Anyone know any funny jokes I can tell my grandpa?

  • Thread starter Thread starter LaLa
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LaLa

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He loves jokes, and I'm gonna see him this weekend, so I wanted to know some. Any kind are fine, but I'm looking for kinda like short story jokes. But the short question/answer ones are cool, too.

Here's one I want to tell him. Tell me if I'm saying it right, please:

This guy is walking on a deserted beach when he comes across a magic lamp. He rubs it and a genie comes out.

"Wow! A genie!" The guys says.

"Yes, and I'm here to grant you three wishes. But first, who is your least favorite person in the whole world?"

"That's easy. My mother-in-law!"

"Okay, what is your first wish?" The genie asks.

"I wish for a million dollars!"

And so, the genie poofs a million dollars in front of the man.

"But, just for you to know," The genie says. "At this moment, your mother-in-law has just recieved 2 million dollars. For everything you wish for, she gets double."

"That's not fair," The guy says. "She doesn't deserve anything!"

"Look I don't make the rules, okay?" Says the genie. "What's your next wish?"

"Uhm...I wish for a red convertible!"

And so the genie poofs a red convertible in front of the man. "But remember, at this moment, two red convertibles are waiting in your mother-in-law's driveway."

"That's crazy," The guy says. "That good for nothing shouldn't get-"

"Your last wish?" The genie interrupts.

The guy hands the genie a baseball bat. "I wish for you to beat me half to death."

Thanks for the help, everyone!
 
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Two men are hunting in the woods and one has a heart attack. The other guy thinks that his friend has died so he calls 911 on his cell phone and explains the situation. They are very far from getting help so the dispatcher gives him instructions. The dispatcher tells him, "First make sure that he is dead before we do anything." After a moment, the dispatcher hears a gunshot. When the man gets back on the phone he says, "OK, he's dead, now what?"
 
haha yeah thats right, but the version i know is a blonde joke, it goes like this

A brunette is walking through the country, when she finds a bottle. She rubs it and, you guessed it, a genie appears.

The genie says, "You are allowed three wishes. But, I must warn you, anything you get, all the blondes in the world get twice as much."

The woman says, "Okay. Give me a nice house."

The genie replies, "You now have one nice house and all the blondes in the world have two."

The the lady says, "Give me a gorgeous man."

The genie replies, "You now have one gorgeous man, while all the blondes have two."

The lady says, "For my last wish, Genie, see that stick over there? Beat me half to death with it."


another blonde joke that i think is funny

A police officer pulls over a car with a young blonde driver in it....
Cop : "Miss, this is a 65 MPH highway, why are you going so slowly?"
Blonde : "Officer, I saw a lot of signs saying 22, not 65."
Cop : "Oh miss, that's not the speed limit, that's the name of the highway you're on!"
Blonde : "Oh! Stupid me! Thanks for letting me know, Ill be more careful from now on."
At this point the cop looks into the back seat of the car, where the passengers are shaking and white as ghosts.
Cop : "Excuse me miss, what's wrong with your friends back there? They're shaking something awful."
Blonde : "Oh... We just got off of highway 119".
 
The joke seemed fine to me. Made me laugh. Here's another:

A woman's husband comes home from fishing, and decides to take a nap. Bored she picks up the latest novel she's reading and takes the boat out for a spin. Reaching a nice secluded spot she drops anchor, and plops open her book. A few minutes later a Game Warden trawls up beside her.

"What are you doing?" He asks.
"I'm reading a book."
"Well I'm goin' to have to write you up. You're in a no fishing zone."
"I'm not fishing. Like I said I'm reading a book."
"Doesn't matter. You've got all the equipment in your boat. You could start fishing at any time."
"Officer, I'm not out here to fish, I'm just reading."
"LIKE I said you could start at any time. You've got all the equipment. So, I'm afraid I will have to write you up."
"Well then I'm afraid I'll have to charge you with sexual harrassment."
"Huh! But I haven't touched you."
"Doesn't matter you've got all the equipment. For all I know you could start up at any time."
"You have a nice evenning mam." The game warden said, and pulled off shaking his head.


The moral of the story: Never get into a battle of wit with a woman reading a book, as it's highly likely she'll outsmart you.
 
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