This, because today...

is my Happy Birthday!!!

all I did was adjust the line break a bit and gathered your stanzas (corrected a little grammar and punctuation)
 
Here's my advice: Write the poem out without trying to rhyme the lines. And write more about sights, smells, colors, sounds, etc. (I like "rip wrap" as a sound-phrase.) But the poem shouldn't be about "Goody-goody! It's my birthday!" -- more about the feelings in your house and among your family. Tell us what the gift was, and who it was from. Was it something you really wanted? The cake is really your family enjoying each other, not so much about food (though it sounds delicious!)
 
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