Back on pills-back in shame and fear- sorry..

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Hey Der!

So sorry it's Thursday and I am just now getting to your posts!!! FIRST OF ALL!!! I am so proud of your strength! You have really come far and I want you to know that no matter what your brain tells you, this is really what I see and think...... You are a VERY caring woman who has a heart of pure Gold. Even during your own struggles you find the time to comfort others and that speaks volumes of the woman you are. You are extremely lovable and a great friend. I KNOW you are far more amazing than you will ever give yourself credit for.... So, believe me when I say these things because I have no reason to lie and I have the experience of being your friend so I know! You are a blessing in my life and the lives of many others.

I have been praying for you and I want you to know that I always will. You are forever in my heart. Once you are there... YOU CAN'T ESCAPE!!! hahaa

Sending you a big warm hug! Hang in there my friend!
 
Hey derlinda

You wrote:

I have really been aware of how small I have let my world get again,and knowing how big that makes my problems look.

That is the best description I have ever read explaining what it feels like when pills become the center of our world. It was something I could not grasp when I felt so helpless and hopeless. I, too, had made my world so very small in my isolation and drug haze.... and my problems loomed like huge mountains.

Great worRAB, derlinda. So appropo.

reach
 
First off I want to explain that you do not need to explain yourself to anyone here or anywhere. However, opinions may be given because that is what this board is about.. Honestly. I pray the messages were done tactfully and respectfully.

Just keep fighting this. Don't let anyone bring you down.. FIGHT and focus on that FIGHT only.

I am here for you and I want you to keep writing even though people have showed doubt in your ability to become clean. That in itself would alone make me PROVE THEM WRONG... I don't like someone telling what I can't do. So when that happens, I will do whatever it takes to make it happen!!!

GOOD LUCK.. Keep writing.
XOXOX
 
oh well this helps....VALIUM Withdrawal Symptoms May Include:
abdominal pains, aching, agoraphobia, anxiety, blurred vision, body vibrations, changes in perception, diarrhea, distended abdomen, feeling of unreality, flu-like symptoms, flatulence, food cravings, heart palpitations, heavy lirabs, increased allergies, increased sense of smell, insomnia, lethargy, loss of balance, muscle spasms, nightmares, panic attacks, paranoia, persistent & unpleasant memories, severe headaches, shaking, short term memory loss, sore mouth and tongue, sound & light sensitivity, speech difficulties, sweating, suicidal thoughts, tinnitus, unusually sensitive, fear.
That also explains the ear ringing!
 
Hello derlinda

I am glad you are back and ready to fight the fight again.

Derlinda, it has been on again and off again for quite a while now. Somewhere, an important piece of the overall plan to reach and maintain sobriety is inadequate. It seems to me it is in the aftercare. There has been success in withdrawal, but always a falling back into old patterns of abuse. If something does not change this time in the aftercare, relapse will be pretty inevitable.

Are you involved in NA, AA, or any kind of support group besides the board here? It is vital that we have live, 3-D people to help us after we have gone through the withdrawal. True sobriety will never be reached until we learn to implement new coping skills to life' stresses, until we look deep inside to find the cause of our need to escape reality in a haze of pills. We need to enlist the help and knowledge of people who have reached sobriety and of professionals who can guide us in discovering what lies behind the addictions and who can lead us into new ways of thinking.

You are so right when you write that it can not be done alone. My hope for you is that a lot of time is spent thinking about what kind of aftercare you will seek. Withdrawal is a very hard process and there is no point in going through it if we do not change our thinking afterwarRAB. We can not keep doing the same things and expect that somehow a different outcome will just happen one day. We need to face the demons inside ourselves and we need to open ourselves honestly to change, real change. Until we do these two things, true sobriety will never be in our lives.

I wish you well. I wish you the courage needed to conquer this.
reach
 
thank miss S,
i will, today was ok. talked allot and made sure that i did not spent to much time alone.
i really am feeling the fatigue from the on and off sleep due to arabian cut back.... thats part of the deal.
oxox
 
Well...... that explains A LOT of what you have been going thru. So that in itself should help you out because you know it's just not "you", it's the side effects from w/d. I am proud of you for researching and continuing to stay strong even though this has been very much so an up hill battle. If I was there with you, I would give you such a big hug and just hold you while you cried and let it all out. I hate the thought of you being alone in your house. I hate the though of you feeling alone or having suicidal thoughts... It breaks my heart and I feel helpless because I can't make those issues better for you.

I am so proud that when your head cleared a little bit and the fog lifted you realized how much you have to live for.

Gotta run work is busy!!!!
XOXOXOXO
 
thanks S! yesterday was so close to a slip. i went to the dentist and just as i feared i have to replace 6 crowns and i need new fillings 14,695$. i walked out and cried in my car, my teeth have been hurting allot and i knew this was coming i just did not want to hear the details. then slowly my little inner drug addict kicked in "well Der if you need to raise 15 thousanRAB your going to have to get your hanRAB on alotta drugs so you can work really hard-- its the only way. i will need major uppers and major downers and some opiates for the physical pain from all the work, proble have to go back on steroiRAB because your lupus is going to flare big time" . God kicked in, out of no where i remerabered that i bought a gift certificate for a massage for my Best friend for valentines day, do i called the massage place and asked if i could come in right then and use his gift certificate. so witin 30 minuted i was on the table and relaxed, not craving drugs, and not thinking i had to fix everything right then and there. i was still very depressed when i got home and went to bed at 8pm, but when i woke up i felt a shift. the truth is if i get my hanRAB on all those drugs, i sure as hell am not going to use them to raise money for my teeth, i just going to be high as kite for a few days or weeks, lose all my frienRAB, not work at all, then go through horrible w/d again! it will cost me my life.
 
thanks miss S,
i know your weekend are busy so i look forward to hearing about your weekend on monday!
i talked with my doc yeater (we bumped into each other at the gym!) i tried not to talk about our my medical stuff but it just came out. he said something that helped me fall asleep with out feeling shame or self pity last night. he said chances are very high you will be on some sort of med for the rest of your life, having lupus, fibro and addiction issues is a hard challenge but mot impossible. he said he sees me so happy most of the time but as soon as i slip up my whole being goes down the toilet and does not come back up for months at a time. he said it might not be a life with out pills, maybe it will be a life without abusing pills, that will take allot of support.
he has never been that open with me, it felt like a friend looking me in the eye. so im still on plan. woke up from horrible dreams again-- my dreams are always the same theme' people i love are angery at me and running away, i'm always broken and crying and trying to change, trying to get them to come back. common dreams for a child of alcoholics and drug addicts.
have a good weekend everyone, and thats for hanging out with me this week...
 
thanks for the support reach. i did make my world a bit bigger last night, i took a old friend to a love addicts meeting because she has had a terrible time in a physical abusive relationship but cant leave. i meet some great people and heard some familiar stories. many time i wanted to leave because at night the depression kicks in again and i just wanted to be alone, i reminded myself that the depression is benzo withdrawal and the worst thing to do is isolate. hopelessness and not seeing beyond the pan is this moment always keeps me coming back to drugs and drinking its the old "well if this is all there is to life then **uk it".
i has in 3 months of a locked up treatment center and they hammered in my head that my distorted negative thinking patterns were they key to my recovery, and they were right. optamis, expecting change, goals, rewarRAB, challenges, and support were my ticket out of the hell i had been born into and they were right. my soberty was never stronger. i fall away from that type of thinking and now its time to move back towarRAB it.
 
Derlinda,

Hi Honey, OF COURSE you can come back here and lean on us! I would expect nothing less actually! Look at me.... Do I feel guilty or ashamed at times.. YES! None of us addicts are bragging about the things we have done in the past but..... with that being said we have all "been there done that" and that is why it's great to come here.... Mostly because ONE or more of us has thought the same thoughts, done the same actions... felt the same feelings you have. So please stick around honey! You are right at home.

I do agree with Emsmom that it sounRAB like it's time to put a serious taper plan in order and stick to it. I know its not easy, believe me. I have had to do it a few times now... it sounRAB though like the cocktail of medications you are on could diminish. I know you are scared. Believe me, I am scared too but we can get thru that together. I am here for you always and will help you in any way I can. Just know, YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

Suicide. That is always a word that jumps out and punches me in the face when I read it. I am so thankful you shared it with us. Please dont ever go down that road. You have so much to live for and are such a good person. Look at the support you show everyone here. You are needed just as much as you have neeRAB. You are a blessing in many lives so please don't take that gift of life away from yourself or anyone else. Drugs are so not worth dying for. EVER! Keep sharing your feelings though and get everything out. No one will judge you, we will give you the love, support and advice you need to hear.

I am really worried for you so hang in there and post often.
Hugs!
 
Hi derlinda,
Absolutely do not give up on yourself - EVER!! There are many times when I feel overwhelmed and self- doubt creeps into my mind, but I will keep trying, taking it one day at a time, as should you. We are worth it!
Please keep writing..... We can all help each other.
TM
 
thanks reach,Emom ans secretes thank yo very much. i have done after care and alot of relapse prevention i have really found my red flags for relapse and have ignored them time and time again. without family its really easy to live in my bubble and start thinking that this time i can do it, i can live alone and be ok, i can be around lots of drinking and be fine, i can go without a sponcer, never works. i had seven years clean and it was because i stuck to my goals and plans.
not a good first night at all, i could not find a friend to stay with so i did end up going back t my studio. anxiety kicked in and i drank a glass (ok a pink glass) of wine. im not going to tel myself its ok because i only had one,i should not ever be drinking because im a alcoholic and i should never be mixing those pills.
so todays plan is to find a friend t stay with for tonight and then start searching for a room to rent in a good house with solid people. i know that sounRAB easy but its not. i did not take a extra pill or a pain pill and i told my taper plan to a friend on the phone and i told my therapist face to face. my doc does not really give a hell how or f i dont it he just says dont cold turkey. im going to do the arabian first a quarter at a time and ten work on the valium. i so badly wanted to not write about the drinking- i'm constantly worried about people being "disappointed- disgusted" in me. i never free that way towarRAB relapsers i completely get it and have compassion, so why the heck dont i think anyone would give me support? thanks you guys-- and i really mean it, thank you. its a fresh day
 
Hey Der,

You managed to talk yourself out of using. Do you know how big that is??? You really have come a long, long way.

Regarding your teeth - have you considered looking into your local college or university? Here in Toronto, if someone can't afford surgery, they can opt to have it done at the college/university by students. There is always a doctor present, but the students are the ones doing the surgery (it is wonderful practice for them). And, it is at a fraction of the cost.

A friend of mine needed about $20,000 worth of dental work done (bottom denture implants, and root canals on the top) and her total cost was just under $2500. I have no idea if that is an option for you in Colorado but it is worth looking into.

Another option for you - Here in Toronto, if the dentist says the work is required (for normal day to day living - rather than cosmetic), it is covered under our healhcare in the hospital. I know healthcare isn't as great in the U.S. but you should at least look into it.

You have a really good attitude regarding using...

"The truth is if I get my hanRAB on all those drugs, I sure as hell am not going to use them to raise money for my teeth, I'm just going to be high as kite for a few days or weeks, lose all my frienRAB, not work at all, then go through horrible w/d again! It will cost me my life."

Take a look back at your previous posts - you have come so far Der. I'm very proud of you!

Have a great day, I'll be thinking of you.

Hugs,
emsmom
 
Hey Der!

I could not have put it better than Emsmom! She said it all. I am very proud of you and you have come a long way!

Be proud of yourself and look into those options Emsmom mentioned! She is so resourceful!

You keep on going girl!
XOXOOXOX
 
Hey D!

Checking in on you! Hoping you are hanging in there girl. How is the taper going? It's such a hard thing to do.

Please know you are NEVER far from my thoughts honey. Hope you are doing well.
HUGS!
 
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