Best Joke?!!!!!!!!!!!?

M

me the awesome

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i need to know a really good joke to tell my friend who is coming over tomight and i told him that i herd a good joke because he collects jokes in a pocket book so he always has one to say. HURRY!!!!!
 
Mary can't stand Sunday school, but her brother William doesn't have a problem with it. So one day in Sunday school, Mary thinks, "The hell with it," and decides to go to sleep. The teacher sees this and asks Mary a question to keep her awake.

"Mary, who created the heavens and the earth?"

William, who is sitting behind Mary, pokes her in the butt with his pencil. Mary wakes up and shouts, "God almighty!"

And the teacher says, "Yes. That's correct, Mary."

Mary goes back to sleep and the teacher asks her another question.

"Who died on the cross for our sins?"

William pokes Mary again. She wakes up and shouts, "Jesus Christ!"

Once again, she goes back to sleep. This time the teacher asks, "Mary, what was the first thing Eve said to Adam?"

William pokes her again. Mary wakes up and shouts, "If you don't stop poking me with that thing, I'm gonna break it off!"
 
WHO IS STRONGER?

An army brat is boasting about his father to a Navy brat.

'My dad is an engineer. He can do practically everything. Do you know The Alps?'

'Yes, why?' replied the Naval kid.

'He was the one who built them!'

Then the Naval kid spoke 'Wow! Do you know the Dead Sea? My father was the one who killed it!'
 
WHO IS STRONGER?

An army brat is boasting about his father to a Navy brat.

'My dad is an engineer. He can do practically everything. Do you know The Alps?'

'Yes, why?' replied the Naval kid.

'He was the one who built them!'

Then the Naval kid spoke 'Wow! Do you know the Dead Sea? My father was the one who killed it!'
 
1. What two words will clear out a Men's changing room quicker than anything else

:nice penis








2. Santa was teaching Preety swimming.
after 2 hours Preeto said : Tell me , will i really drown like a leaking boat if you take out your finger?








3. A man walks on to a Phchiatrist's office nakes except for plastic wrap covering his body. He says Doctor , i don't know what's wrong with me ?


The doctor says Well , i can clearly see your nuts
 
One day, a teacher named Mrs. Samson asks her class: "Who can tell me which organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated?"

Nobody raises there hand, so she asks the question again, "Who can tell me which organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated?"

Mary stands up, blushing furiously. "How dare you ask such a question to a bunch of kids?!" she says. "I'm going to tell my parents, and they're going to tell the district and you'll be fired!"

Mrs. Sampson ignores her, and asks the class the question again, and this time Sam raises his hand.

Yes, Sam?" says Mrs. Sampson. "Ma'am, the correct answer is the iris of the human eye."

"Very good, Sam. Thank you."

Mrs. Sampson then turns to Mary and says, "Mary, there are three things I'm going to tell you.
First, you have a dirty mind.
Second, it's obvious you didn't do your homework.
Third, you're going to be VERY dissapointed one day."






Whilst enjoying a drink with a mate one night, this bloke decides to try his luck with an attractive young girl sitting alone by the bar. To his surprise, she asks him to join her for a drink and eventually asks him if he'd like to come back to her place.

The pair jump into a taxi and as soon as they get back to her flat they dive onto the bed and spend the night hard at it.

Finally, the spent young bloke rolls over, pulls out a cigarette from his jeans and searches for his lighter.

Unable to find it, he asks the girl if she has one at hand.

"There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replies.

Opening the drawer of the bedside table, he finds a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. Naturally, the bloke begins to worry. "Is this your husband?" he inquires nervously.

"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend then?"

"No, don't be daft," she says, nibbling away at his ear.

"Well, who is he then?" demands the bewildered bloke.

Calmly, the girl takes a match, strikes it across the side of her face and replies, "That's me before the operation."
 
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
 
This really happened :

A doctor is at work and a patient come in for an operation. she is one of those rebel types (you know, chains, spikes, dark colors, tattoos, piercings, dyed hair, etc.). After giving her the medicine to make her sleep, the doctor starts the "operation". he soon notices her pubic hair is dyed green and she has a tattoo along her pantie-line say "Please dont walk on the grass". Of course she was having an operation "down there".
After she wakes up and goes back to change her clothes she finds a note on her panties saying "Sorry, we had to mow the lawn"
 
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