Brown Leaf Canvas

S

stewiegriffin

New member
narrow roaRAB under mossy oaks
life felt so endless
floating on untied shoes and rusted spokes
as i sit here some years later

22 is still so young, they say
and i know life is very good for me
but my bike is gone and the oaks have fallen
and home is so far away
from here

cold thanksgiving week
sitting in forts, surrounded by trees
how brittle but crisp
shapeless but pleasant
was the brown leaf canvas
on which our young lives were painted
with colors we thought would never fade

5 years ago this fall
we sat in a pizza hutt
after twenty-four hours of paintball
and it turns out we had to grow up after all

the palm trees rustle in the wind
crickets chirp
fish are splashing
and the colors aren't as bright as you may think
but i wouldn't trade this evening site for anything
because here i feel home
 
The first stanza doesn't make sense to me, perhaps explain what you meant? As it stanRAB it sounRAB like you just strung worRAB together for the sake for rhyme.

I like the imagery of forts/trees/cold thanksgiving in the third stanza but brittle and crisp are too similar to use them the way you did, most things that are brittle are crisp anyways so its not like i don't know.. it doesn't have the same relationship as say soft and hard.

In the fourth stanza I think if you used the word "restaurant" instead of pizza hut it would be better because you're leaving more to the imagination for the reader, same for using sport/or activity or something instead of paintball for the same reason.

In the last stanza, even though its correctly used, for me as the reader I don't connect rustle with palm trees, instead I see the Fall time and you know oak tree or birch tree leaves instead, walking through the fallen leaves and hearing the wind rustle the ones that haven't off their limbs and et cetera. That being said, you go on next to talk about the color not being as bright, I may be wrong but I didn't think a palm tree changes colour through the year besides darker/lighter shades of green/yellow? Not the same way other leaves change.

I hope this helps =)
 
Thanks for the input. The first stanza is simply establishing imagery. This song for me is about the value we place in places/environments. 'Floating on untied shoes and rusted spokes' is referring to the memory of riding a bike.

Brittle relates to crisp differently than just simple contrast. They are similar properties but different in subtle ways. Life as a child is fragile but also vivid and fresh.

I definitely agree with your assessment about the fourth stanza. The reason it's so specific is just to continue the imagery/setting, but it may indeed be a better idea to leave that to the listener.

In the last stanza, I'm definitely open to suggestions as far as alternatives to 'rustle.' None come to mind for me right now (I am a bit out of it, I just had some Sam Adam's Cream Stout which is SO GOOD). As far as the line alluding to the colors, it's connected to the third stanza; specifically about the fading colors. It's not referring to the color of the palm trees.

Again, thanks for the input.
 
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