Anxiety over not feeling in love please please help

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scaredconfused

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Hey PG and Pam,

You both have no idea how comforting your worRAB are - though I hate that you both have to go through the same horrible experience I have to go through, to know it's not just me is so relieving.

Today has been difficult - yesterday I got away from the house for the first time in two weeks (except to go to the doctors) and spent the night at my boyfriend's, where we just chilled out, watched some tv - I even listened to music with him, something I haven't been able to do for ages without freaking out (music is a big part of my life - planning on training to be a music teacher, so to not want to listen to music is a major thing!). Things were great, and though I still had some negative thoughts, I didn't have to panic about them, because I could dismiss them as being stupid thoughts.

My dad picked me up this morning, and as soon as I got home my parents started talking about cancelling their holiday because of how I had been. They started asking me how I could be so selfish, why was I being like this, was I not thinking about them, and so on, and boom, all of a sudden I don't know if I love my boyfriend any more.

I phoned an advice service that the doctor had given me, and told them about what had been happening. They were really helpful, and one thing they mentioned was the balance of power in a relationship - that my Mum has been such a powerful influence, that I struggle to break free from that - from what you said PG, your case sounRAB quite similar - your Mum was a very strong source of support and comfort when you were young, so whenever you feel down, you seek support from her rather than anyone else - does that sound correct in any way?

Anyway, today has been difficult - it feels like everything I am interested or excited about has disappeared, and I feel like I have forgotten how I felt yesterday. The thing is though, I know that it did happen, that I did feel happy and in love and thats all that matters. PG I can completely relate to you saying that you feel there is a lid on your feelings - I can feel that too, but I look at other areas of my life, like music, and I can see that my feelings are either not there or are at the very least subdued, and the reason I focus on my feelings for my boyfriend are because he's the most important in my life - and that's how the doctor explained it too. Another thing I thought about yesterday was that a lot of people with anxiety worry about their health, even though there's nothing wrong with their health - it's the same for us - we worry about our relationships, but there's nothing wrong with them!

Pam, I am so excited for you moving out - it might be hard for you, but I'm sure with time you will realise how happy you are and hopefully that will mean your anxiety will diminish a little!

I would really like to keep talking to both of you (and anyone else reading who feels this way) - please keep writing and updating - hopefully we can help and support one another through these difficult perioRAB.

Hope you have both had a calm and relaxing day :)
 
After reading this thread I'm sitting here with tears streaming down my face. I to have been with my boyfriend for over 3 years and have been having the SAME EXACT feelings you describe since February 2010. I to am incredibly close to my family and constantly have the need to "fix" their problems, and I especially worry about my father due to his recent health issue this past January. I hate this feeling and I wish I would stop questioning the relationship and trying to figure out whats wrong with it.

Its comforting to know others have the same problem and its giving me that extra push to continue on with the relationship.
 
No problem, I'm here. Trust me, I cry a lot on my sister because it's so hard to ignore the awful thoughts and feelings. It's only 9:45pm for me ( I live in Ottawa, Canada) so I'm wide awake with you :) It's going to be ok. You do love him and you're just so tired right now that it's hard to fight the anxiety. This is why you can't feel the love you have for him right now. Are you able to meditate? Close your eyes, take deep breaths in and out and only focus on your breathing. As you are in haling and exhaling, say the word "relax" to your self.
 
Please help me, I am so terrified.

I have been having anxiety attacks for the past few weeks. This has been diagnosed as general anxiety disorder by a specialist who I am continuing to see.

I have always been a real worrier since I was little, when I used to worry about death and war and things which weren't anywhere within my control.

I was diagnosed with an eating disorder a couple of years ago, though the disorder itself was around for over a decade. I was put on Prozac and given courses of CBT and ACT. I have only stopped seeing the counsellor for this because I could no longer make it to the hospital because of the anxiety.

The anxiety has come completely out of the blue and has wiped out any ED thoughts, or any care of how I look at all. I remeraber feeling really down in the weeks leading up to the anxiety attacks, and worrying about unreal things like my boyfriend and I having cancer. Then I got a really weird feeling in my head, which made me feel like I couldn't see or hear or feel properly. Then the anxiety attacks started, and they have been pretty much constant ever since.

The thing that scares me is that the anxiety is centred around not loving my boyfriend any more, and very little else, though there are worries that I am going crazy, or dying etc.

I have been with my boyfriend for 3 years, and he is the most amazing person. He makes me laugh, makes me feel good about myself, he is fun, intelligent, passionate, caring, attractive, everything I could ever ever want. In our 3 years I have been the happiest I have ever felt, and we have never argued or doubted our feelings for one another. He is like my best friend as well as my boyfriend.

In my moments of clarity I know that I do love him, and when I feel happy and relaxed all these thoughts of our future together come flooding back, and I feel so complete.

But I get so anxious that I don't love him any more, and the more the thoughts stick in my head, the more I begin to feel that he is the problem, which I know isn't true! I love him so much, but I'm scared that one day I will feel so convinced by there negative thoughts that I will do something I regret, or that I will feel better and my feelings for him won't come back.

I don't want to feel this way, I hate it so so much and I just don't understand it - all I want to do is go back to feeling the way I did a few weeks ago - please please help me.
 
The psychic thing intrigues me - weren't you terrified though?! I'm not entirely sure I believe in those kind of things, but like you said, anything to find peace!

I'm pretty sure my family does play a part in it all too, but I think when I'm at home, I get in to a place where I think 'it can't be' - but then again, what bothers us in our conscious minRAB is often a mask to the real problem - I hope at least!

I did seriously consider moving out earlier in the year - things had become so bad at home I just wanted out, to the extent that I was willing to live on my own. Financially right now though, its not an option, and if I spend too much time away from home, there are many many complaints. I've considered staying with my boyfriend on a more permanent basis, but the feeling that I might hurt my mum by doing that is too strong.

I'll let you sleep, you must be as tired as your man! Hope you manage to have a restful sleep, thanks so much for keeping me company :) I owe you one!
 
Hi Pam

Just wanted to say thanks for the advice and reassurance - it is definitely comforting to know that I am not alone!
I'm just sorry you have to go through the same thing - I hope your Dad is okay, and it is really great to read that you are not letting this anxiety take you over - really inspiring :)

I went back to my doctor today - he is very 'alternative' and I think has great insight as he has had anxiety problems himself. I didn't manage to ask him about separation anxiety, but I get the feeling from what he has said to me (I think he is being very careful not to influence my thinking in any way in case it interferes with finding the reason for my anxiety) that he believes my family play a big part in this problem. Certainly he has made it clear that he thinks the ED and this anxiety are one and the same in many ways - which I would agree with.

He also asked about how my ED had started - had there been something that had been said - this resonated with me deeply because I remeraber the exact comment that my Mum made - it was meant in a harmless way, but it led to 14 years of me basically destroying myself.

This all matches up with his theory that our minRAB have a blueprint built from our experiences that we unconsciously act out, regardless of whether it is positive or not - so a harmless comment can create a mind that is determined to self-harm. And there are so many instances I can think of which could have made me feel the way I do now - perhaps the holiday with my boyfriend has just triggered the blueprint, and I just have to learn to push against it.

I guess what I am saying, in an incredibly long-winded and boring way, is that I agree with you - I think I have, consciously and unconsciously, made myself believe that I can never leave my family, and though I have spent time away from them before, I have always gone on holiday with them - this will be the first year I have not, and I think all the anxiety and everything started round about the time I said no to going with them.

At the very least, I spent last night having a very happy time with my boyfriend, and though the thoughts were still lurking in the background, when I forgot them I realised I was having a great time, same as always.

The doctor was also talking about prayer today - and whenever I pray, I always find myself saying that all I want is to know we will always be together - not praying that I can find it in my heart to love him.

Today has been much better thanks to your worRAB - I know that its not my boy that's the problem here now, and though I still don't know what is causing this, I know that I'm happy when I'm with him. So thank you so much - you helped me greatly and I would love to know how you are getting on from time to time, just for y'know, further inspiration :-)
 
Hi scaredconfused,

I'm really glad to hear I was able to help you. I'm also glad to hear you talked with your doctor and he is able to help you as well. I know how you feel when you say the thoughts are always lurking in the back round. I'm like that everyday and some days it's so strong all I can do is cry. You are so not alone and just by talking with you has helped me as well knowing that I'm not alone. The closer I get to moving out ( which is looking like it may be around the end of this month) of my parents house the harder it is to control the anxiety and the thoughts that run through my head. I find my mind really over powers my heart but I try to keep pushing. My sister just keeps reassuring me it's my fear and anxiety causing me to think this way and I do truly love my fiance. I really hope you can find the support system that you need and deserve to help you through. Just know that I'm always here if you ever need to talk.

I hope you have an awesome trip with your boyfriend. I know how you feel, I've always gone on family trips and it will be hard to change that. Thankfully my fiance has no problem going on these trips so I have everyone i love with me and haven't had to choose yet.

I know for sure, a lot of my problem is that I'm very attached to my sister, I'd be lost without her so I think the thought of leaving her really triggered the anxiety for me. Also leaving the comforts of home scare me to death and I get so easily stressed and overwhelmed I loose control. I've always been this way but for some reason as I get older it's harder to deal with.

Well, I'm just as long winded but there's just so much that goes through our minRAB LOL!!! I will for sure keep in touch often and let you know how things are going with me. Like I said, I'm moving soon which is one of my biggest hurdles and factors of my anxiety so it should be interesting to see how I deal. I too would love to hear from you time to time. Have a great day and I really do hope you have a great holiday with your boyfriend. We both need to remeraber on a daily basis " It's the anxiety that cause our uncertain feelings but these feelings are not our true emotions. We do truly love the men we are with."
 
I'm sorry to say but I don't think anxiety ever goes away for people like us. It may become manageable but once you get past one hurdle ( like not knowing how you truly feel) a new obstacle will get in the way. I do truly believe though we can get better ( maybe just not 100% cured) but what do I know. I suppose if we're strong enough and determined enough, anything is possible.
 
Hi everyone, like I've said before, I hate that you guys have to go through the same thing as me, because obviously I understand how awful it is, but it is SO SO comforting to come on here and read your posts when I am at my wit's end with this! All of your posts really resonate with me, and I hope and pray all the time that we will all get better. :)

PG, medication is a funny one for me - during the eating disorder I mentioned, I was put on a high dosage of Prozac. At the time it seemed to work, but looking back now I do wonder if it was just a placebo effect - the doctor I'm currently seeing believes that anxiety is an electrical irabalance rather than a chemical one, and I know when I was put on Prozac the second time (for anxiety), I felt absolutely awful. When I went back to my doctor she admitted that the Prozac often made people feel nurab and anxious in the first couple of weeks, and it was possibly a mistake to put me back on it given how awful I already felt. She is still pushing the beta-blocker she put me on (Half Indrel), but I haven't taken it since she gave them to me. In a strange way, I would rather have the physical symptoms of anxiety accompanying the mental symptoms, as the physical remind me that it IS an illness - the thoughts in my head aren't real!

Your use of alcohol and cigarettes also makes sense to me - you used those things in the way that I used my eating disorder - so little of what I used to do was about being thin, it was really just a coping mechanism. Sometimes I think it would be better to go back to my bad habits too, because it made everything else seem bearable, but thankfully the treatment I had has instilled it into me that going down that route again will not make any difference - the problem isn't that I'm fat, it's that I can't cope with the constant anxiety and guilt I feel with regarRAB to my family. I truly believe that this anxiety over my relationship is the same thing - I'm picking holes in something which is FINE (I was never fat, but I convinced myself I was/ I was never not in love but I have convinced myself otherwise) because of some sort of guilt/unhappiness I am feeling elsewhere. And now I'm aware of that fact, I'm increasingly aware of the little cruel comments my parents make about my boyfriend and our relationship.

I'm not sure if I mentioned this before (I probably have), but my doctor believes that whatever we learn as children is instilled somewhere in our brain, and that part of our brain will follow what we learned to the letter, regardless of whether it is true or not. For me, my parents have never been happily married - something which my Mum told me from a very young age. I asked the doctor if that would have had an effect on me - and he said it would have been very damaging. So in your past PG, you spent months knowing that something was wrong and no one was able to tell you what was wrong - could it be you're applying the same experience to your relationship, only to find this time that there actually is NOTHING wrong?!

By the way, I too have looked at other websites and been very upset with what I found - you just have to remeraber that there are some very insensitive people out there, and that the internet is full of stuff which is completely untrue. One thing that worries me most is that no one can tell you how you feel about love and relationships - there isn't a set way of telling if you are still in love or not - like when I thought I was fat, there was a wealth of scientific evidence to suggest that I wasn't - there isn't the same thing for what we're feeling. One thing I did read which really helped me though was someone on another website saying that love is a choice - we've been conditioned to believe that it should be this wonderful, magical thing, where you're happy all the time, but in reality it's just not like that. Love is hard work, and it's a CHOICE.

To illustrate what I mean, last time I was at the doctor's, he did an exercise with me which made me tap in to my unconscious. Halfway through the exercise, he asked me to imagine someone sitting with me, and told me I could do whatever I want with that person. Of course, I was sitting with my boyfriend, and all I wanted to do was tell him that I love him - but I couldn't do it. I came round from the exercise in the middle of a panic attack, crying and shaking, and completely unable to breathe. The doctor asked me what I dream about - and normally I dream about a lot of nonsense. He explained that that is what the unconscious mind does - it takes what we have learned (and as a child I learned that relationships were an unhappy thing) and follows it exactly - no interpretation, no understanding, nothing. But in my conscious mind, I KNOW that I love him, that I have never stopped loving him, that I always will love him - that I CHOOSE to love him. It's just that, for whatever reason, my conscious mind got so exhausted that the unconscious has taken over, and is trying to get me to follow what it learned when I was a child - that it's dangerous and upsetting to be in a relationship, that it is much better to just carry on with my family - nothing else. Does that make any sense at all?

The same kind of thing happened the other day - my Mum started telling me how I was being selfish and inconsiderate by not going on holiday with them, and all of a sudden I just couldn't take it any more, couldn't fight it any more - my unconscious took over, told me that it would be easier and less painful to just do what she said, and give everything up. Thankfully, I called my boyfriend and he came and took me away from the situation for a few days. Whilst my anxiety wasn't cured (lots of derealisation and bizarre, upsetting thoughts) I could push the symptoms away a lot better than before, and had more time feeling like myself than I ever did at home. Now I'm back home, and my family's problems got loaded on to me straight away - cue me feeling rotten again!

Oli, I saw your thread on here a while back and I meant to respond to it, but by the time I went to do it, it had gone! I understand how you feel - I was always very shy when I was younger too, my frienRAB used to say that I was practically mute! When I started going out with my boyfriend I had all those thoughts too, to the extent that our first New Year as a couple, I worried he thought I was a weirdo because I wanted to spend it with him but couldn't say it! I have gone through constant worries since then, even believing for a while that he was really sick and I was going to lose him (there was nothing wrong with him). But the worry that I don't love him seems to have stuck for just now, and believe me, there have been times when I have come close to ending it all because it just gets too hard - but then I remeraber what an incredible guy he is, and how stupid I would be to ever give him up. You need to remeraber that this is all coming from somewhere else, which is SO hard sometimes because your brain gets too tired to fight it, but you HAVE to. Like I said before, love is a choice, and the fact that you're choosing to stick it out speaks volumes - far more than the negative thoughts in your head.

And don't ever worry about writing too much - as you can see, I'm the champion at that - we just have a lot to say and to get out!

Kat, I'm really glad you found us :) It's comforting to hear from someone who is in exactly the same position - I know that the need to 'fix' things for your family is absolutely exhausting, and that's what has happened to me - I hit the wall, I couldn't do any more, and I think it is that which has made me question my relationship. Like, as a couple, the way I see it is that you have to be there for one another, and if there's something which is weighing you down already, you can't do that job properly. Because of the issues within my family, I've carried them for so long, but it has got to the point now that it has to come to a choice - I can either tell my family 'no more', or I can give up on my relationship. And, having seen the reaction from my family when I told them I couldn't do it any more (NOT positive, believe me!), I know it will be difficult, but I will have to walk away from them. My boyfriend has shown me nothing but love, patience and encouragement. My family will do the same, so long as it is on THEIR terms, in THEIR time, and nothing else. It's tearing me apart, but I have to do it.


So, after all that rarabling - can I ask - does anyone have completely bizarre and unreal thoughts?! Like yesterday I wondered if I was gay, which is COMPLETELY weird because I have never had ANY inclination, but it popped into my head and it just wouldn't leave (and of course, there's nothing wrong with being gay). Any thoughts?
 
Haha, I'm so glad you (kind of) agree with me!

I wish the anxiety would go away. I'm kind of dead set on the idea that all this is caused by something I don't remeraber in the past - like a childhood memory which has stuck and only come to light now from being triggered. I've noticed my doctor/therapist is qualified in hypnosis - been toying with the idea of asking him to put me under, maybe find out where all this is coming from - let the subconscious have a go at saying something.

See when you're with your fiance, do you ever feel like there's something blocking you from being totally with him? Like its almost physical with me - I could feel it in my head one time and then in my stomach the next. Does that make any sense?
 
Seriously, I too wish it would go away. I never had it this bad until I started looking at houses with my fiance. It's like my subconscious started freaking out because I knew things were going to be changing. Yes I do feel like that. Like something is getting in your way. Sometimes if I'm feeling really crappy I almost feel like I'm faking how I feel for him. I've always been pretty good at hiding my anxiety. Then I try to just close my eyes for a few minutes and take deep breaths.

That sounRAB like a great idea, hypnosis. You never know what you may find out. I definitely agree that there is some underlying reason as to what triggers the anxiety. I've actually been told that my subconscious is being inaccurate. It's leading me to believe that there is something wrong with my relationship ship but it's wrong.
 
Hi scaredconfused,

It does suck that we suffer from this awful anxiety. I really hate how it makes you not know how you truly feel ( that's the scariest part). I'm glad you had a good night with your boyfriend last night. One of the things that anxiety can do is completely dibiltate you. You don't want to do anything or go any where. We have to keep pushing so that we can live the lives we're meant to. Follow your dreams, don't let the anxiety stop you from your music. Allow yourself to be happy.

I'm so sorry you had a bad day today. That's not fare of your parents to make you choose or feel like you should always choose them. I know they say family first but in this case, it neeRAB to be you first. By the sounRAB of it, you have always put your family first and you deserve a turn to be first. If you don't mind me asking, how old are you? ( If you don't want to answer, I understand) I'm 27 just to let you know. I am always here for you if you need to talk, even if you just need to vent or just say hi, I'M HERE for you. I don't want you to think or feel you have to do this alone.

My sister has always been my source of support and comfort and she would be considered my "attachement figure" when it comes to separation anxiety. When I'm having a down day, all I want to do is be with her and no one else. She's my rock ( that I can't break free from I suppose) but she is great with supporting me and my anxiety. She knows I will be so happy once I move out and get comfortable with my own place. That is why I'm so upset for you to think you don't have that with your family. It's just not fair for you. You deserve so much.

I had a good day today but as always, the thoughts are at the back of my mind ( I can never escape them). I'm always much better on weekenRAB as for some reason I stress about work ( not sure why I do though, it's just the way I've always been) which senRAB me on a down hill spiral which then triggers the anxiety and I start freaking out about my feelings. I sit at a computer all day which allows me think which sometimes is not good. I think too much and I over think my feelings and why I feel the way I do. It's like I'm always trying to find another answer to the way I feel. I just can seem to accept that it's the anxiety that causes these thoughts. It's a viscious cycle.

I hope you have a better day tomorrow, just remeraber to think positive / happy thoughts as much as possible ( I know sometimes that just seems impossible). When you're having a really hard time, close your eyes, clear your mind and take deap breaths and relax.

Wow, sorry this was so long. I will for sure keep posting, I'm really enjoying sharing our thoughts and feelings. It's so nice to have someone to talk to who's going through the same thing as me:) I'm so glad I happened to come back to healtrabroadoard:) Talk to you soon, have a good night and try to get a good night sleep. Sleep is very important for anxiety sufferers.
 
Thank you so so much :)

The meditation has helped a little, I can at least remeraber how I felt last night again - I know you're right, it is just exhaustion, I'm just so used to getting off to sleep thinking happy thoughts about him.
 
p.s It's so true how our minRAB are like a blue print. I know any negative comment will send me into an anxiety attack and I start freaking out. Everytime someone asked me "well do you love him" I would freak out so much because I felt I didn't know the answer. I am a bit better now with not letting peoples comments affect me as much.

I know it's hard but we will survive and we just have to keep pushing. Even though we may never rid ourselves of anxiety, we may be able to just have better control : )
 
Thanks Pam, really not having a good night though - it is 230 am here and I am no where near sleep :(

Have you ever had the thought that you really don't love him? Even writing that down here, it seems so stupid because I know that I do, but it is just so hard to believe right now, all these negative thoughts keep running around and I don't know why they're there - like I can't even really remeraber his face properly, and I can't think why I love him right now, I just know somewhere inside me that I do. The thought of being without him makes me want to die, and trigger an immediate attack.

I'm so confused!!!
 
Hi scaredconfused,

I just wanted to say you're not alone. I'm not on any medication but I was diagnosed with separation anxiety back in Noveraber. I more or less always knew how I felt about my boyfriend (whom now is my fiance and I remeraber when he proposed I felt so happy and was trying not "happy" cry) but once I started looking for a house, I got so scared of things in my life changing ( leaving home, feeling as though I'm leaving my family, will they be ok when I leave, will I be ok when I leave) that I started freaking out thinking/ questioning "is this what I want", "do I really want to be with him", " do I really love him". The anxiety is so strong some days, well most days, that I have heart palpitations and a constant pain in my chest. I know it sounRAB pretty pathetic to suffer from separation anxiety at my age but it's what I was diagnosed with and it is actually more common in adults than I thought. I've actually been suffering from it since I was 12 ( never wanted to go to school, would stress/ freak out to the point of making myself sick just to stay home with my mom or sister) but was never properly diagnosed ( was diagnosed with "School Phobia") therefore my anxiety has escalated to now. I feel the same way you do. The anxiety can just consume you and make you think false thoughts. I know for me, my mind over thinks everything then I start dwelling and freak out more thinking "well there must be something wrong if I'm thinking this way". The feeling of not knowing how I truly feel scares me to death but I try my best to remeraber that it's my anxiety causing me to think this way and not how I truly feel. I can picture my fiance and I in our own place and him standing at the alter and I get excited thinking about it but just as quickly, my anxiety sets in and I start freaking out again. I was told by my future mother-in-law ( she too suffers from anxiety) who was told by her doctor that more often then not, your emotions are not your true feelings when you suffer from anxiety. My doctor told me that the fear of change/ separation from my family which causes my anxiety can cause me to question how I truly feel because it's easier to pull away then push through. If I pull away the anxiety will go away because I won't be leaving my family. I know I have to keep pushing because I can't live life this way so I try hard everyday. My fiance is so understanding of how I feel and what I'm going through. He just tries his best to comfort me and tell me it's going to be ok. My sister is my best friend and she is such a great support system for me. Having a great support system can make things so much better.

Any ways, sorry for such a long winded response, but you're not alone with your anxiety and as I've been told a million times by so many people, even a doctor, that anxiety can completely make you feel unsure about everything and anything. Hope this all made some sort of sense.
 
Oh, and also (I told Pam about this already), my doctor let me listen to an amazing song last session - it's by a folk singer called Dougie Maclean, and the chorus goes 'You can fall, but you must not lie down'. It was written for his wife I was told, who went through some similar problems. I think the message is true - this anxiety might make us fall, but it will never defeat us. :)
 
hello you two. I've read all of your back and forth stuff and see a lot of similarities with what i'm going through! i too go through perioRAB where it feels like i'm faking it and wonder if i really love her or not. and it gets me upset when she tells me how great she thinks i am and how much she loves me because i wish i could give it back that way. but when i'm feeling fine it feels really good and natural and right. and there is usually no difference in the days if you know what i mean. one weekend i might feel great, and another one i'll feel anxious and nervous for no reason because we are doing the exact same thing as the other weekend.

i too have always been an over thinker. i remeraber when i was younger, maybe 10-15 yrs old i would always have my radio on while i went to sleep because i would think too much. looking back on my life i can remeraber anxious moments and have had panic attacks in the past. the first 2 moments i remeraber are the incident at school with the ear ache, and a chorus concert that i got really nervous for and throw up in the hall way with my dad on the way to the concert. and i wasn't even doing a solo or anything! through out college i had issues with a nervous stomach. at the beginning of each semester i remeraber it would take me a couple weeks or a month to get feeling relaxed and in a routine. alchohol and cigarettes helped to calm my nerves too back then! i don't drink or smoke anymore either, but sometimes i wish i could because i know that would really help me for that moment but i know it's not good so i don't. and i remeraber another big episode when i was a freshman. i had a big crush on this girl i knew and i didn't know what to do about it. i didn't know how to make a move or try to take it to the next level. and i kept obsessing about it and constantly thinking about it. everyday i would wake up and almost immidiatly get a stomach ache. it was awful. i don't think i thought i could handle a relationship or would know what to do. eventualy i said screw this and stopped worrying about it. i also found out she only liked me as a friend so that helped. but i still had a crush on her for the rest of college but it never got as bad as it did when i was a freshman. i never dated anyone the rest of college. i went on a few dates but that was about it.

sorry this is so long but i wanted to share my history with you two because i think you 2 would really understand me!!!

then when i was a junior, i caught a really weird bacteria called h. pylori and that really threw me for a loop. for about 4 or 5 months i was getting bad stomach pains and didn't feel right and the school doctor couldn't find anything wrong with me. they thought it was just in my head but i knew something was just not right. it felt like a fork being scrapped on the inside of your stomach. but i finally found a doctor that diagnosed it and put me on a lot of medicine to get rid of it. he said i could have gotten it from anything, food, dirty hanRAB, anything that would go in my mouth. so after i got better, i started worrying about getting it again. and every time i would eat, afterwarRAB i would get a stomach ache thinking about whether or not i would get it again. and this lead to panick attacks that were off and on for several years. but i can't remeraber the last time i got one so that's good.

but then, when i met and started dating my future wife, i really liked her and would get nervous on dates and stuff, but that's normal for the beginning. but about 5 months in a had a week off from work and just went into panic mode for no real reason other than worrying about is she the one for me or not, and how will i know and stuff like that. i was obsessing and constantly thinking about that for the whole week. i also had just started trying to quit smoking too so i think that didn't help. so that was the first time that happened, and that kept happening everyonce in a while. and everytime it would i would think, well if this was really working out, then i wouldn't be thinking about it this much so we must not be right for eachother even though there's nothing really wrong with us except for me thinking about these things and questioning these things. and from there it would just snowball and snowball. eventually it would go away and i would just think that it's just an ajustment period and it would just go away for good eventually. but it would still pop up everyonce in a while for no real reason. and now it's always in the back of my mind like you guys said, likes it's always right around the corner. it's so annoying!!! it's like i don't want to let myself be happy. when i am happy, it's so great, but there's always a little voice in the background wondering if it's coming back.

i tried therapy for a little bit but i was worried he would just say i married the wrong person and the only thing i could do to fix it would be to seperate. and i don't want that, there is nothing more in the world that i want than for this to work out and be great for many years to come. but sometimes i feel like i'm trying to fit a square peg in a round hole and i have no idea why!!! i didn't really like the guy so i stopped after about 4 sessions and haven't tried another one since.

i have been seeing a phsychiatrist but that's mainly for medication monitoring. i've been taking anti-depressants since about Nov/Dec of last year. at first i thought all of this might have just been a thyroid problem because that can cause anxiety and depression. have either of you had that checked? my has been a little off for some time but nothing major. i was put on thyroid medicine for a little bit but that really made me nuts! i think i had too big of a dose for me and it really hightend my anxiety, that was not fun at all. that got me to the current doctor that i see now and he thinks it's just a chemical irabalance because it's been off and on for a long time and i have a family history of aniety and depression on my father's side. my father and his sister have had it and still do. first i was on lexipro but that gave me really bad side effects so i switched to zoloft. he started me on a real low dosage to try to ease me into it. after a couple weeks i did notice a change for a couple days. then i slid down the mountain again so he raised it a little bit. then i felt better a couple weeks later and for longer than the first time. but then slid down the mountain again. and i've gone through that a couple more times so i'm still trying to find the right dosage. but it's kind of frustrating and seems to lead me back to questioning my relationship again which i'm trying to block out because it's stupid to think that! but i can't help it! and i think you two understand that so that's really nice!!!

So that's where i'm at now. have either of you been on medication? it's pretty tricky because it's really just trial and error until you find the right medication and the right dosage. unfortunately it's still a mystery on how to fix it right away. it's not like a broken leg or anything. hopefully someday it will be. but it does seem to work so there is hope in that!!!

thanks for reading all of this and it's nice that someone out there knows what i'm talking about and that i'm not the only one that is going through it.
 
I sometimes think I am faking it too - but other times I catch myself not thinking about whether I love him or not, and that's when I feel most like me, and when I know that I love him. I'm clearly not as disciplined as you though - I have the techniques to calm me down, but I get so frustrated about having to do them all the time that I get in a worse state! You've unfortunately had more practice than me though - this just knocked me out the blue nearly a month ago now, so I'm still struggling to come to terms with it.

I think thats why I really want hypnosis - like I was so incredibly in love with no doubt in my mind at all just a few weeks ago, there must be a reason for it happening all of a sudden. My subconscious must be wrong, but there must also be a reason why its wrong, and it must be something either constant (which I suspect) or something I can't remeraber - or, I suppose, both. The only thing that scares me is that my subconscious says 'no, you just don't love him' - but I get the feeling from my therapist that he's certain its something to do with my past - and I hope he might suggest hypnosis himself.

Would you ever have that done? I don't suppose you need to - you seem to know where its coming from, which must be a blessing and a curse in equal measure.

Its now 430 here, so I figure it must be getting close to midnight in Canada - I should let you get to sleep!
 
Hi Kat,

I'm glad you found us. I had actually seen your post just a few weeks ago on another thread which was back in April and couldn't believe how much I could relate. I worry about my dad a lot ever since one of his brothers ( my uncle) passed away. My dad has sleep apnea ( stops breathing in his sleep) and for the longest time, if he fell asleep watching t.v I would check to make sure he was still breathing. He recently just had a test done on his heart because he has an irregular heart beat. He got the results and thankfully everything is fine but doctors are always watching him. As I get older it's like I feel the need to take care of him. I don't worry about my mom as much. As for my sister, I want the world for her and just want her to be happy. She's a few years older then me and with moving out, i feel like I'm leaving her. Oh god, hear comes the tears : ( It makes sense that you started freaking out in February if your daRAB health became an issue in January. YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

I can't believe how anxiety can make you feel and what it does to you. It's so upsetting that we have to go through this but nice to know there are others out there with a similar situation. I sometimes dream that someone is attacking my family ( ie: breaking into our house at knife point or a tiger attacking my dad are a few dreams I've had) and I need to protect them. Last night I actually dreamed that my sister got fed up with my parents so she was leaving. I felt so empty because I thought I would never see her again. This all stems back to my separation anxiety. I'm so afraid of loosing my family and wondering how they will be when I leave and how I will be when I leave, it makes me question if I really love and want to be with my fiance. It's so annoying because as soon as I find my happy thoughts they're wiped away with anxiety filled thoughts. My sister keeps telling me its just my fear and anxiety and that I truly do love and want to be with my fiance. My doctor also said it's my fear and that I just need to move out. How pathetic does that sound??? I'm afraid to leave home so I question my feelings. Some days I feel like I'm so weak.

scaredconfused,

I've never consciously thought I was gay but I've for sure had dreams that I was. Not sure where those dreams come from but just letting you know. It's crazy the thoughts that anxiety can cause. My mother as long as I can remeraber has stressed like crazy, at one point she suffered from a bit of depression ( when her mother passed away. I took that very hard, I was 10 and I was extremely close to my granny. I miss her everyday and pray to her all the time asking her to help me through my anxiety). Sometimes I would wonder if she was really ever happy. (Sometimes she would be watching ridiculous shows on t.v like "teens gone wild" and she would always be like " come here and watch this". I always threatened her I can be like that if she wants if she thinks my sister and I were so bad sometimes.) To your blueprint theory, it makes sense that I mimic my mother ( stress to the max). I also found out that anxiety runs in her family so I have for sure inherited it ( apparently a few of my aunts had a hard time leaving home as well, would cry a lot). I know exactly what you mean about medication. I haven't been on any but I've heard horror stories about it making you nurab and I don't like that. I'd rather feel it all and know that's it's something I suffer from then to just feel nurab to the world. I actually get like that now. If I'm not feeling my anxiety pains that I get in my chest it's like I'm nurab to everything. That scares me so much sometimes. All I want so much is too feel the happiness and love I have in my heart for my fiance but it's so hard to ignore the anxiety. It's so true that you can't always listen or take in what you've read. When I was first diagnosed with separation anxiety i kept searching the net for sites that said what I was going through and how it can make you feel. It wasn't always the greatest thing to do and I know I have for sure taken things people say the wrong way which doesn't help. I do have an aunt that I can't talk to at all because she doesn't understand. She would just say " well do you love him, are you being true to yourself" She even was kind of going against what my doctor said I was suffering from. She was thinking, there must be a reason why I'm feeling this way and not the anxiety.

PG, I've never been much of a drinker or have ever smoked but I'm glad to hear you're fighting the temptation I've read that people who suffer from anxiety tend to turn to drugs and alcohol which is not a way to live life. Stay strong and I know it's so much easier said then done but it's all we can do. I must say it's comforting to know someone who is married and dealing with this anxiety because I will be there soon enough. Does your wife know how you feel and what goes through your mind? I was honest with my fiance and he doesn't worry too much about it because he know's it's my anxiety.

Oli, stay strong, you are so young and have so much life to live and grow with. High school can be very hard at times. I can sympathize with the over thinking and worrying. I missed a lot of school because I stressed way too much. Keep fighting through the anxiety and talk to frienRAB and family. You need positive support. Oh, and you didn't write too much, we all have a lot on our minRAB and have finally found a place to let it out with out being judged. We are here to listen and help each other.

We are all here for each other and it's great to know we're not alone.:) I am so happy that we found this thread and I really want to keep hearing from everybody. Stay positive!
 
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