Any opinions on this poem?

K

Kirstie M

New member
I wrote this, and I know its rough yet, but I'd like to see what people think so far, of the idea. Anything I should change? Opinions, advice, or ideas are really appreciated, thanks.



The moon fell out amongst the sky,
The sun was gone and the colours drained away.
Like the blood from my face when I read those words.
Like the thoughts in my head when I saw your words.


And the stars were shining in my window,
I use to love them you know.
The moon use to look in past my curtains,
I thought I loved you, you know.


Remember when we spoke all night?
You went to bed, and told me it was light,
Could hear the birds outside your window,
You didn’t mind, you got to speak to me though.


And I hope that the skies are bluer over there,
They should be, it’s the thoughts we shared.
But there’s thoughts I haven’t said to you,
Because I don’t know if your thoughts are true.


I don’t know anything anymore,
Not that I thought I did before.
Naivety is such a sad thing,
I hate the things you’ve done to me.
 
I'll try. Your poem is an extended metaphor. Some work, some do not. How can the moon fell out amongst the sky when it exists in the sky?

The moon fell out amongst the sky,
The sun was gone and the colours drained away.
Like the blood from my face when I read those words.
Like the thoughts in my head when I saw your words.

(Jecks is right; too many uses of your words in L3 & L4)

The metaphor in L2, 3, 4 is comparing the way your face lost its color to a sunset. How do your thoughts fit this?

And the stars were shining in my window,
I use to love them you know. <--- used; comma after them
The moon use to look in past my curtains, <--- used
I thought I loved you, you know.

Remember when we spoke all night?
You went to bed, and told me it was light,
Could hear the birds outside your window,
You didn't mind, you spoke to me though. <-- rough; made a slight edit.

And I hope that the skies are bluer over there,
They should be, it’s the ideas we shared. <-- changed to ideas
But there’s thoughts I haven’t said to you,
Because I don’t know if your words are true. <-- changed to words

(Three uses of thoughts so close together cause readers to skip #2, & #3; I changed two of them, and wrote thoughts just once. Is this stanza stronger? )

This next stanza needs to be the most powerful. IMO, It could be more so if you explained what happened. Was there a lover who lied? It changes the context of the previous stanzas. What do you want? Say it. Show me.

I don’t know anything anymore,
Not that I thought I did before.
Naivety is such a sad thing,
I hate the things you’ve done to me

Rewriting is the author's greatest tool! gg
I want to read the revised edition because you have fantastic imagery throughout, and a sense of naivety (been there) that lets you believe what you are told, not what you see.
 
it's a bit rough but i really like it. you have some amazing imagery and i like how there is a little bit of mystery. love has obviously hurt you, and i feel your pain. you are lost and yearning for your heart to heal. i wouldn't really change much. just read it over and over, and make sure it means what you want it to mean. because that is the most important thing when you express yourself in poetry. good luck!
 
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