Assigned a poetry project for school, feedback please?

N

Nikkie.

New member
A Summertime Elegy

In my mind’s eye, I see your radiance.
Simply bestowed upon you, effortless.
Golden complexion and platinum hair,
Traits which I do not naturally share;
But in memoriam, I do my best.

Who will coax me out of vapidity?
My new friends are empty, like I’m empty.
In the August sun, we sleep through the days.
Nights are a perpetual drunken haze,
All I can do to quarantine the past.

None of my efforts is of any use.
No, I cannot be alone, I refuse.
Far too tempted to join you in peace,
Where you now rest, in the vast ocean’s lease.
Last summer seems like a dream to me now.
Don't just tell me you like it. I don't buy that to begin with, please, I need criticism!
 
What's to criticize? It IS a good poem. I can tell you why I like it.

The first stanza paints a picture of a young woman you hold close in your heart.(if it's a guy, then you need to change the wording to depict masculine)

Second stanza uses the word vapidity (most people would not know what that means). Most unusual, but it fits like a glove.

Third stanza: Something doesn't flow just right in the first sentence-maybe tweak it just a little bit.

The contemplated suicide jumps out at you and leaves you wondering if he joined his beloved in eternal rest.(I'm still picturing a girl)
Criticize? Sorry to disappoint. Not much to criticize. If I was the teacher, you'd probably get an A.
 
thats really good mine? http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=ApjEy4Vt7OzqM77kb.ALlPfsy6IX;_ylv=3?qid=20090915172236AA8zheN
 
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