Hi Guys
Im writing a joke letter for a media peice - and was wondering if anyone could help me finish this off =)
Thanks
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Dear Household Owner.
With our deepest/sincerest regrets, we regret to inform you have caught swine flu. The Department of Health is sorry that you have caught this deadly virus. We are currently dealing with around half of the population of Great Britain suffering from this deadly strain of Swine Flu, and are sorry that you have been directly affected by this outbreak.
You may be asking the question why. Why have I been sent this letter when I don't have this virus swine flu? The answer is simple. We are a government organisation presented with the task to deal with the crisis of swine flu, as you can imagine we have taken on the immense task of dealing with this virus. If you feel that you have been sent this letter wrongly then tuff! You will catch swine Flu one day.....
Your government are out of money due to the 'Credit Crunch' and have the need to cut back on costs, seeing as they spent all of it on useless things like on Moats and Birdhouses, that are much more important than the citizens who inhabit the country. Therefore they have hired us to come up with a quick fix solution to
If you read through this letter then in 24 hours time you will be dead, as a result of this deadly virus. There is nothing that can be done because your government are out of money. Sadly they do have the recourses but are selling them to other nations as a 'Get rich quick scheme'.
Your first question will be what happens when the time is up? The Government will send a member of the 'Death squad' who will come and extract your weakened soul, which will then be processed at the master plant ready for sale. You, of course will be completely oblivious to what's going on because sadly you would have passed on. All that you need to know is, is that this virus is contagious and come your time of passing the member of the 'Death squad' will be waiting there. Oh and you have nothing to fear your Death will be painless and totally unnecessary but at the same time essential for the country to recover at a time of extreme financial difficulty.
Now, you might ask what your soul will be used for? You soul will most probably go abroad to another country and well, it could be used for a lot of things. Some people buy them just to keep as pets, or to torture in their cellars for entertainment. Some people use them to keep as friends, so they don’t feel so lonely and left out. They might be used to take over other peoples bodies, then to be used in thefts, destruction and even murder. But particularly vicious souls are used in the ‘Death squad’ itself, to capture other souls, or hunt down people who run from their fate.
We hope you don’t become one of the runners; they suffer huge amounts of torment in their soul being removed. The torment isn’t needed; the ‘Death squad’ just do it for their amusement. They love to see you crawl on the ground, writhe about. To them the sounds of your screams are like music, and begging them to stop just causes them to give you even more pain. Don’t run from them, for your own sake.
This letter might be a bit of a shock to you, in fact your probably think this is some stupid prank by a bunch of idiots. It's not. Your time is very soon, and theirs will be too. You're probably frightened too; thinking about trying to escape, or what will happen to you after your soul is gone. Let me tell you now. There is no heaven. No hell. No place where you will meet old friends and family who have died. Your corpse will rot under the ground and become a breeding ground for maggots and other parasites until there is nothing left of you but bones. That is the truth, and don’t try to argue against it.
I would suggest you get ready to pass on. Say goodbye to family and friends, ask someone to take care of whatever pets you may own, write up a will, whatever you want to do. This letter is almost over, and then your time begins, so start counting down.
We have a dedicated action line that has been put in place, that you can call if you wish to discuss with an advisor anything that you are uncertain of. Just follow the directions that you hear. You may also want to call to discuss about swine Flu or just want information on helping you cope with your situation, please feel free to contact us, on 01234567890
Yours faithfully.
Im writing a joke letter for a media peice - and was wondering if anyone could help me finish this off =)
Thanks
------------------------
Dear Household Owner.
With our deepest/sincerest regrets, we regret to inform you have caught swine flu. The Department of Health is sorry that you have caught this deadly virus. We are currently dealing with around half of the population of Great Britain suffering from this deadly strain of Swine Flu, and are sorry that you have been directly affected by this outbreak.
You may be asking the question why. Why have I been sent this letter when I don't have this virus swine flu? The answer is simple. We are a government organisation presented with the task to deal with the crisis of swine flu, as you can imagine we have taken on the immense task of dealing with this virus. If you feel that you have been sent this letter wrongly then tuff! You will catch swine Flu one day.....
Your government are out of money due to the 'Credit Crunch' and have the need to cut back on costs, seeing as they spent all of it on useless things like on Moats and Birdhouses, that are much more important than the citizens who inhabit the country. Therefore they have hired us to come up with a quick fix solution to
If you read through this letter then in 24 hours time you will be dead, as a result of this deadly virus. There is nothing that can be done because your government are out of money. Sadly they do have the recourses but are selling them to other nations as a 'Get rich quick scheme'.
Your first question will be what happens when the time is up? The Government will send a member of the 'Death squad' who will come and extract your weakened soul, which will then be processed at the master plant ready for sale. You, of course will be completely oblivious to what's going on because sadly you would have passed on. All that you need to know is, is that this virus is contagious and come your time of passing the member of the 'Death squad' will be waiting there. Oh and you have nothing to fear your Death will be painless and totally unnecessary but at the same time essential for the country to recover at a time of extreme financial difficulty.
Now, you might ask what your soul will be used for? You soul will most probably go abroad to another country and well, it could be used for a lot of things. Some people buy them just to keep as pets, or to torture in their cellars for entertainment. Some people use them to keep as friends, so they don’t feel so lonely and left out. They might be used to take over other peoples bodies, then to be used in thefts, destruction and even murder. But particularly vicious souls are used in the ‘Death squad’ itself, to capture other souls, or hunt down people who run from their fate.
We hope you don’t become one of the runners; they suffer huge amounts of torment in their soul being removed. The torment isn’t needed; the ‘Death squad’ just do it for their amusement. They love to see you crawl on the ground, writhe about. To them the sounds of your screams are like music, and begging them to stop just causes them to give you even more pain. Don’t run from them, for your own sake.
This letter might be a bit of a shock to you, in fact your probably think this is some stupid prank by a bunch of idiots. It's not. Your time is very soon, and theirs will be too. You're probably frightened too; thinking about trying to escape, or what will happen to you after your soul is gone. Let me tell you now. There is no heaven. No hell. No place where you will meet old friends and family who have died. Your corpse will rot under the ground and become a breeding ground for maggots and other parasites until there is nothing left of you but bones. That is the truth, and don’t try to argue against it.
I would suggest you get ready to pass on. Say goodbye to family and friends, ask someone to take care of whatever pets you may own, write up a will, whatever you want to do. This letter is almost over, and then your time begins, so start counting down.
We have a dedicated action line that has been put in place, that you can call if you wish to discuss with an advisor anything that you are uncertain of. Just follow the directions that you hear. You may also want to call to discuss about swine Flu or just want information on helping you cope with your situation, please feel free to contact us, on 01234567890
Yours faithfully.